Relationship Newly Married, And Wife Just Left Me

[scout86]

You mentioned she's staying with her mother. What's her mother like? Can you get any insight or help from her?

she is definitely in complete denial of whatever the problem might be on her end of things.

Maybe. And maybe not. Maybe she thinks that she IS the problem and that you're better off without her. There are a lot of things she COULD be thinking.

It's very hard to accurately portray something so complicated in just a few short paragraphs

Boy is that ever true!

I just don't think I appreciated how significant they were.

That's an important thought! It's also possible SHE didn't/doesn't realize how significant they were. Has she had individual therapy at all?

All you can do is the best you can. I hope the two of you can at least talk. That's often harder than it seems like it should be.

 

[matttt222]

You mentioned she's staying with her mother. What's her mother like? Can you get any insight or help fro...

I tried to go that route at one point, but with little success. Her mother is a very sweet person, and I like her a lot, but she tends to be pretty co-dependent with her daughter, and will not do anything to upset their relationship. Her daughter said she wants to live with her again, and she is very happy with that (even though it seems very against her daughter's best interest in my view). Unfortunately she has been very unwilling to help.

There are so many things she could be thinking, I can't even begin to guess. She has told me that she thought I would be better off without her before actually, but I don't think that is what she really wanted at the time she said it either... Several times she asked me why I love her... Who knows. That is the whole problem, I just can't understand what she is thinking. It is so hard to be loved by your wife one day, and then abandoned the next (and seemingly hated too), without any real understanding of why. My very best guess is that she really doesn't understand why either. As far as I know, she was forced to go to therapy by her grandma (who raised her) for only a very brief time, shorty after she was assaulted. She has a very negative view towards therapy in general, so I am not sure how much she benefited from it, but who knows. I hope she will talk to me at some point too. Thank you so much for your comment.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@matttt222 , yes, I realise that you are not projecting onto your wife. What I meant was, that when you come to a forum for PTSD supporters and sufferers, with an idea that your wife 'might' have PTSD, people will offer advice based on their own experiences of PTSD, and that acts to affirm PTSD as the diagnosis for you, which as I said in my first reply might do more harm that good.

Even if your wife does find relationships difficult because of trauma in her past, this doesn't necessarily indicate that she has PTSD.

Given space and time, the chance will come for you both to talk, and when you know what issues she was having within the marriage, then you can start to work on them.

I wish you well with it.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

But.....can't we advise given that we ALL have post-trauma effects and it does indeed sound like this woman has post-traumatic effects?

The truth is that we are "guessing" when any supporter comes here, right? Much of that info is second hand, even though the sufferer is officially diagnosed.

There is no hard and fast line between those who are experiencing post-trauma effects and those who have PTSD. Clarification.....all "post trauma people" aren't on one side and "PTSD" people on the other. There is most definitely overlap!

Nobody here is diagnosing, and it does indeed sound like this woman has post traumatic effects based on how she is acting. No, we don't know the whole story, but at the same time, I don't think we should refuse to offer support to this person because his wife is in heavy denial (likely) and un-diagnosed (with whatever it may be) at this point.

The truth is that there are MANY other undiagnosed people on this site, some of whom refuse to even see a doctor to even figure out what they're dealing with. Do we tell them to go away? No, we don't. They are welcomed with open arms and people offer them advice.

 

[Tinyflame]

To be honest @matttt222 , I actually can wrap my head around that, I don't want to sound cruel but if it is ptsd (& you said the councilor thought that extremely likely) JMHO but the odds are not really very good she will return. The longer it goes the less likely. But irregardless what it is you should take care of yourself, & it's understandable to feel what you are being that it was a marriage (not to be taken lightly). I'm so sorry for you both. Best wishes to you.

(I should add, if it doesn't work out, please don't wait for closure.)

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is because they are not 'your' sufferer, they are a person that is individual in their own right.

This isn't denying anybody's individuality or implying any kind of ownership...these are the common terms used here on the supporter boards for participants in a relationship.

 

[Sighs]

I second @Sweetpea76 - "my sufferer" is just shorthand for "the sufferer of PTSD with whom I am in an intimate relationship". I use "my vet" more often than "my sufferer" which to me is shorthand for "the sufferer of combat PTSD with whom I am in an intimate relationship".

