Supporter No Words, Just Gone

[Brii1515]

Hi everyone, just looking to understand what is going on and what happened With my husband...

We have been together 5 years and married almost 2. We had a long distance relationship because he was stationed across the country, until we got married and I moved in. Everything has been perfect (or so I thought) it was like any other relationship we disagreed on stuff but never actually fought we are very calm and like to talk things out. His drinking was a problem because when he drank I saw a person I didn't know. He would get aggressive with people and talk down on people and he would drink and drive so we came to the agreement that it was better he didn't drink. So like I said we get along pretty good, we spend a lot of time together and joke around blah blah a good relationship.


That is until the beginning of October we went to a family birthday party with his family and the days that followed he started distancing himself, he was over working and after work would find more work and would come home until midnight. I had an issue with that because he was completely not taking care of himself and I told him about it and he said that I was right that he would start taking care of himself. The next two days he completely shut off and didn't want anything, we talked and he said he felt like I have him 100% while he gave me 68% that he didn't know what made him happy anymore, I told him I would be there while he figured it out but he said it wasn't fair to me and that he felt guilt because of it. I told him there was something he wasn't telling me and he took a minute and said that at the family party his mom told him he didn't look happy(because he wasn't drinking) that she could see it, he said he told her he was but she insisted he wasn't happy. He said that made him think about everything and anything and he realized he wasn't happy with anything. We got home and our roommate didn't pay the electricity bill so that sent him deeper, the next day he came home after work and said he didn't know what he wanted, if he still wanted to be with me so he was going to stay at his friends the night and come the next day...he left me the car. He came back 4 days later. He looked empty, as soon as I saw him I knew there was something horribly wrong. I went up to him and hugged him, he rested his head on my shoulder like a child and was like a child. He said he had gone soul searching, he looked like he hadn't ate, slept, showered( he is extremely clean but he still had the same clothes on) I just hugged him. He left to work and the next two weeks consisted of him only coming home to sleep 4 times and disappearing the rest. The days that he did come home he would have constant nightmares, I had to keep waking him up all night as he was shaking bad. He opened up to me a little about the guilt he felt for the things he had to do while deployed. Someone in his dreams would come and tell him no matter how much you try to change your still the same evil person...while he talked he felt absent, my husband wasn't there. When he would come home he would cuddle me and it was like a realization hit him of what he was doing so he would quickly turn around and give me his back. One day he came at 6 in the morning and just laid his head on my lap while I played with his hair, he looked peaceful and the most I've seen of him.

After that he disappeared, I could only find him at work to talk about important things (he stopped paying rent, bills were piling up) I only went twice and he told me he thought I would have been gone by then that he was going to get a smaller apartment so he can live by himself because of bills. I asked him why couldn't I move with him and I know his pride has always wanted better for me so it turned out he felt like he couldn't take me to a place that wasn't up to standards :/ I gave him money to pay rent. I then realized he had taken our savings which wasn't much but still the way he did it, he said he was going to put it back with the most empty emotionless face ever. I told him it didn't matter as long as he was ok. He started going out with friends to bars and stuff but he couldn't be around me. I finally confronted him and again he wasn't there, he said he was done with us, that he couldn't love me the way that I deserved and that I deserved better. That he rather hurt me now then me have to go through it my whole life, that he had made up his mind and nothing I said would change it. He made the choice for me, as he was heading out again I tried to talk more and he looked at me and he was getting shaky and grabbing his hair at this point and said do you really want me to stay so I can hurt you and say mean things to you? I told him if he wanted me to leave he had to pack my stuff himself, he said ok that he would be back the next day. I realized I needed to take a step back and just looked down while he left. He never came back the next day...(gave me hope he wanted me to stay) that weekend he took the car away and I never saw him again, his sister in law posted pictures of a Halloween party they had and every single picture he was chugging beers, two pictures with a girl who he was hugging...(that girl is no where near his "type" he's always said he found no attraction in that "type" and only stuck to his typical all his relationships)

That's when I decided I needed to leave, I had no family, no car, no money and I was alone across the country. His family just thinks it's me that I'm the problem. I asked him to meet me at the AT&T store to get my phone under my name and he never replied...now a month after not hearing from him he still pays my cell phone, I went "stalker" mode and saw how much data he has been using, because I got a warning to my phone that it was almost done but it just begun so is he drowning himself online? I don't get why he is still paying my cellphone if the day I left he called our lawyer to tell him he wanted to file for divorce in 6-12 months...why the day I left? Is he that mad that I actually left? I don't understand and I miss him still :/

Sorry for the long post

 

[shimmerz]

Everything has been perfect

His drinking was a problem because when he drank I saw a person I didn't know. He would get aggressive with people and talk down on people and he would drink and driver

How do these two even fit together? Perfect isn't an aggressive drinker who drives while drunk and is condescending to others.

