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Policy Enforcement
They didn't help.me f*ck they didn't even try. When your trying to help.someone you talk to them you don't force them to do what you want. You don't make them think their crazy. You don't assume what they think. You ask questions. The only thing any one asked me (someone called and said he knew me from the institution I was in for a week) to meet them and I told them to meet me where I was turning in an application to work. It was some supper old guy (he was at least 55 more like 60 and I was 17) he asked me "are you ready for the real drugs" I said some smart as s thing about plucking little girl flowers and he walked away pissed. I'm not doing drugs with some f*ckin old guy he'll no I'm not sucking your dick freak! That was the only time anyone ever arranged to talk to me. The rest was screaming yelling and saying "call me" but between my seeing the future a few days in advance and and my parents and shrinks all saying I was crazy I was so twistedly hurt I honestly thought I was crazy. I had to be who spits on someone stalks them hates them bullies them video raped them and expects to be loved? Who the f*ck does that? I'm sorry for what we did as kids And hay my name is ....... would have been a lifesaver back in the day like a life raft. I didn't get that I got this eerie quiet no one was around except maybe old guys driving by and people being cruel as all hell. I thought I was hallucinating especially after the tv got taken over. Wouldn't you think you were hallucinating if your tv started talking to you and everyone was telling you your crazy and your on and off psych meds trying to make the pain stop and the only people calling you up to talk or meet places is an old guy who wants to give you drugs probably Most likely to get his dick off. that would make you think your crazy right. For years that was the joke people would laugh and tell me I was schizophrenic knowing I wasnt. But, I thought I was for years. Then a few years after this happened the ptsd kicked in to a bother level and DID hit bad I heard voices for another decade I used to count 200 insults in under 45 minutes a night. I doubt sleep hardly cried all the time and the more medication i took the worse it got. I did get the voices to stop though at about 32 completely. They would come and go depending on how depressed with ptsd I was. Abuse always made them come back. I've been voice free for about almost 10 years. I did talk to myself a couple of times in the two psychosis I had due to continued stalking and pts d with too much weed mixed with herbs. I shouldn't go into another psychosis though now that I'm off diet herbs and sleeping and no longer want to smoke weed or anything at all. I don't want to live any more honestly, but I have to because I won't kill myself and suffer more. If I could die today or tomorrow by arranging it with the universe I would chose that option, but it's both there so I guess I will seek non self impermanence realizations until the natural process of death occures. I'm so looking forward to it. I don't hope anymore. Hope is a tragedy waiting to be realized. I've never dealt with anything as sadistic as people who are deep into revenge porn and enjoy non consensual porn non consensual relationships and non consensual volunteers into their sadistic power plays. I am so looking forward to death. I will enjoy it even if I don't end up completely free of rebirth in all realms. I didn't sell my soul to the devil and let me tell you that devil is amazingly powerful in this world we call earth. I don't want the effects of telling kids sex and drugs are the way to go and illusion is God oh hell f*cking no. I'm good that's a physics nightmare when every effect you've had on all the atoms and atomic particle in this world catch up at death. I saw that one two days before they showed up and f*cked up my mind with it all. I got lucky as far as that goes. Oh he'll no I won't sell my soul for money. f*ck you dude Crowley and all the illuminate shi t is a joke. Straight physics and old time religion seem to go hand and hand and are proving each other true to date. I also.can't go into a life controlled by actors in power who raped my soul either though and that's what it was in the end a spiritual rape, emotional rape, mental rape. Epstine island was where they all wanted to go back in the day. It was all Monika Lewinsky fault bill was a bit and boys will be boys He s so funny and cool and everyone loves him so it's ok for him. She's the devil. Can you believe we have computers, we are teleporting atoms, we have self.driving cars, but women still get to wear the big scarlet A. It's f*cking insane to me. No one talked to me eexcept an old man offering me real drugs. Shut my parents were so broke good was scares at times I just wanted to work and not be a whore. I didn't even know what was going on. One minute is be like "is this real" look around and think "no" they pushed you over the edge the bullies won. In real life they always win. Hollywood bullies the f*ck out of each other. I keep waiting to hear more people claim cultural appropriation, and more black list words as F#g is now a black list word. I got in trouble even though I have an x wife. Black people still said black list back in my day even though a black list is totally racist and it's roots are racist. Black can't come in...... I have lived through some psychological hell. Safe space they want their kids to have a safe space well they raped the f*ck out of my safe space and went deep into my mind. I understand it will never be ok. I got it in f*ck ed for life. I hoped I wouldn't be, and tried so hard any way I could to move on, but hope once again is my greatest tragedy and hope will only hurt to death. Today is a bad pts d day. I'm isolating but have shot to do. I lost it sobbing while doing homework today I couldn't get that raped feeling to stop. It isn't about genetailia when I feel that pain. It's this deep powerless being over powered unable to defend myself or fight back pain. I can't even explains it. It makes me feel dirty but not in a sex way it feels dirty like I want to hear off my skin and rip out my stomach kind of pain. That one makes me sob. That's the hard one to deal with. The feeling of just not being able to make it stop