Not supposed to tell

[Chris-duck]

Hey, sorry things are sucky right now, a few things in your last post stood out to me, but just lemme know if you want me to back off and I will :)

I guess people will almost always pan out to be bad

I dunno if this is a cognitive distortion or a core belief or whatever. But I think, logically at least, if you wanna buy into the good/bad belief thing, that it's gotta be 50/50, like you can't have one half without the other and all that. I, personally, don't think people are good -or- bad, but that's just me, and whatever helps you is okay.

Is 15 and 16 too young?

Yes. I'm in the UK and 16 is the legal age of consent, but it's still a really vulnerable age, I dunno how old you are now, but how do you feel looking at people who are 15/16 now in terms of their maturity/ability to cope with things etc?

I'm grateful I learned that when I was 10. I don't think I've suffered as bad because of that fundamental understanding

I think there's a balance here, you can "make do" with what you have, as in appreciate the good parts and still strive for more. Stopping at just just making do kinda limits our options I guess, but maybe that's just me.

I will keep trying I guess. That's all I can do

Yup, and it sounds like you're doing pretty not bad at it :)

 

[Placebo]

I hate ptsd. I am having a hard time with the deserving part of things I went through, and separating that from what happened. I always thought it was my fault as a kid I got bullied because I was ugly and fat. God knows I couldn't escape it. I thought for years I deserved the public humiliation of being watched. It wasn't about my boobs. I could have flashed them. I couldn't care much about that I guess I did deserve all the shit I got for it to my face, but the sex. I couldn't get over the sex. The fact that I deserved it for being stupid and trusting a man. I have had a few short term hook up dating things with men in my life after that, but no relationships. It hurt when I was younger but now that I'm older I'm good with it. I never really had anyone to talk to about it. I didn't have any female friends that understood my one friend told me to get over it and moved. I tried talking to counselors or shrinks and they all said I was hallucinating. I was so ashamed I couldn't talk to my parents. I'm in full blown ptsd mode. I don't know what to do. I keep getting intrusive thoughts about it. When people think your stupid and you deserve to suffer they tend to hurt you worse. Especially when they are better than you and had better lives. Then it's really on. Being touched in this manner make you bad somehow, not a fun to hang around, not as good of a time. Going into ptsd psychosis you lose a lot of friends. I guess with this medication and not smoking tons of pot i shouldn't go into a psychosis. But, the only thing that made me go back into psychosis was when the people who could hurt me came back around. One at 17, one at 35, and one at 38. Other than that I just cried a lot. I keep crawling out of the hole me and the predator dug in my life. But things like a rape from a co worker or trying to go back to school with the neighbors still stalking me f*cked me up. Its not like that stupid metalica song the unforgiven that came out after my big bang, although it did feel like that video the worst 3 years of my DID. I screamed the n word with such dispare crying at the top of my lungs screaming curses with my pathetic anger as if I had any power to stop the boys on the hill. I was crazy that day. I was inappropriate a lot that summer. No one stopped in that small town, and no one yelled cut time to stop the show. They called me having sex "the show." I guess a lot of people saw. The guys had money up there I didn't know if they had video taped it. They had access to cameras. I deserved it for being stupid. He was my first love. I did make myself love a woman for 5 years, but I wasn't gay in the end. I tried to be gay. It would have solved my problems. I have years on me being one person then in psychosis I just turn into some thing else. The only thing I felt was a supper sharp crippling pain before each one, and each one I had gotten off the pot like a week before. Pot does totally help ptsd, but it doesn't help the real problem. It just stops the symptoms. I burnt out bad, and am totally done with it. I climbed out of the hole a lot. I thought lime the Italian lady who killed herself if I could only get a new start. She killed herself. She was so pretty, and had a pretty good childhood from what I gather. Maybe that's why she killed herself? No one making her strong mentally like I tried to be as a kid and not react, just ignore them, go home and be free of them. I might have compound ptsd due to that. But, with my dad being a sting man saying the game of getting a rise out of me and my big brother giving me a ton of shit till I was 15 maybe that's why I've survived so far? And, I was 16 so my stuff isn't on the web. I was a minor lucky me. Maybe it did make me stronger. I have had really good days. I work for my happiness, and control my perception, and love everyone in my life, and don't think better than anyone, so maybe that helps. I need to remember when I'm in these ptsd phases my happiness on most days. My love of the Buddha and Jesus and Vishnu and Krishna and Allah. They are all God's except Buddha, and I hope to get out of samsara one day, not to be a God. This is the first time I've said much about this. I did have a therapist, but when I started seeing her I couldn't leave the house much due to ptsd. Now I'm in school some thing I never thought possible after trying in that town. I used to get so screwed up even thinking about school. That's where it started, but it spread all over. So what if I didn't want to be a Hoe in mustang land. Horses and triggers. But, I just realized a mustang is a horse. I think subconscious self protection made me not put two and two together but I did get some weird type of late life DID. I don't need to do on to detail and I haven't. Some details aren't important. Only that I couldn't escape. Over the years after high school my ptsd got worse and worse. Compound fractures to the psychi that was only trying to protect me. I don't have any tools or coping mechanisms at that time. Its scary to have people that are above the law and totally killers be on you as a kid. I thought I was going to start a new beginning after high school so excited. I've learned not to get excited about things. Its to risky with my karma. To be kicked while your excited for the next development of your life is painful. I only had to learn twice. I wish the tv and radio wasn't taken away while the town was going on about the show. I had no where to turn. No escape. I'm glad it's over. People with money can kill you. Just throw you out of a plain. Shoot you and bury you with lye in the desert so they can't put a time on your bones. I guess they spared my dad or something. Pushing me into suicide was the next best option for them. But I'm here still maybe my plan of being mentally are in at 10 didn't go to waist and by not acting in violence or saying a angry word until the one day I lost it 7 years later was like lifting weights. Ive only yelled out in anger a few times. The years in that town affected my family greatly. They never felt bad about that. The affect it had on those who loves me. We're all disposable play toys to them. Nothing I can do now. Being on their radar is a life sentence. Your never free from being monitored restrained and observed. No one would believe me anyway which makes me able to keep my life honestly. Being 51/50 was not a bad thing in the end. No credibility so no threat. Maybe I will live long enough to reach some level of enlightenment and someday reach freedom from samsara yelling adika at the guards of the matrix does nothing to help. I am blessed to have the experiences I have spiritually. I fear sometimes that they made them somehow, but I've found them in Buddhist text. I can't let them win all power over me. Part of torture is you getting so beat down your torturers become like God's. Its ptsd now. There gone as long as I keep quiet and hide. I'm not saying anything, but no one would believe me anyway why even try? I've never wanted attention. I'm glad not many know about it.

