SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I'm having a spiraling kind of week and the more I try to get a hang of it, the worse it gets. Last summer, I was bordering on suicidal. I eventually pulled myself out of it, but with my broken self-confidence, having work suffered a lot. Every month since then has been a struggle, but I've also been learning to cope. Somehow I've been getting through.
After being paralyzed at applying for jobs and clients for the longest time(I had just enough clients to survive...barely- only last year though, before that I was doing good for years), I finally broke through that fear. There were missteps and mistakes and a learning curve, and interviews I totally messed up.
Finally, I got something. Not enough, but it's a start. But it's been so long and I haven't had a job for this long and it seems my confidence is still down and under. I was happy for a moment and now I'm spiraling again. I've worked on one project 3 times slower than I should have, but finally somehow finished it. Another project, I keep starting, doing some work and feeling so unsure about it I delete the whole file. I want to kick myself into gear somehow, like, I don't care if you have anxiety or panic attacks, get it together because you making a living depends on this...aaaaand I somehow make it worse.I know how this sounds, like I'm over-reacting and I should get it together. But the more I've tried this week the worse it got, panic and anxiety and feeling nauseous and headaches, and dissosiating because I can't begin. I can't even explain why I'm this freaked out and afraid. I'm just hoping for something. That someone will write something on here that will resonate and will help. Or that me writing this will snap me out of it. I know it's panic and it's catastrophizing, but knowing hasn't stopped my body's reaction to it. I hope writing it out helps in some way.
After being paralyzed at applying for jobs and clients for the longest time(I had just enough clients to survive...barely- only last year though, before that I was doing good for years), I finally broke through that fear. There were missteps and mistakes and a learning curve, and interviews I totally messed up.
Finally, I got something. Not enough, but it's a start. But it's been so long and I haven't had a job for this long and it seems my confidence is still down and under. I was happy for a moment and now I'm spiraling again. I've worked on one project 3 times slower than I should have, but finally somehow finished it. Another project, I keep starting, doing some work and feeling so unsure about it I delete the whole file. I want to kick myself into gear somehow, like, I don't care if you have anxiety or panic attacks, get it together because you making a living depends on this...aaaaand I somehow make it worse.I know how this sounds, like I'm over-reacting and I should get it together. But the more I've tried this week the worse it got, panic and anxiety and feeling nauseous and headaches, and dissosiating because I can't begin. I can't even explain why I'm this freaked out and afraid. I'm just hoping for something. That someone will write something on here that will resonate and will help. Or that me writing this will snap me out of it. I know it's panic and it's catastrophizing, but knowing hasn't stopped my body's reaction to it. I hope writing it out helps in some way.