I get how things can be attempted to be wrapped around PTSD here, but I think you are dealing with lifestyle choices here. He likes to drink. He has left you destitute. That isn't a 'PTSD thing'.

If I were you I would look at the behaviours of alcoholics before you focus in on the PTSD. And you need to get yourself out of Dodge before he does even more damage to your life situation.

 

[Brii1515]

@shimmerz

Everything was perfect besides the few incidents with alcohol that occurred in the beginning of our marriage I should have worded that better. He hadn't drank in a long time, about 5 months and prior to that he was drinking a beer on occasion. The heavy drinking was at the beginning and it wasn't an every day thing but when he would he would over drink.

But you're right, just everything that is going on its hard to see clearly without his cooperation, I'm trying to find closure but he won't give it to me. Just all the nightmares he was having, the guilt of him being alive and not his friend. The guilt of the things he had to do we're getting to him hard. The sad part the first person he looked for help is his father also a veteran with a bunch of issues he rather drink away and use drugs. He can't even stand his father and when he came back the first weekend he started hanging out with his father non stop. He said his dad told him to just be happy and not care about anyone but his own happiness.

Ugh I want to hate him but it's hard to because I love him and I see how lost he is. I understand that he can't get help unless he's willing.

He said he couldn't even look at me because he felt guilt...I just don't understand what happened

 

[Brii1515]

@shimmerz i did run because I started getting anxiety and having nightmares myself...I was going downhill fast. So now I'm 2500 miles away with no answers or closure...I just know he doesn't want anything to do with me but he still pays my cellphone what is that supposed to mean anyway? Smh who knows


Also the first two weeks he told me with his empty face, "I haven't even drank I just go somewhere and I just want to be alone I don't care about drinking or anything. I don't care about work my family you anything, you cry and I don't feel guilt or sadness I don't feel anything."

 

[LuckyDuck]

Sounds like lapsed sobriety, a want to be normal, with the realization that his suspicions of being an alcoholic were true and *poof* back to drinking harder than ever and manipulating the hell out of everyone.

Yes, he's mad. Not for reasons that you should go back. Just ask yourself: would you be friends with someone who had the power to instantly turn people against you and did it on a whim?

 

[Brii1515]

@LuckyDuck @shimmerz
Thank you both for your insight and words. They're actually great at this time.

That might be the case I know he used to hide the pain he was in and memories of what happened when he was deployed by drinking...we were dealing with issues life was throwing our way that are common in life but can be overcome. The stress was probably too much, there's so much that happened and I'm sorry I keep adding to the story it's just been a lot. About a week prior to him starting with nightmares we had an incident which I brought up to him...I took a late shower and when I went to lay down he was already sleeping, but as soon as I laid down he got halfway up (laying on his stomach) and help my wrist down next to my head...I thought he was playing so I laughed and then realized he was looking at me like never before, that's when I realized he wasn't there I kept saying his name over and over until he looked down (brought his face closer) and as he stared at me he just let himself fall on my shoulder asleep. The next day he had no memory of it. A week after is when the nightmares started nonstop and he wouldn't sleep.

He didn't just push me away the first weekend everyone was included in the no communication that included his whole family. When he came back he only talked to his dad. For two weeks he avoided his brother that is his closest friend. He even ditched him on certain things. After two weeks that's when he started going around his brother and started drinking.

His mom and I are the ones that have gotten the worst of it. He completely cut us off, I'm thinking it's because we are the ones that suggested counseling.


Idk I just thank you both and will look at a bigger picture, alcohol has always been his escape route. :/

 

[Livy's Mom]

@Brii1515, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how confusing and hurtful it is.

I will throw out a disclaimer before I share my own thoughts with you. I in no way advocate for you to give this man a pass on his behaviors.

I'm saying that because, sometimes we as supporters don't set and maintain clear boundaries in our relationships and it can lead to the never ending doormat syndrome. I think we do it from a very loving and caring place but it only leads to more hurt.

It is tempting to place all of the hurt and questions into the "he has an illness" bucket. It's important to remember that yes, an illness exists but it isn't a get out of jail free card. It's hard sometimes to distinguish symptoms from assholes.

That being said, your story is very much like mine. Seemingly typical relationship, struggles with drinking, sudden onset of detachment and so on...

