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Not supposed to tell

They didn't help.me f*ck they didn't even try. When your trying to help.someone you talk to them you don't force them to do what you want. You don't make them think their crazy. You don't assume what they think. You ask questions. The only thing any one asked me (someone called and said he knew me from the institution I was in for a week) to meet them and I told them to meet me where I was turning in an application to work. It was some supper old guy (he was at least 55 more like 60 and I was 17) he asked me "are you ready for the real drugs" I said some smart as s thing about plucking little girl flowers and he walked away pissed. I'm not doing drugs with some f*ckin old guy he'll no I'm not sucking your dick freak! That was the only time anyone ever arranged to talk to me. The rest was screaming yelling and saying "call me" but between my seeing the future a few days in advance and and my parents and shrinks all saying I was crazy I was so twistedly hurt I honestly thought I was crazy. I had to be who spits on someone stalks them hates them bullies them video raped them and expects to be loved? Who the f*ck does that? I'm sorry for what we did as kids And hay my name is ....... would have been a lifesaver back in the day like a life raft. I didn't get that I got this eerie quiet no one was around except maybe old guys driving by and people being cruel as all hell. I thought I was hallucinating especially after the tv got taken over. Wouldn't you think you were hallucinating if your tv started talking to you and everyone was telling you your crazy and your on and off psych meds trying to make the pain stop and the only people calling you up to talk or meet places is an old guy who wants to give you drugs probably Most likely to get his dick off. that would make you think your crazy right. For years that was the joke people would laugh and tell me I was schizophrenic knowing I wasnt. But, I thought I was for years. Then a few years after this happened the ptsd kicked in to a bother level and DID hit bad I heard voices for another decade I used to count 200 insults in under 45 minutes a night. I doubt sleep hardly cried all the time and the more medication i took the worse it got. I did get the voices to stop though at about 32 completely. They would come and go depending on how depressed with ptsd I was. Abuse always made them come back. I've been voice free for about almost 10 years. I did talk to myself a couple of times in the two psychosis I had due to continued stalking and pts d with too much weed mixed with herbs. I shouldn't go into another psychosis though now that I'm off diet herbs and sleeping and no longer want to smoke weed or anything at all. I don't want to live any more honestly, but I have to because I won't kill myself and suffer more. If I could die today or tomorrow by arranging it with the universe I would chose that option, but it's both there so I guess I will seek non self impermanence realizations until the natural process of death occures. I'm so looking forward to it. I don't hope anymore. Hope is a tragedy waiting to be realized. I've never dealt with anything as sadistic as people who are deep into revenge porn and enjoy non consensual porn non consensual relationships and non consensual volunteers into their sadistic power plays. I am so looking forward to death. I will enjoy it even if I don't end up completely free of rebirth in all realms. I didn't sell my soul to the devil and let me tell you that devil is amazingly powerful in this world we call earth. I don't want the effects of telling kids sex and drugs are the way to go and illusion is God oh hell f*cking no. I'm good that's a physics nightmare when every effect you've had on all the atoms and atomic particle in this world catch up at death. I saw that one two days before they showed up and f*cked up my mind with it all. I got lucky as far as that goes. Oh he'll no I won't sell my soul for money. f*ck you dude Crowley and all the illuminate shi t is a joke. Straight physics and old time religion seem to go hand and hand and are proving each other true to date. I also.can't go into a life controlled by actors in power who raped my soul either though and that's what it was in the end a spiritual rape, emotional rape, mental rape. Epstine island was where they all wanted to go back in the day. It was all Monika Lewinsky fault bill was a bit and boys will be boys He s so funny and cool and everyone loves him so it's ok for him. She's the devil. Can you believe we have computers, we are teleporting atoms, we have self.driving cars, but women still get to wear the big scarlet A. It's f*cking insane to me. No one talked to me eexcept an old man offering me real drugs. Shut my parents were so broke good was scares at times I just wanted to work and not be a whore. I didn't even know what was going on. One minute is be like "is this real" look around and think "no" they pushed you over the edge the bullies won. In real life they always win. Hollywood bullies the f*ck out of each other. I keep waiting to hear more people claim cultural appropriation, and more black list words as F#g is now a black list word. I got in trouble even though I have an x wife. Black people still said black list back in my day even though a black list is totally racist and it's roots are racist. Black can't come in...... I have lived through some psychological hell. Safe space they want their kids to have a safe space well they raped the f*ck out of my safe space and went deep into my mind. I understand it will never be ok. I got it in f*ck ed for life. I hoped I wouldn't be, and tried so hard any way I could to move on, but hope once again is my greatest tragedy and hope will only hurt to death. Today is a bad pts d day. I'm isolating but have shot to do. I lost it sobbing while doing homework today I couldn't get that raped feeling to stop. It isn't about genetailia when I feel that pain. It's this deep powerless being over powered unable to defend myself or fight back pain. I can't even explains it. It makes me feel dirty but not in a sex way it feels dirty like I want to hear off my skin and rip out my stomach kind of pain. That one makes me sob. That's the hard one to deal with. The feeling of just not being able to make it stop