Relationship Newly Married, And Wife Just Left Me

[matttt222]

Hi, I am so happy to have found this wonderful supportive place! I just joined the forum and have learned so many new things from all the posts and articles. Until recently, I was feeling pretty alone with everything I have been going through. I really didn’t know very much about PTSD at all, even though I now realize I have been dealing with it for a very long time now.

Anyways, I just got married a few months ago to a woman I love more than anything in the whole world. She has a 4 year son who I also love as if he were my own. She is a fantastic person. She is a gifted artist, an amazing mom, she’s fun to be around, smart… She’s everything I could ever ask for and more. But she has a very troubled past, and definitely suffers from it. When we both were in high school she was sexually assaulted by another student. While I knew it was a horrible trauma for her, and that it had affected her life greatly, I never realized that she had PTSD, or even really understood what that was, as obvious as it seems to me now.

Anyways, immediately after we got married everything was great and we were really happy together. But after a short time, problems started to appear. She started to become increasingly distant. All forms of intimacy and affection disappeared, and eventually she was finding any excuse she could to spend the night over at her mother’s house. Every time I tried to talk to her about what was going on, she would get angry and tell me all the different ways I was doing everything wrong and how I was ruining the relationship, all while ignoring what I was saying/asking… Sometimes she would say such terrible hurtful things to me too. Eventually she started staying at her mom’s all the time. I just couldn’t understand what had happened; she didn’t even seem like the person I had married anymore. She was so angry and withdrawn all the time. It was really hurting me badly. The more I became sad, the more it seemed like she hated me. Then one night she was being so abusive I had to leave. After that she came and moved all her stuff out and took off her wedding ring. I asked if she wanted to divorce me, and she told me she didn’t know. I was able to get her to go with me to see a couple’s councilor once since she left, but I don’t know if she will continue or not. As it stands now, she’s moved back with her mom, and says she doesn’t know if she wants to stay married to me or not. We have minimal contact nowadays.

I feel like I am losing my mind. I love her so, so much, and this hurts so badly. I always knew there were problems when we were dating, but I naively thought she had worked through them somehow. When we first met, she seemed to be crazy about me (just as I was about her), but over time her feelings seemed to thaw. She tried to talk to me about it on several occasions… she tried to explain what was wrong, and how it had completely ruined her life and sabotaged every relationship she had had. I told her that I would always be there for her, and that she didn’t need to worry. But as time went on it got worse, and eventually she left me. I was devastated, and confused. I thought it was me. After about six months she came back, and after a little hesitation on my part, things pretty much picked right back up again. She told me what had happened, and that she was better now, and that things would be better this time. And it seemed to be true in every way, right up until we got married. I was always concerned about what had happened, since I never really understood it, but she seemed to be past it…

I realize now from everything I have learned that there probably isn’t anything I can do at this point, and that it is all entirely up to her. Part of the problem is that I don’t think she is even aware that she has PTSD. I know that she needs to get help, but I also know that she doesn’t understand how, and right now probably doesn’t want to either. I want to help so badly, but she won’t listen to anything I have to say right now. I love my wife like crazy, and I feel like I have lost my very best friend practically overnight. My whole life is just in limbo now. I have no idea if I am still going to be married or not, even though for all practical purposes my wife has left me. I have no idea if she still loves me or not. I just don’t know what to do. This is pretty much the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Do you know that she has PTSD or is this your personal diagnosis of the problem?

 

[matttt222]

The councilor I went to see, and that later saw both of us, said it was extremely likely. The more I have learned about PTSD, the more probable it seems to me that she does have it. But she has not been personally diagnosed either as far as I know.

 

[Meadowsweet]

If I may be honest with you then, a speculated PTSD diagnosis isn't helpful to your situation. The reason for this is, that if you and your wife find space to talk about your relationship problems, it's really important that you listen to the reasons and understanding that she is able to give you. If you have pathologised her feelings and her choices into a mental health issue, then it closes you off to hearing her explain what she is actually feeling and why.