 

[Placebo]

Hey, sorry things are sucky right now, a few things in your last post stood out to me, but just lemme know if you want me to back off and I will :)


I dunno if this is a cognitive distortion or a core belief or whatever. But I think, logically at least, if you wanna buy into the good/bad belief thing, that it's gotta be 50/50, like you can't have one half without the other and all that. I, personally, don't think people are good -or- bad, but that's just me, and whatever helps you is okay.

Yes. I'm in the UK and 16 is the legal age of consent, but it's still a really vulnerable age, I dunno how old you are now, but how do you feel looking at people who are 15/16 now in terms of their maturity/ability to cope with things etc?

I think there's a balance here, you can "make do" with what you have, as in appreciate the good parts and still strive for more. Stopping at just just making do kinda limits our options I guess, but maybe that's just me.

Yup, and it sounds like you're doing pretty not bad at it :)

If I had some power and my dad couldn't put me in a mental institution and I knew I was of consenting age then it wouldn't have been so bad. I think in the states 16 is young again because we have no power, but it still would have been bad.
Thank you for the comments. I haven't been able to get perspective as I can't talk about it here. The Anonymity of this site allows me to put it into words and formulate thoughts also when I start typing I hurt when I stop the pain is gone.

 

[Placebo]

Working through it. The people involved and the time in that industry didn't treat women very well. I knew that. I also knew what was going on was very dominant male. I did go nuts as a primitive form of self protection. I was raised by a man who had seen real combat real jungle insane combat. He tried to dominate me as that was the manly military thing back then. Men were dominant. He would throw energy like grenades when he tried to control me as his kid, and when we would fight. Things were different growing up. Parents didn't have the internet, and things were a bit more barbaric I guess you could say. My dad really did drop bombs, and really did have machine guns fired at him, and really did see a lot of dead bodies in barbwire along with his own men blown up. He had to hand out purple hearts to guys with their guts blown out right before they died. I did fight his dominance at around 12 my fighting his strength and authority started. I feel really bad for all of that as a kid, but honestly with that game he played of -giving you a hard time, I think that was my counter attack to not letting him over power my emotions and having The ability to defend myself. Primitive, but I was 12, and with the natural age of that type of behavior occurring I also can have compassion towards myself and my shame of not being kind to a man who had been through areal war in an organization with truly strong vibed dominant men. My dad wasn't a monkey he was a big old gorilla to me.
The street punk thugs trying to dominate me and f*ck me were nothing compared to the reality I grew up with. Real shit like that changes a person. It affected me, but I forgive him, and the war that did it to him/us as a family. Again I do feel bad for my own lack of compassion and knowledge about my dad's situation, but I'm getting through it and trying to make up for it with the time we have left. It's a very dominant thing to scream at someone and stalk them taking away their privacy and safety invading their insides along with outsides. Only to expect them to submit and be a good girl laugh at what a stupid whore you were and call them. Again self preservation of instincts and knowing women were second class citizens by their own words protected me and I wasn't sure if I was crazy. I wouldn't be dominated and I fought inside of myself confused about the numerous emotions hightened and intense running through me all at the same time which of course affects my nervous system, hormons, adrenal glands, and brain chemistry. The ptsd I have is brain damage from that. They damaged my physically without laying a hand on me. I got shot at for using the n word, but at the time I knew it was a bitch shut up shot, and unfortunately not the first time I had been in the direction of a bullet. I had lived a hard wild life before then trying to find my way in an unconventional way as the mainstream had rejected me in that town. I was already done and trying to fit in with people my own age as that was my emotional maturity level. I was just smoking pot, but honestly needed to stop and take a long break to let my gray matter devil which after that situation I stopped for 9 years.
It's sad that my dad has been hurt through their actions and my sweet Mom, but they don't care as self cherishing ego maniacs never do. Also they have a bit of hedonism and sociopath with in them. No care for the people they perceive as below them. We are not royal, but honestly the royals in Europe seem a bit more evolved than what I was dealing with here. I don't think they would have bothered about me in the first place or have been stupid enough to celebrate with people who were bullying me. Maybe who knows and who cares the only thing I insanity them is we were confirmed in the same church. Side tracking in my thoughts.
It takes a lot to dominate me. It took a lot of men and a scary John Lang stalking list to get me to physically stop acting out. I do t know if the John Lang thing is real, but it sure is scary as honestly for the good old boys network well let's just say I'm a girl, again my bad karma I am the other and a second class citizen still. Not as bad as a black male in the prison rate statistics and the death statistics though. Again I do have some privileges as I didn't get physically beat up. They only got women in private in those circles which according to their own recorded word was not that uncomon, and I know myself "dominate me mother f*cker, no f*ck you" a bad habit I got into with my dad as in his youth he had serious mojo strength and power in his words. I don't like to be dominated honestly just come at me like a human being and not a body part sexual object or a second class citizen.
God's this life has been insane. How could me a no body a loser and a second class citizen and up in the position I was in as if no was a big persons enemy, or a threat. I know I've never been a threat, but they did have to hurt me and put me in my place. They rather enjoyed it from the laughs and cruel snide smirks of disgust I had to deal with for what is now over half of my life. Going back to the same emotions and energy or vibes of you will it's been 31/41 years, and very hard not to take as if it all me after all that many people can't be wrong. But, I have changed and changed my body and changed my everything so many times maybe it's just that I carry some type of imprint in my being that they can sniff out like karma which I accept.
I couldn't sleep last night and eventually understood that I'm a past life I made a group of people feel like this. I was ashamed at that and accepted my life, and honestly it felt better. I am a Buddhist as it's been proven to be my truth. I accept responsibility and understand that I can change my karma as I have this moment which when you go deep into Buddhism is all that exist and yet even that is an illusion, but those sutras while I can meditate on leave me feeling blown out on all levels so I may intellectually understand them but don't have true realization of them yet. I'm gaining skill. And I realize I am long winded as the saying goes, but give never been able to communicate this. In therapy they say I am to vague and need to get detailed, but no one would believe me. The only people that would are stuck in schizophrenia thinking it's something it isn't and continuing to not realize you body hurts from psychological trauma. I don't relate to any others I've found. It's not satanic or stupid buckshot illuminate which only goes back to Dion Fortune and the late 1920's as we were just introduced enough with our neighbors from around the world to learn from other religions mysticism. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, or the Masons..... I've read their books f*cking please: a bunch of old men in sheep skin aprons might as well start doing altered Crowley ritual; never taking into account the laws of quantum physics are still beyond us and held deep inside. Rambling on I'm rambling. I kind of wish this were private as I feel not normal not like everyone else that my life has taken such an odd path and I don't follow the masses and really never have. I did get to formulate thoughts though regardless of their relevance quite possibly the ramblings are my way of still hiding from facts in my face I haven't assimilated into my continuous story. And no it's not satanic ritual abuse, just power abuse from men with dick and balls and the women trying to be like them. I am not a man not will I ever be strength or not.

 

[Placebo]

