Not supposed to tell

[Kubash16]

I kinda get that. I would be careful about listening to that too much. How are they able to confirm that that is the exact reason for not developing PTSD. Are there other factors that could be at play? Also, who’s to say none of them do? It’s entirely possible some do, and are just able to hide or regulate it given their other teachings (mindfulness/yoga/etc.)

 

[Placebo]

I kinda get that. I would be careful about listening to that too much. How are they able to confirm that that is the exact reason for not developing PTSD. Are there other factors that could be at play? Also, who’s to say none of them do? It’s entirely possible some do, and are just able to hide or regulate it given their other teachings (mindfulness/yoga/etc.)

Good point they do a lot, and had much training before being tortured in Chinese prisons. I am not a monk, but can improve using the techniques you mention. Thank you again people like you help so much.

 

[Kubash16]

That’s what I love about this community. We get to see and relate to each other’s stories and remind each other to love ourselves in whatever f*cked up way we are able to for the moment.

I have very similar issues about deserving what I got. It’s fundamental for me, and changing it is proving to be impossible. But seeing other stories like yours helps me feel less alone in it.

 

[Kubash16]

If you want, you are welcome to read mine. I struggle with a lot of the same concepts. You are absolutely under no obligation to though. I just figure it might make you feel a little more related to. Dead Link Removed

 

[Placebo]

I will. When I read stories of others who have been hurt it helps. If I had been anyone else sometimes I think I would have liked what happened to me and I would have sold sex for a position of money and to advance in life, but all I saw was the casting couch, and psychopaths behind them far behind them. The ones who do things in secret but love to hang out in the limelight of others, and have a fake face in public. I can feel psychopaths and know a hedonist a mile away. I also.knew what Satanism was from the time of 13 when I read the satanic bible. It's not blood and guts it's hedonistic self cherishing and a belief the universe works in that way, so there is no backlash ever, but physics proves that wrong. Anyway just thank you for listening. I'll read your diary I feel like I'm making an internet friend. Thank you again.

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t mind being your friend. ?

 

[Placebo]

It's been a good productive day. No real flashbacks today. Some.negative self thoughts, but not many. I go back and forth from all victim to all deserving of what happened in the past. I honestly was just a f*cked up ashamed kid. At 41 I honestly have no idea how adults did that to someone so young. I can't imagine being that ignorant, cut throat, stupid, egotistical, vain, god complex, judgemental, or sociopathic to be a part of what was happening. I just don't see how the adults in that situation could do that to a girl who had not graduated high school yet. I don't know what madness infects people in those positions. I do not suffer from the same madness, and have grown a lot from 17-41: even if I did not have the core of my being able to understand. I didn't think anyone could have that much of a lack of psychological knowledge about the human condition and so what happened to me was mostly a hallucination even while it was happening I could not be live it. I had to be an adult to understand. I honestly didn't know, though most people in the population will never know either the truth of some things. I didn't feel right for a week or so before the senior class surprise that showed up in English class one day, and kept feeling weird and searching for what was wrong with me. I remember how crazy it got after the Oklahoma city bombing in 95. Like a week after maybe two I'm not sure. I was in the mental institution my parents out me in because I was beside myself with grief and hysterical with emotions. I saw on the news that the babies were blown up, and I was in shock. That's the only way I can time stamp it to a date. At 41 years old watching the world change and go through phases in pop culture is interesting as well. The internet has changed things. The surveillance world and video recorders on everything also has changed behavior in society. Public shaming is huge and bothers me. People don't get forgiven and don't get a chance to grow they just get kicked down into nothing with judgment from people who I'm sure have their own skeletons in the closet. No one can say they have done things they have not been embarrassed about, or could be shamed on if they got caught. I would have killed myself if I was 10-17 now. At any of those given years I at some point would have been one of the suicides listed in the paper. Suicide was weak in societies eyes when I was growing up, and now it's common place as the number of kids killing themselves has sky rocketed. Kids are very open about trying to push other kids into suicide now days too. When I was a kid I don't remember anyone saying repeatedly to kill myslef. They just talked shit, hit me, and spit on me back then. I would totally be a statistic now days, but my whole family would have been different and I would have been different, so again who knows I may not have been bullied at all. I know its horrible to be traumatized again with a small fraction of what happened at 17, but I am so grateful I did have to go through a small amount of it even if I brought it all back for me because I know now. I don't think I have always been supper crazy with hallucinations. I also know I have been in so much emotional pain the only thing my mind could do to stop the pain was go in to a psychosis the 3 major ones I have had. I did go through all kinds of ptsd things and chain smoked just staring wondering what happened while my mind ran through all kinds of shit. It's to late now to be anything great or do anything great in my life, but I can do something to help others I hope. It makes me happy to see others happy. I know I'm not alone, and I also know it is so easy after this trauma to see everything as a part of the bad things that have happened to you, and to receive them as still happening does happen, so I'm lucky to be able to differentiate anything at all from my own personal situation. It was a good day today. I'm glad I'm older now. I won't be stalked as much just monitored for bad behavior and honestly as long as I stay in the gutter so to speak they will leave me alone. I also can't go back to being "normal" and be like my siblings, but honestly I never was as I was raised with a very different life than them. There is a bit of an age difference though. I'm the youngest and the birth control surprise baby. I am still integrating my life and what has occurred in it to be a healthy reality in my core self though. I can't imagine doing that to a 17 year old kid, or 16, or 15 which are all of the ages the "show" took place. Ignorance of the human condition says a lot in my story though. And, my lack of core self to be able to appropriately stick up for myself throughout my life also says something though. There were men in their 40's who thought it was ok to do that. I just see 15-16 as a flipping kid now and realize how young that is. It's only been 2 years that this reality has been proven about my past. No one would ever believe me about how crazy it got as a kid or when the truth was needed to be shoved in my face again. But, jail does make more sense now. They should have put a Buddhist book (ethics for a new millenium), or psychological book (ptsd/trauma info) in the cell, but they put a purpose driven life in there with me. I think I chewed up a page. And they put a replica of my Moms robe in with me and my dad's shit. Bad move government people part of my psychotic break at 35 was my childhood shame that led up to 17. Again not psychologically knowledgeable people. No wonder they sexually tortured me at 17 they don't know what the duck their doing and it seems like years later with the internet and women being hurt they now have some type of information, but really they don't care if women get exploited financially abused. Sociopaths are hired on purpose for some jobs. Oklahoma city bombing did affect me just before the big bang, but psychopaths happen. I'm just glad my dad was a warrior back in his war days and not a psychopath. They do exist with smiles on their faces.

