EvenStrongerNow
Diamond Member
First, I want to explain what happened and then I'll get to my question regarding a possible flashback. Or maybe it was just a stressor, or a trigger. I can't decide.
Last night, hubbs and I kept butting heads on stuff. Nothing serious. Just on a couple of things like wanting to be right. I'm not really sure who wanted to be right, me or him.
One of the conflicts was about whether or not declawing a cat was a humane thing to do (I don't want to declaw the cat and he does), the other was about the order in which something happened (I remember it one way, he remembers it the other way), and the other thing was which special ops forces training was the hardest (I was trying to tell him it was the para jumpers and he was arguing that the seals team was the most vigorous)
I shut both things down though because it wasn't worth it to me to have an argument. There is a pattern that I see in our small conflicts. He says he feels like he isn't being heard or understood for his point. It's hard for me because I am listening to him and I do understand him, yet he thinks that I don't. Also, when I'm trying to shut it down so we don't fight, he says he feels made fun of or is seen as stupid because of the tone I use.
When I see a pointless fight coming, I make a hand gesture to signal let's calm down and stop, with a smile (more like a nervous laugh) because I can see when things are going to get out of hand if one of us doesn't put a stop to it. We are both very smart, very passionate, and very sensitive.
At first I didn't see it and asked my hubbs if someone in his past mocked him or something in his past during arguments. I also asked him if someone ridiculed him for being forgetful because I noticed he also said as part of the 'being made fun of' that I was treating him as if he was being forgetful in his own perception of how the conflict got started, which I never said. (Also, the way he described he demonstrated my tone was not my tone at all and had the exact resemblance of tones of voice he has used to describe how his abusive ex treated him.)
He denied anyone ever doing that to him. Then, I asked him if being seen as intelligent is important to him or if anyone has ever made him feel stupid in his past because I thought maybe there was something in my tone that reminded him and caused him to feel that way. He denied this too. (I asked him this because the way he described my tone in this case resembled the way I hear his mother speak to him sometimes about his forgetfulness, but I did not say this to him)
I reassured him that my reason for trying to analyze was not because I was trying to place blame for the conflict somewhere nor was I trying to deny the way he felt. I was more trying to understand all possible angles because he had said some things that he "heard me say" that I didn't actually say. I say what I mean so when someone hears something differently, I take that as a clue that there may be something more going on. But, I am also open to the possibility that it could've been my tone which caused that as well.
At this moment, I could not tell where I went. I feel like I went somewhere right in the middle of our conversation. With my ex, the Sociopath, everything was a competition to him (he was always right) and he would deny things on purpose to do his crazy making. He would literally drag out our conflicts on and on even though I was over here doing all the work to try and come up with the solution.
I realized I had exited the conversation in my body yet I still was able to smooth over the conflict my hubby and I were having. I decided to just apologize, but I'm pretty sure it was because I was feeling fear. I started having a flooding of thoughts. Things like, "Oh no. What if I'm with another personality disorder and I'm being duped again!?" Of course, that is a highly irrational thought, but it was pounding hard on my head.
Everything, from that point on, just seemed to be automatic. Inside my head I was being flooded with thoughts and emotions. On the outside, I was on auto pilot. It felt like I was being triggered by my husband, one after another, for the rest of the night. I couldn't stop it. I just became moodier and moodier and moodier on the outside. However, I was able to not allow it to rule if that makes sense?
Does this make sense to anyone? Can you help me figure out what happened? I feel like I couldn't feel any loving feelings toward him the whole evening. I hate it when that happens because I don't feel that way about him at all when I am stable. I love my husband very much.
Last night, hubbs and I kept butting heads on stuff. Nothing serious. Just on a couple of things like wanting to be right. I'm not really sure who wanted to be right, me or him.
One of the conflicts was about whether or not declawing a cat was a humane thing to do (I don't want to declaw the cat and he does), the other was about the order in which something happened (I remember it one way, he remembers it the other way), and the other thing was which special ops forces training was the hardest (I was trying to tell him it was the para jumpers and he was arguing that the seals team was the most vigorous)
I shut both things down though because it wasn't worth it to me to have an argument. There is a pattern that I see in our small conflicts. He says he feels like he isn't being heard or understood for his point. It's hard for me because I am listening to him and I do understand him, yet he thinks that I don't. Also, when I'm trying to shut it down so we don't fight, he says he feels made fun of or is seen as stupid because of the tone I use.
When I see a pointless fight coming, I make a hand gesture to signal let's calm down and stop, with a smile (more like a nervous laugh) because I can see when things are going to get out of hand if one of us doesn't put a stop to it. We are both very smart, very passionate, and very sensitive.
At first I didn't see it and asked my hubbs if someone in his past mocked him or something in his past during arguments. I also asked him if someone ridiculed him for being forgetful because I noticed he also said as part of the 'being made fun of' that I was treating him as if he was being forgetful in his own perception of how the conflict got started, which I never said. (Also, the way he described he demonstrated my tone was not my tone at all and had the exact resemblance of tones of voice he has used to describe how his abusive ex treated him.)
He denied anyone ever doing that to him. Then, I asked him if being seen as intelligent is important to him or if anyone has ever made him feel stupid in his past because I thought maybe there was something in my tone that reminded him and caused him to feel that way. He denied this too. (I asked him this because the way he described my tone in this case resembled the way I hear his mother speak to him sometimes about his forgetfulness, but I did not say this to him)
I reassured him that my reason for trying to analyze was not because I was trying to place blame for the conflict somewhere nor was I trying to deny the way he felt. I was more trying to understand all possible angles because he had said some things that he "heard me say" that I didn't actually say. I say what I mean so when someone hears something differently, I take that as a clue that there may be something more going on. But, I am also open to the possibility that it could've been my tone which caused that as well.
At this moment, I could not tell where I went. I feel like I went somewhere right in the middle of our conversation. With my ex, the Sociopath, everything was a competition to him (he was always right) and he would deny things on purpose to do his crazy making. He would literally drag out our conflicts on and on even though I was over here doing all the work to try and come up with the solution.
I realized I had exited the conversation in my body yet I still was able to smooth over the conflict my hubby and I were having. I decided to just apologize, but I'm pretty sure it was because I was feeling fear. I started having a flooding of thoughts. Things like, "Oh no. What if I'm with another personality disorder and I'm being duped again!?" Of course, that is a highly irrational thought, but it was pounding hard on my head.
Everything, from that point on, just seemed to be automatic. Inside my head I was being flooded with thoughts and emotions. On the outside, I was on auto pilot. It felt like I was being triggered by my husband, one after another, for the rest of the night. I couldn't stop it. I just became moodier and moodier and moodier on the outside. However, I was able to not allow it to rule if that makes sense?
Does this make sense to anyone? Can you help me figure out what happened? I feel like I couldn't feel any loving feelings toward him the whole evening. I hate it when that happens because I don't feel that way about him at all when I am stable. I love my husband very much.
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