Childhood Non-Contact Sexual Abuse

[amicableDog6980]

The next time I doubt that non-contact sexual abuse is a concept, I hope I remember having to filter through old family photos for child nudity.

Grandma passed away last year. I am going through photos I found in her house to digitize them. There are lots of smiles and happy memories, but also pictures of child me and siblings on the toilet, naked, or skimpily dressed, are a blatant, irrefutable reminder of childhood abuse that occurred.

 

[spinningmytires]

I’ve suffered from non-contact sexual abuse by my father, which I first recalled at age 4. And yet, I doubt that he was sexually aroused when viewing naked children or photos. At social gatherings, I would notice my father repeatedly glancing at attractive young women — yet, he showed no interest in approaching them. Never had I noticed his flirting in anyone, not ever.

I think he actually disliked children, as if they were too noisy, disruptive and unpredictable. He was always telling me to sit still and stop fidgeting — not easy for a child. He didn’t enjoy my company either.

This being said, he would walk back and forth in front of my partly open bedroom door, as I’d be getting dressed for school every morning — as if he were trying to get a peek. I began to notice this behavior during my teens. And yet, I didn’t fully realize why he kept walking past my door. However, when not fully dressed I always stayed behind my closet door where he couldn’t see me.

One day, my younger sister even mentioned our father’s odd behavior. Yet, not until I was age 24, had I become consciously aware that my father was masturbating in front of me and sneaking into my bedroom at night while I slept.

I don’t understand ny father’s past CSA behavior at all. He didn’t appear to even want physical contact with anyone. I discovered that he had been cuddling with my bed blankets. I suspect he might have also wanted to cuddle with my childhood stuffed animal toys. I think this is why my mother disallowed me to have stuffed toys as a child.

Neither of my parents desired physical intimacy with the other. In away, my mother had married her ‘obedient butler’ while, my father had married his ‘controlling mother.’ No passionate love-making there!!

I suspect, my father’s CSA was highly unusual in that he seemed schizoid and extremely aloof with cluster A characteristics. His sexual desires seemed to be entirely fulfilled within his own imagination combined with his self-directed body sensations.

Apparently, he wasn’t sexually aroused by another person’s touch. However, the scent and touch of my previously wore clothing must have been arousing to him, as I once noticed him placing my wore panties in his pocket and walking away with it.

Healing from this CSA had been difficult for me, perhaps, because I’ve had so little proof of it. EMDR doesn’t even work for me. I have no memory of ever being inappropriately or forcefully touched nor sexually aroused.

Recently something occurred to me in regards to my non-contact CSA. Since childhood, I’ve been slightly psychic. Unfortunately this info is very fragmented and thus not of much use to me. However, could it be possible that I was picking up bits and pieces of my father’s mental imagery during his CSA of me. Because if I had even occasionally picking up on his mental imagery — this might have been extremely frightening and confusing for me.

My mother once told me that as a small child I always knew where the cookies were hidden. She said, they were always amused by it, as they’d see me pointing towards the hidden cookies, if asking for one. She said, there was no way I could have known.

 

[Friday]

but also pictures of child me and siblings on the toilet, naked, or skimpily dressed, are a blatant, irrefutable reminder of childhood abuse that occurred

There are a bazillion of the same of me, my siblings/cousins, aunts/uncles/mum… with zip zero nada zilch sexual abuse.

Ditto nearly everyone I know, in my own generation IRL, with irritation & vexation attached, but still no abuse. As well as those I know IRL who have been abused.

Does creepy wrong violent shit happen? Abso-f*cking-lutely. But naked is only sexual when perverts & child molesters & abusers are involved.

 

[Rose White]

@spinningmytires we’ve talked a bit previously about our similarities. I had to stop when I read this…

I discovered that he had been cuddling with my bed blankets.

Same thing for me and my dad also masturbated in front of me. My dad napped with my baby blanket for 40 years and when my mom kicked him out—after it came to light what he did—he took it with him. He did much more sexual stuff with me when I was an infant. It’s like some part of him felt closest to infant me and he sort of separated my infant self from the rest of me. Infant me was pure and somehow contained his impulses but I become more corrupted the older I got as I developed a personality—which is probably why he hit me so much, I was unbearable as a living breathing human.