It has happened in my relationship 3 times in 5 years. Each time it happens I'm as shocked and hurt as if it were the first time.

I don't know your husband so I cannot say whether or not he is suffering or is just a plain old asshole but from my own experience and what you have written it sounds pretty run of the mill.

Even after going through this multiple times, when it happens my guy is 110% sure of his decisions and feelings or lack there of.

Each time it happens all of our family and friends sort of shrug it off like it's obvious it's just relationship problems and I get the vibe they are whispering in private that I'm in denial.

They ALWAYS talk about the drinking. It seems like it's easier for them to stamp him with an alcoholism diagnosis and wash their hands of it. Like addiction is a choice therefore he made his own bed.

I think a lot of people are just uneducated about PTSD. They assume a person with PTSD, is someone who drops to the ground when they hear loud bangs, or has habitual fits of rage or if movies and tv had their way, a person with PTSD would certainly have killed off their whole family, gone on a gun rampage.

Those of use who love people with PTSD know that the image people have in their minds of sufferers is almost absurd. I'm sure that level of suffering and illness exists but not in my home.

In my home it's barely noticeable to the untrained eye. It's not anger all the time. It's not sleepless nights, it's NOT the picture portrayed in this world.

In my home it's a partner who lives with increasing levels of anxiety that he medicated with alcohol. It's the roller coaster of intimacy, and sometimes when he hasn't been able to self medicate enough and the stress of normal everyday suburban life overwhelms him it becomes exactly what you described. Cold, detached and done.

I'm not in denial. Your not crazy. Yes they can sometimes turn cold, detached and walk away just like that. In a matter of hours, days whatever it may be. It happens. Quite often I've learned from friends I've made here on the forum.

If I were you I would stick around the forum and read all of the information and threads you can. You will find your story written over and over and over.

If I could give you any advice it would be to try to read the threads for your own understanding. Read them in an effort to ward off the inevitable painful questions and thoughts about what you did, or why he doesn't love you enough and so on.

Try not to read them in an effort to use the knowledge to fix it or convince him. It's out of your control. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. It caused more pain than was necessary.

Take care of yourself. That is the only action you can take right now that is guaranteed to yield a positive result.

 

[Brii1515]

@Brii1515, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how confusing and hurtf...

Thank you for your response I could definitely relate to everything you said!

I have thought about boundaries, in a way I feel stupid for still wanting him back after everything. I more than anything want him to be ok, I want to hear my husband not this guy who I don't know...something that I am sure of is that I can't be with him if he doesn't get help, the help has to be consistent until I feel like it is time to give him a chance. This "break" actually if anything is making me realize that I do want kids and if he doesn't if I can live with that bug I also feel like I can't bring a child to this world when he is not willing to give it his all to be ok and functional. I will never again move away from my family, his family is no support and they don't act like an actual family and why should we love there when my family is full of love that are willing to help him move forward and support him in any way possible. I think I know now what I want but that also can't be if he never comes around, it makes me wonder when he will? It's been two months since it all started and one month since we lost contact.

How long has it usually taken for your husband to come around again or reach out to you?

He is actually one of the most caring, sweet loving guys. His heart is big so he is always trying to be a good husband. He has always respected me and taken care of me (emotionally) and my needs. We play around a lot and over all he is the type of person that could make my day anytime even by his supportive presence.

Yes! His family told me right away that I needed to give him space that I had made him change so fast and he was realizing we didn't have anything in common! That I just didn't know him that well! Ugh so since its me how come he avoided everyone else for so long?! In the heat of the moment I actually told his mom in a very nice polite way if she knew the only reason we ever visited was because I made him go see them...that kept them quiet lol

That's exactly how my husband acts too!!! The intimacy was almost non existent, he said he didn't know why he just didn't want to, he would hug me cuddle me but his desire had gone away and he looked like he honestly didn't know why. He isolated himself from his friends and family by playing video games all the time. Over working and just being lazy around the house but if I asked him to help he would. The stress just got to him. By the third week He said "this is the longest it's taken me to feel better and worst" like I said life just kept throwing punches at us but what I could handle he couldn't. It was mostly a little financial struggle.

Thank you for your kind words, I have really been trying to read as much as I can and to this point I feel sure of who I am. I know I gave him my all and my loyalty and love is something that he can't find easily. I know I'm a good wife, he is just lost. It was hard to understand this in the beginning of why me? Why can he be around everyone else and not me? But I realized that I'm the only person that makes him think of who he truly is, to set goals and handle life straight on. He can't be around me because I wouldn't let him self destruct. I believe in him and I know that's something he can't stand, because I see the pain he is in and he can't hide it from me.

