No Feeling Anymore!!

[Tiger]

Some very painful and difficult flashbacks that would usually turn me into a quivering mess, but yet I feel nothing! No fear, no pain, no happiness, no grief, no regret, no nothing!! I feel nothing! I can remember so much, I have had some spine chilling nightmares to do with 'it' and yet in the last week or two I don't feel anything!! I have recently S/H to ground myself and yet I am not aware of the physical pain either, so what is the point of that when its the hurt that I need? It's like my head and my body have totally disconnected from each other!! My brain isn't registering any pain at all!!

Despite this, in the pit of my stomach I feel as if something unimaginable is going to happen!! Something I can't control!

I don't think this will make any sense to anyone, but if it does please help me understand what is going on? Is it normal not to feel anything emotionally, physically and mentally even though the night terrors and night sweats continue? Im so sorry, I know this sounds total nonsense!

 

[bluebird]

It does not sound like nonsense, and yes, I can relate to this absence of any feelings... I usually cry a lot after these periods of numbness.

I am very sorry to hear you are experiencing such frightening flashbacks (*gentle, safe, warm hug*). I imagine it is so overwhelming, that your mind somehow shut down in order to protect itself...

I am sorry it is so confusing for you.

Tiger, I know it is tempting, but please, remember, that you do not deserve to feel pain, you do not deserve being hurt, definitely not by yourself... I understand that really well...

It sounds to me that some sort of psychiatristic help with these symptomes would ease your mind (which doesn't mean you are "crazy"!!!). I have myself seeked medical help on a few occasions and I assure you there is nothing to be ashamed of... Perhaps it would be a good idea to contact your GP and ask her for help? She can advise you whom to contact...

This is really much pain to handle on your own. You are incredibly brave for having written this...

Take care ♡

 

[digger]

I agree with bluebird. I really think you would benefit from some individual therapy. One of the most beneficial things I think I get from my therapist is her normalising my symptoms. That's not the same as minimising them, but helping me accept that they are normal, natural, reactions to abnormal experiences.

It is so easy to feel isolated and like no one else will understand, but what you're describing will be familiar to a lot of people here. I frequently 'switch off' and feel nothing, the alternative is sometimes feeling the pain and confusion of everything all at once and that is unbearable. Dissociation is a protective thing, therapy could help you find more positive ways to protect yourself.

Read through some more of the threads here too. Do a search on the things you are feeling. I hope that might help you see you're not so alone and its not nonsense.

 

[Tiger]

Thankyou guys!! Unfortunately I don't have access to a therapist or a psychiatrist not for the want of trying may I add!! I have asked for help but as yet I have had no success!! It's just me with the support from websites like this one and my GP! She has referred me more than once, but as yet I still don't have anyone to help!! I guess its my struggle!!! It is very scary to feel like I do!! I do have a support worker but she's away for a while having an operation or something?

I appreciate you guys putting up with me, I know im a bit of a nuisance, I tototally understand other people have alot more to have to deal with than I do and im very sorry about that!! I wish I was strong enough to be able to cope with my own crap on my own, but I'm not and im ashamed of myself for my weaknesses!! I really am!! Sometimes I think that all of these struggles I face now are some sort of punishment for what I did all those years ago!! I removed myself and left behind a devastation that I can never make up for!!

 

[digger]

my GP! She has referred me more than once, but as yet I still don't have anyone to help!! I guess its my struggle!!!

What happened when you were referred? Do you mean that you didn't get to see anyone at all, or that they just haven't provided you with any ongoing support? If it's that you haven't heard anything since being referred, then get your GP to chase it up for you. Am I right in recalling that you are in England? If so, speak to your GP about IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies), if you haven't already done so? Services are variable around the country but if you google it you can see what is available to you where you live. You might have to wait a bit but they should be able to offer you something. You don't have to do it alone but it might take some nagging and persistence on your part to get what you need.

I do have a support worker but she's away for a while having an operation or something?

Something or someone should have been offered in the meantime. Speak to whoever provides the service if you are feeling unsupported while she is away.

 

[Tiger]

I saw a community worker to tell them how things were for me and they said that I was coping ok as far they could see and that was that! As far as the support worker is concerned, I am finding it difficult to trust anyone else that works there, but I can talk to someone else there if I desperately need to! I worry about talking to the other staff because Its all painful stuff and I feel very vulnerable if I break down!! I get very intimidated and I don't want anyone to think badly of me for what I did!!! Some People tell you that they won't judge you, but they still do!!!

 

[digger]

By community worker do you mean like a community psychiatric nurse? If so, I think you need to go back to your GP and ask to be referred again, either to IAPT or to a psychiatrist for assessment. You need to be honest with them about how you are feeling though and that you need more help than you are getting.

 

[Tiger]

I was being as honest as I could be with them he was a mental health practitioner (whatever that means) I found it so difficult to talk to him just because he was a man, I felt very uncomfortable being in a room on my own with him, especially as he insisted on having the door shut for privacy! I understand that I have to see whoever was available at that time!! I just didn't realise how much it effected how I felt in that situation! When he told me that he thought I as doing ok, i accepted his opinion!! Although deep down I disagreed with him, I wasn't feeling safe enough to question it!! I was so relieved when it was over!! Even though I wanted him to help me and not disregard me like the rubbish I actually felt like!! It was useless!! I have to wait at least 6 months before I can ask for another assessment! So......this is it!!