Childhood Non-Contact Sexual Abuse

[amicableDog6980]

The next time I doubt that non-contact sexual abuse is a concept, I hope I remember having to filter through old family photos for child nudity.

Grandma passed away last year. I am going through photos I found in her house to digitize them. There are lots of smiles and happy memories, but also pictures of child me and siblings on the toilet, naked, or skimpily dressed, are a blatant, irrefutable reminder of childhood abuse that occurred.

 

[spinningmytires]

I’ve suffered from non-contact sexual abuse by my father, which I first recalled at age 4. And yet, I doubt that he was sexually aroused when viewing naked children or photos. At social gatherings, I would notice my father repeatedly glancing at attractive young women — yet, he showed no interest in approaching them. Never had I noticed his flirting in anyone, not ever.

I think he actually disliked children, as if they were too noisy, disruptive and unpredictable. He was always telling me to sit still and stop fidgeting — not easy for a child. He didn’t enjoy my company either.

This being said, he would walk back and forth in front of my partly open bedroom door, as I’d be getting dressed for school every morning — as if he were trying to get a peek. I began to notice this behavior during my teens. And yet, I didn’t fully realize why he kept walking past my door. However, when not fully dressed I always stayed behind my closet door where he couldn’t see me.

One day, my younger sister even mentioned our father’s odd behavior. Yet, not until I was age 24, had I become consciously aware that my father was masturbating in front of me and sneaking into my bedroom at night while I slept.

I don’t understand ny father’s past CSA behavior at all. He didn’t appear to even want physical contact with anyone. I discovered that he had been cuddling with my bed blankets. I suspect he might have also wanted to cuddle with my childhood stuffed animal toys. I think this is why my mother disallowed me to have stuffed toys as a child.

Neither of my parents desired physical intimacy with the other. In away, my mother had married her ‘obedient butler’ while, my father had married his ‘controlling mother.’ No passionate love-making there!!

I suspect, my father’s CSA was highly unusual in that he seemed schizoid and extremely aloof with cluster A characteristics. His sexual desires seemed to be entirely fulfilled within his own imagination combined with his self-directed body sensations.

Apparently, he wasn’t sexually aroused by another person’s touch. However, the scent and touch of my previously wore clothing must have been arousing to him, as I once noticed him placing my wore panties in his pocket and walking away with it.

Healing from this CSA had been difficult for me, perhaps, because I’ve had so little proof of it. EMDR doesn’t even work for me. I have no memory of ever being inappropriately or forcefully touched nor sexually aroused.

Recently something occurred to me in regards to my non-contact CSA. Since childhood, I’ve been slightly psychic. Unfortunately this info is very fragmented and thus not of much use to me. However, could it be possible that I was picking up bits and pieces of my father’s mental imagery during his CSA of me. Because if I had even occasionally picking up on his mental imagery — this might have been extremely frightening and confusing for me.

My mother once told me that as a small child I always knew where the cookies were hidden. She said, they were always amused by it, as they’d see me pointing towards the hidden cookies, if asking for one. She said, there was no way I could have known.

 

[Friday]

but also pictures of child me and siblings on the toilet, naked, or skimpily dressed, are a blatant, irrefutable reminder of childhood abuse that occurred

There are a bazillion of the same of me, my siblings/cousins, aunts/uncles/mum… with zip zero nada zilch sexual abuse.

Ditto nearly everyone I know, in my own generation IRL, with irritation & vexation attached, but still no abuse. As well as those I know IRL who have been abused.

Does creepy wrong violent shit happen? Abso-f*cking-lutely. But naked is only sexual when perverts & child molesters & abusers are involved.

 

[Rose White]

@spinningmytires we’ve talked a bit previously about our similarities. I had to stop when I read this…

I discovered that he had been cuddling with my bed blankets.

Same thing for me and my dad also masturbated in front of me. My dad napped with my baby blanket for 40 years and when my mom kicked him out—after it came to light what he did—he took it with him. He did much more sexual stuff with me when I was an infant. It’s like some part of him felt closest to infant me and he sort of separated my infant self from the rest of me. Infant me was pure and somehow contained his impulses but I become more corrupted the older I got as I developed a personality—which is probably why he hit me so much, I was unbearable as a living breathing human.

The difference is that I have a clear understanding of how my dad’s mind became poisoned because Grandpa was raping my dad’s sister (same mom different dad, so Lolita kind of thing) throughout their childhoods. So what my dad did to me was like only 10% of what Grandpa did. Still bad, but is nice to be able to explain to myself how he became perverted.

 

[Jade-]

Non- contact sexual abuse, is that an actual term that's used?

As I was being sexually abused by 4 people once in childhood I looked to my left and saw that my dad was watching through a window. He didn't do or say anything, he just watched, which was and is so disturbing to me.

Would that be considered non-contact sexual abuse or what exactly would it be?

 

[spinningmytires]

@spinningmytires we’ve talked a bit previously about our similarities. I had to stop when I read this…

Same thing for me and my dad also masturbated in front of me. My dad napped with my baby blanket for 40 years and when my mom kicked him out—after it came to light what he did—he took it with him. He did much more sexual stuff with me when I was an infant. It’s like some part of him felt closest to infant me and he sort of separated my infant self from the rest of me. Infant me was pure and somehow contained his impulses but I become more corrupted the older I got as I developed a personality—which is probably why he hit me so much, I was unbearable as a living breathing human.