You can only truly choose where you stand or your own choices, not somebody else's. In this way, whether your wife has PTSD or not, and whether that is her reason for leaving or not - what you are in control of is how you manage your own emotional response to the split and how you can learn to cope with how you are feeling in yourself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I urge you to urge her to seek out individual therapy.

Maybe she has PTSD, maybe she doesn't. I can tell you this......in my pre-PTSD diagnosis days I acted EXACTLY the same way as I do now in terms of relationships. I have always done the distance thing, the push-pull thing, and dealt with getting overly stressed when people get too close. Up until 7 years ago, I had "post trauma" symptoms, but I most definitely did not have full blown PTSD. I say all of this to highlight the fact that the relationship/distance issue may indeed be characteristic of those who have PTSD, but it is also characteristic of those who have been traumatized but do not have the disorder. (Is this making sense?)

You fail to mention a number of criteria for PTSD, and because you were able to go so long without even seeing her symptoms, I'd be extremely hesitant to say that she has PTSD. Post trauma effects, its quite likely.....PTSD, possibly, but again you do not mention many key characteristics of the disorder. That, coupled with her being "fine" much of the time, well it just doesn't add up to PTSD, from where I'm standing.

 

[matttt222]

That is good advice.The hard part for me now, is that she is totally unwilling or unable to communicate or even talk to me anymore. I absolutely value her view in our relationship and always try my best to listen. Over the course of our relationship, I have honestly spent a lot of time reflecting on myself, and trying to become a better partner to her. What she thinks and how she feels matters a great deal to me. Even if she does have PTSD, that will not change. I have just been trying to understand this side of her for so long now, without the benefit of her input. Now that she has left, I really don't know what to think. Hearing the councilor possibly shed some light on the situation felt really helpful, as I have agonized over what has gone wrong so much. While I do realize that I can not be 100% certain whether or not she has PTSD, all I know is that her personality has dramatically changed lately, and that she abruptly left our marriage with little explanation of why, after we had been so happy for so long... It is very hard to know how to respond. I am so unsure of what to do now, or how to handle it.

 

[matttt222]

I urge you to urge her to seek out individual therapy.

Maybe she has PTSD, maybe she doesn't. I can...

I am trying hard to do that very thing, but I find it unlikely to work right now. She has clearly decided not to be any part of my life any longer, and isn't interested in talking to me, or our marriage. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around that, considering things were so different just a short time ago. Perhaps you are right... I am just now learning about PTSD for the first time, and I admit that I am definitely not clear on exactly what the problem may be for her. This is just the first time I have had any possible understanding of what might be going on, and it made so much sense considering things she told me in the past, and her previous behavior. It just felt encouraging to read all the things I have read in this forum, and to feel like there are other people who have been here too. It's so hard to have your whole world turned upside down, and not understand why. I know my wife loved me a lot at one time, not very long ago. Now she seems to hate me, and I just can't explain why. It hurts so badly, and makes me feel like there must be something very wrong with me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The hardest part about being a supporter is that you cannot do anything to help your sufferer with their PTSD. You can find ways to be supportive and helpful, but only if they LET you be supportive and helpful. It is all on them; they have to help themselves. We have to accept that we are helpless in this situation.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is the second post I've read today about a partner just up and leaving.....have you read the other one? Her story is a bit different in that she is feeling the effects of trauma whereas you are a supporter.....but, I can still see the similarities in the two stories. I'm sorry if I'm not much help, as its hard to wrap my head around something like this.

Can i ask a few questions?

Was she the type who held everything in? Was she able to come to you with her problems? Is it possible that things were a bit rosier from your point of view than from hers?

Untreated PTSD (or unresolved trauma issues, as it may be) can indeed ruin relationships. I never advise untreated PTSD people to get into relationships because devastation like this can occur. But, to be fair, she may have no clue what is going on with herself. She may be in major denial. I am sort of leaning in this direction. That is, maybe she was able to keep it all under wraps for so long, and then she literally just cracked and now everything is falling apart. Unfortunately, this is how it happens for many people. Trauma may happen, then years and years and years elapse before the full effects of the trauma are felt. All that time, the sufferer is able to keep things under wraps using whatever coping skills they have....but then one day the stress is too great and everything just falls apart because those old coping skills just no longer work.