the violation that is happeneing. It makes you want to rip your skin off it hurts so bad. The most f*ck ed up pain neither just physical or mental but all emotional pain and trauma. Using get that often anymore but my mom lived with me while it made me cry for a decade. They tortured the shi t out of my parents as well. No one wants to have to hear their kid that broken and suffering but the bad Catholics priest are nicer than some of the monsters employed by governments and that for real. They get so off on hurting people. ANd, it's never going to stop. Global warming may happen but these guys will still be close to the top. We could have a fraction of people left alive in the planet and because of their connections they will be together and alive with other people I guess. It's been a tough day. That skin tearing guy renching pain kicked my ass. Psychological torture is an interesting thing and according to the trained government guys once they get into the psychi it's over. I was just a kid I never had a chance. It was over before it even started. I never had a chance in hell even if God the universe or what ever power that governs psychic ability tried to warn me. I still didn't have a rats chance in hell. Yelling thing days before it happened just made me feel crazier in the end. Psychological torture is a gate way into the body. Not just flesh causes physical pain unfortunately. I don't know why my stomach feel s like every cell is filled with electrical pain when the bad flash backs hit except that's how it felt like when I was in high school getting home schooled at the time. When I lost it the pain would go and is think I could handle it then I'd turn on the radio and ducking lose it again. BUt, I did think I was crazy. It was a self defense mechanism I guess to think I was crazy because when it felt like a big bang bang joke my stomach hurt and the pain was physically unbearable and is twist back into a psychosis. As a total piece of sh it looser rejected kid who had very few friends in high school no I would really hang out with. Some guy at the end of school.almost spit on me and said make new friends because I knew a lot of freshmen in my senior year but because of the seniors ignored me and iced me out I just hung out with whoever wanted to at the time. That's when the stomach pain first started anyway after the big bang joke. It has gotten worse as I've moved and authority keeps stalking me or did I guess. I get that they think my name is stupid bitch. It was stupid girl when I was a teenager but it's moved into bitch now that I'm a woman that is. Life is very cruel to so many. Why people want to go to heaven is beyond me. I want it to be like I never existed so there is nothing no pain no thoughts or memory of me. I want it to be like I never existed the tragedy of hope could never have started. I'm other dimensions you remove your previous incarnations I don't want to remember this one or any other one that ever existed. Being stalked is a trip it f*cks you up long after its over and this is scientifically proven its not like they need to experiment to know these facts. Being tortured psychologically we also have on file the outcomes again this is nothing new to anyone. Cause and effect they like it. They did it they do it they kept repeating it they like it. I can't stop them from being who they are inside. I don't listen to music I don't watch tv. Sometimes I'm happy but today is another pts d day. I remember some spoiled punk kid looked at me and said "you got caught" and I felt so ashamed so guilty. LookinG back I got caught having sex with my first love who I was with for I've a year. I still don't know what I did wrong. I loved him and he lied about living me. I didn't lie to him or cheat on him or try to do anything but make him happy (I was young I don't try to make anyone feel anything now that I'm old). I still to this day don't know what I did to him or any of those guys to hurt me so much. I wanted to be their friend before I knew they did that to me. They ignored me or have me kinda dirty stink eye looks at school so I just stayed away. That was a long time ago though. It's to late to do anything now about anything couldn't hang out with normal popular or normal people after that though I was so scared they would find out about me after I moved so I just kinda his and tried to find other rejects or freaks as my dad calls everyone I know. My brother calls my friends rejects well the few he met in town so I just gave up on my family I'm the abnormal one. and I'm not good enough i Just give up on the outside world. The truth is I don't belong. I even was convinced by this crazy new age lady that I was a alien from another dimension for a few years. I think I just wanted to not feel like such a piece of shit about my life like I was special and not damaged because I went crazy in 95. I would like to die sooner than later but because I don't make that decision in the end I have to find a way to live until then. Some days The pts d isn't so bad bad then it's really good if I stay presant. Hope is the most pathetic thing I have ever done to my self so I don't hope anymore for the future. Hope has caused so much torture in my life I won't do it again. Some days aren't so bad. I guess I just wait until those days appear again. I don't know why they tortured me so bad. I used the n word after that and apologize to every black person I've been friends with after that. I don't know why those guys saw me crying for months and video raped the worst of it never saying "are you ok, can I help, or do you need help, something like that. Months later when I got my teeth fixed they just said " hay a 49er f*ck ed you and we watched. " I don't get It why would I love them after they didn't even say sorry. Why didn't they try to be my friend when I was crying? Why did they just get people to scream and yell at me wgen I wasfinally full of hope and happy and dressed mostly like a Tom boy I didn't want and wasn't tryi ng to be sexy. Why Wouldn't They be my friend when I needed a friend when I was sad. No they just set me up to be humiliated in front of a bunch of famous people and government spooks who were all about epstines island. great hear comes another election where we ca all get fed more shi t about what is not real in the world of true powerr. .