Thank you again so much for your time and God bless you!

 

[Livy's Mom]

in a way I feel stupid for still wanting him back after everything

I think it's normal to feel the way you do. I feel that way every time it happens. It's your own emotional response. Once the shock and awe of the situation wears off I always let go of that and cut myself a break. A good friend of mine whom I met on the forum just started the going through this again the other day and one of the first texts I received from her about it was "I'm so stupid".

Your not a fool. We love these people and we can go a long time between extreme episodes. I'm going through it again right now and it's been 3 years since the last time it got to this level.

I want to hear my husband not this guy who I don't know.

This for me is one of the hardest things to deal with. It's really does feel like I'm talking to a completely different person. It also makes me feel like I am in denial because for some reason nobody else sees the major change that I do. I literally say "who the F am I talking to right now!" It sends my brain into a tailspin. It is incredibly frustrating because w know that the other person, the one w fell in love with is in there somewhere. We start to get desperate to find him and pull him to the surface. Don't try, it usually seems to push him further down the rabbit hole.

I can't be with him if he doesn't get help, the help has to be consistent until I feel like it is time to give him a chance.

This is a good boundary to set. I wish I were at a place where I could set it and stick to it but unfortunately I have said this same thing and not followed through. I have made the choice to stay committed to him and love him just the way he is. That was a choice I made and continue to make. People say to me all the time, things like "well he can't come back until..." Or "he needs a reason to want help". I disagree with those statements in my own situation. When I said I accept you just as you are, I meant that. My love for him is not contingent on getting "help" and I know that trying to force him into treatment by giving ultimatums is never going to be helpful. He has to want to go for himself.

So with those choices I've made comes a "you've made your bed" attitude from my family and friends and it's ok. That is for me to deal with. If there comes a time that my commitment to the relationship IS contingent to his efforts then I'll act in accordance. For now, for me, I'm just not there yet.

That is not to say however that I don't have boundaries. I do. Right now he is living outside of our home. We have a 3 year old daughter and I do not allow him to come and go in and out of her life as he pleases. I do not engage in hostile or paranoia field conversations it's him and I absolutely do not lie to my child about "where daddy is" or "why is daddy gone". I tell her the truth in the most age appropriate way I can which is sometimes, daddy doesn't feel good but when he feels better he will be back but he loves you very much.

Having a child in these situations makes it so so much harder. If you don't already have children then I strongly urge you to put that far on the back burner unless he has sought treatment. It's absolutely possible for a sufferer to be an amazing parent but why take the chance of hurting a child.

At the time I got pregnant with my daughter, our relationship was only 3 months along. I knew he had PTSD but I didn't really KNOW what that meant. At this point though, I cannot undo any of it so I have to navigate it differently than many would recommend and I do that for my little girl.

How long has it usually taken for your husband to come around again or reach out to you?

Everyone is different. There is no standard time table of when they seem to come around. For me, the first time he was gone for a week. 2nd time he was gone 3 months, this time he's been gone about 3 months now with no indication it is taking a turn toward normal. My friend I referenced earlier, her and her guy went days and sometimes month, one time just about a full year.

There are a lot of factors that determine how long or if at all. That's why the folks on this site tell us to take care of ourselves. Go on with your life and do what is best for you. It's because nobody knows the if and when. It may never come and that is out of your control so the best thing you can do is focus on your own individual happiness. It's a hard thing to do, but the most important thing you can do.

The intimacy issue is part of our relationship but honestly it never bothered me because guess what, I go through that too! I can go long periods of time where physical attention is the LAST thing on my mind. That happens with a lot of people. The difference with these men is that it's sometimes just a non existent sex drive but other times it is the emotional intimacy that has taken a nose dive.

I've learned over time that it has nothing to do with me and have learned to receive his love through his actions not his words.

My guy once yelled in my face "I don't love you!" I said well that's strange because I've felt more love from you than from any other partner ice ever had. I feel it from his actions. I've been showered with affection from previous partners and felt completely unloved. Now I'm lucky to get a hug and my heart swells with love from him. It sounds nuts but it's not.

Hang in there, do your best to care for yourself and stick around here. Ask tons of questions, there are many people here who have lived this far longer than I have and can help you along your journey. Even if it turns out to be a journey without him.

Be well

 

[intothelight]

@Brii1515 Welcome and I hope you continue to find support here.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Welcome to the forum