No Idea

[_blank]

I just have no reasons left not to die. It would be different if this was me 10 years ago because then I lived like a hermit in constant fear and anxiety and self-loathing, so one could say I had potential to change...but I have changed. I have been on a crazy journey that cured me of my insecurities. I actually think I'm a pretty cool person as people go. But I'm no fan of humanity...

It doesn't seem to matter that I now like myself. I still don't see any point. I still think existence is meaningless. I still do not personally know anyone that I think lives a respectful lifestyle. I still think everyone is lying to themselves every day. I still see people using one another, using me, managing to persuade themselves that they are 'good'...which is f*cking ridiculous. I cannot think of one lifestyle that I aspire to. I have done so much, achieved so much, overcome so much, and all I know is the void. People look at me and call me 'inspiring'. Its crazy. It doesn't even matter to me. They are not inspired by me. They are inspired by what they project onto me, by the limited and false knowledge they have of me. If they lived inside my head they would certainly not be inspired.

I have always tried to help. This is not because I am 'good'. This is because it is the only thing that stops me from killing myself. So its totally selfish. I'm aware of this and now I am reaching the point where I can't even bring myself to help anymore. I cannot abide humans so I volunteer with homeless cats...which has honestly kept me alive for the past 6 months but this is not enough and the strain of having to 'make money' to 'survive' which I really, really cannot do anymore is ruining the little enjoyment I get from the cats. Without money I won't have any free time for cats as I will be on the street. There's no point in that.

Achievement means nothing to me. I have no aspirations. I have done more than most people and it is all void. I have lived what would be called an adventurous, unique life. I have pulled myself out of an insanely difficult and lonely childhood, hellish and lonely 20s and then experienced about 6 mind-blowing years in my 30s that for a time gave me hope that maybe I had figured it out...but over the last year I realised it was all a multitude of distractions. All the people were users. I was just buzzing on the newness of it all. Now I am in a worse place than I was in my 20s because I feel like I have LIVED...REALLY LIVED...and I still want to die.

I started planning my suicide about 15 years ago. I am not one to make 'attempts'. I've had enough people do that around me and I don't want to be like them and wake up to find I am still alive.

I don't even know why I am on here. I feel like I'm clutching at straws...like some tiny part of my ex-christian brain is programmed to seek some sort of f*cking answer that I KNOW doesn't exist. My own last-ditch seeking annoys me.

Yeah obviously I have serious CPTSD. I have no family, no structure, no foundation and I never have had. The only base I ever had was ballet and religion and those are both long gone. I have been exposed to the extremes of human cruelty from before I was born and throughout my childhood, and my brain is hardwired by those experiences...I trust no-one, and even when people are really nice to me...well the few times they really get to know what my story is they f*ck off one way or the other. I think its too much for them. I don't mind. I don't expect anyone to save me. I have no expectations.

Don't know what else to say. Hence...blank.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi _blank,

Welcome [?back] to the forum.

I don't even know why I am on here. I feel like I'm clutching at straws...like some tiny part of my ex-christian brain is programmed to seek some sort of f*cking answer that I KNOW doesn't exist. My own last-ditch seeking annoys me.

but you are here, and you are welcome.

can I ask what help you did get? and if you are aware that there are some pretty telling hints pointing at depression and triggered trauma response in your post?

https://www.academia.edu/5825565/Therapeutic_Approaches_to_Problems_of_Meaninglessness

 

[_blank]

Thanks for the link. That looks really interesting I will go through it. I must force myself not to be fatalistic about it...because i have spent a lifetime looking for meaning, analysing what it is, what it originates from, if it is even real etc etc and it has lead me to nothing (I could write extensively why I have come to this 'nothing', but that would be a book in itself). But again I will push my fatalism aside and give it another go. May as well.

