No Intimacy

[Powder]

First, what Solara is presenting here is not an accurate summary of my perspective, but I think that's obviated by the act of tagging someone into a very sensitive and vulnerable original post. Since I've read the thread, though,
@maddiegirl I'm sorry that this has happened on your thread.

From someone with PTSD's perspective, it can take a long time to work through denial and move into acceptance of having your life changed by this disorder. Whether someone gets PTSD as an adult or a youngster, Anthony, this site's Administrator points out that the DSM criteria remain in place. What that means is that everyone with PTSD will have a cluster of features in common, but some will not have all the issues, and the features vary in intensity by individual and over time.

It's not possible for anyone to predict the trajectory of your sufferer's disorder. Sometimes, it can get worse, and other times go into remission on its own.

I know it's so hard to be in relationship with someone who is hurting, and their hurt becomes shared with you. Lack of intimacy is just one area this is happening, but that can feel like rejection or be taken personally.

That said, I hope you don't necessarily do that without additional reasons to feel it is rejection.

With my PTSD, even though I do all the things I should, I still find PTSD will cause me to do certain things.

Once I went three days without feeling any hunger or desire to eat.

I often go a week or two "without thinking about sex" at all, in the same way I can not think about food.

While I can't speak for others with PTSD, and I certainly have no idea what's going on with other people, for me, I think it has to do with my brain and body being stuck during those times in "survival mode" without my consent, which makes me think I don't need normal, ordinary basic needs such as:

• Food
• Water
• Sleep
• Friends
• Sex, etc.

From what was explained in Anthony's Wiki's and posts, as well as other pages on PTSD that you might find helpful to understand, this could be due to the "fight/flight" survival mechanism that allows a person to survive a crisis; this same mechanism gets stuck on at the wrong times and is not possible to shut off in a predictable way. PTSD is considered "chronic if symptoms from all the main clusters are regular for over 3 months." 14 years is average for the trajectory of adult onset PTSD. However, a mean is meaningless to an individual. That is no way to gauge PTSD for one person.

I don't know how much you already have learned about PTSD, but not wanting normal things is part of the disorder. If a natural disaster or predator were upon us, you'd stand a better chance of survival if you ignored sex, food, and sleep until the crisis were averted.

Problem is, PTSD is where the brain/body is forced back into that cycle without good reason, so not noticing a drive for certain things, or having a strong, sudden drive can happen, as said above.

It's pretty hard to understand and respect oneself when one is totally ravenous one month, and totally not interested another. Many people with PTSD get misdiagnosed Bipolar for this reason.

My suggestion is generally to offer 100% respect and not over "notice" these changes. By noting them, you could make the sufferer feel criticised and further misunderstood inside of him or herself. Rather, best to only offer feedback when asked and only then within a positive, firm way. Less is more.

I hope you will give your PTSD survivor enough space to learn to navigate this and enough positive support for the sense that you are his/her friend and trusted ally to continue to be there.

It really does take some time; how long depends on the person. And pills and therapy can help with aspects of this disorder, and even then, not for everyone. Pills and therapy don't go as far as people think. 30%+ at least is placebo. So it's really much more important for people to feel continuity and safety in their home, work, life and relationships is secured despite what is going on inside of them at times.

But I do feel the pain in your post, and I do think what you're going through is tough.

Together, I hope you find and establish new ways to experience or express love and respect, safety, and "everything's going to be okay" as a partnership.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, no, I do think I was correct....you said something about supporters knowing best when we want to isolate....OK, so I stand corrected, it wasn't in your thread, rather a response you made to another supporter's thread in which you told the supporter to stand firm and not back down. Uhm, violation of boundaries right there. Your PTSD @Muse may not be that severe, but when someone violates my explicit requests for space and tramples all over my boundaries, you better believe I'm gonna react like a firecracker (and rightfully so as I initially respectfully requested space in a dignified way.) I had my boundaries trampled on as a kid, so it doesn't help me to have them trampled on as an adult. The boundary thing goes both ways. Supporters have to hold strong with theirs, but also be willing to abide by the boundaries set forth by their sufferers. If a supporter refuses to give this alone time, then the supporter may not be fit to actually be a supporter. Space lets many of us heal. I have a feeling you're an extrovert so this conversation is now going nowhere.... (ie Extroverts cannot fathom the lives of introverts as we live in a very extroverted world. On the flip side, introverts are quite in tune with extroverts as we have been forced to live in their world by their rules our entire lives, and when we don't conform to their standards, we are branded antisocial loser loner outcasts. Or something like that LOL)

 

[Wastinglight]

(ie Extroverts cannot fathom the lives of introverts as we live in a very extroverted world. On the flip side, introverts are quite in tune with extroverts as we have been forced to live in their world by their rules our entire lives, and when we don't conform to their standards, we are branded antisocial loser loner outcasts. Or something like that LOL)

Just wanted to say @Solara that I love this statement! As an introvert, I believe it sums things up perfectly. My brother (who is also an introvert) and I had this conversation recently. We both believe that life is just a little bit harder for introverts, because many seem to view introvertedness as somehow undesirable (whereas we believe that introverts possess many very desirable qualities).

 

[Powder]

We just occupy different rabbit holes. Don't introverts fall in love? I did.

Oh, I see something in your post now and think maybe it's the key to the issue; not sure. Supporters. That is the issue. No, I shouldn't have used that as a blanket category. Or it should have been read as a blanket term being used in a particular type of instance, an intimate one.

I see supporters as covering more territory. There are intimate ones, like my one. Rules change after you pass the Mason-Dixon line of intimacy.

Because there are 'almost intimate' supporters, like a therapist, and general ones, like co-worker friends, etc. I see these as all supportive people who can provide support on a regular basis, but if I told a therapist to not contact me or a co-worker to go away, they would and they'd be right to. We're not intimate.

My situation doesn't apply to any old supporter. I Guess that is important. Context is vital to understanding. I think you could work on that skill. I've read a lot of posts in which you misread just one word and it changes the entire meaning. You get angry, but you aren't looking at the key details such as spending your life with a special person who is your one and only best friend.

Or maybe it was my post and me being vague. I can sometimes be too vague with terms, so I own that part of the miscommunication. People can often infer the meaning others are sharing via context clues and don't expect that level of specificity. I think if triggered into a right brain hijacking, that gets more challenging, at least for me. So I give room for that.

I don't know what sent the wheels off rolling in this case, only that now I see you generalized the term "supporters' as "one size fits all" (at least just then) but then "why did you do that?" That I don't know.

When I assume people 'mean' stuff I'll be angry a lot. Been there, done that! It sucks. Rather, I now hold my fire and ask left-brain questions.

Most arguments start when two people hold different definitions. Semantics are not worth the rancor. It's just a word.