UnKnown-Self
Diamond Member
I am so overwhelmed. Things just keep falling apart. I am scheduled to return to work 1/24/16 and I'm scared. The current management and I do not have a good history. It did not help that I was incapable of acting rationally to situations so instead of getting anything resolved, I just made matters worse.
I now know it was my PTSD but the damage is done. I did realize at one point I was being triggered when nightmares I hadn't had in 20 years returned. I tried to explain but it seemed to just give them ammunition. I felt like a wounded tiger in a cage being jabbed and that went on for over a year before my husband passed away.
I just saw my pay deposit and it is severely lower than it should be. Meaning I ran out of leave and no one bothered to call or email me to let me know.
I know they think I am just trying to work the system. I know they enjoyed the opportunity to send me a f*ck You and Happy New Year by not letting me know. I know I should have known and been on top of the situation. However My ability to be on top of situations has not been my strong point lately. That unfortunate fact is keeping me in a state of anxiety. The mess from my husband's estate and the crazy rage that erupts whenever I try to focus on it. My change in therapist and that being a bust so I need a new one. The realization I do have dissociation to the point of KNOWING I have an unknown assembly of parts. Trying to get help without going into the hospital and no one believing me. I went into total denial before but that's no longer an option. I have "met" a couple of the children this time around through letting my writing flow and awareness of ..... Communications. I don't have any other way to explain it. I can't just turn away from them, I have felt them too strongly and it would be too much of a betrayal. I won't give up my job. I will look for a new one eventually but now is not the time. It's a federal job and shutting that door is not an option. I cannot afford to live on disability and the thought of losing what I worked so hard for.... It is not on my "I can survive this" list.
I'm being bombarded with too many undeserving messages and I am all alone at the party in my head as well as no real life support. My birth children have their own struggles and besides, I am all too aware how moms current trip down the rabbit hole and wanderings in Wonderland is all too familiar from their childhood and triggering them.
I know I am the only one who can do what needs to be done. Staying out of the hospital, keeping the job, getting the estate done and off my plate, finding the right mental health help. Part of healing is being responsible for myself and doing what all that means. That IS the work of being strong and surviving.
"Walk the talk Alice and Assembly" says I to me.
*sighs*
Well, time to jump in the shower, get dressed, walk Eddie and then make some calls. Start doing what I need to do.
Thanks for listening
I now know it was my PTSD but the damage is done. I did realize at one point I was being triggered when nightmares I hadn't had in 20 years returned. I tried to explain but it seemed to just give them ammunition. I felt like a wounded tiger in a cage being jabbed and that went on for over a year before my husband passed away.
I just saw my pay deposit and it is severely lower than it should be. Meaning I ran out of leave and no one bothered to call or email me to let me know.
I know they think I am just trying to work the system. I know they enjoyed the opportunity to send me a f*ck You and Happy New Year by not letting me know. I know I should have known and been on top of the situation. However My ability to be on top of situations has not been my strong point lately. That unfortunate fact is keeping me in a state of anxiety. The mess from my husband's estate and the crazy rage that erupts whenever I try to focus on it. My change in therapist and that being a bust so I need a new one. The realization I do have dissociation to the point of KNOWING I have an unknown assembly of parts. Trying to get help without going into the hospital and no one believing me. I went into total denial before but that's no longer an option. I have "met" a couple of the children this time around through letting my writing flow and awareness of ..... Communications. I don't have any other way to explain it. I can't just turn away from them, I have felt them too strongly and it would be too much of a betrayal. I won't give up my job. I will look for a new one eventually but now is not the time. It's a federal job and shutting that door is not an option. I cannot afford to live on disability and the thought of losing what I worked so hard for.... It is not on my "I can survive this" list.
I'm being bombarded with too many undeserving messages and I am all alone at the party in my head as well as no real life support. My birth children have their own struggles and besides, I am all too aware how moms current trip down the rabbit hole and wanderings in Wonderland is all too familiar from their childhood and triggering them.
I know I am the only one who can do what needs to be done. Staying out of the hospital, keeping the job, getting the estate done and off my plate, finding the right mental health help. Part of healing is being responsible for myself and doing what all that means. That IS the work of being strong and surviving.
"Walk the talk Alice and Assembly" says I to me.
*sighs*
Well, time to jump in the shower, get dressed, walk Eddie and then make some calls. Start doing what I need to do.
Thanks for listening
