Not supposed to tell

[Placebo]

I wish someone would have stood up for me or with me for once in my life instaed of saying it's cool hurt her make her suffer and crawl on her knees. They really hate women in some circles. Buy, honestly just me, and it is personal. It's been my whole life.

 

[Placebo]

This isn't a therapist, so I guess I better stop. Ptsd is the cruelest of things to be given and purposely tortured into and through. I still feel constantly watched mocked and judged. I used to spend hours sobbing in my room because I just couldn't feel safe like someone wasn't watching me judging me, and waiting to jump out and keep me stuck under their power. Being subjugated degraded and passed around as a sick story is also hard. Ptsd is a very painful gift to be given. That was all they ever did for me. Make me suffer and hate me for being a human.

 

[somerandomguy]

Hey @Placebo, it sounds like you are in a really bad place right now.

When's the last time you saw a doctor? Or a psychiatrist?

 

[Placebo]

I see a doctor every few months. I'm on medication. I need to get into therapy. I also was in a very bad ptsd cycle until yesterday when I realized how deep the effects were to my identity as a human being. I'm relaxing on the Buddhism for a long whike, and just going to focus on mindfulness. I am also starting to do what I have to do in order to learn and heal. I just found out about Peter Levine who is the founder and an expert of trauma therapy. We used to be diagnosed as schizophrenic mainly until he started working with Vietnam vets and became a world's leading experts on recovering from trauma. I'm not sure if your familiar with MK Ultra, but ignorant people had used these methods as a means for control in different agencies. And, there are a lot of survivors. It was openly discussed in the Church hearings with congress. There are a lot of survivors. And, I'm not alone. Circumstance made my case a prime example and unique situation for study through observation, and if course there are bad people in every institution. I was systematically overwhelmed and shocked, but that is neither here nor there as in regards to this post. Thank you for your concern. My previous therapist was a retired female police officer who used to work very complicated sex trafficking stings. She agreed that the methods used in me were pretty much the same as what she saw in that industry in order to use women for sexual use and sales for lack of a better way of stating it.
I'm better now. The worst was printed of my thoughts as I was sitting there them here. This is a journey and I should also write of the recovery not just the deep traumatic thoughts formed in a ptsd cycle. Thank you again.

 

[somerandomguy]

OK, well I'm glad you're getting help. To be honest, your posts do seem very much like what someone with untreated schizophrenia might write - not that I'm a doctor. I hope you continue to improve.

 

[Kubash16]

I’m so glad you are seeing a doctor. I would urge you to really, really try to find a therapist. They can help you stabilize a little more. I was a bit worried because some of the posts have been concerning. That’s not to say you shouldn’t write down your thoughts, you absolutely should. But, working through those thoughts with a professional could really help. :hug:

 

[Placebo]

I’m so glad you are seeing a doctor. I would urge you to really, really try to find a therapist. They can help you stabilize a little more. I was a bit worried because some of the posts have been concerning. That’s not to say you shouldn’t write down your thoughts, you absolutely should. But, working through those thoughts with a professional could really help. :hug:

Thank you so much for your kindness. I was in flight or fight while writing this, and could do neither. An old pattern of internalizing trauma caused me to want to take out the emotional pain and overwhelm of flashback on my body thus what verbalized itself was the desire to rip off my flesh and disembowl my stomach. I instead took that energy and cried or walked giving me an outlet to release the emotional energy that as worded e-motion kinetic expression of chemical production causes. Movement helped heal as found in all trauma recovery information available. It doesn't matter what happened in the past or my lack of ability to properly express that as this site is helping me formulate sentences and the expressive ability which again is a part of healing trauma.
Your kindness, concern, and words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Your actions in communicating them to me is a part of my healing as I can understand the mental misconception of perception that I had during the time of trauma which is that I am alone and no one cares. I was reliving my trauma continually for a few days as reflected in my writing. I will take your wisdom to heart and become more proactive in my healing and less proactive in seeking escape from existence as I know it. Thank you again you did and do help. :)

 

[Placebo]

Ptsd hangovers suck so bad. I'm emotionally good and stable, but my body hurts so bad. I'm not tiered so much as I slept pretty hard and good last night; just physically hurt and tiered as my muscles are finally relaxed and able to be sore. And, now to document some healing when I write. I need to solidify with expression the progress in words, and not just the darkness as it will strengthen the neropathways of healthy conditioning with the affect being to over ride trauma and or suffering as an automatic system and way of operation in my physical make up of body and brain.

 

[Placebo]

OK, well I'm glad you're getting help. To be honest, your posts do seem very much like what someone with untreated schizophrenia might write - not that I'm a doctor. I hope you continue to improve.

That is a part of why so many victims in the past have been hurt so badly. No Catholic priest would molest a child...... Nice judgement and complete disregard for someone else's reality. DID is also thought of as schizophrenia to some. Maybe you might not want to read my post. Just a thought..... No one would believe you is why the upper class and privledged get away with so many things. Hay you know R Kelly in the USA is a perfect example. How do you know it wasn't him? People pay goons to silence victims. Yes maybe you might not want to read about this stuff anymore.

 

[Kubash16]

@Placebo, I can guarantee Somerandomguy wasn’t judging. He’s simply noting what this looks like. There is absolutely nothing wrong with schizophrenia or DID, he’s not saying it as something bad. It was only out of concern, I can promise you that.

I would agree with him that some of your posts do reflect untreated schizophrenia, again not a bad thing. I know lots of disorders can be confused and misdiagnosed. I’m not saying yours was, neither of us are doctors so we can’t be the ones to say what you’re battling.

The reason some of the posts look that way is the obsessive nature they have when it comes to worldly events (such as priests) that haven’t directly affected you. Maybe they have, and I’m reading wrong. I’m just worried because sometimes those obsessions can get in our heads too much and we begin to self harm and sometimes get suicidal ideation with it.

I’m really glad you stated that you would be backing off of Buddhism for a bit. While I have nothing against that religion/lifestyle and think it can be great for some people, it seems to have the opposite effect on you. It seems more harmful than good.

Once again, we are just worried and hope you are doing okay. No matter what you are battling, none of us are saying anything in judgement. Only concern and care. We know what being severely dysregulated is like.

 

[Placebo]

Noted lesson for the day. I am not stupid. When not in ptsd cycle: statistics, and math along with all classes in school are supper easy and I do rather well. Ptsd makes things harder than they are, and I should not judge myself or take my identity as the person during flashbacks. My job is also do able while in those places. Working with the department of rehab is good and is helping. I will be ok to permanently get back to work if I can get through this degree completion program...... a master's degree might also be possible. Keep going through this phase of recovery, and no one needs to believe me that doesn't change my story.

 

[Placebo]

Furthermore, me needing others to validate my reality and allowing me to think it wasn't real and I was schizophrenic caused my DID. I won't go back to that hell. Also thinking I'm that week to completely crumble due to one small town and a few boys chasing me out of school also degraded me into a nonfunctioning state of weakness and learned helplessness that the reality of denial created. f*ck em I know who raised me. While there are many faucets to my parents issues while I was growing up being weak was not one of them. I am not weak or I would have joined that army of illusion and ego. I would have turned my back on my hero's who rebelled against the oppression of the ignorance and the status quo of the time. I would have sold out. I'm not that weak.