Broken Dahlia
Silver Member
Hello everyone. Today sucked. I went to my obgyn for my "well woman" exam expecting to shake, sweat, cry, and get through the pelvic exam, which I did, but today something new happened. I couldn't feel the exam. I know she did it, I just couldn't feel it. I didn't just forget either, she said I would feel pressure and I remember thinking that I didn't feel any pressure. I didn't realize that I didn't feel anything, that took a couple of hours.
This is obviously not a normal reaction for me, I mean pelvic and breast exams always cause anxiety but I usually manage much better than this.
Before the exam I was already upset; I asked about permanent birth control. I can't handle oral hormones, I have PCOS, I'm getting close to forty, I'm broke and can't even take care of myself. I wasn't expecting a lot of pushback when I asked about a hysterectomy or a tubal. The NP or PA, whatever she is said I was too emotional to make that kind of decision. I pointed out the medications I take that are unsafe during pregnancy and she said she would like for me to get off of them and manage my PTSD another way, acupuncture perhaps. Been there, still doing that. I would like to get off of my meds, too, but I'm not going to do it just so I can conceive. I'm still trying to get a real life, to function. It seems irresponsible to encourage someone in my situation to try to have a baby; I expected a lecture for quitting the pill.
Anyone else feel pushed to reproduce by people who must be in utter denial of reality? I am used to this mentality from family/friends who seem to think having babies solves everything, but I didn't expect this from my doctor. She even mentioned adoption as an option, ffs. Can't afford the bills now, but somehow I can come up with the money to adopt a kid I can't afford anyway. Not to mention the screening process that I wouldn't make it through. It is insulting, obviously I know that adoption exists. It also feels infantilizing to be told that I can't make a decision about my body just because I am emotional. It is an emotional decision to make, but I think I am more qualified than anyone else to make that decision, and honestly the decision has already been made by my hormones and my circumstances. I just want to accept my infertility and move on with my life but everyone else wants to just fix me.
So, I'm thinking the weird numbness is related to feeling a loss of control over my body, my health. It doesn't feel like its a rape thing like in the past, but it is hard to know for sure. Can anyone relate? Today has been so confusing. And my aunt called today to tell me that my much younger cousin is pregnant. This feels like a really bad joke.
This is obviously not a normal reaction for me, I mean pelvic and breast exams always cause anxiety but I usually manage much better than this.
Before the exam I was already upset; I asked about permanent birth control. I can't handle oral hormones, I have PCOS, I'm getting close to forty, I'm broke and can't even take care of myself. I wasn't expecting a lot of pushback when I asked about a hysterectomy or a tubal. The NP or PA, whatever she is said I was too emotional to make that kind of decision. I pointed out the medications I take that are unsafe during pregnancy and she said she would like for me to get off of them and manage my PTSD another way, acupuncture perhaps. Been there, still doing that. I would like to get off of my meds, too, but I'm not going to do it just so I can conceive. I'm still trying to get a real life, to function. It seems irresponsible to encourage someone in my situation to try to have a baby; I expected a lecture for quitting the pill.
Anyone else feel pushed to reproduce by people who must be in utter denial of reality? I am used to this mentality from family/friends who seem to think having babies solves everything, but I didn't expect this from my doctor. She even mentioned adoption as an option, ffs. Can't afford the bills now, but somehow I can come up with the money to adopt a kid I can't afford anyway. Not to mention the screening process that I wouldn't make it through. It is insulting, obviously I know that adoption exists. It also feels infantilizing to be told that I can't make a decision about my body just because I am emotional. It is an emotional decision to make, but I think I am more qualified than anyone else to make that decision, and honestly the decision has already been made by my hormones and my circumstances. I just want to accept my infertility and move on with my life but everyone else wants to just fix me.
So, I'm thinking the weird numbness is related to feeling a loss of control over my body, my health. It doesn't feel like its a rape thing like in the past, but it is hard to know for sure. Can anyone relate? Today has been so confusing. And my aunt called today to tell me that my much younger cousin is pregnant. This feels like a really bad joke.