the violation that is happeneing. It makes you want to rip your skin off it hurts so bad. The most f*ck ed up pain neither just physical or mental but all emotional pain and trauma. Using get that often anymore but my mom lived with me while it made me cry for a decade. They tortured the shi t out of my parents as well. No one wants to have to hear their kid that broken and suffering but the bad Catholics priest are nicer than some of the monsters employed by governments and that for real. They get so off on hurting people. ANd, it's never going to stop. Global warming may happen but these guys will still be close to the top. We could have a fraction of people left alive in the planet and because of their connections they will be together and alive with other people I guess. It's been a tough day. That skin tearing guy renching pain kicked my ass. Psychological torture is an interesting thing and according to the trained government guys once they get into the psychi it's over. I was just a kid I never had a chance. It was over before it even started. I never had a chance in hell even if God the universe or what ever power that governs psychic ability tried to warn me. I still didn't have a rats chance in hell. Yelling thing days before it happened just made me feel crazier in the end. Psychological torture is a gate way into the body. Not just flesh causes physical pain unfortunately. I don't know why my stomach feel s like every cell is filled with electrical pain when the bad flash backs hit except that's how it felt like when I was in high school getting home schooled at the time. When I lost it the pain would go and is think I could handle it then I'd turn on the radio and ducking lose it again. BUt, I did think I was crazy. It was a self defense mechanism I guess to think I was crazy because when it felt like a big bang bang joke my stomach hurt and the pain was physically unbearable and is twist back into a psychosis. As a total piece of sh it looser rejected kid who had very few friends in high school no I would really hang out with. Some guy at the end of school.almost spit on me and said make new friends because I knew a lot of freshmen in my senior year but because of the seniors ignored me and iced me out I just hung out with whoever wanted to at the time. That's when the stomach pain first started anyway after the big bang joke. It has gotten worse as I've moved and authority keeps stalking me or did I guess. I get that they think my name is stupid bitch. It was stupid girl when I was a teenager but it's moved into bitch now that I'm a woman that is. Life is very cruel to so many. Why people want to go to heaven is beyond me. I want it to be like I never existed so there is nothing no pain no thoughts or memory of me. I want it to be like I never existed the tragedy of hope could never have started. I'm other dimensions you remove your previous incarnations I don't want to remember this one or any other one that ever existed. Being stalked is a trip it f*cks you up long after its over and this is scientifically proven its not like they need to experiment to know these facts. Being tortured psychologically we also have on file the outcomes again this is nothing new to anyone. Cause and effect they like it. They did it they do it they kept repeating it they like it. I can't stop them from being who they are inside. I don't listen to music I don't watch tv. Sometimes I'm happy but today is another pts d day. I remember some spoiled punk kid looked at me and said "you got caught" and I felt so ashamed so guilty. LookinG back I got caught having sex with my first love who I was with for I've a year. I still don't know what I did wrong. I loved him and he lied about living me. I didn't lie to him or cheat on him or try to do anything but make him happy (I was young I don't try to make anyone feel anything now that I'm old). I still to this day don't know what I did to him or any of those guys to hurt me so much. I wanted to be their friend before I knew they did that to me. They ignored me or have me kinda dirty stink eye looks at school so I just stayed away. That was a long time ago though. It's to late to do anything now about anything couldn't hang out with normal popular or normal people after that though I was so scared they would find out about me after I moved so I just kinda his and tried to find other rejects or freaks as my dad calls everyone I know. My brother calls my friends rejects well the few he met in town so I just gave up on my family I'm the abnormal one. and I'm not good enough i Just give up on the outside world. The truth is I don't belong. I even was convinced by this crazy new age lady that I was a alien from another dimension for a few years. I think I just wanted to not feel like such a piece of shit about my life like I was special and not damaged because I went crazy in 95. I would like to die sooner than later but because I don't make that decision in the end I have to find a way to live until then. Some days The pts d isn't so bad bad then it's really good if I stay presant. Hope is the most pathetic thing I have ever done to my self so I don't hope anymore for the future. Hope has caused so much torture in my life I won't do it again. Some days aren't so bad. I guess I just wait until those days appear again. I don't know why they tortured me so bad. I used the n word after that and apologize to every black person I've been friends with after that. I don't know why those guys saw me crying for months and video raped the worst of it never saying "are you ok, can I help, or do you need help, something like that. Months later when I got my teeth fixed they just said " hay a 49er f*ck ed you and we watched. " I don't get It why would I love them after they didn't even say sorry. Why didn't they try to be my friend when I was crying? Why did they just get people to scream and yell at me wgen I wasfinally full of hope and happy and dressed mostly like a Tom boy I didn't want and wasn't tryi ng to be sexy. Why Wouldn't They be my friend when I needed a friend when I was sad. No they just set me up to be humiliated in front of a bunch of famous people and government spooks who were all about epstines island. great hear comes another election where we ca all get fed more shi t about what is not real in the world of true powerr. .