 

[Placebo]

Just talked.with my Mom. Probably shouldn't have. My parents out me in rehab two months after I turned 13 even though my Mom was a fall down, pass out, pee in the bed drunk. My mom did quit drinking while I was in there, but from that day forward in my house I was the alcoholic. I told her I wish she would have gone to rehab, and I would have gone to alanon, but that didn't happen. I was always the problem always my fault. If I would just lose weight I wouldn't get bullied so much (but I was bullied before I got fat). My mom used me as a therapist for my dad's mental health and their money problems all of the year I was 15. And, I wasn't supposed to tell my siblings, so I had to carry it, and give my Mom my 15 year old wisdom. She just wanted to dump their shi t on someone to feel better. I love my parents so much, and I realize they were mentally ill themselves. But, my Mom who was brought up with a good life in a higher class then I will ever know, and much higher than she raised me with way better parents (more healthy, kind, and way more appropriate socially) it's been tough to not take on as my fault for not being more evolved. I don't relate to any of my family as far as life experience. My Mom still to this day says I was hallucinating about a lot of what was real my senior year in highschool. They didn't see me as that great and better did I, so I took it in as what my parents said a hallucination. I had no support growing up as I was the scape goat, house cleaner, and counselor. My brothers fiancee died when I was 15, and I too hung out and counseled him. My dad has never used me as a counselor though. My Mom did say no matter what I have gone through I'm not completely defeated, but my Dad did raise me, and I never let him completely dominate me, so why would anyone else. The guys anger you could feel like grenades landing on you. Talking with my Mom about my childhood was tough. We agree bob, leigh, and my parents had better childhoods than me. I had it the roughest. Mainly because school was not an oasis away from my home. My dad had that, and that was his saving grace. But, there is nothing we can do now. I guess it is selfish of me to feel bad about what I'm the end helped my family. My sister said thank God I went to rehab once as it saved Mom. I did give my Mom someone to listen to her when my dad was suicidal for a short while in life. My brother did simply feel insecure when we moved to that town so he took it out on me, again I gave him something to feel better and laugh about. There are a lot of perspective I could have. I'm also glad my siblings have a good life, and my parents finally have money again, and friends, and a good life. That small town hurt all of us except my siblings who ended up very good because of it. I guess I can get into self pity when I let myself. If looking back hurts maybe I should practice being in the now more. I didn't have a chance to get better as long as my memories were missing and I had lost time. The memories kept ripping through but all confused and screwed up. The disillusionment I suffered a few years ago was good even if it hurt very badly, and I lost my final hero worship lie I will ever have again. I just thought he was the most awesome, but I'll also never be a Democrat Republican or liberal after that last one because of the person who have me a f*ck off kill yourself note. Anyway being active in politics even if just local politics is bad for my soul. I feel better now. I have to start reading someone's diary tonight. I've just been supper busy.

 

[Placebo]

