Nightmares

[LilSam]

I'm toying with a thought on my mind and would like to know if it's just me or if it's a shared experience. I've been having nightmares since the start, but it started off at the school I spent all day being abused at, and on the bus which my ex abused me and I self harmed on.

Since then they've changed a lot, the places have become random since I changed schools, my ex has stopped speaking in them completely and I can't remember the sound of her voice, only her laugh, she's become less often the abuser and more often a friend/lover and that's all I can say has happened up until two or three months ago. The more recent nightmares I'd really rather not talk about publicly.

They've become a lot more blurry, muffled even, as if it's changed from a painful memory to a memory of something in a different lifetime. I never hear voices anymore, whether it's hers or whoever else's that's there, only mine. It's become quiet disturbing, all I can say about the more recent nightmares is that they've started to have a sort of hollow loneliness

 

[shimmerz]

I think our trauma can become an attachment mechanism. Letting go of it can feel like losing a part of ourselves. It sounds, although you are lonely that you are progressing from at least a portion of your trauma. Is that a fair statement?

 

[Plat-Daddy]

I also keep whats is needed close yet not in reach when in bed. I have a ace, The little wife is a born dirt pour country girl who is as good a shot with a pistol as I am with a riffle and carry expert in all weapons trained on. So I can sleep unarmed well with the famous red ryder bb gun so in a lost dream I have my woobie. ha. I am only afraid of the layered dreams. Sometimes when asleep I have the visions of the past. ugly. and these are upsetting. The bad nights I re-live events of the past in what seems like real time and I have prior knowledge of the result and cannot make any changes in what happened. horrible frustration. The worst nights I am asleep in my dreams also dreaming two layers deep, I am me but different name and place. Diff job. Same kids but my son is still alive. Once at this level I was shot by a civilian thief. I was in real time in the hospital for bad injuries to my lungs. My heart stopped here after I was shot in the dream. The docs here shocked the shit out of me and I hurt the doc and a nurse before tackled. This was almost 20 years ago and yet today I warn all doctors and staff if I am going under. Never any issues since then other than waking up allot during surgery. No violence. My Indian mom told me to have my son wake me when in a second level dream to test a theory. So the next time I was this deep gone in that dream I asked my son to wake me at 0700. Nothing bad happened in that dream but here in real time my son woke me up at 0700. I asked him why he did that and he told me I told him to last night. Now I am a hardliner who trust facts that I can see. After being in travels where this crap of black arts is supposed to exists I have zero faith in any of that crap. I would not even say I am religious but I do believe in something yet never defined. The Indian in me. I have one fear other than losing my daughter for I lost my son and my inner strength to remain disciplined in public the he died. I am afraid if I pass in a second layer dream or possibly deeper that I may die here. Yeah I know the movie and this is not the f*cking matrix. Maybe huge coincidence I checked out when dreaming hurt then or WTF. All this crap make me think of the Jet Lee Movie -the one. yeah again I do not believe in this shit but the details I have written down from the other job and location are places I have never been yet I recognize images from google maps. So who ever in an authority in brothers losing their shit please explain to me. I have been hypnotized twice in life and both times after being awake the docs left and will never speak to me again. No reports no return calls nothing even when my other docs want a report. One surgeon and nurse will not speak to me from last year for I said something while under that they left and had another doc finish up. the nurse resigned and the doc has seen me when walking by when I was there for other surgeries but will not speak to me. Every time I ask the current surgeon they just say do not worry about for they have been warned and I make them tie my hands and feet even though they say I have not panicked in years coming out of it. This bullshit and knowing when lied to my Indian family says is a gift, I call it a f*cking curse.