Relationship No Accountability

[candor]

It been a year since I had enough. Due to verbal abuse and explosive anger, I would only see him for a few hours where he works. In that year he exploded twice and since it put his job at risk, I got my proof that this was not something he did intentionally. I made sure that he did not loose his job by assuming the blame in front of his employers. I was told I was welcomed to come there but they put all kind of restrictions to keep him and me apart. We would bump into each other and were on a friendly hi and bye basis but no talking. One day he broke the silence and we engaged in a conversation. It felt as if there had never been a problem between us. The main problem has always been my fear of telling him anything face to face that implied that he again had broken his agreement with me. I tried emails and texting but he saw any form of criticism as abuse no matter how well it was written. It is just as hard for me to bring up anything negative when he is relaxed which is rare as when he is raging. In our last encounter he actually for the first time ever he listened to me speak of my troubles. It had never ever happened before and I was so touched. I also told myself not to get my hopes up and that nothing had changed. We had agreed that he would not tell anyone that we had met outside of work. He told me that he told them anyway. He told me if it caused any trouble not to worry that he would fix it. Now I am very afraid that I might not be welcomed there anymore. How do I get the courage to explain to him that its not ok to break our agreements? God forbid if it had been me. Please do not discuss why I still want him in my life and show up at his work place here. I know how it sounds but that is too hard to explain and not what I need to discuss. Thank you. I have told him that we are friendly but I can't be friends without accountability. He has no friends and would like that with me. I would also like that with someone that does not yell, lie and disappoints. I can understand that he feels shame but its not helping.

 

[candor]

I got all the help I needed by reading this thread: Relationship - Lacking Accountability For Her Actions And Punishing Me

I identify with the poster who started the thread. He does a much better job apparently at describing the situation I am in. The only difference is that in my case even after therapy and even after 2 years, I feel that I cannot abandon him. I think that the answer that I was looking for and found on that thread is that if I am to be friends with anyone then it has to be based on mutual respect and trust. He can't keep his promises. He can't see that he is not being accountable. He rarely makes the initial contact. To me it means that we can only have a one sided friendly and not close relationship. But he knows that I am here for him and I am very, very happy that he was there for me even if it was that one time. Perhaps that means progress (perhaps just grooming --sigh-- eyes wide open).

The fact that I am afraid of even bringing this up with him means that I still have to work on my setting boundaries. With anyone else I have really improved but not when it comes to him. I cannot fool myself ever again that we can be actually be friends. But he now says that he should not have blamed me and that he feels that I have made him aware of how hard he can be on others. I am sure that he has kept the distance for my own good.

My insistence in being around him is based in my own fear of being abandoned and a desire for him not to experience that. I don't harrass him or approach him or talk to him. If he approaches me, I answer short and polite. His place of work was my hang out and also a place where I get fed long before we met. Perhaps I come across as a stalker but I am not and feel a bit sad that after 85 views no one bothered to answer. Is there something in the post that is a turn off? Is there something I could have done better?
I am really hurting cause yes he did gaslight me. That was a year ago and now the contact is limited to two hours a week where he sees me from a distance and we talk at most 10 minutes. I am hurting cause I am afraid of loosing it.

 

[nomorechickenlittle]

It been a year since I had enough. Due to verbal abuse and explosive anger, I would only see him for a f...

I'm not sure of the context of your post or who you are referring to but it sounds like they may be narcissistic or borderline. That being said it is just an assumption on my part by what you said about their emotional outbursts and dislike of criticism. I hope things are better for you right now

 

[candor]

He is exactly to the t as the girl described in the other thread. The thread I referred to describes the guilt I feel. It must be my fault because he seems so together when he is not around me. But I haven't forgotten the gaslighting. I just wish I could make him laugh. Its all I ever wanted and when he is nice I hurt even more because I know that he will not be able to keep it that way indefinately. We broke up because he refused to get therapy or discuss his diagnosis. Our stories are often so much alike. I have to keep coming here whenever I get into that why why why mood.