New year, and I was happy to bring it in. I have some goals with my ptsd and mental health this year. The first goal is to deal with life now that I'm not in antipsychotics. They made everything ok, and put me in a bubble, but ended up having too many side effects. I was kinda high honestly; not euphoric, but numb and high. I need to get into therapy. I am a part of a 12 step recovery program, and that helps. I have no choice but to take care of my body physically as it affects mental health so much. I am on medication for depression, and a mood stabilizer which is supposed to help with low depressions, but ptsd is different from a mood disorder. I have to make healing my number one thing this year. I have gone on a lot of different paths to try to heal so far. I used a lot of self help and new age philosophies that worked so long as in was stoned and young, but I knew I wasn't a walk in (new soul old body) when I went into a ptsd cycle after a surgery. I honestly had to unbrainwash myself from a decade of that belief system. That belief system was so appealing to me because of it was true I could leave the past behind and all the pain was the former tenant of the body. Also it ment I was more evolved than most people, and that's why no one understood. The lady who we all looked up to who told me this was claiming to be the head of the galactic counsels spiritual daughter and so she was special. Her dad was in the CIA and she went to private schools and had the best money could buy growing up including long term opera lessons. I was in a small group of people that just thought she was so amazing and it was all real. I took that new age stuff in all the way, and it did help with some things honestly. It did keep me alive and going when suicide was all I had for a plan of empowerment. I knew it was crazy at some point and had to un-brainwash. It took a lot of months saying "no this is not real" to myself over and over again. I still fight the "higher self / lower self" ideology that is all ego. I guess when you have a teacher or different teachers that all want you in a meditative trance while taking in their deepest suggestions into your subconscious it takes a while to "deprogram or reprogram" yourself. I lost a decade to that new age spirituality that just kept me stagnant waiting for my life's purpose to happen. I thought I could be a healer, but did decide not to be as my friend who got me into that stuff is still working the system on disability, and making money under the table, and in debt like 120,000 for acupuncture school went that way and is totally egotistical and crazy believing she is a space alien now. Whatever works I guess, but she doesn't ever educate herself in things and preaches a lot of bad facts and medicine. Last year was all antipsychotic getting and staying sober while creating a support group in AA and just getting a small amount of self esteem in school again so that I can continue with that. I did stay on my parents couch for 5 months just sleeping and being numb on invega trying to survive with no weed smoking to make the pain go away. A life time of illusion crumbled at my feet, and no way to ever go back to a world where I was ever going to be good enough to be normal, or young enough to create a good future financially for my golden years could ever happen. I'm getting ok with the idea of being elderly in poverty and have found options I can hopefully take, but with going back to work i will probably fall into this horrible trap of to much for extreme help and too little to afford medication. I see it all the time in my old neighborhood. Elderly that just fall inbetween the cracks. I have no kids so that support is even worse, but churches seem to help some people, and another old guy I know seems to make it too with what he has, so I might be ok. Anyway, this year is about just healing enough to not hurt, and not have ptsd rule my life. It's to late to go back and think the world outside me is what it says it is. I didn't know 16 was old enough to make nonconsentual porn of, but it was I guess. I was stalked and watched and their show. I was a kid, and it took away my life. But, in feeling bad I looked up on the net other people who had made decisions that changed their life, and a lot of kids made decisions that hurt them forever. I decided to love that guy when I was fat and no one liked me. I decided he was the reason I lost weight (he did introduce to me more drugs than just pot) and he was cooler than me, so I tried to make him love me back by being a good girlfriend to him and having sex with him and trusting him. I am not alone as far as bad decisions as a kid goes one guy will have a colostomy bag for the rest of his life I just have a mental health issue. I tried to get better but honestly couldn't remember what happened or me and my parents and friends had me convinced I was crazy that summer. I didn't know what happened to me for sure and not going back and forth on what was real in the world and what was not until 38 years old. I honestly just didn't know. I thought it was kid shit like my dad would call anything that happened to me as a kid and the other things I broke and