Nightingale Complex Or Just Desperate?

[Dee Morris]

I want to preface this by saying that I'm happy that there are people out there willing to put in time and effort in learning about PTSD and how they can best support their sufferer. I wish my ex husband had been willing to put in that effort. That said, I noticed that I have a tendency to get extremely annoyed reading a lot of the "supporter" threads. Especially the ones from people desperate for help saving their relationship with someone they barely know. I'm not sure if it's because I'm perceiving the posts as desperate or some other reason. Whatever it is, it really bothers me. Part of me thinks it's because I'm viewing that desperateness to stay connected to the sufferer as making them their "project". This thinking has also led me to push away potential dating partners because I don't like feeling like a charity case. As much as I don't want anyone to not date me because I have PTSD, I also don't want them to date me because they feel sorry for me. In a way, that's how I'm viewing these supporters. Would they put up with that crap from a non-PTSD suffering partner they barely know? Probably not...so why would they do anything different in relationships with the person just BECAUSE they have PTSD? Maybe my reaction is because I don't like being treated like a victim and that type of desperateness to stay connected to the sufferer regardless of how badly they are treated makes me think they view their partner as a victim in the relationship. Thoughts?

 

[RussH]

A person with PTSD acts out because of the stress in their lives and the affect it has on them. I think that understanding and compassion from someone they are dating is appropriate. A person who is dating a sufferer and showing them compassion and a willingness to help them work through the issues is not necessarily making them a project; maybe they see the potential of what might be.
However PTSD should not be seen as an excuse to abuse others, because it is not. If the sufferer is being abusive toward the supporter, then the supporter should cut ties with them.
You also said

.so why would they do anything different in relationships with the person just BECAUSE they have PTSD?

A person who acts out because of PTSD may very well have an emotional / psychological reason for acting that way, and deserves a certain amount of understanding. A person who does not have PTSD and acts out is just a mean jerk and deserves no understanding.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Know what I've noticed? Many of those supporters are one-and-done kind of posters. Know what this tells me? They don't stick around to actually be a long term SUPPORT to their sufferers. They get sucked in to the honeymoon phase and then reality hits a little while later and they're gone. In their minds they think they're up for it, but in reality they met someone who makes them feel special and they don't want to let go of that feeling so they honestly believe they can be that support.....but it's so much more than they bargained for....

 

[Petra Pan]

Hi Dee, I stumbled upon your thread and I felt like I recognize your thoughts on this, only the difference is I am already in a relationship but I am starting to question whether or not I can be in it.. And I am leaning towards the latter.. I didn't know I had PTSD until just half a year ago when I got sent into treatment, since then it's been a long journey with a domestic boyfriend whom just 'loved' being there and getting to be supportive. However, once I started to feel better, or my 'homeworks' in treatment were about doing things outside, i.e not together with him, he started to freak. To cut a long story short, this is how I think I have stumbled upon a Codependent man, in my own relationship, someone who likes to be with someone who is sick or weak, and will depend on him, need him. This was something I didn't know about before, but I guess once after some time in treatment and you start to understand your own behavior you get more aware of others!?

 

[Nico]

I think in general a lot of people are desperate to make a relationship work, PTSD or not. I'm by no means in a young relationship, but if I was and didn't know my guy had PTSD and he did just disappear, you better believe I'd have hit the road and moved on. A lot of people are afraid to be alone and some people don't know how they should be treated.

I'm sorry you're annoyed by some of the supporter posts. I see your viewpoint though in terms of the really young relationships. Then I also see the perspective that maybe these people really do feel in their gut there is a future. Sometimes that can just be lust and fantasy kicking in. I wouldn't let their posts keep you from dating though. This is a small % of the population. I don't blame you for feeling like someone may be treating you like a charity case.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yep, found a codepenent myself! He wanted to be so supportive, fix me, etc. Thing was, I was a distraction from his own problems. At first it was nice cuz I thought I had found a supportive guy, but nope, it was dysfunctional support at best.