 
I hate these days I want to rip off my skin to stop the hurt. It doesn't make sense unless you've been tortured yourself. Writing helps on this site. I don't know why but it soothes the hurt. It's not always a thought of the past. It's not always thinking. It's this feeling this thing that comes over you full force. I understand some people get their jollies from being cruel and hurting others. I get this I lived through this. I know these people will always be out there I see it when people get internet shamed and people just totally jump on board and go ape shit on someone. Sadisim is alive and well in this ground floor just above the hell realms. Some days it's bad like today. I can honestly say it's been a while science I've wanted to repeat my skin off and rip out my own stomach. I have seen the worst of hate. I don't care if you call it love, if you call it playing, if you call it bobadebepop: hate is a feeling, a action, a energy that affects the person you babadebepop so long as you don't say hate it's ok I guess. It hurts today. Obnoxious sadistic glee is a tough one to handle cruel smug condescending self righteous indignation is a hard thing to face when your the target. The thing. I can't wait to die. They won't be in my heavan. They won't be in my heaven because honestly they wouldn't fit in. I'm my heaven people have no body no earth no air no lungs. Our energy movement and shifts are breath enough with no 3rd dimension. Our energy "vibes" if you will are so solid they are out breathing and slight movement of subatomic particles is our heart beat no flesh and blood there. We have access to other worlds and other beings as different from us but we are kind to all diveristy. They wouldn't like it having equanimity and no secrets to hide. Nothing goes to the grave up there as no one has anything sick they need to hide. Just a thought. Power needs a subordinate to do what it says. Equanimity has no subordinates no one less than to hurt. Even if I can't reach liberation in this life I have had things happen that make me know with out a doubt I'll be ok when I die. The older I get the closer death comes. They can make sure I'm tortured here for as long as they want, but they can't keep me alive. I don't think God ever held using the N word against me I think God (I don't be live in a creator, but more of a higher deva) would have seen the insanity of what was being expected of me and done to me. It was f*cking insane to do that to some kid in her home. I understand they are a bunch of sadistic pricks In power but it doesn't make it any better knowing what they are inside. They are sociopathic psychopathic bastards ok we know they make angels repulsed and all they want to do is f*ck them. Like real higher etheric beings get repulsed and they really would try to stick their dic k in a real Angel if they could. They honestly are not capable of feeling emotional remorse or pain. They are nerologically defective but perfect for their job I guess. They do not feel higher refined feelings. They are often spoiled brats that f*ck their hiered help in some circles honestly. Jesus would puke a little in his mouth of he met them. They are heavy like led inside with no remorse for others suffering. They aren't capable of it. Others a re just sadistic pigs raping and running away but if you look at it America has many Jimmy Savils. People who work to get into power. They would hate a multidimensional reality. Earth and bricks and stones is about as good as it gets for some. Jimmy did it...... Turns out he had some dark stuff on the side of being so great. Psychological torture isn't above any of them. Murder isn't a big deal but it is kind to do to some and they know it. Pushing someone into suicide is a better high for those guys. Any way Jimmy Savil had lots of friends turns out he wasn't such a great guy. But, as long as he didn't touch the highest of the highs sons it was ok I'm the end he hurt the "not special" ones. Whatever when Martin Luther king was matching they had the FBI all up on his shi t trying to get him to surrender. Now the FBI acts like they embodied the Martin Luther king anti segregation movement from the start. No they probably f*cking killed him well the good ol boys club a group of guys inside probably did. Yep as long as they don't hurt the anointed ones the rocks made in God's image........ Is God still a white guy because history says he isnt? What about the blue people or the planet's that have space technology. In this huge universe your telling me God made this the only one? f*ck who is this crazy one planet one man (no woman) God that forgives everything just by saying the magic words Jesus forgive me? Anyway, I'm closer to death than their kids their kids can deal with global warming or anything else I'm out of this f*cking crazy place when I'm done. I totally understand non self and everything else I read on Buddhism I understand duality and non duality but haven't realized non self yet that is a big one to do in this life time. I would like to be free forever. Jimmy Savil well I was 15 when they started stalking me so that's old enough to plan to torture right? Well some came along when I was 16 that's old enough to torture. Rocks and bricks as intellectually refined and learned as rocks and bricks. Sociopaths never cease to amaze me. Bricks and rocks think a teenage girl will love being surprised by that. No it tortured me into insanity it hurt that bad something your spoiled ass will never have to comprehend is all. They are spoiled to have had such good lives they were never hurt the way they hurt me. To do something to someone else that you can't imagine is pretty sick. No one asked me to be their friend when I was crying. People said I sucked dick and that was the whole song the whole story. No one said they were sorry when I cried. No one asked me if in was ok they just pushed me into suicide. Why does it make me want to rip off myskin? They didn't physically touch me and it's not about my vagina so why do I want to rip off my skin? Why do want to rip off my skin and flesh? Why does it hurt like that? A tear stuck in the back of my eye gag reflex active and my stomach electrocuted why rip off my skin why does it do that? I won't come back here to earth when I die. I don't worship a rock in space and know more about science than that. I also have had things happen that is dangerous for me to forget. The multiverse knows all about me there are No secrets in other dimensions above this. I've had some things happen that I can't forget things to big to real to go back in to a life that says the air is empty space. There is no such thing as empty space in earth. Things have happened before the tsunami that I can't deny like I have done in the past. Things that no one will believe but are real none the less. This life is so short. It'll be ok when I die and I won't have to see them the Jimmy savils or his tools that do what some sick f*ck in charge says to do. So many proofs of a multiverse. So many proofs. Just breath no matter how bad the bad days hurt. Wouldn't it be cool if most people were good inside. I don't know they can justify torturing someone but they did with me and they did it again just so i would know for sure. It hurts a lot but it's supposed to and they all know it. I will die someday they can't take that away from me. That is one thing I can hope for but won't as hope is it's own tragedy.
