Normal Sibling Rivalry.

[Jen93]

So, I'm dealing with sibling rivalry. I've been dealing with it for quite a long time.

My brother is thirteen, a bully, bossy, emotionally and physically abusive to me. [He kicks me, he'll push me off the couch by kicking me off, once he kicked my head, and once he hit me in the head with a ball. He calls me fat when he knows I have body image issues, and he always says "At least I'm not deaf." as the final word on any fight we have.]

This raises a few issues for me. It goes way beyond sibling rivalry, and my trauma, being caused by bullying- my brother makes it worse. Nobody seems to understand that he is harming me emotionally including my parents, my therapist- they think it's just sibling rivalry.

It's dangerous because he actually brings up my feelings about my trauma, and I get flashbacks a thousand times worse after a fight with him. I've told my parents that I may actually be driven to suicide because of him- but I never seem to get any help whatsoever, and I'm always "The bad guy" because I'm older and I should know better.

Can someone just offer their thoughts. Maybe help me out? I'm tired of my dad threatening my brother and the yelling is awful, and then the next minute my brother is back to his normal annoying self. My parents offer ADHD as an excuse, but I don't think that this is right.

My parents aren't taking me seriously when I tell them to get him out of the house, and I just need some advice on how to handle him.

My trauma is hard enough, but to have to be reminded of it by my brother nearly every day when he is a bully is just too much. And I can't get rid of him. I've taken him to my T. but nobody hears me, and it's dragging me down.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to handle the kid? This seems like abuse- not normal sibling rivalry.

Another note: There are an awful lot of similarities to my trauma and him right now... He's thirteen as I was, he's in a private school, like I was, and the whole bullying aspect and the feelings evoked are mirrored, so that doesn't really help either.

Any help or insight on this would be appreciated.

 

[Saphy]

I absolutely understand what you are going through. Story of my life haha except I'm the younger one. Dynamics aren't much different though. Same results. My brother is extremely intimidating and two-faced. He seems very different with my parents (sucking up, being sweet etc.) but with me he's almost like a monster. He is also very physically/emotionally abusive, violent, full of rage and very very ..... "jealous." I put jealousy in quotes because I can't really believe that my own brother would be jealous. The jealousy is what everyone is calling sibling rivalry but it really has been taken to far, to the point that he's taking advantage of the situation I'm in (as being traumatized and vulnerable). Your trauma is your own personal business. My mom put it best when she stuck up for me recently (took me a really really really really long time to get my parents on my side since my brother was constantly poisoning their minds with me being the "bad guy") and she said in response to him bringing up my trauma:

"Even if my daughter was a prostitute and sold her body every day on the streets, YOU as her brother have NO RIGHT TO BRING IT UP. It is none of your business so don't you ever DARE talk about this again."

Now this seemed pretty effective right? ^ Yeah uhm... didn't work but at least it made me feel better that my parents (at least my mom) can back me up.

Here's what I did and hopefully you'll be able to do the same steps.

1. Endured years of this torture from my brother to the point he became a trigger.
2. Turned 18 and told him that he needs to treat me like an adult.
3. Threatened him after he kept bringing up my trauma that he has no right to treat me this way and as a consequence of his immaturity I will no longer acknowledge his presence or speak to him. (Your parents will NOT like this idea and will keep encouraging you to give in. Explain to your parents that you do not trust him and you are vulnerable and do not want people around you that can hurt you. Also say that when he shows some maturity, then only can I trust him. Otherwise in my eyes, he is unpredictable and immature and those are the type of people I need to stay away from.)
4. Don't speak to him no matter what. Even if he becomes abusive try your hardest not to speak to him or respond to him. After he has finished with his rage, approach your parents and tell them what happened but don't ask them to punish him or anything just say "I'm just letting you know this is what he said and did."
5. When he starts to act out due to his frustration, the amount of times you go tell your parents is going to become more frequent until your brother bursts out in rage. This may even be the worst day of your life. However, if you keep this communication with your parents about your brother's misbehavior without really accepting their feedback or demanding punishment they WILL come to your side.
6. If he gets punished enough naturally you will have more time with your parents. Due to your trauma, it is possible that your parents are also affected and scared. The best thing to do is as soon as possible try not to isolate yourself from your family and just spend time (even if just silence) with a parent (NOT YOUR BROTHER THOUGH, DONT TALK TO HIM HAHA).
7. Your parents will start to see that you are a strong and positive individual who is just young and needs guidance. Then your parents will see you stop seeing you as a bad guy if you start to show yourself to them without your brother's shadow of anger cast on you.
8. Do not fear your brother. If your parents stand up to him once they realize you are an individual they enjoy spending time with, it becomes easier to stand up to yourself. It took me about 7 years to muster up the courage to stand up to my brother so dont worry if it seems hard. Just think it's better to not talk to him that let him use your words against you.
9. Enjoy time with parents individually and ignore him at all costs. Then your parents and you can fix your brother who obviously has some issues with his own anger and insecurities.
10. You won't be the one who's thought to have problems. In fact, your parents will see YOU as the strong "good guy" and him as the misbehaving "brat".