The difference is that I have a clear understanding of how my dad’s mind became poisoned because Grandpa was raping my dad’s sister (same mom different dad, so Lolita kind of thing) throughout their childhoods. So what my dad did to me was like only 10% of what Grandpa did. Still bad, but is nice to be able to explain to myself how he became perverted.

@Rose White You wrote: what my dad did to me was like only 10% of what Grandpa did.

I doubt that CSA damage could be calculated by percentages. And what happened to them in their past doesn't change anything for you nor me. Still we are all emotionally connected in some way. If they were suffering then so were we.

I was in my early 30’s when I first became aware that my father had been secretively taking my bed blanket which was actually a comforter or throw I’d kept draped over my other bed sheets. This behavior I discovered after sleeping at a friend’s house for about a week, serving as their house sitting. Only after my return, had I noticed how quickly this blanket had become soiled — yet I wasn’t using it. And then my father never bathed, not ever.

My father’s behavior certainly wasn’t normal. My first T, a psychiatrist, (who had seen me for 12 years) had told me that my father had developed this behavior early in his life. In other words, this behavior wasn’t a behavior he had consciously chosen for himself.

I think my father had neurological dysfunctions in his brain. His mother experienced uncontrollable fits of emotional rage. My father’s son (my brother) has experiences brief episodes of emotional rage. My brother’s son suffers with bipolar. My father, brother and brother’s son all have a ’normal executive function’ however, this hasn’t been enough to regulate their emotions nor social behavior.

My mother couldn’t regulate her intense emotional states either. I recall seeing my mother cry only twice in her life and when she did, both times I found her crying on the floor in hysterics and gasping for air. The first time was due to muscular weakness caused by a physical illness, when I was about age 8. The second time, I suspect, she had just been thrown on the floor by my brother who was then about age 13 or slightly older. He has always been easily triggered to sudden violence. The family has learned to stay away from him — yet, he believes no one has ever truly loved him, not even his mother. I’ve never had a good relationship with him either and I’ve tried.

My father’s CSA has caused me great suffering and surviving it -- if I have healed from it — doesn’t make this abuse any more excusable. There wasn’t any help offered to me until I was a young adult - not until my parents could no longer be held accountable. My CSA was skillfully hidden from me. Perhaps if my abusers had not possessed a normal executive function I might have noticed their abnormal social behavior. Yet, what they had so skillfully hidden from me, I couldn’t escape.

 

[spinningmytires]

Non- contact sexual abuse, is that an actual term that's used?

As I was being sexually abused by 4 people once in childhood I looked to my left and saw that my dad was watching through a window. He didn't do or say anything, he just watched, which was and is so disturbing to me.

Would that be considered non-contact sexual abuse or what exactly would it be?

I don’t know if there is an official term used to describe this type of non-contact sexual abuse. This is what I've been calling it.

I was never aware that my father’s behavior was sexual abuse, not until I was told it was CSA on another forum about 20 years ago. But in 1991, when my second T had asked me, if I had ever been sexually abused, I answered no. I then mistakeningly assumed that all sexual abuse was forced in some way. In 2001, I again entered therapy where my T thought I had been molested and was yet, not consciously aware of it..

My first T had never described my father’s behavior as being sexual abuse, thus, I thought I had never been sexually abused by anyone. I hadn't considered exposure as being a form of abuse as I wasn't being touches. However, this is abuse! During the mid 1960’s, very little was known about the lasting neurological conditioned resulting from CSA.

Apparently physical molestation and that of non-contact sexual abuse share many similar symptoms. Even my later T, in year 2001, thought I had experienced molestation yet, wasn’t consciously aware of it.

When my father had exposed his erection to me at age 4, I felt extremely frightened by this faceless creature in front of me. I wasn’t aware that this was a sexual turn-on for him. My father’s lack of concern for my safety frightened me more than anything. His complete lack of concern for my safety felt like a betrayal.

My first T, once told me, that my emotional development began to lapse at about age 11. Most young girls seemed excited about entering puberty yet, I dreaded it. This ‘dreaded feeling’ wasn’t something I had willfully wished upon myself either.

 

[Jade-]

@spinningmytires I know that I was sexually abused for sure as a child, many times by many different people and also by my dad throughout my entire childhood.

I was just trying to understand whether the time of him watching was considered non-contact sexual abuse. It's so disturbing to me that he watched through a window, he saw exactly what was going on and did nothing to stop it or protect me. But why would he if he was also abusing me.

IDK, finding a term for it seems like it might make it easier for me to understand it. I didn't know at the time but I was dissociating while I was being sexually abused by 4 people , it all felt so dream like and seeing my dad at the window was just so....I dk a word to describe it besides disturbing.

 

[Rose White]

My father’s lack of concern for my safety frightened me more than anything.

This resonates with me.

entering puberty yet, I dreaded it.

Same

so disturbing to me that he watched

I think the betrayal of a parent/caregiver is a whole other level of tragedy than abuse by people outside the family.