 
So this is a fun fact. I reacted like a human. I was devastated that people had secretly watched me as a live sex show (which the live part made it feel.so much more f*ck ed up creepy), and when I found out all the cool Hollywood famous music people saw me not only have sex, but also watch me totally have a breakdown that winter of all my childhood shit catch up with me, and my break up with my first love who left me for my only close friend and !e sobbing about how much I hated my self. I lost it I admit it. My parents just kept telling me I was crazy and needed medication when I tried to talk to them that it didn't happen but I swear they talked to my brother about the boys club on the hill and he said something like he might have heard something, but then they would tell me no your crazy. I still don't know what fully happened with my family because they deny everything so bad once they start losing to themselves they believe it (they have mental issues like everyone else). I lost it bad like one day I would be a little kid the next I would be ok the next I would be like someone with adhd. They were playing mind games and I could question things although I didn't put mustang with horse until this year and used to think it was boody fresh shanie on a song until this year. I never knew what the Shawnee ment. Anyway I was so devastated and honestly confused as I told my dad what was gonna happen a few days before it happened and so when it did happen I thought I was hallucinating as I was when I told my dad stuff. After about a week or two started kind of going in and out of emotional induced psychosis. Mostly because it hurt so much. I loved in a town of 20k where girls and women thought blow jobs were for whores only and I was called a stupid birch to my face when they could at that point. At any point someone could have said "hay can I talk to you" to my face not so big and huge screaming call me and going on and on about sex as the main topic like. I wasn't against communicating; shit I met some guy at taco bell when he called to meet even though I wasn't sure who he was. No one did that no one yelled cut. Basketball players acted like a painting crew totally lieing and deceitful it was all a big mind f*ck. I don't like it. I couldn't handle it. I lost it and it has to hurt really bad to go into psychosis. Most emotional and mental suffering doesn't end up in psychosis. It has to be excruciating for the mind and body to change the brain chemistry into a psychosis. And, yes it was painful physically and emotionally. I didn't do what the men wanted so they got mad at me for it. They got mad I used the n word, and I get it I do. I never made anyone feel gang raped with half a town behind me, but I did use that word in the worst way possible witch psychosis or not is probably one of the worst things a person can do. It wasn't just the word they got mad at me for not doing what they want. If it as just the n word then that's all they would talk about how bad I was, but if they were hateful to me over different thing s other stuff would have been sai d, but I was never called a racist. I was called a red neck out of the gate and other insults, but........ Anyway
I was tormented badly and then they got mad at me for not being an abnormal human. I reacted quite normal for being of the human condition in the situation I was in. I was in my own home trying to deal with this stuff honestly. In my safe space that was supposed to be my home I lived in. They took over my home and basically kicked me out of my mind. No one asked me to hang out nothing one on one converstaion, but I was so upset I didn't want to hang out with anyone I needed time to get over it. They tortured me for being human. I can't even hash tag me too about anything. No one would say me too to what happened to me. Not even the epstine island girls. I don't think Hollywood ran into their homes after they got away at 17 or the government took turns stalking them in their computers. But, maybe? They probably did do a lot of stalking with those girls as epstine had some powerful party buddies. Just to make sure they had no proof of anything that could incriminate one of their high masters. Their old royal kings have life time privlage. We don't have public servants but, I guess I should be greatful to no longer live in delusion that is so obviously not reality. I was really crazy for a long time and believed in Santa clause as a kid until 9, the tooth fairy until 8, and the illusion Americans live in everyday. Even the ones running the government are crazy as f*ck with mental illness. Delusion is defined as: belief or altered reality that is persistently heals dispute evidence to the contrary. I lived in delusion for so long. We have elected kings with fools like Jimmy Savil. A lot of people have mental illness my PTSD is mental illness, but so is delusion. And sociopath, psychopath, and narcissist are all considered mental illness as well. I am fearful they have helped me out with my delusion disorder which some of them still have they believe the "Jesus forgive me" saying is like "open-seas-a-me" to higher dimensions upon death. ANnyway. I was tortured for being a girl not quite a woman yet, and tortured for being human, and then for pissing them off. I couldn't win of it was won of you lose fat in there crazy mad haters house of hell. They have access to suck shi t for free in their data bases, but kept me for fun anyway. My life has been completely deprived of any chance at not being completely isolated in my story. I chat tell.anyone hardly anything about myself because of their enjoyed side hobbies. Bad Catholic priest suck. It's very unfortunate for anyone who is at a disadvantage around them. They do what bad