I do say you will end up alone. I absolutely think I should.
Okay, just keep in mind that sometimes lashing out is a response to stress, being triggered, or scared. When my vet lashes out, his go to is telling me to leave, the relationship is over, and he is done with me. Does he mean it?
No. How do I know this? Because he says the exact same thing every time he lashes out. It's his go to. Why is telling me to leave his go to? Maybe because he's scared I can find someone without PTSD that can treat me better, maybe because he feels guilty that he can't treat me the way I deserve, maybe because he's scared that I'm getting so close. Or I could be giving him too much credit. But if he is lashing out from a place of insecurity or fear? Then my telling him "you will end up alone" is just going to reinforce the fear and the insecurities that's causing him to lash out in the first place.
They need to know we will walk if they do not alter their ways.
Yes, I agree. But what's more helpful than saying, "you will end up alone", is to find a more concrete boundary with a specific consequence, like "if you raise your voice at me, I will walk away and not continue the conversation", or "if you ever physically threaten me, I will end the relationship". Although, I'm sure with the therapy and the couple's counseling, this is not a new concept to you.
It is a CHOICE. Knowing this does help. Knowing that he controls himself at work, better than you can believe. Around their partners, they just don't see the point.
Oh man. I am always pro-sufferer, pro-relationship with most of my comments, but this last part I struggle with. He doesn't care about his co-workers like he cares about you. He doesn't worry about living up to his co-workers expectations like he does yours. His co-workers don't know him like you do. He's not worried about disappointing his co-workers like he does you. I may be giving your guy too much credit here, he could be an ass for all I know, but "they just don't see the point" does not seem fair to me at all. You know who my vet lashes out at most often? Me, his brother, his mother, his best friend. Sure, sometimes the asshole driver will get a piece of his mind, or the slow walker at the grocery store will get a snide comment, but typically, it's his closest circle.
We did the couples therapy as he made out he was worried about MY issues
Mine does this shit all the time. Shifts all blame on me, turns everything around on me, because he can't handling dealing with his own shit. Projecting onto me.
Like I said, how do we know it's PTSD? He has mentioned stuff from his past before Iraq. Why does he control it at work so well? If you seem to think he can't? Support? You think I belittle him? I shouldn't have come. What about MY traumatic past? Where is MY compassion and understanding? h is nice as pie to others. SMH. I have to hold his hand and be sweet when he is ripping me apart? I cry to him.
Look....you're right when you said PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior. So what does it matter if this is PTSD or not, then? If you can't handle his behavior, what's the plan? I'm not saying it's yours and only your responsibility to fix this or to come up with a plan but, based on what you're saying, he's not going to worry about shit. So that means....it is on you. You can leave or you can stay. What you put up with if you stay, as you also said, is up to you. If you've hit your breaking point, then leave. Right?
Look, enough of his shit eventually will trigger me.
Based on your responses here, sounds like you may already be at that point. I understand you're upset. Read through the posts here, we've all been through this shit and more.