I've had some therapy. Been in a psyche ward (worst experience ever as a result I really don't trust mental health services). Also I have known many people and been in relationships with many people who have serious mental health issues and have been on different meds / therapies. Either they were apathetic after years of trying or they had been 'rehabilitated' in such a way that I would never want to be. I don't want to be a 'normal', 'functioning' member of society because I believe that this society is sick, and I believe the evidence for that is overwhelming. I have spent most of my life reading, studying and researching obsessively on subjects ranging from physics to psychology and philosophy...which has also led to this 'nothing' state which is, I admit, extremely personally disappointing but I am not one to be able to ignore what seems to be the glaring truth...

Until 18 months ago I did not realise that I was seriously emotionally abused and extremely traumatised as a child. It was all repressed. Since it all came out everything makes sense. I no longer think I am crazy. I can explain all the nutty stuff I've done. Consecutive and worsening abusive relationships that culminated in me almost being murdered. I know why I do this. I know trauma is my comfort zone as it defined the first 5 years of my life almost entirely. I also had to become an 'adult' by the age of 10 and look after my screwed up alcoholic mother. I've always been ridiculously self-sufficient, but that is just a coping mechanism and an escape. I take pride in my ability to overcome any kind of craziness. Well, I used to . The thrill is fading.

Anyway thanks for the link I will spend some time on it tomorrow.

 

[Anarchy]

I'm not exactly enamoured with what the likes of radio 4 tries to pass off as being "society"

and hospitalization would probably freak me out too.

have you ever come accross this lady?
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html?_r=2&ref=benedictcarey
she has developed the best validated treatment so far, for suicidality

 

[_blank]

Upon reflection I think I know what prompted me to come on here. I am aware that I am closer to suicide than ever before, not because I am more depressed but actually because I am more calm and pragmatic about it...I feel I am approaching some sort of decision and I don't know when it will happen but when it does it will be nothing dramatic. I know what to do I have no need to make anything out of it...I will just sort it quietly.

I guess a tiny part of my brain is going 'oh shit...this is really happening'.

 

[Chava]

First, I relate to most of these feelings. I don't know if this fits for you, but I attribute it to really deep disconnection. Sometimes it's like constant subtle dissociation, but very often just disconnected. Other sensations: being trapped in a bubble and the world is happening around me, maybe even if different time, like a parallel universe. Or I have been cut off from the space station and hurled into void. Or my nervous system is not even in my body, but scattered everywhere and I am hollow. Not sure if that just sounds crazy or what...

It doesn't seem to matter that I now like myself. I still don't see any point. I still think existence is meaningless.

Chronic meaninglessness. Void, emptiness, could be a less obvious form of depression, or the disconnection stuff. The sense of meaninglessness is common with complex trauma (assume you know this though). I work like a starved little bird to gather meaning. What it is for me? I'm super f*cking curious. There is just shit to learn and explore. All other ideas of "meaning" or ideas of connecting my meaning to being meaningful to others? Not necessarily helpful...though it does feel nice to feel like you mean something to others, naturally. That's just not everything really.

I still do not personally know anyone that I think lives a respectful lifestyle. I still think everyone is lying to themselves every day.

I felt this way a long time ago. You might be projecting your void state onto others. Sure some people are lying to themselves. We might be lying to ourselves also, right now.

all I know is the void.

I get that.

Achievement means nothing to me. I have no aspirations. I have done more than most people and it is all void

I get that too. As a kid this was the only way I knew to get positive feedback from adults (over-achieving). I realized it felt empty as an adult. But I do what I love and achieve because I am curious for my own reasons. When I am not, I drift elsewhere for a while, even if only in my free time.

I have no family, no structure, no foundation and I never have had. The only base I ever had was ballet and religion and those are both long gone.

