Nightmares Every Time I Close My Eyes.

[KvE]

I fall asleep for maybe an hour or two and wake up because of a horrible nightmare. I haven't slept for more than an hour or two for almost a week now. Some of the nightmares are bad. They end with people getting shot or killed and dying before I get shot or killed and die. Some are completely horrible like reliving trauma but there is always some differences. Like I am not a kid I am my adult self. The scenery is different. Some of the events are different but in the end the same horrible stuff happens. Some times I wake up soaking wet with sweat and blankets, sheets, pillow, stuffed animals, completely knocked off my bed. Other times I wake up very angry or sad. Other times I can't even move.

A couple of hours ago I had a really bad one. I was an adult but my siblings were still kids. I drove around with my real mom and stood there and watched her murder each one of my siblings with a butcher knife. I wanted to stop her but I couldn't move. I just stood there emotionless and watched. Then I would get into the car so she could drive to the next location so she could kill another one. Not only was it completely horrible to watch once I woke up I felt even worse.

When we were kids and I went into foster care it was just my brother and I. Eventually my mom got custody of my brother back but not me. Then she had two more girls and then they all ended up back in foster care. I feel horrible and guilty ever day because I was the oldest. I was suppose to be there and protect them from her and I couldn't. I constantly ran away from my foster homes to get to them and take them someplace safe, but I was not successful. They had to suffer more and I kept failing at protecting them.

 

[Ted Moen]

Our challenge is to learn to live better with our symptoms. Your current need is to get a reasonable (and satisfying) nights sleep, otherwise you will (or are) be in a state of sleep deprivation that will only contribute to the worsening of your ptsd symptoms. When I finally addressed my need for a reasonable nights sleep I initially used medication (trazadone) to help me sleep. At the same time, I began discussing the nightmares and related issues with my therapist. I also increased my exercise program significantly. After about 3 years I was able to sleep a full eight hours without most of the time without the medication.

I still have an occaisonal nightmare or sometime wake up sweaty but neither occurs at a frequency that puts me into a state of sleep deprivation.

Ted