was hallucinating. It's still hard not to kill myself some days. I just want to be in a world where I'm not the biggest piece of shit alive. But, that is the ptsd I guess. I will make this year about trying to change my mind and in that brain pathways and chemical make up of my brain. I lost so much of what makes a good person in the social system of America like a job and accomplishments and normal growing up in society stuff, and I've lost the escape of what Americans in their happy brainwashed lives worshiping illusion have. I can't get pregnant so I've never had kids. I couldn't be in a relationship after what my first love did to me with half a town enjoying the show I didn't know about. I have to make peace with the facts of my life. What sucks the most is that guy who let sex with me become unconsentual porn for so many did the same thing to his next girl friend my old best friend before he and her for together. He had sex with her in her back yard, and everywhere under the sun, but she didn't have childhood bullies who hated her stalking her. She wasn't a "show" for adult men and who ever wanted to see the videos and pictures. She still lives in that town. She is a teacher and is doing pretty good. She called me with an old friend the other day partying and I didn't answer (we became friends again after he trashed her too years later). I was the only one the whole town celebrated being trashed by some 26 year old getting with the high school girls to pimp out. Men in government positions hurt girls and women too. If they have enough money their is no law, only prisoners to a nonjust world. Still to this day my core being is looked on as if I was a piece of shit for hurting back then. I should have liked it I guess. This year is going to be about trying to reintegrate back into my core. A few years ago I got tore up bad because I was stupid and said shit after a surgery. I was in a bad ptsd confused state not knowing what is real or not and just saying f*ck boys clubs who hurt teenage girls. I don't remember everything I wrote honestly. The powers that be are sociopaths and basically are totally good with me killing myself, but are now busy with something else I'm sure. Another young 16 year old, or another person like me who they deem unworthy of humane treatment. I'm glad their sadistic means of getting the behavior they want is over. I don't know how I didn't kill myself back then and I did try in that town. I don't know how I have survived this long honestly. I just know some days are happy, and some days are good, and those days are worth looking forward to. The good days though sometimes few and far between have always given me something to hope for. My nieces are now what keep me strong as a suicide would hurt them very much. Just keep going to get a good day. The good days melt away the past and the pain. If I work extra hard the good days increase and maybe I don't work for money or to produce anything in the world, but I do work my as s of for survival of the heart, and the good days that work brings about. I do work my as s off. I work hard not to kill myself in the worst days, and on the best days I work hard to appreciate the happiness I feel. Good emotions I don't take for granted and am blessed with gratitude when they do. Some people want you to feel bad emotions enough to kill yourself. I will always fight those memories of people pushing me into suicide because I didn't like them watching me have sex, and have no self esteem barely hanging on to my teenage mind. This year maybe I can get a better foundation and work hard to be happy sober. No antipsychotic, or marijuana making it betrer; just hard reality living my life. I'm not alone other people suffer for the things they did as a kid for the rest of their life. I fell in love with someone who couldn't live me back and lied or "played" me as the term became popular around the time of us breaking up. He played with my emotions saying he loved me when he didnt. He played with my mind getting me to believe he cared. He was a player and I was a stupid play toy with no rights, and no love. Long time ago. I think losing all my hero's and escape and living in a house where I would be stalked for the next 5 years hurt and made fun of did a lot of damage too. I told my parents the bullies were watching me and they said they couldn't see them and that I was crazy. I.moved and thought I could get away and at 35 didn't know my computer was hijacked. Honestly I thought any fear I had was my paranoia and a sign of mental illness. The helicopter coming way to close to my apartment unhinged my mind badly. The moment I looked up and saw how close it was I felt that crazy smile on my face, and soon snapped after. I don't know why they couldn't let it go. Why they had to take away my life over and over again. Why I was monitored and stalked so much. My exgirlfriend used to always notice weird stalking shit around me, and that's part of why I fell in love with her. She made me feel safe as she would fight anyone to protect me. I guess I didn't move far enough away. I'm 41 now, and it's no fun to watch an old bag of shit do nothing, so I guess I'm finally safe.

