No Intimacy

[Sweetpea76]

That's got to be frustrating... not only to see him suffering and not getting enough help, but to have to deal with relationship issues that he won't acknowledge or work on either. :hug: ((Hugs)) if you accept them.

 

[maddiegirl]

Aww how sweet thank you so much. It is. I do love him very much but it's so difficult to watch him suffer. :hug:

 

[ekane]

@FridayJones thanks for all those great points. Those highlight the system he has already overcome just to put himself in any therapy. This is the thing though - he is already doing treatment. The sacrifice/ career risks are already there. Also it dies not by any means diminish or excuse his his wife is being undercut. So he's doing 12 appointments a year while disrespecting his wife's basic needs, as she has pointed out verbatim in the this thread. Having PTSD is not a free pass to disrespect someone who has basic needs, especially your spouse. She is being loving and patient and understanding, but he is not giving that same respect back. If a person cannot at least be respectful to their wife after they've already taken the leap into therapy despite being a tough military man, then I stand by the fact that maybe he needs to consider 12 appointments becomes 20, or 30. If he doesn't not learn to respect his wife in the process, the sexless years and neglectful responses he gives her will land him divorced in a matter of time just like a heap of other military men with PTSD. And none of the unfortunate macho culture and policy that makes it so tough for these brave men to be yet brave again by seeking therapy will matter at all. Furthermore PTSD gets progressively worse over time when there is not enough support in the environment via therapy/safe places/safe people etc. It does not heal without solid work, and if a man is still disrespecting his wife just for wanting sex, not pressuring, but just wanting sex, then his 12 appointments are not enough.

 

[Ronin]

@ekane, you can't force a person into any sort of treatment. It's problematic at best, and easily unethical.
To *demand* something like therapy that could rather well end one's professional career, isn't respectful.
And this 'sex with her above his happiness', respectively him being a 'better husband' via therapy? I sense rape culture here.

It's one thing to have needs and differences in those needs.
It's totally different thing to demand needs be met in a particular way when it's been outlined it's simply not doable for the person in question without sacrificing something they shouldn't be asked to sacrifice.

 

[ekane]

@Kaia I'm not talking about force and demands. I'm talking about consideration and respect. She should be able to discuss** the idea with her husband without being disrespected. If he says no, then awesome, he has his boundaries. She also has to prepare for the long haul and consider* if she can deal with this for years to come. Right now she is staying strong but after a full year she is obviously stressed enough to share with the forum. She needs to consider possibilities for her own* boundaries for the next 12, 24, 36 + months.

 

[Ronin]

All I'm saying is I don't see his behavior as disrespectful because of differing needs as you have stated.
He has his boundaries and he's working his ass off on getting better however he CAN.
Also that one aspect of mental health (sexuality) doesn't come before whole mental health and it's saddening it gets viewed that way.

 

[ekane]

@Kaia I totally get what you're saying and I agree to a far extent. What sucks about having PTSD though is that we can't expect everyone else to be able to be compatible with our issues and the time it takes to heal or change. His boundaries are great, its just that everyone has their "line", and his wife has her own line which she is trying to adjust, but everyine has a max. She deserves validation* for her feelings* too. She feels* disrespected. Nobody can judge it except her and him and a very solid therapist. Her feeling* disrespected matters, a lot! She is not less important than him. They are equal. I want her to know that she is valid and if she can't get emotional support most women get from husband, she should feel free to consider her own boundaries and needs and discuss her emotions with a therapist who can add balance to a very imbalanced situation. She should not feel trapped or like she has no viable options to cope too.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This isn't about forcing, rape, putting sex before mental health, or just being sexually frustrated... this is about a relationship issue. No loving supporter would ever force their sufferer into doing anything that they are not comfortable doing. Period.

 

[Friday]

This is a very interesting article that was over in the sister-site recently.

http://www.utsandiego.com/news/2014/oct/11/veterans-sexual-dysfunction-ptsd/

“That fiery, playful sex that people have with their partners is a huge, positive buffer to all the other stuff you go through in life,” said U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs psychologist Linda Mona, who runs an intimacy clinic at the VA medical center in Long Beach. “Life is hard. Sex and relating to others in that way is such an awesome buffer ... to nourish you. When that goes away, it’s one less protective factor to help you through life.”

That there even is an intimacy clinic at (at least one)VA? Inspiring at the very least.

 

[Wastinglight]

Yeah, I can echo much of what has been written above. The quote Friday has posted above hits the nail on the head, for me. Intimacy (sexual and otherwise) is so important in romantic relationships - understanding intellectually what the cause is, only gets you so far. It is a basic need in a relationship.

I'm interested to know WHY your partner thinks meds are a waste of time. Is that what he's heard from other vets? Has he tried them previously? What I'm getting at is, has he formed this opinion on the basis of what he considers to be solid evidence? If not, is it possible to gently challenge that viewpoint?

Having said that, having your guy start taking meds is unlikely to solve the intimacy problem in the short term! For my guy, even when he's in the mood, his meds sometimes make it difficult to 'reach the promised land', if you get my meaning ;). Not to mention all the other stuff going on that means we sometimes don't fool around at all for a week or two at times.

Intimacy is very important, but sex is only part of intimacy. How about kissing, cuddling, holding hands, touching each other in a non-sexual way? Is your guy okay with doing that kind of thing. I find that, even when sex is off the cards, my intimacy needs are met in other, non-sexual ways. Just holding each other in bed makes me feel loved and wanted.

Hugs and best of luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No loving supporter would ever force their sufferer into doing anything that they are not comfortable doing. Period.

I REALLY hope you posted this in @Muse's thread where she was going on and on about how sometimes supporters know best, even when a sufferer is setting up a firm boundary for space.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The only time I would ever push my supporter is when his health and well being were on the line... ie suicide threats, not seeking medical attention when he is in severe bodily distress, substance abuse problems, or the like. I respect his boundaries.