Catholic priest can do when they get the chance. I live in almost complete solitude. I meditated most of the evening. It was ok. I learned something about myself and something I am going to give up forver, but I did do a lot of meditation and some contemplation. They said a lot of things to each other in sure that showed who they really are regarding me. A cruel de tata. Some old guy said that once. He thought he was so clever. I never got the clockwork Orange reference made to me once, or the schizophrenic point and laugh thing except I was under site as that summer so I probably talked to myself at times I guess. I can't sleep. Duck I have a 11 hour day tomorrow. That's ok unused to only get 3 hours sleep a night when I worked because I was up sobbing. Why I eventually went on disability it gets dangerous to drive when you don't sleep and cry all nigjt. But I'm way better now compared to back then. I do keep getting better I guess I keep trying. I may be 70-75 to have a good mental life like everyone who hurt me has or I may be 50-55 where I'm finally as mentally as happy/healthy as the people who hurt me, or as happy as my parents and siblings have been. It may only be the last part of my life, but at least I will have that. I was stoned and happy for a decade, but didn't get much done and pot just before I go to sleep makes me a little Randy , so it's better to not do it any more. I burn out anyway now that I'm older. I had a good decade so far. I was a little tortured that decade but not bad. I just can't be with men I know that now. Single suffering is the same as married suffering they both entail suffering just different kinew so why even care at this point. I honestly really like not being in a relationship, and I end up falling in love it getting attached to men I'm intamite with so better to be alone. a lot of people have mental disorders. Most of the population suffers from delusion disorder. Especially the good guys working in the government. They have to be crazy as f*ck if they believe the lies they are told. ANnyway. It's going to be ok. Today was better.
 
It's odd to have to accept the cruel hard truth that they tortured me so young I could never realize that hope or that dream I had as a kid to grow up and be free of the pain of abuse. Torture is it's own category of hell. I will die wondering why they continued with their big bang joke even after I was crushed and couldn't hardly function. I know they set it up for a long time. That winter I don't know why but I called a radio station to announce a song I had never heard before. I didn't know why I felt compelled to at the time, but for some reason as I called the same number a couple of times it kept getting weird answering things until someone answered some guy told me to say "donnas summers last chance" I was flipping horrified by the time that guy answered and I was shaking. I just kept getting this horrible feeling that something was wrong, something wasn't right about it. My voice got squeaky high and I couldn't even talk right. I was so scared when I got off the phone. I never wanted to feel that way again. I didn't know why at the time. I just knew something was not straight something felt hidden in the dark about it. I didn't know it was the devil saying that was my last chance to find happiness and love. My life was already over at 16 maybe I had just turned 17. I felt something really bad about what I had just heard. The guy was pretty forceful about me saying something with out cussing and in a certain way. He felt strong in the other end. I didn't like it. Looking back something was wrong with it. Looking back they watched me suffer, and no one talked to me. They wanted something from me. None of it was to help me. If it was to help me or because they cared they would have said "cut" let's talk to her and maybe even say sorry for the nonconsentual porn. The stalking, the violation of human vulnerability. I've never heard of a teenage girl getting so brutalized because she lived in a home with a big back yard who had no neighbors behind her. That was my disadvantage I had a house with a big back yard no dense that backed up to a hill with no one behind me for I've a mile. I was black listed because I lost my mind and said the n word. I was kinda happy about that I thought it in an untouchable they would leave me alone and I could live in my home safe again. BUt, for years until finally we could afford to move they kept stalking me and I had no where to go and I kept going further and further into developing an odd form of DID as the gaslighting and confusion continued to erode at my mental health. I did get my best friend back and have some other friends come into my life and no one ever said "hay they were talking about you" while it was happening none of the people I knew called and said "hay can you be live this, it's about you OMG" I was living in this off blanket of silence around me the whole time. No one would help me. No one would come down to my level and just got so I used at me that it hurt. Paris Hilton said she felt raped when her sex tape was leaked, so did Pamela anderson, Kim kardashian, and all of Hollywood when that phone cloud break in happened. Yet to this day I was supposed to be not human and like it. I was tortured for being human. Paris Hilton didn't leave her home for a long time and had hates keeping her safe so did all of them. These people had me under surveillance and drove me out of my mind yet if anyone did that to them they would kill them. I understand they tortured me for their experience now, what they liked, what they wanted. They talked a lot of shi t for the following years in sure and it is further testament to who they are inside, but no one cares as they can