The difference is that I have a clear understanding of how my dad’s mind became poisoned because Grandpa was raping my dad’s sister (same mom different dad, so Lolita kind of thing) throughout their childhoods. So what my dad did to me was like only 10% of what Grandpa did. Still bad, but is nice to be able to explain to myself how he became perverted.

 

[Jade-]

Non- contact sexual abuse, is that an actual term that's used?

As I was being sexually abused by 4 people once in childhood I looked to my left and saw that my dad was watching through a window. He didn't do or say anything, he just watched, which was and is so disturbing to me.

Would that be considered non-contact sexual abuse or what exactly would it be?

 

[spinningmytires]

@spinningmytires we’ve talked a bit previously about our similarities. I had to stop when I read this…

Same thing for me and my dad also masturbated in front of me. My dad napped with my baby blanket for 40 years and when my mom kicked him out—after it came to light what he did—he took it with him. He did much more sexual stuff with me when I was an infant. It’s like some part of him felt closest to infant me and he sort of separated my infant self from the rest of me. Infant me was pure and somehow contained his impulses but I become more corrupted the older I got as I developed a personality—which is probably why he hit me so much, I was unbearable as a living breathing human.

The difference is that I have a clear understanding of how my dad’s mind became poisoned because Grandpa was raping my dad’s sister (same mom different dad, so Lolita kind of thing) throughout their childhoods. So what my dad did to me was like only 10% of what Grandpa did. Still bad, but is nice to be able to explain to myself how he became perverted.

@Rose White You wrote: what my dad did to me was like only 10% of what Grandpa did.

I doubt that CSA damage could be calculated by percentages. And what happened to them in their past doesn't change anything for you nor me. Still we are all emotionally connected in some way. If they were suffering then so were we.

I was in my early 30’s when I first became aware that my father had been secretively taking my bed blanket which was actually a comforter or throw I’d kept draped over my other bed sheets. This behavior I discovered after sleeping at a friend’s house for about a week, serving as their house sitting. Only after my return, had I noticed how quickly this blanket had become soiled — yet I wasn’t using it. And then my father never bathed, not ever.

My father’s behavior certainly wasn’t normal. My first T, a psychiatrist, (who had seen me for 12 years) had told me that my father had developed this behavior early in his life. In other words, this behavior wasn’t a behavior he had consciously chosen for himself.

I think my father had neurological dysfunctions in his brain. His mother experienced uncontrollable fits of emotional rage. My father’s son (my brother) has experiences brief episodes of emotional rage. My brother’s son suffers with bipolar. My father, brother and brother’s son all have a ’normal executive function’ however, this hasn’t been enough to regulate their emotions nor social behavior.

My mother couldn’t regulate her intense emotional states either. I recall seeing my mother cry only twice in her life and when she did, both times I found her crying on the floor in hysterics and gasping for air. The first time was due to muscular weakness caused by a physical illness, when I was about age 8. The second time, I suspect, she had just been thrown on the floor by my brother who was then about age 13 or slightly older. He has always been easily triggered to sudden violence. The family has learned to stay away from him — yet, he believes no one has ever truly loved him, not even his mother. I’ve never had a good relationship with him either and I’ve tried.

My father’s CSA has caused me great suffering and surviving it -- if I have healed from it — doesn’t make this abuse any more excusable. There wasn’t any help offered to me until I was a young adult - not until my parents could no longer be held accountable. My CSA was skillfully hidden from me. Perhaps if my abusers had not possessed a normal executive function I might have noticed their abnormal social behavior. Yet, what they had so skillfully hidden from me, I couldn’t escape.

 

[spinningmytires]

Non- contact sexual abuse, is that an actual term that's used?

As I was being sexually abused by 4 people once in childhood I looked to my left and saw that my dad was watching through a window. He didn't do or say anything, he just watched, which was and is so disturbing to me.

Would that be considered non-contact sexual abuse or what exactly would it be?

I don’t know if there is an official term used to describe this type of non-contact sexual abuse. This is what I've been calling it.

I was never aware that my father’s behavior was sexual abuse, not until I was told it was CSA on another forum about 20 years ago. But in 1991, when my second T had asked me, if I had ever been sexually abused, I answered no. I then mistakeningly assumed that all sexual abuse was forced in some way. In 2001, I again entered therapy where my T thought I had been molested and was yet, not consciously aware of it..