 

[Placebo]

They made fun of how f*cked up I was at 17. I had gotten over that guy and didn't know I was being stalked. Being stalked messes people up. I was getting healthier, but still had issues. They say it's all my faut. That I'm mentally ill. That I should have liked it. I should have liked people watching me have sex. I should have known. I was an adult. But, honestly I was only whatever adult I had to be because my parents out everything on me. I was the house cleaner, counslor, and problem from 13 on. Then at 16 they have me a break. I only knew two of the guys who stalked me and bullied me from schools name. The rest never said hi to me even. Just told me they watched me have sex, and then after I flipped out and tried to go to college that they knew what I had for dinner the night before. Why no one ever said that are you ok, can I talk to you, or gay what that guy did to you was f*cked up. They just treated me like a debutant porn who're who needed to come out of the closet. They were dominating in the fact I had to call them, but men like that dominate women, and again that industry treats women very badly as has come out. It is my bad karma to be born a woman. If I have to come back I would like to be a straight man who is monolithic and kind with parents who are not at their worst for my foundation of life. If I am lucky I will not be born with a worse incarnation, or at least when I did its over like I didn't exist. I have people who are kind in my life now. They would say hay are you ok if I was crying instead of have a big party and celebrate how hurt I am expecting me to giggle about guys who used to spit on me watching me have sex. I got stalked after that for a lot of years. Even after I moved. My ex girlfriend had been a witness and pointed it out to me, so I know it wasn't ptsd, and honestly I had been told I was mentally ill for so long I believed I was crazy. I'm just glad the DID is gone so I don't hear voices like I did in that last town. In this town it only happened when my ex and roommates were treating me like shit, and honestly I had been beaten down so hard I didn't know how to stick up for myself so I was quiet and let them.
My brother used to make fat jokes from 11-14 when his fiancee died, and he didn't have anyone else he used me as a counselor at 15 too. I was strong back then. I had a counselor and did 12 step meetings, so at the time I was happy to do what I could. I'm still happy I could help, but I didn't get help in the process. I also lied about hating myself, and lied about the bullies. I was too ashamed to tell anyone especially after my parents focused on my weight so hard. It made me feel like it was my fault. God I needed someone to come down to my level and say hay are you ok I understand you do all the cleaning for your family, you went to rehab for your family, you were the counselor for your family. But, at 17 for about 3 months I have my family hell about it. I was mean as I was hurt and ducked up over that guy and unconsciously I was ducked up about being told I was a piece of shit so much. My dad put on full control and restraint at 17 one minute I couldn't go outside and the next I could. He'd ignore me when I cried, and watched me flip out like a kid when I was really hurt the summer of 17. He was mentally ill himself though. And, he was kind of punishing me for being so mean earlier that year. He was mentally ill though so I understand now that I'm this damaged. I am damaged now. My brother made sure I knew I was a kid and couldn't hang out with the adults that year when he got intrubble for taking me to parties with him after that guy broke up with me. He was trying to help though. So when people his age 26-27 were up on me I didn't understand, but sex with underage girls was totally normal I guess, but I got trashed by an older guy, so I learned my lesson by that time. That older guy told me in the end he was a player and just playing me. I felt so stupid when the guys in my English class said I was a totally fat nerd until a 49er banged me by the back door. I felt dirty like I had been raped. In fact I have been raped, and it didn't hurt half as bad as me finding out he didn't tell me and let people do that. It was really scary too. Not knowing who had watched me, how many, and for how long. Men have continued to tell me it was my fault even two years ago. It's my fault and I was the boss of it, of me and every thing that has happened to me. Honestly I've been told how stupid I am so much I can't help but believe them. It's hard to hold my head up sometimes, but walking with your head down is proven to attract sadistic predators, so I can't risk it. Why am I still ducked up about it? Why can't I let men in to know me? I've dated like 5 guys after high school and I get so scared I clam up and just smile a lot. I can have sex, but it never last in relationships if you can't really open up emotionally. I was a little introverted after I broke up with my ex girlfriend and moved on my own. I had a lovely back window I used to stair out, and someone from the old boys club let me know they were watching. I'm to old to stalk now, and that is a blessing, but like I said I'll always be monitored. For some reason they feel the need to do so. Some days im good despite my past, and those days seem to keep me hanging on. I believe suicide is wrong, and if there is some type of existence after death I don't want a worse one. I could say or think someday when they die these people will get theirs, but honestly me this is me getting mine. What if I were a bad person in a past life and this is my lesson back at me. I have heard other people get self righteous with that, but I dont. I don't know why this stuff still hurts and keeps me up at night. Id go for the antipsychotic, but anything that messes with my dopamine will cause the prolactin to go to high my period to stop and my hair to fall out. Honestly with a government guilty of mkultra which broke kids forever and Canada did it too I shouldn't expect any thing better from the people with money and power who have the means and friends in high positions of authority over people to not do this, or look the other way when it's being done. Honestly I'm such a nerd though if I were in a high position with access to information I'd be looking up the paranormal stuff, so a lot could pass beneath my nose. There also are more important things that the destruction of one teenage life. Looking the other way, and being a part of the "cool" people with money connections and power is a fact of life I guess. But, being on disability makes me a loser, and a leach. I do nothing for society. Why would anyone care about me. I did drugs with that guy, and again that probably made me unaware of my surroundings, so to a lot of people I was a looser loadie and deserved it. What sucks is none of my friends got special treatment even though a lot of them were just as bad if not worse than me, so I got singled out, and again it's happened from the time I was 10, and moved to that town, so maybe I deserved