Looking at how other people were treated and I was treated its obvious that they saw me as less that, stupid, and didn't give a f*ck about me only about how awesome they were. No one stopped and said "are you ok" or "can I talk to you." It's not that I was unwilling I was scared and felt sexually accosted. A guy who called himself Alex ( couldn't be his real name) called me and said "can I meet you somewhere." I was filling out an application for taco bell my parents were dead broke and we needed money although with how harassed I was working there would have been a disaster. I was at taco bell, and this old guy like 60 came up to me and said "you ready for the real drugs." WTF is all I could think " real drugs" made me an idiot on my boyfriend and my year anniversary and I have him oral sex ferociously. Real drugs made me a crying idiot after I kept doing them for d we months. I had got off the real drugs all I was ok with was smoking pot not even lsd anymore as I had that one trip where I never had to do it again. I told that old guy "what you wait till little girls start to flower then you try to pluck them" he gave me a look of pure anger and said ok then left. I didn't finish that application went home and was scared. The old men wouldn't leave me alone, the kids my age, and other people who I never met. It was way after I broke up with that guy (or he broke up with me). He was a predator, but I knew sex was an adult thing and I never felt like I should call the cops as the sex between me and him was consensual us alone. I didn't tell my dad his age until years later or my dad would have called the cops. So, as far as the European age of consent while it is a very different culture over there I did not put him in prison as I was able to say I was responsible for my part, but at the time of its occurrence I felt like it was all my fault and I was just a stupid piece of shit. Others were treated better, but they were men. And, again I was a girl. I knew they smacked hoes, and I was just a f*ck hole in some level. Yes the more I find out about how other were treated the more I realized I was singled out and have been singled out over and over again for special treatment. I have a problem with people trying to dominate me, but I'm sweet most of the time. I'm reasonable when spoken to with reason. For all intensive proposes I wasn't dealing g with educated people. I was called a sell out which makes no sense. What did I sell out to? I was called a player hated because I hated that that guy "played me" which means he was dishonest and deceitful and untrustworthy in the end. What is wrong with hating an ex who devastated me by sexually exploiting me? I got over the hate as I don't like hanging on to it while I may feel it momentarily it never stays long. I don't think of people as a good guy, or good woman anymore based on their public face. Some people have more than two faces and enjoy pulling off the good guy mask to hurt you.
I ducked up a few years ago when retraumatized. I wasn't supper nice and thought maybe things would have been different if I had no anger. With more than one set of eyes watching a person asked me for more than friendship even though he was married. He was far away and I thought because comedy was involved he was kidding. I was stoned and didn't think about it I said I understand and yes I will be your friend. I did not say lover. Something to that affect. I was called a whore, but honestly me being angry in the past is what made them get so angry with me. I have a hard time understanding the truth and the fact that it's a sadist thing. They are sadistic with smiles and cruel superior smirks as they acted out their agenda with the choice of perceiving me in a truly negative light, and based upon their perceptions had the ability to forgo empathy, and hurt me with deserving attitudes and cruel intention.
I know I'm part it was my fault for being young and thinking love and sex go together. I still think that. Honestly if I have sex with someone and enjoy their company I do fall in love with them. I can't help it; it's just a part of who I am. Not very cool now days, and seen as weak in a lot of circles, but it is what it is.
On a huge level with their money and power and yes I do understand I am stupid in my moments of weakness when I am alone. I understand I do have to make sure I never do what I did to be in these positions again. That is not a problem I can do that. I can have the courage to understand that I need to change myself for the better no matter what.
When your statistically hurting someone their is no love. I have had written notes of we wish you nothing but the best with cruel smirks knowing the only way for me to stop the pain is suicide, but I've worked my as s of and taken serious antipsychotics to numb the pain just long enough to make it through the suicide risk. I've had notes love ya ass, but fascinating things while hurting someone with sadistic joy is proof of removing someone's humanity so that you can cause damage and in my case with ptsd and DiD I suffered before it was brain damage. Physical hurt and brain damage, but not a hopeless diagnosis as we have found the brain has amazing healing capacity with our advanced medical technology measuring the brain. I do have hope.