My first T had never described my father’s behavior as being sexual abuse, thus, I thought I had never been sexually abused by anyone. I hadn't considered exposure as being a form of abuse as I wasn't being touches. However, this is abuse! During the mid 1960’s, very little was known about the lasting neurological conditioned resulting from CSA.

Apparently physical molestation and that of non-contact sexual abuse share many similar symptoms. Even my later T, in year 2001, thought I had experienced molestation yet, wasn’t consciously aware of it.

When my father had exposed his erection to me at age 4, I felt extremely frightened by this faceless creature in front of me. I wasn’t aware that this was a sexual turn-on for him. My father’s lack of concern for my safety frightened me more than anything. His complete lack of concern for my safety felt like a betrayal.

My first T, once told me, that my emotional development began to lapse at about age 11. Most young girls seemed excited about entering puberty yet, I dreaded it. This ‘dreaded feeling’ wasn’t something I had willfully wished upon myself either.

 

[Jade-]

@spinningmytires I know that I was sexually abused for sure as a child, many times by many different people and also by my dad throughout my entire childhood.

I was just trying to understand whether the time of him watching was considered non-contact sexual abuse. It's so disturbing to me that he watched through a window, he saw exactly what was going on and did nothing to stop it or protect me. But why would he if he was also abusing me.

IDK, finding a term for it seems like it might make it easier for me to understand it. I didn't know at the time but I was dissociating while I was being sexually abused by 4 people , it all felt so dream like and seeing my dad at the window was just so....I dk a word to describe it besides disturbing.

 

[Rose White]

My father’s lack of concern for my safety frightened me more than anything.

This resonates with me.

entering puberty yet, I dreaded it.

Same

so disturbing to me that he watched

I think the betrayal of a parent/caregiver is a whole other level of tragedy than abuse by people outside the family.

 

[sidptitala]

There's a lot written here that I really, really relate to. Even though there was nothing 'non-contact' about what happened to me, who my dad is and the way he sees and has treated me- is so similar to what all of you are writing.

I have found pictures in my parents house that disturb me. There is nothing about the images that is abuse in itself- but they speak so much to me of the context they were taken in. It was a moment of total capture (where I am visibly cringing and trying to cover myself). And capture I can never grow out of, because those pictures remained in his possession long after I grew up. I think it's because of this:

He did much more sexual stuff with me when I was an infant. It’s like some part of him felt closest to infant me and he sort of separated my infant self from the rest of me. Infant me was pure and somehow contained his impulses

There is a picture where he is gazing at infant me with this intense stare. I remember being under that stare and I can't stand it now from anyone.

Another where I am naked in a bath with my little sister and my mom is bathing us. I remember the moment it was taken - he appeared and I wanted to disappear all of a sudden. I hunched over and tried to hide my body from him behind my sister's. You can see in the photo how frozen and uncomfortable I am. My sisters age helps me determine my own - I was about 6 or 7. If she wasn't in the photo I would have thought I was much older, just going by memory.

There is another picture of me just out of the shower at around 11 - dressed but bra-less. I'm scowling because I don't want to be photographed in this state.

I took all these photos from my parents house last year. I went looking for pictures of child me - and these are the only ones I found. They are not the only photos taken in my childhood. They are the only photos that were kept. His fond memories are of capturing me - when I was squirming and uncomfortable. I took them and now I have them, but they are so hard to look at.

I also found a piece of homework from when I was 5 among these photos. It's a page where we had to trace the words 'Move away. Say no. Tell'. This feels like something my mom would keep, rather than him. It's her evidence that nothing happened, because I knew better.

but I become more corrupted the older I got as I developed a personality—which is probably why he hit me so much, I was unbearable as a living breathing human

God, absolutely, 100% this. This sentence ^ is the summary of my life experience with him.

He hit me so much any time I didn't behave with the adoration an infant would (which was most of the time). His grievance that I was growing into a separate person was so absolute - it justified squashing me through violence as much as possible to eliminate any trace of that.

When my father had exposed his erection to me at age 4, I felt extremely frightened by this faceless creature in front of me. I wasn’t aware that this was a sexual turn-on for him. My father’s lack of concern for my safety frightened me more than anything. His complete lack of concern for my safety felt like a betrayal.

This is how I reacted too. His sexual abuse was bizarre and frightening. He was hellbent on getting what he wanted from me no matter how much it hurt, and it brought him so much joy to get it.

