Not Sure About Therapist/therapy

[ghotiff]

Thank you for this thread, so many parallels for me.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Friday - I am in total agreement. If I could only get the emotional side of me brain on board, I'd be good to go. I think tolerance needs to be added to that list, but then again, maybe it's part of life skills. I don't really know what those are unless they mean you take a shower, feed yourself, and go to work, pay your bills - practical stuff like that. Beyond that, I am at a loss. I feel like a little kid playing dress up or something. It all seems so foreign and I don't know why. Coping right now is in a bad space, but I'm working on replacing those unhealthy skills with healthier alternatives, or maybe I just have to find out why I want to be numb all the time and sort that out? It's usually a combination when treating addictions. I don't know. I suppose that's part of why I'm in therapy. I can't see the big picture here and I have to have help in doing so. I tend to become overwhelmed or spiral when I try to take this on. One day at a time is where I'm trying to keep myself these days. Noting all of the good things I can manage to do for myself each day that support a healthier self so that I can maintain and grow stronger. I can tell this is going to be slow going, so I have to retrain myself to slow down and not skip necessary steps. My inner project manager has got to go on leave! I'm not a project, I'm a human being and I fall down in many ways that I never have professionally. A lot to sort out, as you can see. I much appreciate the goals you noted though. These are part of what my T and I are working on and did discuss because of what others shared above. She and I talked through the whole thread about all of the wonderful points raised therein. Even though it was horribly scary, I'm glad I was able to do this work with her without shutting down.

Ghotff - I'm glad you found this helpful. I am sorry you are in the same boat though. Aren't we lucky to have so many wonderfully kind and thoughtful people who reach back in and try to offer suggestions and ESH to help us along the way?!? It's just amazing to me and I feel blessed to have found this community.

Gratefully - VB

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think tolerance needs to be added to that list,

If you mean tolerating the uncomfortable and negative thoughts/emotions to get through them, then that could fall under coping skills. Under dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), distress tolerance if one of the components. I have been trying to practice that one lately- just sitting with uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, situations- and not making anything worse.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I guess I never really exist without feeling some level of being overwhelmed; mostly red-alert and apart from everyone around me in some fashion. It's a constant now in my life. I think it's hyper-vigilance from everything going on around me in the past and the present. I don't remember being at peace, so although I hear what you are saying, I can't conceive of it. I don't remember how I felt before starting therapy 10 years ago and I don't really understand how I felt before going through the traumas of the past 2 years with my mom and job. It's really strange and unsettling. My mind has shut that off to me and it scares me.

I know when my T and I were working through what needed to be said during out last session about what I've written above, I felt shaky but okay, but then she wanted to talk about me and anger. She asked if I'd ever been angry and then I shared a few times when I thought I might have been angry. Feelings rushed into me when I shared with her felt like a 50 foot wave was hovering over me and about to crash down - I felt terrified inside and frozen. I couldn't make it go away. I wanted to scream and run away. I wanted to disappear. Is this what you're talking about by sitting with the feelings; are those the feelings? In other posts, people talk about learning how to ground and cope before doing the trauma work, but my traumas are acting out in my mind constantly and new situations are reinforcing their strength and sending me reeling. I hope that makes sense. I'm getting a little lost in myself. Maybe I'm just not in the right place today to be putting thoughts together or to express myself. Feeling lost. Sorry, thank you for responding though. What does DBT tell you about dealing with your feelings? VB

 

[DogwoodTree]

Feelings rushed into me when I shared with her felt like a 50 foot wave was hovering over me and about to crash down - I felt terrified inside and frozen. I couldn't make it go away. I wanted to scream and run away. I wanted to disappear. Is this what you're talking about by sitting with the feelings; are those the feelings?

I totally get this. My feelings scare me. When I start to feel something...anything...in therapy, well..."flooding" is a very apt term for it. It's like my brain gets flooded with fear and especially shame, and I can't think straight. Sometimes I can't even talk...there just aren't words to describe what's going on inside, and my body refuses to express the emotions any other way (so, no tears at all, ever...certainly not in front of people).

my traumas are acting out in my mind constantly and new situations are reinforcing their strength and sending me reeling.

I kept feeling like I was having to learn how to fly the plane while I was already in the air. Everyone kept saying, "you need to learn this first, and practice that first", without acknowledging that if I don't keep this plane flying, I'm going to crash. I don't have time for the a-b-c's of how aerodynamics work when I'm fighting for survival.

But I found...part of the process is learning to recognize that I don't have to self-destruct just because the mess keeps broiling around in my mind.

What does DBT tell you about dealing with your feelings?

So, I don't know about DBT because we've not officially done that (I think my Ts have used elements of it, but not in a formal way, and they don't always call it that). But here's how I've visualized it that has helped a little.