Beware the partner who makes your healing the center focus of EVERYTHING. They see you as weaker and want you to stay in that position. Youare the damaged one who needs to be fixed (but not completely) .

 

[Petra Pan]

Yes! The alarm clocks started ringing when I heard his ex was borderline (pattern pattern!) and again when my T brought him in to explain triggers in PTSD, and he seemed to show no real anger towards the ppl who had hurt me, that's when I realized oh lord, this guy have not given a thought to that but only 'enjoyed' the aftermath, the taking care part.

 

[Dee Morris]

That's exactly what I'm talking about. Thank you! One of the reasons (there's about a million reasons...lol) I divorced my ex husband was because as I started healing and not depending on him, the more insecure and sabotaging he became. For example, After I'd worked with my therapist and psychiatrist for some time and I began feeling better, looking forward to my appointments etc, he started accusing me of having an affair with my psychiatrist. Completely crazy and delusional, I doubt he really believed that, it was just his way of sabotaging my recovery to keep me dependent. Does that make sense? Maybe because of my experience with him, I'm less trusting of anyone claiming to be a supporter. It definitely has effected how I view relationships and my partners role in my recovery. I need someone who is willing to learn about how to best support me and understand me but It doesn't help me to be with someone that cosigns my bullshit either. It's a fine line I guess. I need to be with someone emotionally strong and for me that means being with someone that will not make excuses for my bad behavior.

 

[Philippa]

That makes sense. I think it's great that you are so clear about what you actually need and want in a partner, and as you improve with the help of your therapist, I'm sure it will also change the pattern of attracting the kinds of unhealthy, co dependency that you did with your last ex. It will be interesting to hear how much things have changed the next time you check in to report a new relationship and how the person treats you in this respect.

 

[Dee Morris]

I date but I don't really invest a lot emotionally. I feel like I'm not ready. I can't manage all the ups and downs of a relationship and stay focused on school. I'm starting my senior year in 9 days, I can't afford any distractions. I pushed away a man that I loved very much. Of course I regret it but I also know that I was not healthy enough emotionally to make it work. I feel certain that eventually I will meet someone who meets my needs but until then, keeping that emotional distance is best.

 

[Philippa]

Good luck with your school year ahead! :) Relationships can be very distracting, so I think it's probably a wise decision for now. I'm just starting to now open myself up to a relationship again, after years of being totally closed to the whole thing. I also start school in a few weeks, and have met a couple of really interesting, lovely men and I feel much stronger than I was so maybe I can handle it now? Only one way to find out I guess...

 

[Glara]

As a supporter in a new, yet old relationship, or maybe not anymore..
I can tell you how it started with me. I was reconnecting with a past love. When we first started talking about our past it just evolved quickly into romance, talk of a future and sexting. Yes, I loved the attention. He came on very strong. He only told me about the ptsd when his behavior changed. When he did tell me, I thought I could handle it. I thought nightmares, flashbacks and depressive cycles, no biggie. I had no idea about total withdrawal and isolation. Besides he's in therapy.

If I don't leave I'm desperate, or have a rescue complex or I'm codependent. If I leave I can't handle it. My guy is just a guy I was attracted to when I was young and when we reconnected it felt the same. Yes, I'm lonely because I just came out if an unhappy marriage and my daughter left the nest. Yes, I thought we had a future.

If he had told me earlier when we reconnected, and told me what that meant in terms of a relationship, I wouldn't have gotten a future in my head. I could have adjusted what I let myself feel. If he didn't want to tell me, he could've moved slower and not talked about a future etc. if he had told me early on would I have stuck around? Probably. But I would have treated it like I did in my 20s. When he's available, we'd hook up and it's be great. Problem is, he crossed that line by taking about some serious things. I know now that the future we discussed probably won't ever be, but I also know that he sees me as much more than a hookup.

So I'm trying to focus on getting my life in order. I am trying to let go because I don't know if he'll be back. If he ever does come back I'll never shut him out, but I can't wait either. I have to make my plans for my future without him. That's doesn't mean I won't be there if he needs me. Does that make sense?