Not Successful, But Grateful

[Grama-Herc]

I have always been scared and anxious because I have no clue what caused my PTSD. I have always resented people who remember their childhood---hell their life. Since I've had a total void in my memory of my life, I have always been terrified of exactly what kind of "monsters are under my bed"

While reading another members diary, I was suddenly hit with the concept of how lucky I actually am. Lucky? Yes lucky. I don't have any horrible memories of my trauma. I don't have any issues to deal with in order to exist.

YES, I have all of the negative symptoms of PTSD and have to deal with those on a daily basis, BUT , I don't have to deal with the trauma while trying to deal with the symptoms like most everyone here. How could I not see this before? I am lucky!

Maybe lucky is a poor choice of words. Maybe I should I say Grateful instead? But whatever words best describes how I feel, let it be known that I am aware how blessed I am to not have the trauma to deal with.


I am amazed at the weight I feel has been lifted off my shoulders. Guess I am now going to have to find something else to worry and obsess about.

So, while I am not very successful at dealing with the symptoms of this PTSD< I am grateful for the memory los

 

[Deleted member 541]

While most of what you said is true....The biggest fault with it is this.....The ONLY way to get to the maintenance phase of PTSD (almost free of symptoms) is to DEAL with the TRAUMA!!!!

You don't have the memories of your trauma ( I also have huge voids in my life too) therefore you can't face them, deal with them and heal. You are stuck with your symptoms.

I have dealt with the memories that I do have, and have done quite a bit of healing. Hopefully I will remember more and will deal with it then.

I truly do hope that someday you will too.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am full of so many mixed emotions about remembering whatever it is I forgot.

I know that to heal I need the memory, but when I see the pain and sorrow caused by the memories I think why bother. Why cause intentional pain? I am creeping along in life fairly OK! Got a few issues, but is it better than going through a trauma to rid myself of them? I have mixed feeling about that.

This is the most honest I've been with myself in a very long time. It has left me searching for words. Imagine that, Grama Herc at a loss for words HA! I made another funny! But it is a true feeling. An honest emotion. I try not to do emotion. I've discovered that emotions can get you into hot water.

 

[Deleted member 541]

OK Herc,

You say that you avoid emotions, and don't know why you should face your trauma....So tell me. You have agoraphobia, anxiety, OCD, no relationships, no friendships, no job, and can't go anywhere do to the crippling panic that you have. Correct????

So is this what you call living????? Come on Herc you deserve to be able to do the things in life that other people do. Shit I was where you are, but I REFUSED to let myself stay there. I fought it with everything that I had, and finally won. Others have too, and so can you.....BUT!!!!! YOU have to NEED to be free real bad to get there.....

 

[Grama-Herc]

Oh How I hate it when you are right! hehehehehehehehe

Yes, I do deserve more out of life. I just do not know how. I have never learn how to develope friendships, let alone keep them alive. I can't handle anyone getting to close to me. There are so many things I can't handle. I hesitate to say the next statement but I will---I am an emotion cripple. I do not know how to care. Never have known. Just ask my daughter. I am just thankful she is going to forgive me for her childhood.

To put it bluntly and to the point-----I just don't like people! They are selfish, rude, pushy, cruel, crude, demanding, untrustworthy, expect w-a-y to much out of me and generally nasty. There, I said it.

I've wanted to say that for a long time, but felt it rude. But what the hell, that is what is inside

 

[Deleted member 541]

Ok so people can be all that you said. I agree, but only to a point. Not all people are like that. And I wonder if it's because you fail to have healthy boundaries in place, and don't know how to effectively implement them.

People will take advantage of us IF we ALLOW them to. We can only be hurt if we don't have boundaries in place.

Personally I think that you don't ALLOW yourself to feel, that way you can't be hurt if you don't let anyone in.....Why do I think this??? I used to do the same thing. I am learning not to do this....You can too....I have great faith in you Herc, because you show so much compassion for people here...

 

[Grama-Herc]

Well Now! Found this thread today while searching for some answers. What a way to start the day.

Forgot that I was actually grateful for any part of this phase of my PTSD life.

I am so stuck in the negative aspect of my PTSD these days I don't see anything positive or any reason to "push" forward.

It is like I have given up on this *condition*. I have it! It is not going anywhere. I can't fix it. Why bother!

I need to go back and find that person who was grateful for a blank memory. But then that just leaves me stuck in this emotional void I seem to be in.

I don't know, I am so confused right now. That's why I went looking at my old writings. Don't really know what I expected to find!

 

[TLight]

Grama-Herc;
First of all, let me say I can totally understand why you don't have the memories and dont want them. I don't have many of mine and my therapist says I don't have too in order to heal.

I'm confused by all this too. I'm in CBT and she is mostly helping me deal with life and people, and we are doing some EMDR on the horrific memories I do have. But I don't know if you really need to have the memories.

Here's what I know from the nightmares, his psychotic ways, the things he 'hinted' at, how I had a nervous breakdown when my hips changed,how I've always wanted to stay boyish looking, how I'm triggered when any man hits on me, how I"m completely triggerd by bullying and intimidating men..........enough said........why do I need the specifics.

But what they do tell me is that I need to have the emotions...........I'm having emotions, I'm sick of the emotions......am I getting better? WEll, I have agoriphobia, social situations I could do without, would prefer the life of a hermit.............but for some reason, I keep fighting to have a 'normal' daily life. I keep going out, keep talking to people, keep interacting........can't work right now.........but the workplace is a very hostile place and one more ounce of pressure on me and I might die or hurt someone...........

So, I don't think we have to remember...........I don't know. Whatever..........all I know for sure is that most people suck.........but I'm in a bad place today, so just ignore that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

You work with what you do know and remember. You work on the emotions that you have, You work on having a normal life, or a life that is normal for the most part.

Normal, is not walling yourself off from other people. Normal, is not staying secluded in your house and not going out. Normal, is not having symptoms that are out of control.

Normal (to me) is being able to go out, to be able to be with other people(at times) To be symptom free most of the time, or to be able to control them when they hit.

We all have our OWN normal, and we should all strive for that level. We don't have to set goals that are beyond our reach, but set some some goals that you can reach.......It starts with baby steps and being able to take that first step.....We all have to...

TLight....Yes, there are SOME people in the world that suck... But not all do, there still are good people out there, you just have to find them....

 

[TLight]

Thanks She-Cat..........I know you've reminded me of that before. I'm trying to believe.