When I have a feeling, no matter how strong it is, no matter how negative it seems to be, I don't fight it. I don't panic that it's there. I don't deny its existence. I just let it be there, and I sit with it. "Who are you? Why are you here? What is it you want to tell me?" It hurts, like, really bad, crazy, awful hurts. But fighting it leads to inner turmoil, so fighting it won't help. I also don't react to it. Reactivity leads to destruction of others or self-destruction (usually self-destructive tendencies for me). Just...sit with it. Feel the emotion. Let it exist. It already exists...you're just bringing it into the light so it's no longer this scary monster hiding out in the basement.

Have you learned anything about IFS (internal family systems)? According to IFS, all of us have parts inside, kind of like the different emotional parts in the movie Inside Out. It's normal...this is not talking about DID. So in IFS therapy, when an emotion like fear or anger comes up, we can step back from it a bit and face it like it's another person within us. It's a part of us that is holding that emotion for some important reason. And just like we parent the children in our external family systems, we can also parent the parts of our internal systems. "I see you're feeling very angry. That's okay. It's okay to feel angry. Can you tell me what you're angry about?" And then talk it out and find the root issue. And then explore how to address that issue.

I had a conversation like that with my 13 yo a couple of months ago. She was angry at her sister for messing up something on her computer. My normal M.O. would have been to fuss at her for getting angry (because other people's negative emotions scare me), and remind her that little sisters do stuff like that. But not this time. We talked about what made her angry. And then I asked her what she felt like she needed to do in the future to prevent the situation from happening again. She realized she still wants her sister to be able to play on her computer, just not be able to mess up any of her settings. So I suggested we create a second user account on the computer. That separates their settings, and protects the stuff that is important to the 13 yo.

My daughter was still annoyed at the things that had been changed, but she recognized that she wasn't powerless in this situation. Her anger was telling her something important. Once she paid attention to it and worked with it (which we did together), she saw there's a way to protect something that's important to her while still giving her sister access to the computer, which was also important to her. The anger pointed out a boundary that was being crossed, and by listening to it, she developed better, clearer boundaries that worked both for her and for her sister.

The same kind of thing can happen inside. "Why am I angry about this situation?" Anger usually comes because our boundaries are being crossed inappropriately, or we have unreasonable expectations, or we're covering up another emotion. By listening to the anger, I can shore up my boundaries if that's what is needed, or I can adjust my expectations of reality (which usually points to entitlement issues within me), or I can discover the underlying emotion of sadness or fear or even joy.

I'm not very good at all of this yet, but with practice, I'm getting better. The really strong emotions still scare me and overwhelm me. I've not yet been able to bring those into the therapy relationship for help in facing them and listening to them and processing them. And shame is one emotion I just don't have a handle on yet at all. But anger, fear, sadness...I'm learning how to work with each of those in more "normal", day-to-day situations using this IFS approach.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @VioletButterfly if I wasn't 'me' I would think I wrote your post #16 above except for the anger part (but I don't have the skills to express myself that way).

I'm really rushing, need to work outside before I lose the light, but this caught me eyes:

can't see the big picture here and I have to have help in doing so.

Me too, exactly. I heard something today, mindfulness is not always conducive to pulling out of a spiral (like saying don't do the mindful way out of depression if you're too depressed!). The more mindful I am the more I'm spiraling. With the caveat it's great to be mindful of beautiful things/ good words/ gratitude, I think we need hope. (Especially when we can't conceptualize a future).

For example, today I was bending to smell a rose (wow- in November!!! :) :inlove: ) & had a FB (they are rare). Not sure if I squished the rose or it was too fragile but next thing I knew the petals were blowing around. Which however snapped me out of it. Perhaps some of us need distractions? Like you said in post #16 above, we can't 'forget'.

I too agree with JEK-B, to

not making anything worse.

(PS, FWIW, I did remember, a huge thing I 'told', re: the original precipitating event (feel 'wrong' to say I had the right to be 'traumatized') I told years ago. It was reframed, & it no longer haunts me one bit. :wideeyed: ! :) :tup: (That being said, I kind of nearly 'booboo-ed' & unintentionally OD'ed after disclosing it, or maybe trying to add self-forgiving words, but I made it & I still say the words. It was totally worth it. :) :tup: ) I'm even wondering if I am avoiding parts I didn't say, if that's destroying me inside-out. :unsure:. Idk. But if I did they're not in my awareness though, & I don't even know what other to 'ask' myself.)

I am intending to try to go from step one again when I was doing better (before), if I can figure out how to. Also, I am going to try to go through a document from here on the forum I saved, PM me if you want I will find it for you. (I have it saved. When I went to find it yesterday I only got as far as looking at the length, & the last paragraphs said something about 'TIR', or 'TSR"- can't recall- but think that's what might have solved the horrors of the other memories. So if that was possible there is hope. :) It was called something like A Spiritual Handbook for Provision of Care for PTSD & TBI. A member here put the link. Really great = there seems to be better/ applicable info in it.)