Outside the forum I refer to him as "my partner" which I think most people understand to mean "the man with whom I am in an intimate relationship" rather than "the man who belongs to me in the same way as my car or my handbag".

Sigh!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Exactly @Sighs ... I'm as much my vet's supporter as he is my sufferer.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Sweetpea76 I realise it is the term that is mostly used in the sub-culture of this forum. I mentioned it because it was relevant to what you were trying to explain - that was that you can't help a person with PTSD unless they (your word was LET) but I would say unless they wanted you to and felt that you were able to.

So there was quite a specific context to me picking up on the term of ownership that you use, as to take away that term, the fact that how, when and if they heal, is up to the person with PTSD, not up to their wife/husband/friend. Sometimes healing actually requires the enabling of independence.

I am not going to speculate on the wife being discussed here, as she has an independent voice. But currently, she has chosen to live separately from her husband, and for all we know, this may be the healthy choice for her in regards to her current healing. But naturally from her partners point of view, it isn't, because he wants her to be able to heal within the relationship.

Sometimes what is actually healing for the person with PTSD and what would make things better for their estranged wife/husband becomes confused. And to make that separation, the husband/wife that is hurting can begin to focus on their own healing from the situation, rather than put the onus for their healing on choices that are beyond their control (ie on somebody with PTSD)

 

[anthony]

Wow @matttt222, sorry to hear mate. Pretty harsh to just get married and have her walking away on you. If a professional thinks she may have PTSD, then hopefully she may get professional assessment and to help herself, if nothing else comes of it.

Either way... you're stuck in a shit place having to pick up the pieces of it all. Sorry mate that you're going through this... PTSD truly does turn lives upside down.

 

[Billy Hosea]

Hi, I am so happy to have found this wonderful supportive place! I just joined the forum and have lear...

How's it going. I myself am newly married and are finding myself in a similar situation. First things first. I'm a service member in the US Army. Last year around the month of May I met my future wife. Her and I are both soldiers. She was stationed in South Korea and I was there for 9 months for South Korean Defense. Anyway, Her and I spent every waking moment together. I was leaving the country in June to go back to Texas. A week after her and I met we fell in love with one another. A love deeper than anything I have ever felt in my life. At first it was very overwhelming for the both of us. We talked about it and agreed we would get married. On September 4th, 2015 we tied the knot. I proposed to her when I picked her up from the airport with "Marry Me??" written in big letters on the back window of my Mustang. She was nostalgic about it. A smile from ear to ear. My wife and I are newly married and separated by physical distance. That meaning, I am station in Fort Hood, Texas and her being station in Fort Lewis, Washington. I am working on having my orders changed so my wife and I can be stationed together and live and finally have our life together. Since we got married we've only seen each other once and our relationship has been through FaceTime and text messaging. Now, recently my wife admitted to cheating on me. I was emotionally destroyed due to the fact that December 11th is my birthday and December 13th is when I lost my
Father to suicide. Allow me to explain further. My wife said she loves me to death and she's terribly sorry, and that she f*cks everything up she has that's good. She's saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. She tells me I'm everything that she wants but she wishes she met me 10 years from now. I'm going to see my wife next Saturday for 2 weeks so we can spend the holidays together. I told her I'm willing to forgive what has happened because I love her to death. We just have to communicate with one another regarding this matter. I do not suffer from PTDS from war but more of emotional trauma from losing my father. At times it hits me very randomly and takes a physical toll on my body. Loss of appetite and fatigue. I've spoken to people regarding my issues but it only helps for a little. Losing my wife because she claimed she doesn't know what she wants is not only very confusing but very earth shattering. She is the woman of my dreams that I have longed to have forever. Things are just very rough and rocky for us given the situation. My wife, like me. Suffers from a traumatic childhood. She doesn't like to voice what's wrong with her and I truly think that's what destroys her mentally
and emotionally. I always beg her to tell me what's bothering her but she shuts me down. I just want to be her ears so she can vent and he heard.



If anyone has anything to say regarding this. Please share, whatever it be.

 

[pepperoni]

I am trying hard to do that very thing, but I find it unlikely to work right now. She has clearly deci...

I'm on the same boat. He left me 3 days ago. If you need someone to talk to. I'm here.