Even as a child, I could tell he wasn't seeing me as a child. He was seeing me as a doll. A possession that can be discarded, thrown at the wall, that has no feelings. A possession where how you treat it literally does not matter, you can treat it however you want because it's just an object that belongs to you.

 

[Muttly]

I've been around the forums for a long time now and never seen a thread that focuses on this and I'm very grateful for it. I have to head off to work in a moment so don't have much time to reply but I very much relate.

The thing that stays with me the most, is the things my dad said while staring at me. And the smirk on his face. He sexualized me. Like being a kid in gymnastics. Somewhere between 5 and 8 years old, and learning how to do the splits. My dad leering and saying some man was going to like how well I can spread my legs.

And yes, there's a photo of me naked in candlelight. I actually think there is nothing creepy about that photo but looking at it still gives me feelings. He did that. He made my body an object. A sexual object.

 

[Rose White]

His fond memories are of capturing me - when I was squirming and uncomfortable. I took them and now I have them, but they are so hard to look at.

Yeah. I guess average sadist or something. (Sorry my brain is exhausted from a round of triggers yesterday—I’m saying sadist thinking about my own dad.).

When my family fell apart my mom said I could take whatever photos because she was going to throw them all away. My dad loved making anyone uncomfortable in pictures. I saw that he did it a lot to me and my mom the most. My ex husband did that a lot to me too.

He hit me so much any time I didn't behave with the adoration an infant would (which was most of the time). His grievance that I was growing into a separate person was so absolute - it justified squashing me through violence as much as possible to eliminate any trace of that.

This paragraph was deeply moving. Healing and confronting at the same times. Heartbreaking too because I didn’t understand the meaning of my memories of childhood abuse until my kids were half grown.

Before recovery I was locked in cycles of physically hurting my children (no csa thank god). It haunts me. I have apologized to my nearly grown kids multiple times and said it wasn’t their faults. It’s not enough but it’s what I can do.

You know what? Here’s something weird. I think my dad was haunted by what he did to me too. Mostly by the infant csa, not by the hitting or mocking. I think he was haunted, and especially haunted because he couldn’t talk about it. He couldn’t say he was sorry for doing that—because of how memories work. If he said sorry it would be exposing himself and confusing me and frightening my mom and angering some of our extended family. So he was sort of imprisoned by his hauntings.

Idk if my grandpa was haunted by raping my aunt. I didn’t know him well enough to know if he felt remorse but that man seemed so happy and joyful all his life so I doubt it. Which probably also f*cked with my dad a bit. To wonder why his dad never felt bad. But my dad only felt bad in certain rare and confusing moments. And then his anger and confusion and pride would push it away.

My haunting is from spanking my kids when they were babies—for doing baby things! It’s very painful. When I apologize to my kids it’s when they remember something and say something about it. Which means they are remembering from when they were older kids. So it would be confusing and painful for me to say, “Oh yeah, I’m really sorry about that that thing you remembered. But hey also I hurt you when you weren’t even talking yet. That’s called pre-verbal trauma.”

And you know what? I think I did spank my kids because I was confused and angry about them individuating. Because at that time, I myself had not yet individuated from my own dad and mom.

It seems like my dad doing the csa to me when I was a baby was kind of like love. But sexual assault or abuse on children, even when (especially?!) done in a f*cking “gentle loving” way is still a hot bed of anger, aggression, and violence. Because of the non-consensual nature.

So my dad’s anger at me growing up away from infant self, was just the same anger that led him to do the csa when I was tiny. It was all a rejection of me as a possible human. Because he himself was a broken abandoned abused human and he was trying to prop himself up in a very maladaptive way.

And I transferred that anger onto my own children too, but in a more direct way right off the bat. And over time I was horrified by my behavior. And then began the long road to trying to find a better way. So my recovery is forever intertwined with my children. Now whenever I see them (the ones who don’t live with me) there’s a chance for more healing and integration (or challenges and learning!). With the one who lives with me it’s an ongoing cycle of love and letting go and boundaries.

Facing this stuff is so very f*cking hard and exhausting work

the things my dad said while staring at me. And the smirk on his face.

I think it’s the memories of my dad’s face when he was mocking me or hunting me down that linger the most. Even when he was beating me it’s his face I remember. He wanted me gone and I wanted so badly to help that come true for him. So one day I did! That was a relief. And I didn’t have to kill myself to do it. But of course, decades of thinking that was the ideal way took its toll on my mental health.