it. I got put on a bad peoples list I thought I was black listed, but I was put on a list to hurt, control, and stalk. I was in denial really bad. I wanted to think the people who did this were so far above me they wouldn't bother with me, and things were just a coincidence. I met a guy named tree who I loved as my yogi and he loved me. He taught me to be free for a summer, and to not care what people had done in the past, and that it was ok to be me, and I wasn't a bad person. That didn't last long as I got together with my girl friend, and after about 6 months she was grating on me slowly. She has issues though, and my parents were always telling me she couldn't help it, and she couldn't, but I stayed to long. I did have an amazing summer though. I stopped crying all night, but I did smoke pot at night too. Pot is great in moderation which is something I didn't do the last few years I smoked it. I did ok until I started going to the bar and drinking then I started smoking all the time. Probably because I was hanging out with people who smoked all the time, and just got lost. I know smoking pot will never be the same though. It's been to grated into my head as bad, and I am mentally ill, so I take pills I don't smoke pot. It gets you happy anyway but if I smoke it at night before bed I get horney when I try to sleep. It's probably best I don't smoke, but I do miss that feeling like I'm ok, and not bad, and should be happy no matter what. Maybe when I'm old like really old I'll smoke it, but maybe not. People like me should take pills the government told me so. Besides I'd be lonely if I smoked pot and would lose my AA friends. They're super nice people, and ask what's wrong with me when I'm crying; they don't just tell me not to cry. The people I have trusted about that guy say he was bad to do that, and don't say it was my fault. I did finish going through puberty by 19, but my brain didn't fully develop until I was about 25 which is normal according to science. I was crying in bed, so I decided to write it out. I wish I was more of a sociopath sometimes what happened to me wouldn't have bothered me, and still wouldnt. Again my bad karma for being advanced enough to know if hurt. Women seem to be hurt when unconsentual porn is taken of them, and people seem to be upset when stalked. It seems that my reaction was very human, so why did they punish me so much. No telling with people like that. If you don't do what they want, or they don't get what they want they will hurt you. It's not that I was stuck up, or thought I was better than them; it's just the guys who did it spit on me, and hurt me when I was a kid. I felt totally raped, stupid, mortified, horrified, angry, confused, betrayed, despair, grief, starstrck, shocked, violated, alone, and lost. I shut down and went into denial when stable, and often was angry that I couldn't get help from a counselor. I was so stupid I thought as a kid I could somehow grow up and escape and be ok. I was damaged badly before I graduated high school. Being publicly tortured was my senior graduation present. How am I going to start school and do well if the ptsd is back? I guess how I've gotten A's before, and worked in the past. Just accept misery as a fact of life. When it physically hurts my body I just think of it as an old injury. I don't get emotional about the physical pain like I have now. Because I have section 8 im going to get a massage once and a while I can afford it. I'm also going to get in a little school debt and get a permanent implant in where my bridge is because I don't want to be toothless some day. It's the side of my teeth, and I think it would be very difficult for me to bear that humiliation later in life. I didn't make the call from my house, and only made it from a payphone, so even when I did have the guts to try to reach out it was too late. I couldn't call from my house. My home wasn't safe, and I had to be safe to be stable and strong. Being totally humiliated pushes men into suicide often. I've been strong enough to live and I think I have to live out this life. Again if life after death is real then I will hopefully be able to say I made up for past karma, and if God created me I can say no matter what I kept trying. If it's just over and there is nothing then I won't exist and it'll be over, so again it won't hurt then. I'll just be ashes to the wind because I want to be scattered somewhere pretty in nature. I love being outside in nature, or honestly just outside, but it's no longer conducive for my life. People just went on with there life like it didn't happen. I cant, even if the stalking is pretty much over and I'm just monitored. I didn't get suicided like a lot of people have been for trying to stand up for the right thing though. I don't have credibility or proof, so I'm alive. Even if I had proof why ruin other people's joy, and hero worship. It didn't happen to them, so they can be happy. I never did want to stop people from being happy; I just didn't want to be a whore for a nose job and boob job. I'm ugly with small tits and I'll live with that. My dad said I needed a nose job, but when he found out it was 5k said never mind. I guess I'm not the pretty daughter. Whatever he also was snubbed and treated poorly in that town. He didn't mean anything bad by it. He also used to talk about me in front of me like I wasn't there and try to buddy up with people to pick on me. I ran away, and didn't let him dominate me emotionally as much as possible, and I got angry back at him. I had my own issues. It's too late for me in most areas of life. Is like to work and do good, and yes I know I'll probably fall in that category of too wealthy for help and too poor for medication when I'm old, but living in the ghetto isn't that bad; the only reason I saw dead bodies was because of the canal and that was only twice. And gun fire doesn't scare me so long as I'm not on the top floor around New year eve of the 4th of july, or any other time. I just don't want to emotionally suffer. Maybe I can keep good psychiatric medication by that time not care if my hair falls out and be able to just watch tv and zombie it like my old neighbor. He did the thorazine shuffle, but he seemed somewhat ok; he just got psych meds only because blood pressure and diabeties meds cost too much. Pick your battles and emotional pain is the worst, even according to the Dali Lama. I agree as my emotional pain causes physical pain. So what do I want from any of the people that caused so much suffering? Nothing honestly. It would be nice not to feel like a piece of shit, but it's too late for that. It would be nice for me not to feel so powerless, but I am and that's just a fact of life. The pain is already done, and the relentless making fun of me, and making me feel like a stalked prey. The damage is done. I live in luxury now with government assistance I have a dishwasher (I don't use), a garbage disposal, granite counter tops, and two bedrooms. I have a car. I eat out sometimes, and I can buy personal hygiene stuff. I get to visit my