(: Hope that helps. By the way, my brother is 24 and I still rarely talk to him. The more he matures tho, the more I tell him I'll open up to him. And we somehow are fixing our relationship with each other (because when are parents are no longer here, i'm all he'll have). Speaking of which, I've got to get back to my words with friends game with him.

Don't worry Jen, everything will get better but it does take time and a lot of effort coming out of your comfort zone/shell. Just don't push yourself away from your family and think you've lost them. That self-imposed abandonment has led to much more trauma in my life than the actual traumatic events I've been through. <3 ((Jen)) you'll get through this :D

If you need more insight and advice or even moral support, please message me!!

Best of Luck.
-equally misunderstood, Saphy

 

[Jen93]

Yeah, I just figured out that he is a MAJOR trigger when he hits me and calls me names. Thanks for hitting me on the shoulder you dummy. :( Thanks for the advice Saphy, I've been following it since your email, and when he came to me last night and started tracing my face with his finger I cried and ran off.

We hardly speak to each other anyway, but usually the above is what ends up happening when he gets home from school.

 

[Jen93]

Well, it's taken a dramatic shift- my brother's and my relationship since I last wrote on this thread. I've learned through new flashbacks that my trauma actually happened earlier, and he was a witness.

I've developed the feelings towards him that I had then- he was a five year old being emotionally abused and watching his sister take the brunt of the abuser's emotional and physical abuse. I am his protector. I still feel like I am his protector and that he is my darling baby brother. All I have to do is remember that when he irritates me or tries to get me going (like right now... he's playing my keyboard.. he has his own. >.<) and everything inside of me just remembers the clingy little confused child. :inlove:

So that's how it turned from Hate to Love- thank you abuser for reminding me that I am my baby brother's protector and that I love him. (Honestly, the reminder of that trauma could not have come at a better time. I was beginning to think he needed to go to a zoo, or a desert island for a year. :roflmao: )

 

[Eleanor]

Wow, Jen, Hang in there girl. You are awesome!:tup: You might just end up being the catalyst for him getting himself out too.

Sending calm, centering energy your way.

Have you ever thought about taking up Aikido? (random thought)

 

[Jen93]

I don't think he remembers the abuse by our nanny. I fought with her for four months to get her fired. He was only 6.

 

[Eleanor]

It might be helpful to keep in mind that not having explicit memories is not exactly the same thing as "not remembering." He was clearly deeply shaped by the experiences. You might get some insight into his experience by the patterns his acting out takes. Not that it is your job to analyze or "fix" him, but just to give you something else to do that might make it easier not to take it personally. Is he acting out the abuse? And when he is "in" your stuff - does he do that to feel closer to you, because he is scared/nervous and looking to feel safer by being "close" to you? How tuned into your emotions is he?

The nanny thing goes some way to explaining your parents obliviousness - guilt is a powerful force. They just decided they'd rather believe that bad things don't happen to their children - and that if they do, the thing isn't that bad and you guys aren't "really" harmed by it.:speechless: :eek: (gag).

I've been a lot luckier than you in life, but my folks are like this too. :( Denial can be raised to an art form. I'd offer to come beat the crap out of them for you, but it wouldn't do any good.:D In two days they'd just forget it happened and go back to the comfortable path they've carved for themselves. Yes?

I am sorry you are having to grow up in a house of mirrors. It seems like you have a good internal compass, and a talent for telling the truth. It will get better as you get older and can be more independent. It really really will. Hang in there kiddo ...

 

[intothelight]

Wow Jen,

All I want to say is where are your parents and what are they doing to help? I am sorry, but even though you are your little brother's protector, they are still the parents and need to step up to the plate to help diffuse this type of behavior.

Giving excuses for his behavior is not helping him or you. ADHD is a problem and it does involve poor impulse control, but he should be given boundaries and they should be enforced. You should definitely have your parent's support and backing.

In my own personal opinion, I am not so sure that your brother is the main problem, it seems that your parents are and their lack of acting like parents. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I am the mom of four children who have in varying degrees suffered psychological disorders from my ex husbands abuse. I always had the attitude that we were all in this together and healing had to take place for all of us.

Keep pursuing your own course of healing and don't let others stand in your way. Do what you can for your brother, but remember to take care of yourself first.