Have you been able to talk to her much at all? It is a HUGE risk.....but at this point I don't think I'd tiptoe around the issues. If you truly do love her, express your concern, and suggest that she find an individual trauma therapist. If there is to be any future between the two of you, I think that treatment for her is a must.....and, if you don't say anything, you may regret it later. Of course she will probably give major push back, but its best to have it all out in the open. Sometimes people just need to have an idea implanted in their head.....you just say something briefly and to the point, and let the other person think about it, giving the idea time to grow. Of course this oftentimes works a bit better when the other party isn't emotionally reactive, but it has worked on me in the past. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you do talk to her, don't argue, show your concern for her well being, and suggest that she get help. You could even offer to help her find that help. But, don't argue.....if she pushes back, then remain calm and let it go. You can't force her to get help, but you can let her know that help is available and that you are there to support her.

 

[Meadowsweet]

The hardest part about being a supporter is that you cannot do anything to help your sufferer with their PTSD. You can find ways to be supportive and helpful, but only if they LET you be supportive and helpful.

This is because they are not 'your' sufferer, they are a person that is individual in their own right. And this is why there is no benefit to non-professionals diagnosing another person.

This persons voice is not being heard here and I think that is something to bear in mind. The issue is not the wife having PTSD (as she has no diagnosis), the issue is that the husband is hurt and upset and her actions. In this way, the issue can't be helped by discussing the facets of supporting a person with PTSD, as a) we don't actually know that this is the problem. And b) matt isn't being asked to give support.

Supporter or sufferer, people have a tendency to project their own situations onto others, rather than look at the facts that we can reliably comment on.

 

[matttt222]

This is the second post I've read today about a partner just up and leaving.....have you read the other...

Thank you for your help. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it too. When I re-read my earlier posts, perhaps I was painting things to be a little rosier that they were... It's very hard to accurately portray something so complicated in just a few short paragraphs I am realizing. Anyways, there were always some underlying problems, I just don't think I appreciated how significant they were. She always had trouble with commitment, and openly admitted it too. Even though she only left me once for any prolonged period of time, there were many other instances where she kind of "shut down" and would disappear for a while. She also struggled greatly with intimacy, and sometimes seemed angry for no apparent reason. While I knew these problems existed, I always thought of them as being manageable. I knew she had had a very troubled past, and I just figured (perhaps naively) that if I just continued to show her how much I loved her, and continued to be supportive, that eventually she would get over some of these issue. As I said, I realize now that I had little or no understanding of the forces possibly at work.

The best I can tell right now, she is definitely in complete denial of whatever the problem might be on her end of things. She wasn't always, but right now she is. Any attempt I have made in the past to suggest therapy, or any other kind of help was met with huge resistance, and often a lot of abuse directed at me. However, she did agree to meet with a couple's councilor in two weeks, so hopefully she will decide to continue with that path at least. It is really my only hope at this point. As for myself, I intend to find a therapist of my own. This experience has been very painful, and hard to understand, and I realize I am needing help too. Thank you for your reply.

 

[matttt222]

This is because they are not 'your' sufferer, they are a person that is individual in their own righ...

You are indeed right, her voice is not being heard here or anywhere else right now since she won't talk to me, and I am most certainly not being asked for support by my wife in any way. She is indeed her own individual person, and not "my" sufferer. I just love her and care about her a lot, and most of all I miss her.
My wife, who does have a history of trauma and has had problems within our relationship as a result (that she openly admits to), just left me after only a couple months of marriage, for no apparent reason. I am not trying to project my situation onto her or anyone else, I have just been trying to seek some sort of understanding the best I can. The therapist I/we saw pointed me in this direction. Things I have read here seem like they might apply to our situation possibly, buy I am not diagnosing either. I am just looking for answers and talking. This has turned my life upside down, and has hurt me very deeply, that's all.