I keep getting up. No matter what I keep getting up. The rest of my life might be recovering from this sadistic joke and childhood trauma leading up to it, but I keep jumping out of the hole, and I keep finding ways to move forward even if it doesn't seem like that and I'm slow I didn't kill myself when others would have. I didnt sell my soul for money, or become a real Satanist which is just a hedonist worshiping all things that are self cherishing; while making a woman suffer with the consequences of righteous indignation against some teenage girl because she couldn't do what you want.

 

[Placebo]

Writing about this has been really good for me, even if I'm long winded and make no sense. I owe some people an apology. In my primitive defense mechanisms I went into a psychosis, and didn't understand. I was told I was crazy, and I honestly didn't know if a bad LSD trip that really made me crazy. I thought it did, but I went back and forth. My parents didn't mean to, but denial was one of our families biggest traditions. I was so scared, and star struck, and ashamed with embarresd all at the same time. I didn't see money, and still don't. I am stupid for it I know. As a kid growing up we never had money, and kids made fun of me for the way I dressed - we were the white trash of the hill, or at least I was.
My brother has always been better than me and always will be. I had no support all of my teenage shit came back at me, and i did drugs. I was bad.
I had no support from anyone I knew or trusted. My bullies had won and broke me finnaly after 7 years they absolutely broke me. They watched me have sex brought more people into it, and worst of all they knew famous people. Like supper famous people. God I felt like such a piece of shit. Everyone thaought it was so awesome what my boyfriend did to me, and i was so in love with him back then. That boyfriend and my best friend got together while I was still with him. I didn't have her anymore. My other best friend had pretty much moved on, and because I had a boyfriend that didn't like her I didn't hang out with her, that came back at me too.
It is well known now that revenge porn hurts women. It is well known now teenage girls kill themselves along with women. I relate to that Italian Lady who killed herself. Aside from the famous people I could go no where with out someone saying something to me. Famous people made YouTube videos about her laughing at her. I was a big comedic joke to famous people, and if it was real it made me want to die so bad I did go into a psychosis instead of kill myself. It doesn't matter I still own a few people an apology my primitive defense mechanisms then (which landed me a case of DID, as much as one could have as a older teenager hearing voices and regressing into a child eventually). I can only take responsibility for me, and let other people's actions and behavior be theirs. I had humiliated myself. One Christmas time someone knocked on my back window after the bullies from childhood had also ran me out of college and I thought it was the bullies possible setting me up for something bad again. I said "f*ck off." It was my backyard and after they made my house into a public show because we lived backed up to a hill with no dense I kept the blinds drawn and didn't go in the back yard anymore. That was the bad place for me. I still don't know who it was, but I guess they ment no harm and was trying to be nice. I didn't know I never saw them. I just knew in their free time the boys club on the hill liked to watch my family and it was like reality tv for them. The bullies never ever said hi to me ever once. They just told me I was a piece of shit till I ran away then they ignored me. I didn't know I was their free tv. I wanted to die so badly for all those years. Anyway it doesn't matter I said the n word period, and I didn't smile, and I wasn't nice. When we moved I did want to write a letter stating I didn't know if it was a bad drug trip, but this happened and I was sorry. I never did. What did happen is a surgery and ptsd. More primitive behavior and honestly passive aggressive anger. I guess I deserved what I got. But, being completely powerless over omnipotent forces, and yet again someone I enjoyed watching ragging on me. It wasn't that bad, but full on ptsd came back, and when I'm in a trauma ptsd psychosis I yell a lot. If it's any consolation to the powers that be I will always understand it is my negative karma that brought this on. Someone told me if you don't care about money then you've never had any and you never will. Their correct I love below the poverty level, but I never seem to be hurting for money. Maybe because my dad bought me a car and pays for my car insurance and phone. Most likely why I have money to eat out sometimes, and kinda shop for clothes. When I'm healthy and my happy weight I can dress at thrift stores more, but the size I am now it's very much more difficult. Thank God for Wal-Mart, and I do pray for the people in sweatshops who make my clothes. I am an American sociopath as we all are sucking off the sweat of others.
Anyway I need to think about the words of my apology, and try to make a living amends with my behavior. No more happy pot head, or carefree bohemian loser. I'm trying to go to school to get a job I can handle and have options to change jobs if my ptsd can't work with kids I can work with homeless people (my people as I have hung out with them extensively, and know I could easily be one. My brother was right), or crazy people. I want to pay taxes and feel ok about my self. I will never be successful, but maybe I can be self supporting instead of a system leach.
Merry Christmas. This holiday is no big deal.

