No energy to recover

[Leisel]

Lately I think so much of relapse and suicide. It's almost always on my mind. Here are some things:
I hate where I live but I'm stuck there for now.
I have a shit ton of gender dysphoria, to the point where being called "lady" can bring up intense suicidal thoughts, which feels stupid because there's nothing wrong with being a girl.
I keep shutting down in the middle of conversations. Forgetting how to communicate. Not understanding.
I can't choose a career. Every time I find a passion, I end up changing my mind. It feels like nothing I do will ever matter if I never decide what I "want to do with my life."
It feels like I will never recover. Never move forward. Never transition, never be accepted. Never have a safe and comfortable place to live. Never feel content with my life. Or happy.
I'm so tired, all the time. And I keep getting sick. There's just so much I physically can't do and it bothers me a lot.
I don't have the energy to find a new therapist (who can help me with gender; my therapist isn't trained in gender identity) or a psychiatrist (to see if I have a genetic/mood disorder or other info that could help, though I most likely can't take meds anyway bc I've ODed a bunch of times). I don't know what to do.
Anyway this has been a little rant lol. If you read it, thank you for listening.
I don't want to kill myself. I just don't want to feel this shitty anymore

 

[ladee]

Heard you loud and clear.... what inspires me, is you didn't say you were really contemplating ending things... you just shared how hard your life is right now, and has been for awhile, and that you are aware of how tired you are.... And being unable to get the right help is so very hard. Know that you have been heard. And hoping you do some self care ( I ALWAYS hate hearing that by the way) and get some rest....

I would be frustrated and exhausted too seeing so many closed doors... Doesn't mean some won't open for you, but what you are feeling is very normal for the situation... sending gentle hugs if you accept.... if you don't want hugs, then I am sending chocolate !!!!

 

[Chem Lady]

One of the most helpful things someone once shared with me was biblical, I hope that isn't offensive to you, but it helped me a lot. It was about Moses. After he took the Israelites and left Egypt as he was told, they wandered in the desert for 40 years. God promised that they'd get to the promised land, but they didn't know when and they just wandered in the desert. There have been times in my life where I've felt I've been wandering in the desert and I have no idea when I'll come out the other side or what state I'll be in when I finally do come out. That thought helps me to be more ok in my dark moments. I try to just acknowledge that I'm in a dark place and allow myself to be there as long as necessary until it's time to come out.
It sounds to me like you are acknowledging the tough spot you are in which is totally ok. Don't feel bad about feeling bad, but be open to coming out of that when it's time.
On another note, I can totally identify with the fatigue and it's strength in impeding any positive forward movement. I'm sorry that you are struggling with it on top of all the other discouraging thoughts and situations. It truly is a difficult time for you.
As much as you can, take care of your basic needs each day. And keep checking in here for support.