sister in her beautiful house, and have a relationship with my neices. I have a great relationship with my parents. While I can't get pregnant I am glad I don't have kids; it may be amazing and good it also comes with problems, and it might not have been good as I got flipped off a lot in the past town, and never could hang out here with people my own age as I was scared they would find out and hurt me. I guess I can sleep now. Ya know I hope the government assistance I get doesn't make the people in the government who have been merciless to me feel more entitled to hurt me. They aren't doing it anymore, but let me tell you they do kill people who pose a threat. There is bad in every group if humans are involved along with the good. Power corrupts absolutely is the saying. I don't and will never hang out with people who have money ever. I'm a disposable piece of shit to them, and that has been made very clear to me from high school on. My feelings never mattered, only their fun. No one is watching me now really. Like I said age is a blessing when your a female. They want young and happy. Not old and damaged. A lot of my life has been taken away, and I can't get it back, but bullies will be bullies, and their everywhere no way I can get around that. Again, I'm lucky I'm old. While I wish I could go back and never get together with that guy as I was just a book nerd before I met him, and never would have been in such a bad position; I can't go back. I've been given a huge disadvantage in life compared to my friends, and siblings. It makes me feel isolated from my siblings, and friends even now, but nothing I can do. It's too late for me. I feel best when hanging out with people who have been home less and down and out. I feel like I'm around my peers even though I've never been homeless. I guess growing up lower middle class around upper middle class people made me feel even more inferior with being bullied. I guess I realized as a kid I never did have anything and I never would, but I have more then a lot, so I am very blessed. I did the best I could in high school with the coping skills, defense mechanisms, and home life I could do. It wasn't good enough, but it was all I had. I wasn't cool enough to enjoy being a low class sexual debutant who's feelings mattered. I couldn't smile at everyone and be nice when half the town was calling me a whore and laughing talking about me sucking dick. My dad is about ready to die well in his health could die at anytime. I love him very much and know he loved me as best he could. I didn't have the time of my life in my back yard. I think the best time of my life was my summer with tree. I felt good about myself, or about life at least. I felt like I was free. That is the only time in my life I felt free ever. I will always be grateful for that. I was celibate, could wear whatever I wanted in the heat, looked at beautiful stars at night, could be outside in my yard in nature, had friends who understood me, and was happy. Those were the best months of my life. That was the time of my life. I felt free, and had freedom inside. I will always be grateful for whatever good karma I had to meet such loving people who made the colors of life come back. I had lived with a gray screen over my mind and it affected even what I looked at. After high school colors were dull and lifeless. That summer the colors came back. Now it's mainly dull again, but sometimes the colors are beautiful again. The freedom I felt was amazing. It was everything I thought life could be as an adult. Now I'm 41, and after being in another abusive relationship (my fault for staying so long), and being traumatized again a few years back: I guess I deserved it though: I couldn't deny what happened anymore: maybe it was a good thing even though it hurt because I realized I had no choice but to flip out: low class redneck sex debutant was a mortifying thing to go through at 17 and not out of high school yet. I don't blame myself as much anymore for my reaction as I understand it more. I read a lot, and even though my parents were considered classless my Mom grew up going to the Disney mansion as a kid, and getting famous artist painting lessons, and in Cambria etc, my dad spoke languages and lived around the world with my mom in the military. I might have been a red neck and white trash to the people in my back yard, but I had a different life then my parents. My dad always had friends with money growing up so did my mom they were both popular and I just was the problem, the kid that was born regardless of my mom being on birth control and my siblings raised me until I was 10 the best they could. From 10-12 I was on my own and got fat sitting on my butt watching tv or reading. I spent my summers in the library. I may seem like a potty part on here, but I just understand why I broke now. Why I'm damaged, and it's not all a fault. I hated myself for so long because I internalized everything. I kinda didn't have a choice. Everyone was telling me negative things, or just giving me a hard time, or just joking in a cruel way. Honestly with that many people saying your bad how can you deny it. With that many negative neural pathways being solidified at such a young age what could I do? My brother gave me $500 once and said their that's for being so bad to you as a kid. He told all his friends I had a psychotic break and didn't tell them why except it was all the drugs (he didn't mention psych meds). I'm just always going to be a piece of shit I guess. I give up. I'll never be as good as my siblings, or as happy, or be able to be proud of myself. I wish sociopaths didn't get a hold of me as a kid. I'm on the John Lang stalking list here, but I'm no threat, and honestly they have gotten people to kill themselves, some kill themselves later because of ptsd. If I was pretty with a better body back then someone would have been kind and said "let me talk to you" instead I got "are you ready for the real drugs" I never had a chance in life, but welcome to the real world. Most people don't have a chance at life. If I was a black person I would have been in prison already (it's sad, horrible, but true). I wish my body didn't hurt so bad because of ptsd. There is a book by Cathy O'Brian I will probably get about ptsd. She had DID and was hurt was worse than me. I hope her story is true because if she is a lie that would just be sick to do to people. I think I kept myself safe from an early death with knowing what was coming in someways. I knew before it got there, but not soon enough to keep myself safe. I'm Buddhism one saying goes that if at the gates of death shall you meet a hate keeper you should tell them you have burnt down the house, you have burnt down the foundation there is nothing left. Showing that your ego is gone you will get into the heaven realms. I believe that is real as all of my experiences have shown it to be true and science backs up the theory of many worlds and many dimensions. I would like to go home when I die. To a safe home with beings that have love and compassion.