 

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This has been a long exhausting cycle. I am exhausted and in physical pain. I can tell it's ptsd because I'm reliving it like it's brand new almost. Well maybe not but reliving it with different emotions. I guess it felt like that Steven king Carey movie. For my high school prom this is what I got. I'm not fighting suicide anymore, so that's good. I don't know why this has been so traumatic for me. Why that was so traumatic for me, except I didn't have any clue until I got blown out of the water. People get boiled to death in our country who have mental health problems. Pensions are tied up in prison profits (and the companies who make money off prison contracts for things like uniforms, food, shower shoes, etc), and that's where we now hold a lot of mentally ill people. I just believed in the illusion. I believed in the lies. I read somewhere that Marya (Buddhist evil demon) is not only a tempter, but illusion and ignorance as well. I couldn't be a part of the illusion I was being told. That women should like what happened to me. That it was totally cool for my boyfriend to do that. That it was great that guys who used to spit on me be disgusted with me and ignore me giving me a false sense of safety in my home so that to me. I couldn't engage is the illusion; the illusion that sells the lies. From a Buddhist perception of this it is very good I did not join that illusion that sell self charishing, greed, and hedonism (as long as I feel good and engage in sensory pleasure f*ck everyone). It is a blessing that I thought it was all the drugs I took before the big bang making me crazy (yeah I was/am responsible for my part). I don't know why I cried this morning when I was alone that my disillusionment occured. I have had amazing spiritual things happen. So, it is a blessing I didn't do what they wanted me to do. It is good in the end, so why does it cause me mental anguish to be so disillusioned with the world, and the producers of illusion? I cried in part because I can no longer escape in mass media and be ok with it. I no longer feel good when I hear the music or feel the frequencies of things I used to think were ok. I am also so grateful that things have occurred as they did because I have my nieces who I love so much, and they may not be here if I went into illusion and engaged in that world. I know I live in a sociopathic self cherishing culture. No one cares about the cost to others for our mass consumerism lifestyle where more is better, so we can't share our profits with the people creating our cherished things. Our government went from 3 wars to about 7 in the last administration causing great suffering to many, but the government is a reflection of the people in the end, so again a sociopathic culture. The disillusionment my trauma resulted in is difficult to handle sometimes as I wish I could go back and be normal like everyone else. why do I suffer because I am no longer in illusion? I didn't like the illusion of when I went into a psychosis to hide, so why does this illusion hurt to lose? maybe because I want to be self cherishing, or I want to feel good about the world? My Buddhist monk friend said on earth every act of kindness is a miracle. This is like the ground floor above the hell realms and why we are so lucky to be human so we can experience suffering and seek enlightenment as freedom from samsara. In the heaven realms (dimensions) life is so good we don't seek freedom,but eventually die there too, and cycle to another place within samsara. I need rest. I need water. Self care is very difficult for me in these places. Focus on good. Stop looking up negative things in the internet. And, maybe a little tv. Honestly even though it is illusion and your brain waves go into a meditative wide open state while watching; taking it in as all real (the brain can't tell if it's real or not it just takes it in) I still watch a few tv shows to zone out too. That will stop again when school is in. I do better in school. I'm looking forward to it.

 

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I have been physically raped a couple of times, and honestly the non-consensual "show" was worse than being raped. When your raped they get their dick out of you eventually, but what I went through went on for years. I couldn't get away, and it's never going to be ok. A few years ago I did f*ck up I get some of the shi t I went through, like a day or so, but again they wouldn't stop until I was broken and rubbed in my face how funny it is that I felt totally violated, and basically said I deserved it. People with money and power are very cruel to low life's like me. I've researched revenge porn, stalking, and torture. I'm not crazy for feeling tortured. I'm not the only one who felt raped. That is like celebrating a teenage girls rape,so I don't feel.so bad about going into a psychosis. Their karma to cycle up in the world of quantum mechanics when they die. I don't thing a single good thing came out of it. Only harm.

