Not Sure About Posting This, But Need To Be Heard

[VioletButterfly]

New here and not sure where to put this. I’ve been in this “flat” mood for the past few days while still suffering horribly with anxiety due to many active present issues intertwining with past issues. I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t want to do this anymore. This is no life to be living. It’s horrible. There is too much to even begin telling you where I’m at and how I got here, but suffice it to say that dealing with complex trauma (PTSD), stemming from a horrible childhood filled with emotional/verbal abuse and neglect, and God knows what else; and then following the pattern into an abusive 16-yr relationship; and then into a relationship with a T that I can’t even begin to describe in terms of the damage done and the betrayal/abuse doled out by her and its impact on me. I’ve reached the point where I feel that I don’t have what it takes to overcome all of this or to heal from it. I will always be damaged and a freak. Always someone for others to abuse because I can’t find my way out of this maze/box I’m in. Maybe it’s my role in life.

I pray for death as a release from all that has been shredding me over my life, especially the past year in particular – horribly abusive work environment and having to jump in and take care of my narcissist/alcoholic mother who put a lot of the PTSD structure into place that I’ve been walking through and trying to “fix” since I was aware of what was going on. It’s such a train wreck. I just can’t cope with this and I feel that I’ve fully embraced the lie that nothing can change and never will; that this is all there is until I die. Well, I’d rather die. I’d rather be in heaven. Why does God keep me here chained to this planet?! I don’t have what it takes to break the chains of bondage myself, so I wait upon Him to free me, but in the interim, I’m suffering more than I know how to express at this point. I wish I had what it takes to make this happen on my own, but my faith just won’t let me do it. This is a God thing and it must be His call and not mine.

I don’t even know why I’m posting this, but maybe it’s because I can’t sit with it alone in the dark anymore. I don’t need a pep talk or to be chastised, had enough of that – especially from myself. I guess I just want to hear from others who can relate. It’s like despair is in 10 foot tall letters like the Hollywood sign. I have an appt with a new T this week. I’ve been out for the past 3 years because the last one was worthless and I just thought I could do it better. I did for a while, but after this past year with my job and mom, I’m done. I’m thinking very hard about how good a Michelob would taste tonight, but know that’s not good idea. Then again, if it removes me from this agitated state of being, then wouldn’t it be better? SI is popping up again and I haven’t done that for year now, and before that for about 2 years. Something seems to be breaking or wants to break/be broken. I don’t know. I’m just alone up in my head and it’s not a pretty place. ED thoughts are running rampant as well. God, please, shut down the negative and judgmental chatter. Addiction isn’t the answer, but I don’t how else to cope at this point. I need to step back before I explode and those seem like viable options if I am to remain here and breathing.

I’m sorry if this is too graphic and/or not in the right place. There is no one in real-time to reach out to – no one, so I thought this better than keeping it all inside alone any longer. Thank you.

 

[Casey_03]

You're definitely not alone. I am at the same point right now, and I feel for you. It seems like whenever you try to do things right, it all goes haywire anyway. I've been wondering for the past few weeks if it's even worth it to try to recover -- what is there left to recover? It already seems over. I feel like a dead person walking. Sorry, don't meant to add negativity; just want you to know that I can relate. Hopefully your new T will be better and be able to offer you some real help. Until then, please hang in there.

 

[shimmerz]

@VioletButterfly , what a beautiful name. Yes, I can feel your posting. I have been there. Sometimes still go there. It isn't right, it isn't fair, it is painful,cruel, and beyond comprehension. No sense of direction or purpose. Just sitting with you right now, candle flickering in a dark room and sharing in your feelings.

 

[pepper_e]

Death may seem like a release because it easy. I have tried to kill myself three times since my event. The first two were stopped by a family member. The third I came close, and before the icy grip of death clutched me, to never release again, I awoke and realized something.

Life truly is worth living.

I know it seems like it isn't, but I swear to you, I promise you, I plead to you that it is worth living, and more.

When we are trapped in the depths of our despair by the demons of our past, we can not see the light of this world. The world is truly a beautiful place. All the darkness you see before you is self-doubt, do not doubt the strength and power of your own being. Rise above your upbring and your past, do not let it define you. make it work for you, make it make you a better person. Channel all of the pain and misery into something beautiful and wonderful.

I know this may sound like hopeful hogwash to you because I have been there. But please do not go down the dangerous road you are blindly walking. trust in those that see the light. Trust that even on the low days, when you are at your lowest, that just over the next rise is a new day, with new hopes and new dreams.

Today is not yesterday, and tomorrow is not yet written. Never give up hope, for without hope there is no light.