I had the symphony orchestra. That was my structure and frame, where I felt like a whole person and also connected to the living world (vs separate). I felt contained and yet totally alive. I lost that too (injuries that can't be undone). But holding onto that is the past. I'm curious about the idea that maybe my life didn't have meaning only because I was in the symphony. I'm scattered and free-floating right now. I survived a difficult year of fogginess and emptiness. I feel lost and disconnected again. But I tend to focus on the present (the fact that it's confusing or feels empty isn't a reason to kill myself...for me it's a reason to see how I will either grow out of this...like not even have to scramble to fill the void but just figure out if it's okay for me to just exist...)

I have no expectations.

I've felt that too. Also no sense of future and low standards. I make so little effort at relationships. But at least I'm doing therapy, talking about this, paying attention to where I can connect and nurturing those wimpy half-assed attempts.

Are you doing therapy? My traumas were multiple, ongoing, but also starting pre-birth. My therapist describes my stuff as very globalized complex trauma, and we agree there are symptoms quite like attachment disorders too (for me, closest to inhibited form). I almost feel like I'm autism spectrum, but i'm not. But it helps to understand myself better. My therapist said some of my patterns are nearly intractable but NOT impossible to change. It's kind of up to me to decide what I want to work hard to change or rewire. I want to be able to connect better, yet realize I do like a whole lot of alone time. I also don't compare myself to others...only try to see where I can relate (learned to fight my tendency to see myself as separate and different...I am, but i'm like part of the same universe).

I'm revising my whole conception of spirituality, too. Don't give up on that...however it might work. Your void reads like spiritual emptiness. I often find connection even in listening to sounds I like...and I don't overthink or take it for granted, but just let it connect me in the moment.

Have you read Laurence Heller's book "Healing Developmental Trauma"? I underlined entire chapters...very validating, which helps me accept where I'm at and loosen my sense of void a bit. Another book I liked a lot was Sebern Fisher's "Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma". Neurofeedback isn't an option for me, but in at least the first half of the book I was amazed at the science behind early trauma and how well she described it.

Heller suggests a neuro-affective relational model, which is probably close to what i'm doing with my therapist...Somatic Experiencing and other non-cognitive approaches, and slowly letting some attachment stuff work itself out slowly....I have always liked her but for the first couple years she didn't seem "real" to me all the time (awesome she understood this and wasn't fazed). Anyway, curious what your therapy experience has been like, past or present.

 

[Chava]

I am closer to suicide than ever before, not because I am more depressed but actually because I am more calm and pragmatic about it

Just saw this. My outsider hunch (from relating a good bit) is that this is "calm" dissociation or like GABA overload or something. False warm glow of total detachment?

Get help. If needed go to the hospital.

 

[Anarchy]

Get help. If needed go to the hospital.

seconded

 

[_blank]

What people call 'depression' I call 'realism'. I just have seen too much of the garish truth. Of course everyone has to lie to themselves all the time, otherwise we'd all just be like lemmings running over the cliff. That is the problem. 'Reality' (as far as we can know it through our 5 / 6 senses) is not comforting. Just as much as we have sensory filters I believe we have emotional filters (lies) but my filters were unable to develop sufficiently due to early trauma...

I feel like there is no way to 'unsee' or 'unexperience'...I do not believe that morality exists (although ironically I have a very strong moral structure - another protective mechanism)...there is no right or wrong there is just existence and experience. Which is all very well and good but I just find it is not worth it...and it never has been. For me.

Yup.

 

[_blank]

Yes I will probably go to a clinic I found that is the only place that I would consider...I think its time.
Thanks for the input it is always good to share. I am reading everything you all sent. I identify with a lot of it.
Ta.

 

[Anarchy]

are you on, or just gone cold turkey with anti depressants?

if you are, can you get yourself to A&E. You are writing a lot like a friend who used to become suicidal with anti depressants.

 

[_blank]

Nop. Been this way for about a year...gradually getting less and less 'emotional' and more 'practical' about the whole situation.
That's why I think I'm on here as I said. I am aware of the seriousness of my calmness.
I will go to the clinic before I do anything serious.