 

[Placebo]

Started my period today. Everything so so much better. I need to find a way to deal with that. Exorcise or birth control of some type mybe? I have spent a lot of time with my amazing nieces. If my life head been different then everything would have been different then I wouldn't have them, but maybe not honestly. I still would have had to deal with that town regardless of what happened. I just don't think as much damage would have been inflicted, and I'd still be in illusion about so much, and trapped in mass consciousness striving to be like what's taught in our society, and worse yet I could have actually watched keeping up with the Kardashian's or other reality tv. I could have thought the government and politics with government agencies were actually working for Good around the world instead of self interest. I might be financially better off, or I could be deep in debt with the IRS and no future career that could pay off my debt. I could have done "real drugs" which were the only thing actually offered to me in person during my public shame graduating high school gift, and I could have died like some of them already have. Who knows, but for me to hurt so bad over this is not what I want. Nelson Mandela lost 20 years in prison and came out free of bad emotions stating if he didn't leave his bitterness and hatred behind he would still be in prison. I can understand the other side honestly they thought I would be happy and blown away, but honestly I was so ashamed and felt so stupid the only thing I was is blown away literally mentally blown away. I can forgive others honestly, but I have a hard time with forgiving myself. My ptsd may come out as others hurt me, but no one has hurt me more than myself with holding everything in and hating myself. Hopefully the pendulum has gone back and forth so much it can stop in the center now. I accepted I was a piece of shit, and used to think I was self confident in being a piece of shit. The only thing that made it all ok was smoking pot. When I just smoked at night I was fine: it totally managed my ptsd, but it never healed it, and healing is possible. In fact I would end up drinking on the weekends after starting pot after off periods for a couple of months want g to socialize (drinking is serious poison to my decision making process, and is a gateway drug to bad decisions and possibly things like cocain) then eventually smoking weed 24/7 waking and baking and smoking until 1-2 am getting up at 6am smoking again, burning out and taking my herb formulas like maca root, and mixed formulas for energy which allowed me to not burn out or get tiered or eat. That puts me in a serious weakness, and given the spring time back to ptsd psychosis usually because I did something to bring the heat back on including watching porn which I now know my computer was hacked (I quit before I found out stalkers were up on my shit still). I will never be normal like other people. I will never wish to be desired sexually by others or anyone I'm not in that type of intimate relationship with. I'm old now anyway for those type of people. I was to ducked up from 17-now on my own after being sexually abused, so it's not like my youth was taken away or anything it would have happened after the "show". I'd be a prude anyway as most of my life I've been celibate for personal spiritual reasons. I did go through a short peak from 35-38, but no big deal most of that was alone. Anyway my long winded rambling isn't helping my recovery. I need to forgive myself for the continuing bad positions I've put myself in, and a lack of self love, sense of self, and self worth that allowed me to do that to myself. Self cherishing is not self love and I didn't know that before. I thought in order to be humble I had to be in a state of lowly humiliation for a long time. Recovery complete recovery is possible. Some Americans i have met are miserable and angry most t of their lives. I have a chance to be really happy for who knows how long until I die. Some days weeks, and months I am happy. That is more than a lot can say around the world. I owe it to physics that states everything is connected to be happy. One more happy person in the world is good on a quantum mechanics level as well. I need to get my degree in social work like I have been doing to help someone else, and no I don't have to work for cps only. I can do this. Even after everything that's happened I still am better off then the targeted individual movement (a hobby of mine to follow) thank God for my Dad he is a very strong man, and my Mom is just amazing they have grown and changed over the years it's never to late. PTSD doesn't have to be a life sentence and f*ck western science that says it is. The world scientist and persons tortured in other countries don't agree. My time wasn't in Guantanamo seriously we have destroyed innocent people for less than a whisper of suspicion from others turning them in for money or other reasons. I can get better and help others. f*ck anyone who said I would be ducked up for life. I'm not easy to dominate it takes a hell of a lot to dominate me and make me submit not on my own accord, so I will not be dominated by someone telling me, or thinking I'm gonna be f*cked up for life. I didn't let anyone dominate me in high school after I learned my lesson with that guy scott. It took groups, and resources beyond my knowledge to make me finally say I'm you win I'll stop crying and just walk with my head down and headphones in my ear, so that I don't hear the insults or cruel comments anymore. You won I'm slut shamed and no one. I understand I can't protect myself or stand up for myself after what I was so stupid to trust a man who later would call himself a player like all the other men. It took a lot for me to finally give and stop being mad at others for not being a friend and not telling me what was being done to me from 1 5-16 when it happened, and most of all no one stood up for me and said maybe if we're just nice and said "hay can we talk about what's been going on. I know you feel bad. " Nope everyone was larger than life laughing and having a great time. Anyway I am not mad about that. I was never jealous or envious of the bullies I went to school with; I just thought maybe I could get away and meet nice people when I grew up. I can do that now I guess. I have done that. I have met nice people that don't insult people or put them down. I have met people who would never laugh at someone crying, and would say "are you ok." They care if I'm suffering they don't just say f*ck you if I don't do what they want. They are gentle with me when I'm scared. I can be happy now. Especially that I know what happened and I'm no longer have repressed memories. I lost a lot of time that graduation year. I kept thinking "what happened to me" until I was 35 and a few memories came ripping back after a helicopter flew to close. Honestly though when I'm heavily medicated on depakote lithium and other antipsychotics mainly haldol or navain I have a hard time remembering details, but that summer was totally blacked out except for a few crazy things I must have been hallucinating on tv. I stopped the DID janitorial hallucinations and even after being re-traumatized I did not hear voices, so I'm doing better than the first time, but again I don't have a town that hates me and slut shames me continually either. I'm not a feminist and am a little old fashioned due to my parents being the silent generation before the baby boomers, but I am a human and don't want to be treated like a second class citizen. I'm no Madonna and don't think sex is my empowerment. People have been f*cking freeky from before recorded history I don't think it needs to be sold to free anyone from the chains of sexual repression. Just allow people to be educated with a trusting partner they will figure it out. But, people who have been sexually abused have been proven to either be sexually wild or sexually repressed that is something different all together from mass media. I think I'm ok in that area of my life now. I think I was ok with my first love if people from outside of that relationship and that mans consequence of action not abused me far after we were over. I have thought the acts I was doing were wrong or the love I had for him as that was personal and none of anyone's business. The ptsd from horror, mortification, and continued stalking from the bullies in school chasing me out of anywhere they were in the same place as me did have a lot of damage on me nerologically. The brain can be healed as meditation causes the hippocampus to grow and front lobe to regain new and older important neropathways health. The brain can rewire itself from serious injury like car accidents as well. Discipline is important for my next phase of life. Discipline in physical health and in mediating as well as mindfulness. I may never be as good as one of the untouched people in as far as they have never known damage like this and are not as vulnerable as I will be in the future to other life damages. But what makes them untouched like white angels that glow is the fact they will never be damaged; they will always be insulated from that kind of outside hurt. Too late for me I was born with damage coming my way, but not too late to be free. It's never to late to be free from past pain.