go hide in the crowd. I was singled out and one persons alone. Crowds scare me and it'll never be ok. Pamela anderson cried for months she was an adult yet they did that to some teenage kid and so I'm on some kind of permanent torment list that given who is in charge and who they are friends with I guess more like "family" i can be seriously tortured in my state of being that was left with a mental disadvantage as torture will leave you with. I'm ok with the loss of music and entertainment (flash backs aren't worth it) and isolation from society or fitting in. I'm ok with living in poverty as growing up poor people were always usually kind to me (American poverty is high wealth in other parts of the world). I'm ok with never being in a relationship again as I like being alone. I'm ok with being Barron and not having children now. I'm ok with the decade of tears I cried and fighting tons of voices. I'm ok with my stoned decade (well 6 years of) lost time as I finally felt safe inside of myself. I actually tried to get over my paranoia from the past by fighting the feeling that someone was watching me, and I thought I would get over it by not covering up my camera holes in my computer......... That wasn't my ptsd paranoia I know now. Everyone should cover their camera holes I guess. I've had humbling experiences in my life to say the least. If I'm a bad person then it is well documented. I'm gonna be so happy around the time of death. Some people will have slight fear or hesitation as to what happens to the back from of their energy (a soul you could say) next. I'm looking forward to it. All the odd proofs of the paranormal. Can't believe in ghost if their is no soul. Creator/created is a moot point and does not matter. I'm going to be free from this hate rape mental red room sick hell they call their world, their country, their power some day. Death is not a bad thing, and why people cling so hard to their life I don't know. I'm old now for the sick bastards ideology of age. If I didn't want to give them my youth (which is stupid I just didn't know what was going on except I hurt and felt like I was raped and was over powered and mind f*cked and had no where safe to heal) they would make sure it was spent suffering. I feel I'm getting older. I have nothing to show except the fact that I didn't succeed in suicide the 3 or 4 times I tried. I can't tell anyone about myself except I was tortured but even then to say the circumstance made it extrem tortUte the mix of everything not just one single thing. My parents trying to shove medication down my throat and to get me just to with there and shirt up. They never once took me to counseling after I told them.what happened just to a medication doctor and tried to put me on pills saying it never happened. They hurt my family because torture affects the whole family. My parents had to deal with the broken kid left after I didn't want to be like Madonna and have orgies. I didn't want some guy who would treat me like shi t and cheer on me. I had my bad player relationship I didn't want to be played ever again or be with someone who didn't love me. I finally got over that break up and saw my mistakes I didn't know scoot tried to pimp me out so he could hang out with high school.kids who had more money than me. I knew relations ships and sex or ducking in my eloquence go together. I don't have sex with my friends I just don't but have made a mistake once or twife in my life. I will never be perfect. I had money to get plastic surgery a few times and never did. I'm not a skin job, a walking piece of flesh and a narcissist who only cares about how I look anyway. I do want to do maybe a little face stuff like facial type things now that I'm old. Maybe retina I do have some vanity I guess. It's been a tough week. Last Thursday this song by hoodie and the blow fish was on a t a store really loud, and after a few songs of flash backs in a row I had full blown ptsd. I don't understand why they all watched and judged like God but treated me as an untouchable. I guess I am an untouchable only good enough for the whims of their mind games. Still to this day why act like your a house painter? Why not just say "hi my name is ....... What's yours." OR, "Jay I know this happened to you want to talk about it? " not love your neighbors for hurting you and making nonconsentual sex tapes of you, or watching you like a show while you hurt. Does Pamela anderson have to live the person who did that to her? Did Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian have to l ove the peope that did that to them. Better yet no one is sorry and they are all Ponting and laughing at you. No one will ask if your ok no one cares how you feel your pain wi l be a muse for all . They sell the enjoyment of someone's suffering. They Will only be crooked with you straight up. I saw a Joe Rogan interview where an army seal or navy seal said that when they psychologically get into your head it's over your done for torture is abo U the psychology of getting into someone and that is what damages a person more than physical ever could. Why did they let some.if the most ignorant people in the world no higher education no psychological education do that to me? It doesn't make sense looking back. None of it makes sensewhat they did. And why they got so mad at me for not doing what they wanted. Couldn't it hurt to much it was bang bang bang one thing after the other no time to get over one thing before another trauma hapoened. How can heaven have them up there with everyone singing the songs that mocked and hurt me. Their heaven is not my hea van teenage girls giving physical pleasure to old men is not my heavan. I'm ok with death it's the rest of my life I'm having a hard time with.