PSS, don't feel badly- yesterday I did manage to watch the Sesame Street version of identifying emotions. (Which is more my speed. :rolleyes: ) . I learned (they said) the body part affected tells a lot/ gives clues (eg stomach), so strive to notice & describe that part. (Dr Bernie Siegel says the same, actually.) (Btw, I hope you don't find it offensive, I'm not meaning it in any way in a patronizing way, it really is what I understand more. All day I think or am required to in serious, complicated ways, but when it comes to getting a grip or getting stuff to penetrate I feel unreachable (hopeless) for a long time. :( )

Hugs++ for you. :hug:

ETA , (disjointed or not), I should say I'm wondering (just for me, maybe you also?) if something goes back to the original, & stuff after is just complicating things? Also, what made me think of it is, I read a Globe & Mail article about suicides in vets here. One poor man had put "God forgives me, I think it's time I forgave myself", but those were his last words. That is, accepting the good can be as challenging as processing the bad. He (& the others) could not step back & see the big picture. I got it confirmed about the mindfulness by accident today, from someone who understands++ such stuff.

:hug:

 

[VioletButterfly]

Dogwoodtree - I want to hug your post. :hug:

I thought a lot about shame today. I think my fear comes from shame. I don't understand it. It's too big right now. I shutdown at one point during the last session when we were discussing anger. I couldn't hold her gaze and my skirt hem became my fidgety hand's best friend. Awful feeling. So confused and locked up like Ft. Knox. I was ashamed of when I had lost my temper in the past.

What you wrote about flying while trying to learn how to fly is so how I have felt for years. Addiction is no surprise, given my history. Such a struggle and confounding as heck! Not doing so well with the not destructing, but that's going to be baby steps I think.

I have heard and read about IFS, but it really scared me due to what T #1 did to my mind. She had me so parted out and convinced that I had DID, that anything remotely that seeks to separate me really throws me for a loop. My current T asked me to do some drawings about me and my little self, and that sent me reeling the entire weekend. We're going to have to go about this in a different way until I know how to manage my reactions. I'm just not safe in that regard. I think, if I'm understanding her, we're going to take one emotion at a time and look at a them in the context of my life experiences. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

I do agree with Junebug about mindfulness. Even something that helpful seems to send me sideways and I do tend to spiral as I feel I must come up with something to meditate on or be able to empty my mind. The closest I can get to that is to pray and talk to God, and read the word and listen to worship music. That is the only way I seem to be able to step back from all of this. God's love is bigger and stronger than my fear.

Junebug - What you discussed about anger is dead on. I don't have the skills either. I bottle it up or take it out on myself. My T was interested in hearing about times when I just couldn't keep it locked in and of course I overreacted and then shame came into the room and never left. I hear you. And, yes, all of this goes back to FOO issues and has been layered and complicated over the years as thought and behavior patterns were set when I was you without my knowing it, so I've lived out the retraumatization of myself over the years by others and myself to the point where now I'm a mostly isolated, cowering mess. A CPTSD poster-child, in other words. Thank you for your kind observations and insights. I'll keep working with my T and trying to bring in light and building strength through my faith and the help of fellow travelers. :hug:

Must jet off to work. Thank you for all that you have given to me.

VB :)

.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I couldn't hold her gaze and my skirt hem became my fidgety hand's best friend. Awful feeling.

That is very much like me, too. I hardly ever make eye-contact and just "sneak" glances at my therapist every now and then most of the time.

to the point where now I'm a mostly isolated, cowering mess. A CPTSD poster-child, in other words.

I feel like I am like that, too- a mostly isolated, cowering mess. But I know there is more to me than that, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. For example, I spent most of today (other than when in therapy) cowering and bed, separated from the world. I finally got up about an hour ago and since then I have done some laundry, changed the sheets on the bed, cut out some more of a sewing pattern, and printed the pages to the book I am working on. Yet, I still feel like I failed, but I have to remember this is a time to be gentle with myself and celebrate the fact that I did get out of bed!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I have heard and read about IFS, but it really scared me due to what T #1 did to my mind. She had me so parted out and convinced that I had DID, that anything remotely that seeks to separate me really throws me for a loop.