 

[Placebo]

I am long winded on this site. Things are better and I'm back to functional. I have decided to be more proactive about my ptsd. I had a rough one growing up that affected me and my decisions as a teenager. And the past 20 years has honestly been getting over that. I have had some bad stuff happen as an adult I was raped twice, but it didn't take as much time too get over. What my adult traumas did do is bring in my earlier traumas and make the pain worse. I have a physical ptsd meaning its a brain damage type of thing. I know this from many examples the last one being supper stressed the week of moving not knowing if I would have somewhere to move into, and having to cancel the movers twice. Then about a week after my stress chemicals go back I get ptsd and have to deal with that for a week. I'm getting a lot better as my mom said I only had two down days where I wasn't really there just quiet. That's improvenment. It's over though. That f*cked up nightmare and my deep denial of what happened is over. I don't think anyone is going to come back. I know what happened now. I'm glad I didn't do what others wanted me to do. I made myself out to be something I'm not for a while as a kid, and when I finally got over that breakup and was moving on I was different and just really wanted too move on to the next phase of my life. I wanted to be an adult or young adult and honestly thought I had a chance of making it out of school with hope for the future. It's ok that was 24 years ago. I'm glad I'm older as those people can move on to some other young woman or teenage kid. I don't have to get totally obese anymore like I used to to protect myself while I am heavy now from quitting smoking I'm not obese and don't need that much of a self defense mechanism. Age protects women. I'm free from the bad guys monitored and stalked or not. I know what has been going on so no more mistakes like I did in the past. It's not embarrassing me growing up under the circumstances I did. Honestly I was so lost after high school I let others tell me what was normal and what to do. Hell I let a woman tell me I was a walk -in from the 12th dimension and I believe her for like 6 or 7 years. It's a new age thing and that was my religion for a while. It made a lot of sense at the time. It explained what happened to me at 17 with ou t being real meaning she knew all my symptoms and said the cause was something it wasnt. I did use some of her information though to help me in meditation to get back into my core and not be splayed on everything outside of myself for self protection. That time in my life was not completely waisted as I did get into therapy and didn't tell my therapist about that I just worked through my stuff slowly as it took a while to trust my T. If I had known what had happened I don't know if I would have gotten in school sooner or killed myself or if I would have gotten better sooner. I honestly didn't remeber what happened to me from 18-35 and at 35 I thought I was crazy when I got flashbacks so bad I went into another psychosis, but my dad did flip out on me root hat summer and he and my mom have apologized as they kept fighting me to be in medication that gives me the worst side effects I get so angry but that is what the doctor prescribed in the psych hospital. I will never be back on that crap again. I had never been to jail and something happened in there I thought might be normal, but go figure it wasnt. Things don't end up in a cell like that. I had been in and out of psych wards though, or would be in and out of psych wards for the next month, so even though I started with a few flashbacks that were so confusing, and in my mind impossible, but so f*cking painful. I never fully recovered the memories and wasn't sure if it was part of my crazy. I had gotten over the DID auditory hallucinations, but not fully over the DID I guess. I would shut off the past memories when I came out of psychosis and just keep going, and at 35 that ment doing come for a few months until my body couldn't take the coke and drinking, so I got sober for a while like 6 months or so, then the depression came back I was isolated so I started smoking pot so I could hang out with my old friends again. I was fine for like 6 months maybe longer I've done fine with just smoking pit, but I always drink eventually. I'm a lot addict anyway I can never do it again. So, I lived a normal or what I thought was kinda some what normal alternative lifestyle until spring time when the pts d came back and I did stupid shit again. At least I know now I wasn't crazy at 17 like everyone around me told me I was. It happened and I guess I wasn't sexually wild or a slut or wanting to continue to do drugs or wanting anything from anyone. I just wanted to work honestly, and not suck dick to do it. I wanted a job at taco bell. I wanted to go to school. I guess I did want things back then and wanting them caused me to suffer when I realized I couldn't do it. I've learned wanting causes suffering. I am trying to advance to a university this coming july. That is kind of wanting, but I don't have expectations that it will occure. I hope it will, but if it doesn't I'm ok with that. Instead of putting wanting into it I'm just moving forward and