 
Torture does something to a person. It f*cks up all of your perception mechanisms and how you perceive yourself and the world. The government may have their own "pets" people who couldn't/cant get away from their cruel power and self righteous indignation. People like.me disadvantaged (due to being tortured) and vulnerable. I wasn't the boss of that shi t show. They hurt me again saying I was the Boss of it all. It was all my fault my doing my responcibility. I would have yelled cut a thousand different times and arranged to simply face to face one on one talk. To me. I was open to it, but he only guy who ever did that offered me drugs, and I didn't want to do drugs as drugs kind of got me in that mess. I was unaware of my surroundings on drugs. I was trying to get a job in fact that day, but it's fine that job would have been bad I would have been spot on through the drive through window I'm sure. I wasn't the boss of this. I wasn't the boss of any of it. I kept going back and forth on what was real in fact as I was in a psychosis for a lot of that and had still have a little missing time (meaning I don't remember a lot of days just little images of me bouncing around my kitchen). I was completely powerless over others as a teenager. They kept playing mind games and not being straight. It was all mind ducks to someone who was confused hurt and pulled apart with a thousand different emotions. Emotional torture is exactly what it was. Torturing some teenage kid who had emotions and wasn't like the psychopath "bosses" in charge. I'm sure they felt bad for a moment and said oh well back to partying wooohooooo next whore. Just a moment as sociopaths can only do that, but it looks good to the others that follow. I guess they are always in some big fake production always "acting" and never being real it seems. I still don't understand why "act" like your paining an wall, and expect me to not get a little upset that people are playing mind games while my mind is totally plastered and blown to bits. What the f*ck is wrong with these ducking people. And their successors are doing exactly like they were taught. It's licensed replicating nanobots at that level. Everyone has been blackmailed into a net work of bad Catholic priest whims and wants.
 
The only thing that we true and an agreeable prescription with no communication interaction is that "sometimes there are no happily ever afters." I can only have hope for death as that is the only real thing that won't be taken away from me. Everything else people love has been taken from me. I was singled out at 10 years old in a place called Bakersfield by the sea and the privilege of having a chance at a non painful life was taken away. They took all of the things people have privilege of enjoying and a sense of safety away. Torture changes a person. It's biological. Emotional torture is something I with they could imagine but it's reserved for the most of society the sociopaths who watch over me have no emotions to imagine or empathize with what they have me as fate. Is it fate to torture someone simply because of the address they had? For.me it is. Simply because that was my address for 13 years and I was not "cool" or "popular" growing up I will always be tortured by them. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I was born this way. I can't help it.
 
As a woman I have no intrinsic worth as an individual. My worth is only in the ego, pleasure, or energy to be controlled for men. This is the truth of our society. It's not getting much better. I am a woman and worth nothing. If they can control you, and shape you, or mold you. Use you and subjugate you I guess your ok. Being a woman over 40 i am now a throw away. I have no worth. Life is not going to ever be again on the "upswing" men have until their 60's to realize their potential and be treated as such. Women are discarded like old leaves that are simply weathered and left for dieing. I am weathered. A life of hard living shows on my face. Ciggarrets as a coping mechanism and just surving show on my face. I didn't really grow up I just kinda survived. I did have a few patch work years that had the ability of growth. The truth is because of emotional torture and bondgae to a system of stalking that does affect your every move I have survived from teenage on. I'm an old woman in today's society. I'm going to school and feel old the privilege of freedom I never had is all around me. I tried to go to school but I ended up being driven out by the bullies and then when I kept trying I had already been tortured so I can't help that I suffer from the human condition. It feels like my life got taken away. It did. Why I will only hope for death they can't make that be a part of their disillusionment they force on me. I wish I could go back in time. I would have kept my nose in books like I had them when Scott came into my life. The scientific proof we have as a society does show exactly what damage I have endured at the hands of people's cruelty. It's too late. I know anything I ever hopped for in life is too late. It's ok when I dont think sometimes. When I'm just experiencing breath and sensation of what is in front of my eyes. My greatest accomplishment is the absence of suffering from moment to moment. Most of the time I'm striving to be empty. I know having an unconsentual pet in the BDSM world is scary, but our own government does it. We can never get away. I wish I could die sooner than later. Getting old in a world where youth is worshiped and knowing my youth was surving up not growing up I feel left out. Like the world doesn't like me. And, I guess I'm ok with that. I have to be. Proof is in actions words are all lip service. I was kid and I felt totally gang rapped. I understand they hurt me again for being human and not a sociopath like them. I'm not a narssisit either. Being alive and human can be such a tragedy. I wish I could die sooner than what the world of physics is requesting of me. I guess I have to be alive just so my atoms can experience What others are around me. I guess I've just experienced atoms Bri g exchanged with the ones who watch me. In physics we become the observed and the object at the same instance. I think that's all the spooky scientific psychic stuff I've experienced. As others observe you their atoms and yours are indivisible and spin exactly the same with quarks going in and out of each other to create what we call the physical experience of sensation. Atoms can be many places at once and again science can prove this. I don't like it here. I. The world they have forced me to live in. I'm forced to be isolated and not take a part in any of it. Rape isn't something that ever just goes away. Physical rape I've gotten over bit the emotional rape they put me through is something I drive not to think any more because of. Sensations hurt. The fewer sensations the Better. Last Thursday I realized I couldn't listen to any music anymore as it had done nothing but hurt me. I believed Bob Marley as a kid and the ones who love him happen to rape me out of my head. They own everything, they are on everything, they are in your face everywhere. I can get psychologically tortured then some good old boys sent over to make sure I take it. I do t get a voice, and I can't make them stop. They own the world with the devil I just don't belong and got caught for that. Trees are beautiful. So is nature that doesn't have two faces. I'm half I'm not a Christian and don't lie about being one. The ones who crucified him 2019 years ago are still hanging out as Pontious Pilot and the famous. We live in a society based on two faces insanity. All about the forgiveness and never about the lesson long ago learned. I think the people who did this and will always be watching over me are flat earth nano bot people. Even with science and all our technological advancement I formation at your finger tips they still lie to themselves. Nano-bots created and creating more passing the torch to new unevolved meat heads. Again meat imply it has been built up and used. More like rocks and bricks to dense to feel the sutilties of life to begin with.
