No Friends + Numbness = Emdr Treatment

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Thank you all for replying, and I am glad you can benifit from this post so you do not feel so alone.

I must add, that there is a bit of lingering pain that never quite heals. This is another reason for numbness.

 

[friendlybadger]

PF, even though there's a lingering pain, you're a stronger person for all you've been through. I relate to what you're saying too. Down the road after therapy and whatnot, I still feel like there's a hole in my heart where part of me is missing. I don't think about it all the time but there are occasions where I know it's there, I feel it, and it makes me sad.
Being numb though comes in waves and kind of ebbs and flows. The book Emotional Alchemy was really helpful in learning about the changing moods and that it is a feeling one experiences, but doesn't define who we are.

 

[Oberons Wife]

Ah, the old 'it makes you a stronger person' thought.

I can't agree with this I'm afraid. I felt it to be true in my twenties when I recovered from being raised in my birth family and from the sexualised violence and neglect, but when my mother started handing my son over to a paedophile and nobody supported me when I involved the police, I broke. AAnd I have remained broken ever since.
I have no comprehension of how a whole family chooses to collude to maintain the facade of a 'nice' middle classed family when it means sacrificing childhoods.
I'm out of there.
But even now extended family members are sent to talk me round to get me to talk to my poor mother, who is heart broken by my behaviour. poor dear mother. She obviously has been a tad forgetful about telling them why I don't have any contact with her.

Sorry for the rant.
But I do not feel strong,
on the contrary I am diminished, my life chances squashed, I am a shell of my former damaged self.

My other pet hate is the
'a baby chooses the family to which it is born as it knows it has something to learn there'
All I can say is that I must have been one hell of an ignorant pig in a previous life to need to learn lessons from that lot.

 

[friendlybadger]

Oberons Wife, I'm sorry you feel so badly about yourself and took offense at what I said. There was no patronizing intended. Being a victim of sexual, emotional and physical abuse myself, I relate to what you posted and what PF was saying. It wasn't meant to be a platitude, but instead to comment on how each of us, no matter what we have faced or how damaged we may be feeling, we are strong because we are still here. We are alive. Each day we have the opportunity to live, to breathe and to grow past what we endured. I've been down a very bad road and wanted to die for a long time, and took opportunities to attempt to make it happen. However, I wasn't successful at ending my life, and have been plugging away at living ever since. Strength, the strength that all of us survivors possess, is our ability to live despite our circumstances. Any of us could 'opt out' when the pain was too much, and many people do opt out. But the people here didn't. They kept going and kept living. That, in the face of these terrible traumas, is true strength.
Namaste.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Thank you for your replies!

 

[Béatrice]

I was almost thinking of giving up on my friend, but I thought it would be a good idea to come back here to find some hope, to "recharge my batteries". :)
And I found this post. Maybe my friend is suffering from numbness. Lately all I have been feeling was that I was bothering her. She can't even drop a line to reassure me that she's OK, or if she does, she shows annoyance.
But she sent a lovely parcel for my children and me at Christmas.
It's confusing for me, because on one hand I've been progressively receiving verbal abuse, increasing lack of interest, but on the other hand she sends presents, or she plans trips to meet me. We've been trying to plan a visit for moths, but every time it fails due to this kind of tension. And I'm still full of resentment for the things she said to me. And she doesn't want to talk about it.
I know she has been suffering a lot, she's got PTSD. I know she can't be directly affectionate etc... and it would be OK for me, as long as I could feel at least that she's glad to receive affection.
She usually can't keep friends for more than a few months. I happened to like her a lot and I'm interested in psychology, so I tried to understand, rather that thinking that "she's not nice". But I wonder if maybe I'm imagining it. Is this all due to her defenses or is there a real lack of interest? But then, why would you send presents to someone you just insulted, making her feel unwanted? It would be normal and healthy to leave someone when you feel unwanted. There are some signs of her "wanting" this friendship though, but I need a microscope to see them, still wondering if they're real.

What happens when you're numb? Do you genuinely want to be left alone? Are you able to appreciate a sign of affection, concern, worry? Which is the best way to receive it? (I use email or text, as she hates the phone).

PerfectlyFlawed, you're saying that you cannot feel anything, but it seems you would like to feel (since you're looking for a solution). It means that you don't really want to lose those friends, right? But you can't ask them to stay, or show interest so that they'll stay. So you sort of pushed them away with your lack of interest. But then you say it's a "sad life". So another part of you would like to have those friends. And the "protector" is pushing them away?

I have to find my answers here because, unlike at the beginning of the friendship, she has stopped talking about "problems". She said that she wanted to stay "casual", but now she's just absent and ignores most of my messages (even pictures) that I send her. I find all this devastating and above all I seriously wonder... maybe if I left her "for good", she wouldn't care... :( and I wouldn't hear from her again... ?

Thank you all for writing on this forum. It has been very helpful! :)

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Hi there, I have not been online for a while. Yes, we want to feel emotion and have an emotional attachment to someone, however, to the traumatized mind, having friends is a scary thing. Maybe she will come around when she is feeling better.

 

[Helliepig]

All I can say is that I must have been one hell of an ignorant pig in a previous life to need to learn lessons from that lot.

I'm so with you on that one!!!!

I have done a lot of EMDR therapy and only now really starting to deal with the very early, attachment/abandoment stuff. It is very painful, very weird, very frightening. But it is very very slowly starting to lift the confusing "wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time", the hopeless numbness and huge problems with connection to others I had, and still have. I feel less "different" than I used to. I still have no idea how to create what I want in life but I know I need to heal more before that becomes clearer.

For me, to face healing things that fundamental has been really really hard. I can't describe it actually, But all I can say is that EMDR and the innate ability of the brain to process stuff is amazing, and I can feel some of my very deep beliefs starting to change and feel more "childish" - painful tho it is to let go of them. I suppose what I am saying is, keep going..

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Yes, I feel less different as well.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

However, I do feel out of place with people my own age. People my own age are not mature enough to deal with what I have been through.