seeing what happens. I didn't lose 20+ years either. After what happened I got a form of DID so I couldn't help it. My dad can be a dick sometimes and tells me I'm about 20 years behind, but I don't say anything when he goes there. He's old and I've hurt him enough in my life. Having a daughter who sobs uncontrollably for hours until 3 am and goes in and out of mental institutions is enough. He said he was going to give me enough rope to hang myself with in high school with a lot of anger and walked away a few times, but I didn't know that was a truth at 15-16. I didn't know I could get hurt T like that. Disillusionment is always painful I guess. I understand I'll never be free like some people are, but that's ok. No one is stopping me from doing anything. When I had my final self destructive trying to be "normal" like everyone else blow out I couldn't handle it. I can never go back. I did end up going to a nut ward and this time it helped. There is one about 2.5 hours away that is really good. I don't know why, but it has helped me twice finely just calm the f*ck down. It's not the drugs but it is the patients there. Eventually I look around and realize I'm just as crazy as everyone there and I don't want to be. When I realize that finally calling down from being hysterical some how I end up getting better. I did come back and end up doing Crystal meth for a few days or more like a week with the homies and ended up getting big as S tattoos on my wrist that I ducking hate! I hate them so much, but every time I want to do something impulsive or start smoking pot again I look at them and think "no." Or, I don't think at all and just stop whatever self destructive impulsive thought I have. Most impulsive actions are not my best moves. So I ended my last attempt at denial of what had happened and tried to just go forward like it didn't happen going to the bars and smoking pot like everyone I know with big ass tatoos. Generic colorful tattoos I got on a crystal meth run. I still have my teeth luckily it wasn't that long of a run. Is it worse when some of your trauma is directly based on your decision of action trying to run from abuse and run from pain? Is it worse when some of it you have no option but to know you did it, and know you put yourself in harm's way. I prayed for a boyfriend at 15 a guy on a horse with long hair. I got the guy and the horse and it ended up hurting me so badly. He was everything I wanted the first few months and so aware of how everyone around me was treating me bad. He save some from them, and he saved me from being a day book nerd, but after a few months it slowly for worse and worse and worse until I was nothing and then he broke up with me after he crushed me completely inside. I prayed for a guy with long hair on a white horse. I got what I wanted and stayed with him every though he slowly ripped me into nothing. I did drugs after him for 5 months like all my friends. I ended up stopping those drugs and thought I could make new friends in school, and after I graduated. No sooner then I thought maybe I could make new friends did my life get completely disgraced. I couldn't go anywhere on that town for the next 5 years with out getting shit. I attempted suicide 3 times, and was in cardiac critical care for 3 days, but it never got better. I honestly couldn't remember what happened to me. I was sitting on my porch after we moved and I kept thinking what happens to me, but all I could remember is this one time I was sitting in my backyard and this huge stream of white rainbow colored light pores down on m y head and I got dizzy bad and walked back in the house. That was a weird experience but I didn't put much stalk in it. I just thought I was exhausted or something as wrong with me or I was crazy. I never had enough confidence to trust myself. I could remember so I couldn't get over it. I know now. I'm not as crazy as some people who get a little gang stalking in their life. I'll be ok.

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t think you are crazy. I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did. I know you’ve justified that you deserved it, given the Buddhist teachings. But you didn’t, you didn’t deserve any of that. None of it was your fault. An asshole took advantage of a little girl, that is not your fault. You deserve better than to keep blaming yourself. I know the relationship with your father was a little complicated, but overall I’m so glad that you have a good relationship with your parents. You have no idea how much of a benefit that is, it’s genuinely a very good thing.

 

[Placebo]

Thank you Kubash. About the Buddhist thing. I have read quite a few cases where the monks were grateful for their suffering, and that is part of why they don't have ptsd. I try to be like that, and when I'm in a ptsd episode it does hurt me. I am also a westerner so my deep seeded beliefs are different my unconscious programming system of beliefs does take it into the deserving mentality and that does hurt me. The eastern mentality is not about deserving of not deserving. A different approach, and understanding with further contemplation on the subject is needed. Thank you again my view of karma has a mentality that is flawed. I appreciate you very much.