Not Sure I Should Keep This T

[Samantha_38]

I started with a new T the end of August. There are many reasons why this was especially hard for me. She is only my second T (voluntarily choosen) and I had a hard time leaving my first one. Things ended with my first T due to me moving, but it was still very difficult for me. One of my big problems, for unknown reason was that she's female. I don't know why, but I open up to males SO much better. My trauma would make one think otherwise, but for whatever reason I just have an easier time reading and trusting males.

It's gone...ok. It hasn't been terrible. Her schedule doesn't fit mine well since I have school in the mornings and she does home visits in the afternoon typically. So we've struggled with that. My kids have also gotten sick during the times I have had to go, so I've missed a couple besides. However, when I am there I feel myself trying to get out of it. Even having sick kids, I feel myself almost using that to get out of it. It is the same things I used to do and feel during involuntary therapy when I was growing up.

I say things to make her happy. I don't talk about what I should. My last T could see those things and he would push a bit. Not that he'd push too much, and he'd constantly remind me I'm in control, but I'm someone who needs that pushing too. I respond to that. I think my whole life has really just been responding to difficult things, so most of the time making it difficult makes it easier for me to just make a decision and do it.

I don't want to drop her if I haven't really tried, but I don't remember every feeling like this with my last T. I don't know what a good fit is. I guess I just lucked out and got a good fit the first time, but was that a REALLY good fit that I may not find again. I don't want to compare her to him, but it's also not good that I don't feel myself opening up at all either.

I had to call and cancel last week due to my kid being sick and she didn't answer so I just left a message. She never called me back, but I guess I didn't specifically say to. Now part of me doesn't even want to call her back and I just want to try someone different. I know that isn't really fair to her though, or what I'm "supposed" to do. I never felt this way with my first T.

 

[joeylittle]

Now part of me doesn't even want to call her back and I just want to try someone different. I know that isn't really fair to her though, or what I'm "supposed" to do. I never felt this way with my first T.

Remember, it's a business arrangement. What you are supposed to do is find a provider that suits your needs - That's all. it is SO HARD to leave a therapist - I mean, even like this, where you'd rather not be seeing her - it's just full of ways to make one feel guilty.

But you are allowed to move on. I think the fact that you are more comfortable with men is reason enough in itself. Leave her a message thanking her for her time, and that you will no longer be seeking treatment with her.

 

[The Gov]

I think you should tell her exactly what you listed as above for not wanting to see her anymore. As a T she can take it - she might want to explore why you find it easier to open up with males or she might not. She is more likely to refer you to someone else if she is a good practitioner. They want you to be honest with them - they can't help you unless you are. Good luck!

 

[shimmerz]

I can't deal with women T's either. When I choose a T I go with my gut feeling and I tell them right at the start that my needs will and have changed at times and that I will 'switch' who I see for periods of time and not to be offended. If your 'gut' is telling you she isn't right, I would go with that. It doesn't seem to be resistance to therapy as it sounds like your last T you were good with.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thanks everyone!

@The Gov - she already has tried to explore this whole male/female thing. It was like the 2nd session. My transitioning to her was pretty open with my first T still around and helping with some of it. I had told him I struggle with females and I can't remember if I told her or he told her. It also could've just been in my record. Either way, she knows. She asked something about if it had to do with my mom, who although was not physically abusive would always leave me with my dad who was abusive in many ways. To run from him I ended up with many other males abusive in many ways. So something about my mom abandoning me and the only attention I ever got was from males, even though it was bad attention. I think it sounds like a bunch of psychological babble, but I guess maybe. It probably doesn't much matter. If I can't do it right now, I just can't do it.


@shimmerz - I'm glad I'm not the only one who has this issue. It seems somewhat odd even to me. When I was looking for someone, people would be completely astounded when I'd ask if they had male T's. I have struggled finding any male T's, and I don't even live in that small of an area anymore. I have found some generalize ones, but none that deal with Trauma. I could maybe see if she knows of any, but again, that would require some additional communication and I'm struggling to pick up the phone. My "gut" from the very first session thought she wasn't going to work out. Not because I didn't like her, she just didn't feel right. I agreed with my old T to keep trying because it can take some time he said. He's gone now though so I don't have him to ask, and I'm still struggling with it.

It's hard to explain the feeling really. It isn't something I intentionally do, I just automatically shrug off everything and talk about things that aren't bugging me at all. I did that all of the time when I was growing up and random in-home people would show up to evaluate my house. I got so good at faking I do it without trying now. I don't notice until after. When I'm pushed a bit though, then I notice, unfortunately I don't think she notices it or would push if she did.