 
The self replicating nano-bots that keep doing what the generation before did with no free will or thought have lost their ducking mind. Rage against the machine did have it right when they said "stuck on the cross...... believing the lies..... bowing down to the flag..... you got a ....... in the head. "Buying all the lies that their telling ya, buying all the products that their selling ya, they say jump and you say how high your brain dead you gotta f*ckin..... in your head..... People my age grew up with that too. It wasn't all insane sellout shit. I believed yellow man when he said "I ain't gonna do it." They all live in delusion believing their self ritchious insane two faces cowardly bullshit. Pussies that sold their soul.
 
Nothing is real in 1984 believing two different things at the same time is handed down from a letter agencies one of the intelligence agencies. The ones that rape little girls and make sure cover ups happen for the masters like Epstine and his friends. If their lucky they will get to hang out with him and lick his balls.....The greatness of these people. Knowing about science. I won for what the flat earthers in the government controlled nano-bot agencies pass I g down legacies of hate rape and twisted control will do next. Depends on how much blackmail the bad Catholic priest in those sanctimonious institutions have on who. It's like nano-bots self replicating networks always breaking the next generation in. Death is easy living is hard.
 
The bad Catholic priest in the government information institutions are the worst. They hurt with impunity and keep recruiting men like them. Im.never going to be ok. At best I can try for not suffer g I guess. Emotional torture from people who are above you. I guess I'm one of the lower life forms here for their entertainment. It hurts being so wewwk and having no power and never being able to protect yourself while no one else protects you. It's very painful it hurts and that's what they like.
 
I did t want to be famous actually I couldn't handle it, but I knew that I was afraid of people find I g out who I was because. A afraid they would bully me. But they could have yelled cut and talked to me and not made me feel so emotion alky tortured and confused. Honestly it was a publ. Gang rape about sex because if it wasn't they would have treated me like a human not a girl who's worth is in their sex. They would have asked me what the hell was wrong with me. We know now days revenge porn is about hurt and hateing women. I could have told then that back then. Scott told me how much he hated me when and after he broke up with me. I just didn't know he hated me from the start. I can have hope I death. This many people taking a turn and passing you around just makes sure there is no way you can't want to get away from yourself. Your so shit they push you into suicides for this long and in groups. Then play God a martyr so sad and deep they are. They took away everything about this life except eat hung the grass grow on the lawn. Everything that makes you yourself has been butchered cut up stalked laughed at hated and a tho g of repulse. The only thing I ever want to hear from them again is the sound of a gun cock when they blow out my brains.
 
Ptsd sucks. You end up fighting inside so hard pushing off and trying to get away from people you can't see and a force you can only feel. I turned it all off. They won't be able to get at me through basic sensation like sound or sight while my brain is beta theta waves which is a light meditative open state what tv and music does to the brain is amazing actually. It opens you up pretty wide of your not aware. No more sensations of a force I can't stop and no place to hide. I just wish these bad times with ptsd wouldn't happen it started last Thursday and hasn't stopped yet. My muscles are tense and I'm not sleeping and I'm on flight or fight but again I've never even had anyone to push off of me. They just kind of take over the world around you and laugh as your chemistry and neropathways get f*cked up. They know that are physically hurting you and you can't seem to stop them. I just have to keep all the sensations and tools/ways they could come through off. I also have to he aware to turn stuff off on YouTube but I mainly listen to that. Life isn't fair and they have taught me that. They are solid people who had somewhat solid childhoods. I sure as f*ck didn't. Muscles tense pulling and pushing. Breathing trying not to think and relaxing is the hardest part. Ptsd sucks so bad. I lost all my friends a fee times because of ptsd and flashbacks and them hurting me. I keep my circle small and always expect people to not be able to handle me. I'm not cool at all. More of a reject then not, but I'm 41 now so I guess it's ok to be not desirable to be friends who are socially into cool and all that. I've always been a reject from 10 on. I guess that's just honestly me as a life time of proof even I can't ignore. I'm ok with it though. I had hopes I could leave high school behind someday and maybe even move but after Hollywood and some government agencies got involved I will never be free and am lucky to squiek by unknown. If people know who I am I get asked to leave and the people I am with never talk to me again. At least that's been my experience. All any of the famous people have to do is say they think I'm shit and all of their followers and fans will hurt me quick. I have always tried go hide out. I thought maybe liberals were nicer than conservatives and less judgemental, but it's not true. People are cruel and want to look down on others to oost themselves up.
 
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