 

[Placebo]

I can't sleep I hate this. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. Get on the antipsychotic and lose my hair, have my hormones wack all.just not to feel, or what live like this. It hurts so bad to get singled out and treated differently poorly worse than others. I wish I had my mom growing up when I was little. The sober mom during the day like my siblings, and a sad who wasn't passed off all the time or supper depressed. He said last week that he would have stayed in the military, but the schools in Germany weren't good. f*ck I didn't learn anything in school I was just surviving. My brother didn't do well in school, but my sister did do.good after we moved. It just hurts I'm so alone. I could have a million dollars right now and is still be in pain. I remember some older guy saying go home to your mommy after they had made a huge joke out of me being sexually hurt so bad. It hurts still really bad. It hurts to be put on display for being stupid and told how awesome it is that your a show. They torture people.really bad in some.circles. Women really really really bad. If we don't put out if we don't like it if we cry if we want freedom of we want to be treated like a human. They hurt us really bad in some circles. I know I was supposed to kill myself. I know the only way to make the hurt stop is to kill myself, but I cant. I just can't do that to my nieces and leave them with a scared heart so predators can use their hurt the way he and others used mine. They pray in hurt people and hurt them even more or just use the shit out of them. I wish I had my brother life growing up, or was the first born. My parents did the girl stuff with my sister, and we're so tiered when they had me. They were tiered when I was growing up. It just hurts to have had such a different life, and not taking it in as my fault for so much of it is so hard. I need to get into therapy just to hear "it's not your fault you did the best you could" I'm in aa and everything is partly our fault. We're selfish and self centered in that program. I was selfish to run away and hurt my parents even though they were hurting me and I couldn't go to school and be bullied like that anymore. I tried to go to.college and it was bad there, and every where I went the rumors followed. I tried school in a different town but I ended up suicidal and scared all the time at that school someone would find out what a piece of shit I was. I tried working but every job I had they found out and I got bullied. I'm 41 and am considered mentally ill. Everything is bipolar no one will accept anything else except my psychologist who diagnosed for the state. She said I had complex ptsd but also said it's not in the dsm 4, and she was upset they didn't put it in the dsm 5. She then said ok I have ptsd. She did not think I was bipolar in anyway shape or form. So ok im.mentally ill, so what, why does that make me worthy of being hurt? I feel so ashamed of my life. I'm on disability, and have no where to turn. The last two times I was overtly stalked and had ptsd, and was scared I flipped out and lost my friends that I had. They all said take your medication, and said I was schizophrenic or bipolar and I was in a psychosis but the psychopaths were back. The guys who hurt teenage girls and can kill people and get away with it. About a week and a half before my graduation sex debutant debut happened was Oklahoma city bombing, then during this celebrity non consensual porn joke destroying me a good friend died. She was strangled and it really bothered me, but all I could think of was what my dad and brother and sister taught me growing up "don't let them get a rise out of you" but I was going in and out of psychosis. After it was all said and done they continued to stalk me. I was sober, and I was trying really hard. I had attempted suicide a few times and ended up in cardiac critical care for a few days due to one of the attemps, but they still wouldn't stop. If I had proof I would be dead, not only if I was going to use it. I'd just be dead for possessing such proof. Even for saying things like f*ck the boys club on Facebook only to me they came back to hurt me really bad. They don't care who They hurt my family is just people who aren't important. No one is safe, and that's why so many people walk the line and don't leak information to wikileaks or anywhere like that. You end up dead. If you have real juice on someone they will kill you, or real proof of illegal things going on in the government they will kill you. If you don't do what they say and your in their organization you may end up getting so harassed you have to quit, or worse off you get blacklisted and live like one of us. The people with no rights. It's stopped now. The bad stuff, but I can't get back anything I lost, and I can't get back anything I never had. Emotional pain mental pain physical pain well I guess I learned a valuable lesson, too bad one of the lessons was just not to be young and gullible, or to think just because you have some type of morals people.Will respect that. At 16 I thought it was ok to sleep with him because I was in love and he said he loved me. I guess I should have waited until I was married. Don't be young was a lesson I guess I couldn't learn. I did do drugs for 5 months after my best friend got together with my boyfriend Crystal meth, but I quit because it made me ducking crazy to stay up for a week at a time, and I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I did miss the extacy drug trend and didn't do it and the rave stuff, but it wasn't my thing anyway. I've cried so much in this life. If I only could have been a whore it would have been ok. I wanted to be in love honestly back then. I thought it was ok if you were in love, but I didn't communicate that, or much of anything else. I haven't been able to be in a serious relationship with a man after that. I haven't met anyone I like honestly. I've tried but I just can't open up and I don't know why but I'm weird now after not being able to be in the masses. I'm also damaged and on nights like tonight I've been crying most of the time. Is losing my hair worth being on psych meds and only having one mood, one mode, and needing to sleep 13 hours a day that bad. Not getting a period having extra weight on me always being bloated but I'm not sad or tortured just numb. I know women get raped by famous people all the time and it's Hollywood so well as long as your not famous well f*ck you. I just wish it wouldn't have been so many. One person is one thing ducking groups of them watching you have sex and stalking you at your house is another. My sister's brother had a video camera and I'm sure these little rich kids had them too. No one could help me if they wanted. Being blacklisted means you have no rights. I wish it just meant you didn't exist. A sleepless night. Great. I'm supposed to do stuff tomorrow, but wont. Is losing my hair really that bad and having bald spots? Maybe I could get calonzopin of atavan or something again. My shrink of 8 years said I'm not bipolar or schizoidaffective or crazy. She used to be a cop at one time. She knew I had feachures of DID and then it was just complex pts d then just pts d as I worked to get better. I couldn't leave my house from 31-33 I was scared to go to the grocery store honestly it was from 29-33 when I worked at Starbucks some guy knew who I was and almost jumped the counter and was psycho. He knew exactly who I was. I was 29 then and after my ex girlfriend pointed a lot of stalking to me the two years we were together before then I just couldn't handle it. What kind of boys club goes this far. Something happened at 33 a spiritual awakening of sorts that changed me though, and it hasn't been that bad sense. I would stay in my house those 3 years and hardly leave. I did have a period from 30-31 where I was free but only with some friends and I had to stay away from the good parts of town. The people with money hurt me growing up, so I just try to stay away from those areas like where I used to work. Neighbor just left for work. All nighter again. Maybe I should try writing on paper? I never write stuff out. I'm so tiered, and I hurt, but when I lay down I just toss and turn. Losing my hair and having wakcked out hormones might be worth it. I'm not alone. Other people have been hurt like this. Some worse than me. My sister talks bad about people like me system users and people who go to school forever but says it's not me that she isn't talking about me. Her kids don't know she isn't talking about me and say stuff like when are you going to be done with school often. They live me, but my sister is teaching them to look down on people like me. My whole family looks down on people like me. I have never been good enough. I was a anorexic for years to be skinny enough and it never made a difference really to anyone but my mom who loved it. The thing they all said as a kid that was all my fault and would make my life better was if I was skinny. That was a priority over school even. My mom used to get drunk and say I had to work on my personality as a kid because my looks wouldn't get me far. I don't know how to make this better. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I wish I didn't move. I don't feel like I have a safe space, and not feeling safe where I live is causing my ptsd issues. I didn't deserve a safe home after 16 is the message I got. I didn't have one after 16. Good people are to scared to help people like me and come forward. I need to sleep.

 

[Kubash16]

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