Not In The Right Mind?

[Megan]

From the 5th grade till last September, I had a vivid imagination where I would pretend to be someone else to escape my reality of being bullied in school. I didn't like anybody in school because they were always not nice. So anyway, but these days I have been doing that again but not in the same latitude. It seems more real. I do try to stop but there's nothing for me to think about because I don't have any friends, can't seem myself having conversations l like I could in the past. But now it's not only from what is on tv but also in my life. (but i won't get into that.)

When i was in college during the incident I got to read the school's reports that were against me - what the roommate had said. And that she stated that a police had told her that I was a violent schizophrenic. He diagnosed me w/o knowing me or having a PH.D. So I highly doubted that. But at the time I didn't know what a schizophrenic was (i was so Nieve). My mom said I wasn't but I started to believe back then because I knew imagining to be someone else (only in my mind) was not normal. I would never act anything out because I was me I knew who I was. But now I just don't know any more. I recently went back on Cymbalta (actually this morning).

I think it's partly the depression because i can only think of the past. I went down to my grandparents house last week (haven't been there since my grandfather died in 2009) it made me really sad to be there because I vividly remember the happy holidays we had there. It was like something you see in the movies Such as "You Got Mail" where Meg Ryan was closing the door to her book store one last time and saw her and her mom twirling. It was like that for me at my grandma's house excpet i knew i couldn't see anybody but it was that easy to picture. It made me really sad to the point where i started balling my eyes out at McDonalds

Can somebody help?? (This was really HARD for me to put out there. So please don't judge)
Am i really going insane?

 

[Cindy532]

No, I don't think your crazy. I think PTSD can do a lot of things. Does acting count? That's what I do. Then it's perfectly acceptable to be somebody else. =) Maybe you could try acting? But I don't know if that would just make things worse. What I do do is carry on imaginary conversations and write letters in my head to someone and fantasize about seeing them and it's really getting annoying to be honest with you. I have to stop my brain and go, you are just hiding behind him and living in fantasy because you don't want to deal with what's going in your life now. With you too, it sounds like an escape, the way it is with me because life is difficult for us right now. I think dealing with trauma is tough.

 

[Megan]

i know! i want to get back into that place... i'm scared of the world literally. i'm scared of life. i already can see my parents toom stones which scares me. I have no friends...literally to hang out and support me. :( I feel like i don't have a brain because it's like numb and I don't think about anything. I can't even have a normal conversation w/ anybody any more. I was able to hold conversations but I was shy but I did manage to talk. I am 25 years old and starting to doubt that i won't have a life. I feel like i'm struggling w/ life in general.

 

[Cindy532]

Oh Megan, I'm so sorry you're going through this! Unfortunately I can relate to everything you're saying. I've been scared of life for a very long time (since I went through a life threatining experience when I was 16) and closing myself to it, trying to be safe. I even subconciously left a man I loved because I got scared, because I cared so much it hurt and I was afraid to lose him and I didn't want to feel it. I didn't want to feel vulnerable again because I had been completely powerless and vulnerable and afraid for my life and it was the worst feeling and I didn't want to feel it again. Heck, I just wanted to pretend I hadn't gone through it in the first place. So I shut down and blocked the both of us out, and married someone for safety. Oh brother. I still kept getting hurt. It's sick how many times I was victimized in my life because I didn't deal with the first one. I didn't even know I had PTSD for years and years and it just went undiagnosed. Now i'm 32 and I look back on my life and it hurts that I would have even done that stuff subconciously. I didn't take risks in life, I didn't feel, I didn't live, and I have no idea how to to be honest because i've spent so many years coping. And yes my brain is numb and is not capable of logical thought. Which is just funny to me, because you'd think if it didn't have to do so much mental gymnastics to protect itself by hiding memories that it would be able to think more clearly, but it is the opposite. Maybe cuz my brain is so exhausted from coping with the trauma for so long. I'm hoping it's not going to stay like this! I too am just struggling with life and school and my marriage and everything else. I just feel so anxious if I think about making any kind of decision for my life and I need to. I can't keep pretending with myself. And oh, a big part of me thinks like I have all along since that crap happened to me that I just want to be safe, that if I could just be safe I would be okay, and I want to literally close myself off to life so I don't have to deal like joining a convent or something. Oh dear. I have three kids I can't just run away like I did with that man from the past. I need a friend too. If we lived near eachother, I'd totally hang out with you.

 

[Megan]

I just got back from a week vacation at WDW and it was okay. It was hard getting out of the hotel room in the morning due to the blank mind and no interest. But once I got going and doing things I was able to sort of enjoy myself. But i had moments where I got upset because the smallest things annoy the bajesus out of me. My mom understands me and doesn't get upset. I saw people with babies and little kids and wish how much i wish I could some day have children. But at time in my life I don't know. I was saying perhaps when i'm 30 and things don't go the way to meet a guy (if i ever decided to open up to a complete stranger) I will somehow have a kid but most days I think i'm uncapable of rasiing a kid if i can't really take care of myself. :(.

Complete strangers don't feel like "strangers" it feels like i know them. It's like weird feeling because you just look at someone you don't know but they don't feel like a stranger to you. :(.

I just feel like i'm behind. I saw where my cousin's were at, at my age and I don't feel the same way. I still feel like i'm 15. :(. I guess in some ways that is a goody thing? I just can't see a future for myself.