Non Judgmental Observation

[gtpgurl]

We practice a lot of mindfulness and non judgemental observation in therapy along with thought records, progressive muscle relaxation, breathing techniques, we have don it all. We have been doing it for many years.

I have seen many therapists and many psychiatrists and have had many diagnosis. I finally found onesI that I like they understand me and don't just diagnose me and put me on a bunch of medicine.

I just feel like I've been doing this therapy dance for so long and I don't feel like I've made any progress or gotten any better with anything except the agoraphobia.

For some reason I feel worse about myself now more than ever. And that doesn't make any sense because I'm actually doing better than I have done in a very long time. I am half the size I used to be, I have an awesome little family, and I can actually say the one thing I am really good at is being a mother. But still for some reason I feel like I suck and I am the worst person, I am ugly, fat, disgusting, mentally ill, monster, waste of space, poor excuse for a human being, non contributing member of society mooch off the system.

I have no idea how I will ever be able to look at myself non judgmentally. I can't even look at the stupid wall and think I see a wall. I think that stupid wall is covered in wood paneling I hate wood paneling. :(

 

[katiekat]

Do you think how you feel right now is possibly post-partum depression? Seems there might be a correlation between body image, baby, and feeling worse than ever. Maybe you should address this with your therapist if you haven't yet?

 

[katiekat]

And I also wanted to say congrats on the weight loss! Even after having a baby!! That is amazing work you did :)

 

[gtpgurl]

Of course PPD is always a possibility but I have felt like this pretty much since I left my ex. I am guessing it is worse because of how much I love my current boyfriend and how I feel betrayed by him looking at porn.

 

[gtpgurl]

I have been thinking about your question and I don't think it is PPD. Other areas in my life I am generally happy I am enjoying being a mother and spending time with her and watching her grow. Its just when I think about myself and how I view myself.

 

[The Albatross]

gtpgurl, I can relate to what you shared about the excess skin. My mother halved her weight after the divorce and had that problem, a friend I work with did too. Neither could afford surgical procedures to remedy the difficulty. Both ended up putting their weight back on so as not to have to see it (avoidant maladaptive coping) and both have pretty severe health issues now.

Just do the activity, trust the process, talk about your reactions to your therapist and know that 150 is healthier than 300. My mom has finally figured that out, but she is 74. My friend/cowoker... nope. She is my age.

Is there a way to see the excess skin as a victory instead of a detriment?

 

[Hope4Now]

Maybe you need to use a stern parental-type voice to get the negative talk to quiet down. The kind of voice you would use if your child went running out into the street. It is stern, but comes from love and protectiveness and a desire to keep your child safe. So as soon as you "hear" yourself being negative, use your good mom-voice to say STOP. Then take the negative part of the observation and imagine depositing it into a locked box for a time (you can always revisit it later if you want to).

I have had such trouble quieting my self-berating voices--my therapist has me working on acknowledging and accepting parts of myself with compassion because those mean and negative voices are trying to protect some part of me.

But I am finding it very difficult to show compassion for them. So I have been trying to practice the method I described above. It isn't exactly non-judgmental, but it has worked a few times when my inner self-derision is just screaming.

 

[The Albatross]

Hope is onto something I think, and it needn't be a mom voice but as you are a mom that may be most beneficial. For me it was starting my morning by making some choices and decisions. When the intrusive thinking, critical voice would start up I would sometimes think, sometimes talk to myself saying something like, "Nope, sorry. My decision has been made today, and I'll be making some more decisions tomorrow so shut up and tow the line today. If you have something to talk about, you can talk to me tomorrow morning."

It was taking control back over my own choices and exerting or attempting at first to exert some control over my own thoughts instead of being pelted with a bunch of stuff. It was the beginning of the end of my reactivity to my own internal messaging.

I still have some intrusion, but not at the volume or quality that they were before. It can happen, believe it. Honest.

 

[The Albatross]

Try not to roll too much up in the activity your therapist laid out for you but be sure to share the comment about your boyfriend and the porn thing. Try to recognize that it is typical for brains to bring up more of what it thinks we want. It is clear that the porn thing is uncomfortable for you, and it was for me too with my present spouse when I was ill and overweight (I've lost 50 pounds now).

I'm not saying ignore it, but try to recognize that this thinking does not help you do the activity.