Deb

 

[catjudo]

My parents aren't taking me seriously when I tell them to get him out of the house

This seems a bit off to me. Your brother is 13. You are 18. Regardless of whether it is just sibling rivalry or there is something more going on...if your home situation is not healthy, you're an adult and have the ability to leave. Your brother is still a minor and your parents have a responsibility to provide for him, not have him removed from the home.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Jen I don't have words of advise except to be strong and stand your ground and to ignore him as much as is humanly possible. Be strong. This is so wrong. It is abusive and you got alot of good tips from everyone. Hang in there and do not give up. He is the one with the problem and he is trying to bully you and getting away with it. I think stand your ground and put an end to it.

He sounds like he is pushing your buttons and getting off on it. He is old enough to know better. The physical abuse is a whole other thing. Somehow you need help to get him to back off and leave you alone. Lots of good advise has already been given.

Not your job to be the protector of the little rat or should I say brat. Be safe.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Jen,

You have a right to feel safe in your home. It's understandable that you are scared, triggered and provoked by your brothers antics. It's not fair for your parents and your T to downplay this issue, especially if it is as serious as you described.

Maybe asking your parents to boot him out was a little over-reaching as it was not actually confronting the main issue, perhaps it confused them. The main issue is your brothers aggressiveness. They need to be asked to protect you from your brothers aggressiveness.

If your problem with your brother seriously escalates or even continues to be a problem for you I would suggest assertively telling your therapist that you want to be taken seriously on this issue. Be firm, give details as to the amount of additional stress this is causing you!

Suggest to your T, that you are seeking solutions, weather it be family counseling or what not. Tell T about your dads yelling which worsens the situation and inevitably has no effect.

Tell your T that your goal is to be free of harassment by your brother so you can roam around in your own home with a feeling of safety and protection without having to retreat to your own room in fear.

Tell your T that you need your parents to recognize the serious impact the aggressiveness is having on your health.

It fears me think that your T would continue to ignore/downplay this issue after you reproach him/her with the facts.

Best of luck to you on this.

 

[Jen93]

Thanks everybody for helping! I was saying it was normal sibling rivalry because sometimes he's awesome- he'll act like the typical thirteen year old hiding up in his room and just acting like "Video games and youtube and chatting with my friends online is more important than family." During those times we only see him for dinner basically. Then Dad yells at him for putting video games and the computer ahead of his family. (It kind of makes Dad feel sad because he's no longer in the "Kid phase"- We're growing up and nobody's ready for that. ;) ) And then other times he'll act like I described in post number one- HOWEVER those are getting more spaced out, just because I've learned the new trauma, and putting myself back into that "He's only a baby" mindset really helps me to appreciate him and not get angry at him.

@ Eleanor- I'm not sure if he's acting out the abuse, he's just aggressive sometimes. He was like this before the second nanny came, and when the second nanny came he got all passive and clingy to her. (Why the clinginess to someone who was verbally and physically abusive I'll never know.) He seems to have sort of 'bounced back' but his aggressiveness has heightened since she left. I was thinking that maybe for my new counsellor we should have a "family meeting" sort of to discuss it all- with the therapist he was very sweet- he has his moments. :inlove: He said "Anyone who did this to her is bad." when I discussed my fear that he could be bullied at his new school, and being scared that he'd be stuck in a position where a friend tries to commit suicide. (When I say trigger- I mean trigger- sometimes it's just the "What-ifs" that trigger me.)

@ITL- My parents are where they always are- under a rock. They're not abusive or anything- but they're workaholics. They also say that I'm "obsessive" because I repeat things a lot- (started happening with the arrival of Nanny # 2- basically they think I'm just saying things over and over like a broken record and giving them a headache- but it's really because they don't listen or take me seriously.) They're a little confused by the whole PTSD thing-in denial. I think that it's because they just don't want to come to terms with the fact that they could have lessened it if they had just listened to me and taken me seriously at first- they don't want to say "Wait- we could have minimized her pain- we failed our jobs as parents." So they're just shutting me up when I talk about my nanny- they don't know that it's part of the PTSD, but they think I'm "obsessing". They tell me to "just ignore him" and I'm doing that. When it DOES get as bad as the head kicking thing situation though, Mom really yelled at him. So I have support when it's that bad- but if it's just "Mom he took the remote!" or "Mom! He's playing my keyboard- he has his own!" the "just ignore him" thing comes into play.

@catjudo- Yeah, I just say that in a desperate way, they know that it's basically like a stupid solution.

@gizmo- He is pushing my buttons, and getting off on it- I think that part may come from the abuse we endured by our nanny- because when he was aggressive prior to the nanny- it was mostly defence at school.

@FlyingSolo- I'm no longer going to be seeing that T (long story). I'm seeing an intake counsellor on the first, and hopefully she can help with the family situation thing. I was thinking that we'd have a few sessions with the new counsellor for the new flashbacks- since it was a family situation, but the scheduling might be weird- just because my parents are workaholics.

Thanks everybody for the help!