Me too...my mom was dx'ed with DID after I left for college, so knowing that was part of what I grew up with made me really resistant to the whole IFS thing. But it's been several months now, where the T gently brings that perspective into the conversation from time to time, and I've done tons of my own research. The movie Inside Out was actually helpful in that respect, too. I'm slowly warming up to the idea. But like I said, I haven't been able to address this stuff directly in the therapy sessions yet. It's just a sub-layer that occasionally comes up in conversation, and that also informs my own work within myself.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I feel like I am like that, too- a mostly isolated, cowering mess. But I know there is more to me than that, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. For example, I spent most of today (other than when in therapy) cowering and bed, separated from the world. I finally got up about an hour ago and since then I have done some laundry, changed the sheets on the bed, cut out some more of a sewing pattern, and printed the pages to the book I am working on. Yet, I still feel like I failed, but I have to remember this is a time to be gentle with myself and celebrate the fact that I did get out of bed!

First, thank you so very much for all you have given me in throughout this thread. :) In response to what you have written above, I would offer what my T has said to me. Look at life as a sliding scale from 1 - 20. Some days you do just well enough to take a shower or get out of bed or eat - you get points for those. Even though you spend most of the day in bed, look at all that you accomplished while out of bed! That's pretty darn amazing. I have a hard time acknowledging when I get things accomplished, even if mundane like doing the dishes or laundry - those are things that we can or cannot do often times, so always give points and celebrate what you can accomplish despite all else that you have on your emotional plate. Right? P.S. I'm speaking to myself at the same time. lol I try to log all that I do. I used to start the day slow and then was able to manage to turn it around. Not so good at that anymore, but the points thing I get as it doesn't have to be a steady burst of energy or accomplishment, it's a total for the day. No judgment if it's a slow day though. As you said, we have to be gentle with ourselves. We don't fail, because at least we're trying to help ourselves and that takes a lot of energy. If that's all we can do, then so be it. Take care. VB

Dogwoodtree - Wow, what was that like? Growing up with a mom with DID? My mom had mental illness too, but it was more narcissistic/OCD/paranoia - she was just selfish, fastidious, caustic, and negligent, basically. Sometimes, she was nice - go figure. How did you manage? I think I'm just too sensitive right now to even think about IFS. I haven't healed yet from what T # 1 did, so am shaky in this area. I don't trust that I won't go off some deep end. It takes too little to set me down the path to destruction. Trying to keep it simple.

One point, from the music post that I wanted to put here as opposed to there is that when I talked about fear and love not being able to coexist, I was referring to the perfect love between God and His children. I'm sorry if it was confusing. I don't fear God - He is my safe place, always. I can love God and be afraid of a myriad of things, myself, people, and situations in the world, but there is no fear in my relationship with God. I believe that it is within the context of our relationship that true healing will happen. I hope that makes sense. To a lot of people, that might sound airy fairy or downright weird, but it is what I believe as I know I cannot do this alone. Take care. VB

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh @VioletButterfly , I meant I don't have the skills to even write such a post. :sorry: :rolleyes:

Best wishes to you, take care of yourself xox. :hug:

 

[DogwoodTree]

Dogwoodtree - Wow, what was that like? Growing up with a mom with DID?

Actually, I never noticed it myself. I just grew up thinking, she is who she is. I didn't have other women we were close to for comparison (we were very sheltered). I don't really remember her switching much when I was a kid. There were so many other problems, that was not at the top of my list of concerns. She's talked about things she remembered as being issues while I was a kid. Mostly I guess it was her emotional distance that was so damaging. She says she wasn't emotionally available to us at all, and I do remember that part...vividly.

it was more narcissistic/OCD/paranoia - she was just selfish, fastidious, caustic, and negligent, basically. Sometimes, she was nice - go figure

My dad and both step-parents had issues, too. My step-dad, I'm pretty sure, would qualify as a psychopath. He was extremely intelligent, and extremely controlling. He had absolutely no sense of guilt at all, and manipulated people just for the fun of it. None of the adults in my world were able to set their own issues aside long enough to let me be a kid, or to get to know me as an individual. But you're right--sometimes they were very nice in the middle of all of that. But it was always in a self-serving kind of way.

when I talked about fear and love not being able to coexist, I was referring to the perfect love between God and His children

For me personally, I think there is still fear and love co-existing in our relationship with God...well, in mine anyway. There's a deep sense of respect, which helps fuel my self-discipline efforts...that would be a healthy sort of fear. And then for me, there's also an unhealthy sort of fear, where I'm afraid God will abandon me, that he doesn't really love the real me...the kinds of things I learned from my parents' treatment of me. And sometimes I'm afraid that what He thinks is "good" for me will be something that is very painful and difficult to face, and so I have a hard time resting into His plans for me.

So even though I believe God doesn't fear me at all...there is still fear mixed in with my love for Him. Just my thoughts. I was raised with so-so-so much black-and-white thinking in areas of faith...it's been a real relief to find that there can be gray areas even when it comes to my spiritual beliefs.

I believe that it is within the context of our relationship that true healing will happen.

I absolutely agree with this statement.