 

[darrenS]

i can relate , i had a great week for accomplishments of work , but personally it was hell, my wife finally gave me a solid answer as to our marriage and has had me on hold for 12 mths , coupled with loneliness...hell yeah i can relate ....strange place , no friends and complex ptsd taking chunk sized bites every few days. I am struggling as well and find it very hard to see any reason, but for some reason i am still here ? i want so much to go and use some dope , the bliss of it would be a perfect escape , but i know in this state i wont stop and having nothing at all in way of support or friends.....well lets say thats deadly as well - so in all this shittiness , what do we do ? i dont feel great, i want so much to react and destroy , all i can do in this state is continually remind myself of the outcome and keep myself glued to the couch until it subsides and i like you hope to make it out in one peice

 

[theotherside]

I think if we all can get the right help ( which takes A LOT of work!!!) Not only from outsiders, but also from within ourselves we can ALL have a life that feels WORTH living.
I too often turn to wanting to die because of my pain and not knowing how to deal with it. But i have some fight in me to get better and hoping you hang in there and reach for that fight to live thats in you too.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you to all of you for sharing and for your support. I'm sorry that so many of us are in this much pain. I hear you on holding my ground and just standing in the rain (as the song goes) until the storm passes. It just hasn't seemed to pass, but instead has intensified in many ways. Maybe I am just more aware or aware in a different way than in the past. I have read so much on this site and have learned so much from reading referenced articles that my mind is boggled. Why didn't' my past T's read any of this work, why weren't they aware, why did they do such harm?! I have so much anger and rage inside of me. I'm not used to this. I don't know what to do with it or how to cope with it. I am hoping the new T can offer some perspective as I think I'm "stuck" in this "it's only going to get worse" mindset. I feel stuck in the anger/rage/victim paradigm.

I know some issues have resolved with my mother; however, new ones seem to jump in to take her place. I've been trying to focus on gratitude and the fact that I have managed to do a lot of healthy things for myself, but they seem to pale by comparison to what the negative voices and lies tell me. It's like unending slamming of doors and dropping of bricks on my head in my mind. I have been to black before, but not like this. I have a part of myself I call "The Strand" and it always is there at the blackest of times and pulls me back. It is the Holy Spirit within me; it is God. I'm feeling separated and alone from that source right now. Very upsetting as He took the place of my parents a long time ago. I can't go metaphysical on myself right now; it's just too much and very sad. I am very lonesome and don't see a better day or an out. I'm here though until God decides otherwise. It's just me and my little self, and I feel like I'm failing her miserably.

Today, I'm trying to hear and embrace what you've shared, your collective strength and hope or even sheer determination to not let "it" get the best of you. I am glad that I didn't give way to alcohol or SI yesterday, very glad. As I said though, things have changed and feel broken inside. This flat feeling, it just won't seem to leave. It's a void, and emptiness - I guess that's where ED is my logical coping choice, but I know it is unhealthy. So many rules, so few solutions. I am hoping the T can offer a better way. My history with therapy, though, hasn't been good so I am anxious. Ah, standing in the rain. Thank you again and I hope those of you who are suffering find some measure of relief today. I'm going to try again today, one hour at a time for my little self. Maybe a trip to the library and some water coloring in the spirit of the day.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I can't even believe I'm resurrecting this. I'm here again; in this space, but worse. I just can't see a happy ending to this horrible life I'm living right now. Happy would be the ending of this suffering, I suppose. I don't see how it can get better. The pressure just seems to keep mounting and I just seem to be sinking deeper into the darkness. I try to lift myself up, if even to put an encouraging post out here, but it's fleeting. I always come back to just me, alone, with all of this pressure, backed into a corner, ready to explode. The ups and downs of trying and failing, of not making progress. The push-pull of wanting to heal, yet knowing it will be another wasted effort. I'm so very sorry. I just don't know where to turn. My mind is even taking the self-compassion work I've been trying to do and turning it against me, telling me that it would be more compassionate to put me out of my misery. I know that's distorted thinking, but it's where I'm at right now. I think I've turned up the dial from ideation to consideration and although that scares me, somehow it's comforting because the suffering would end.

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel the same @VioletButterfly . I know I'm supposed to be brave and strong and such, but I can't be. I can't take the pressure & fear and stress anymore.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I offer you my prayers xox.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thanks Junebug. I met with my T. I was honest, for the most part. We talked about treatment facilities. Not the route for me right now, but it did get me to thinking about options and opened a door of sorts. I found a good website for depression/stress management and I threw some ideas/options into a spreadsheet. A major part of this is this job from the very hot place, I think. Gosh, it's awful, so I'm looking at options. A job is nothing to die for. I've been in this position before with a job and I walked. I had money in the bank though. So complicated. Just too much on my plate, as my T stated. Maybe we need to look at exactly what's on that plate right now and draw up a blueprint or something. Looking for ways to socialize myself, I think, is huge for me. I am so isolated. I know it's unhealthy. Depression and anxiety are really hammering me. But again, thank you. VB

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I am sure you are right VB. I've just (personally) lost the ability to manage the stresses of life.

Best wishes, xox. :hug:

 

[Stickler]

You opened the thread in February. You reopened it in December. I'm expecting the months in between were not as horrible. Maybe pretty horrible, but I'm guessing not quite as much?
...Depression lies. It tells you " It will never get any better.". But I am guessing it *did* get better. Meaning that it's a matter of wading through the awful for a month or two, then climbing out.
...Also, do you *always* feel like hammered batshit around this time of year? Because I do, my guy does, a lot of people...in the northern hemisphere especially... Have trouble around this time of year with depression and bipolar.

Evil jobs are evil. Encourage you to escape.