Not One Of Those Nights...

[BigBG]

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like flying off the handle at the drop of a hat?

Since I introduced myself on this site, well honestly it was before, my PTSD has taken a sharp right turn and I am starting to spiral a bit. It's 0827 hours in CA and I'm 3 glasses deep on whiskey?! Wtf is that shit?

I am starting to go back to obsessive thoughts and it feels like a broken record in my head over and over and over. Has anyone else experienced this? I don't WANT to go back on meds. They ended my marriage...well I guess I did that by being "different than the man I married." So much for death do us part huh? Haha.

I saw someone is going through an isolation phase, which is a safety net for me too. I crank the music, drink, and stay inside.

And yet I can sit here and rationalize that NO amount of booze, pills, whatever will bring my friend back. None. Nothing erases the memory. And I know this and openly admit it. So why continued crazy and destructive behavior?

As I mentioned in my last thread, I was mentally prepared to kill. If you aren't, you fall into traps. Better him than me. And that happened many times. But who PREPARES to assume they will literally watch the moment a friend catches a red rain headshot right in front of me? Can you? The VA said yes. I call bullshit on those poags

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Isolation is something I've done for awhile. Idk if it helped always being grounded and restricted to my room as a kid.
But the booze only compounds all that shit. I'm sorry to hear about your friend man, I don't think anybody can be prepared to
witness that. I prefer the green leaf over alcohol. Just because it seems to equal less trouble for me personally. Whiskey = fighting.

PTSD can make us beat the shit out of ourselves. Just by sitting here. The med's... I hear you I stopped and have tried different kinds, but now I'm back on because I didn't know if I was going to make it another 3 days to be honest. I was fed up.
In the end its about finding a comfortable medium for you I suppose you could say.

You are correct nothing will erase that memory. So when it comes up try to change the direction it spirals you into. Instead of saying lets open up this bottle and drink for the fallen, after you feel you have mourned enough. I try and say, "Well I have to live life more, for those who cannot." Which usually causes me to feel a sense of hurry up and do nothing. So then I have to work on breathing techniques to be able to relax and realize... I don't really have all that much to do. Because it's about baby steps. Small victory's each day.

I'm barely on the phase again of taking meds to ease the edges a bit as I try to re-direct my thought process, if that makes any sense.
If there wasn't that I'd be using alcohol to smooth those edges. And risk ending up in trouble.

 

[Spock]

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like flying off the handle at the drop of a hat?

That's a major part of the beast we call PTSD, it's an instant on or spin-up reaction of the lizard brain, survival instinct that got amped up from combat & combat trauma. Part of therapy is learning a variety of different coping tools you can call on to help you with different triggers or situations that trigger you into that instant flame stage.

It's also a sign, much like recurring nightmares, hyper-vigilance, etc...that you have a valid combat trauma wound so you can quit being in denial and downplaying it as a "not worthy" combat wound.

For example, think of "instant rage" in relation to road rage. Many people have some road rage issues before combat but you would ramp-up or respond in a more predictable pace of anger or anxiety. After combat trauma, with PTSD, the reaction is instantaneous, no more ramp-up, you just go into full-on fury and then it takes awhile, hours to days, and lots of coping & distraction to wind back down. And that is just one basic example of something that occurs time and again in numerous situations.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

BigBG,

You were trained for combat, and combat reinforced that training. That's why killing became so natural and why you were able to keep fightning when your friend went down. The more action you see the more you adapt to your surroundings. I'll quote a line from a movie, one I've used many time bacause it fits so well. "With every man I kill I get a little farther away from home".

The transformation to a warrior was relatively quick, and competely natural because your primal side is so powerful. The transition back is not quick or natural. That's why it's so much harder. You are going to have many set back. Don't beat yourself up over them. Much of the time you won't find a reason to keep trying. Keep trying anyway.

Here's a place to start. Tell yourself at days end. "I didn't kill anyone today. I could have. I'm very good at it. There were times I wanted to. BUT, I DIDN'T"! That's a victory, one of the baby steps.

If you made it through a day at work, or stayed sober, or looked at a sunset, or posted here, or................................, then you had victories, baby steps you can build on. EACH ONE COUNTS. EACH MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

SD

 

[Barberian]

There are times I avoid coming here because it's like waving a red flag at a bull. I know I'm in a bad place mentally, so why stir the pot when I'm not ready for it? When I regain my "balance" and mental strength I come back.

 

[BigBG]

SD,

That is very well put and I agree. Easier said than done but I am taking these things slowly.

2 tours and the second was almost 3 years ago and still coping. Guess I'm in for a long haul like everyone else! Thanks guys

 

[19K30]

I honestly don't think your feelings about your friend will ever go away just put one foot in front of the other and try to wake up on the positive side of the bed. They always said that there ain't no discharge on the ground so keep your head up soldier and drive on and show the world that you can't break a rock. I to lost some friends but I no that they would have wanted me to still keep living and always remember them and show respect.

 

[holdenmonty]

It's a daily struggle. Yesterday/last night I was thinking about calling my friend to hold onto my Glock 19 for a while. I wasn't thinking about killing myself or anything but was thinking it might be better if it was at my friends house instead of at mine.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

It's a daily struggle. Yesterday/last night I was thinking about calling my friend to hold onto my Glock 19 for a while. I wasn't thinking about killing myself or anything but was thinking it might be better if it was at my friends house instead of at mine.

Holden make sure you get that Glock to an older friend preferably who has a safe and a house etc. I didn't want a handgun I had in the armory so I left it at a buddies house... after deployment... Yea... he threatened to off himself over a dispute with his wife with my gun and it was a huge f*cking scare/ close call. Not a bad idea though to let somebody hang onto the Glock while you work through some things ya know?

Hell when I broke up with my ex and she was in the process of moving outa my apartment. Her grandpa came over asked for the bolt from my rifle, cylinders for my revolvers. I was like really...he just needed to sleep better at night. Wasn't that big of a deal. I don't even own those firearms anymore anyhow.

 

[holdenmonty]

That's a good idea I might ask my pastor instead since he has a gun safe and is older and much wiser than my friend. It's been many months since I have even handled it especially with the meds I'm on because I'm not suppose to handle a weapon for 6 months after they start me on the meds and it would be a good idea for me to not handle my personal weapon.

 

[atilla]

I've done the same thing Holdenmonty, not suicidal, but, I thought it would be safer for others If I wasn't armed. Just in case of a really bad day. You can always get it back when you're ready.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Deep respect for all those that understand when to take safety measures.