 

[shimmerz]

@Samantha_38 , all of our lives we are socialized to ignore our intuition. PTSD recovery as I have learned it is all about learning how to listen to our inner voice and adjust accordingly based on it. Assess, reassess, listen again. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
:-)

 

[risingsun]

I say things to make her happy. I don't talk about what I should. My last T could see those things and he would push a bit.

If you are missing your other T that is one thing, but it sounds as though there is a style mismatch between this new T and yourself. I agree with Shimmerz, always trust your intuition. I ignored many red flags with my last therapist and it ended badly (long story that I won't get into here) and I ended up getting hurt by her emotionally.

I wanted it to be "right" so I ignored many things she said that made me cringe or her style that made me feel like it was a business (i.e. Next in line), forgetting everything I said, not letting me bring things up more than once (literally), not taking things I said seriously, even misrepresenting a certain healing modality on her card (but never practicing that modality), etc.

Anyhow, remember, they are working for you. So the question you must ask yourself is, "Is she working for you?"

I know the feeling of "feeling guilty" over it but remember it is about "You" not them. Best of Luck and keep us updated. Warmest to you, Rising Sun.

 

[Jane.l]

It doesn't seem like this T is going to be a good 'fit' for you. I also would only work with a male T - but I just find in general that I mostly interact better with men, my T says I tend to think in more of a male minded way - so maybe there is something in that- but you have to do what works you if you need to work with a male then go with that.

 

[Samantha_38]

Another Questions for all then...

If finding a male T means putting off finding a T that deals specifically with trauma, do you think that's worth it? I think that may be the only way I can accomplish it right now since I can't find any in the area.

In any event I haven't even come close to working on trauma, really, anyways. Obviously most everything stems to that, but I'm a young mom with 2 kids, a fiance', full time grad school...believe me, there is more than enough other things going on that need to be worked out before that could even be a possibility.

My first T basically focused on those things. He knew I'd be moving. The abuse was still happening, although less than when I was growing up. We basically focused on surviving undergrad, getting moved, and getting away from the abuse. Which for me was like leaving the only thing I'd ever known, so "moving away from abuse" was not just like jump in a car and leave. He always said he was just working on me realizing I could trust a T, I could talk about it, and giving me a few things to help get by until the rest can be worked on.

This new T has already said it isn't time to work on the trauma yet. She's constantly asking what I want to work on that isn't trauma related. Tough question, since I feel like my whole life is trauma related. Anyways, it doesn't sound like she's going to work on trauma yet anyways, and I kind of agree it probably isn't there yet, so does it matter if I find an actual trauma T? Or is it just important I find a T that has a better chance of working out? Too much more difficulty in finding the right person may just lead me to give up altogether because it's definitely crossed my mind that there just isn't someone else I'm going to connect with. Even though I know that sounds ridiculous.

 

[Jane.l]

You definitely want someone with experience in PTSD and abuse and I would think a trauma therapist would be a lot more effective at putting the groundwork down to enable you to be able to start dealing with the 'tough stuff'. At the moment it sounds like you are just papering over the cracks which isn't going to do much good long term but I guess if you find it helpful keep doing that until you find a trauma T ? Finding the right person and getting some connection makes a big difference - maybe go T shopping ;) But don't give up

 

[Samantha_38]

@Jane.l - If I could find a male trauma T I would try that person in an instant. Unfortunately apparently where I live male trauma T's don't exist. I have searched online for hours and called many places. There are only a handful of female trauma T's and as far as I can find, no males. Maybe this T will be able to recommend someone who is not coming up in my searches, but that would require more communication.

In order to get someone whom I'm more easily comfortable with, ie. a male, a may have to let it be someone who isn't specifically a trauma T.

 

[Chosen]

My T, who is male, isn't a trauma T. He's helped me for almost 4 years now, and it's worked really well for me. So I wouldn't say it's absolutely necessary. In fact, I'm at a point where I may never need to work with a trauma T because I'm stabilized and focused on the present & future. Many of my PTSD symptoms have gone away or greatly diminished, and while I do somewhat avoid talking about the trauma, there isn't really a point to it because most of my life is no longer impacted. As things come up, then I work through them, but for the most part, I have my own life back. And my T was able to help me with all that without doing any trauma-specific focused therapy. I think if you have a good fit with a T and are willing to work, you'll figure out how best to heal. Remember, it's your path and your healing. Not anyone else's, and each person will be helped differently.