Not Sure What To Do Next

[seekingstability]

I'm finding myself in unchartered waters at the moment. I've been I therapy for two years 21 months longer than planned - I adore my therapist - she's unconventional and honest and human. She challenges me, supports me and I know she loves me.

8 months ago I had a baby - my first - she was my second birth partner - husband was my first. She's been with me through the best and the worst.

Recently I've been struggling with my baby - lack of sleep etc. I went to her last week and told her this. Told her I was worried I was getting depressed. She said 'that's ok' - I know now she meant 'we can deal with this too' but at the time i got frustrated and annoyed - physically pulling away from her and saying 'it's not ok, I can't see an end, I don't see how this is going to get better'.

She let me be angry and then held me and helped me pull myself back together.

It's been a week and I don't want to go back. I don't want to talk about any of this stuff anymore. I'm feeling desperately like I need to hibernate. Get my baby into sleep school. Get my workouts and physical health and diet back on track.

I think I've worked out that my recent dip in mental health has been due to my baby being sick for two weeks - I didn't leave the house apart from to go to the Drs and to therapy. I started to obsess about his sleep and now feel tied to home so I can feed (I'm still bfeeding and he's fussy about his environment during feeds). I just obsess about everything. My world has shrunk and I'm struggling with the shrinking of my identity from wife, sister, friend, employee, surfer... To Mum.

If I could go see her just for a 10 min check in - I would. But I feel too fragile to have a full session. Too much smacks me in the face the whole week until the next session.

And I'm finding myself needing her more and more which is truly disturbing.

Open to any words of advice - thoughts on what to do.

 

[joeylittle]

8 months ago I had a baby - my first - she was my second birth partner - husband was my first. She's been with me through the best and the worst.

Does birth partner mean something along the lines of birth coach? (that's what we'd call it in the US) - as in, person who has gone to classes with you on breathing and pain management etc, and is there helping you actually have the baby?

 

[seekingstability]

Does birth partner mean something along the lines of birth coach? (that's what we'd call it in the US...

Yep. Some would call the role a Doula

 

[Friday]

1. Then do a 10 minute session! :) There's nothing on gods green earth that says you have to do a full 50 or 120 minute session. Consider the money to be worth it to leave when you want to, instead of a loss, if that's the concern (like the old truism, you don't pay a hooker for sex, you pay them to go away :p).


2. Parenting was most probably the single best thing for my PTSD, period. For a whole lot of reasons I won't go into right now. Because that said? I had a bit of a complete breakdown when my son was 9 months old. ((Somewhere between 6mo & 9mo is really common in parenting-land for parents to snap. Not abusive snap, but sheer exhaustion/ boredom/ frustration/ shit-ain't-working! Snap. PTSD? Meant I was looking at a rather more serious thing than that. Like complete mental breakdown.)) As a matter of fact, I laid shit out for my husband in such a way that he had 3 choices : Divorce*, taking our son full time because I was going to check in inpatient for 30/60/90 days, or meet my demands. And they really were demands, not a discussion, no compromise possible, flat out demands. I would be happy with any of those three things, but nothing less, so one of them was going to happen. Period.

* Divorce was on the table because at the time I had all of the drawbacks of beig a single parent and none of the benefits. Benefits being childcare, WIC (a food program for women/infants/children), and a whole lot of other things. Single parents have to have their ass covered 6 ways from Sunday, but it's also completely doable. Being married meant that I couldn't use any of the resources available for single parents, but it also meant I had zero help that was expected of married parents... Because my (now ex) husband is a rat bastard. (I didn't really know that back then).

LOL... My list of demands probably won't be helpful to you... In part because they were stupid basic (sleeeeeeeeeep! & food! & money? Maybe money?); & In part because I went through my identity crisis & found solutions to them first when I was pregnant (because it meant I could no longer work in my field), and then the first couple months after my son was born while I worked out the "Oh yeah. Babies are portable!" thing (and how to facilitate that!), and "My brain is turning into oatmeal!" thing, and how to have a life that wasn't just cooking/ cleaning/ childcare... Then, the older he got? The easier it got (practice + increasing independence).

But 6-9mo? That's really when all the glaring problems new parents face really come into focus for most people. The beginning they're changing soooo fast, and it's all new, and it's a constant go-go-go vertical learning curve that it pure and simple takes awhile for things to stabilize. Once they do? Something(s) usually need to change! Whether it's identity stuff, or basics, or parenting styles, or, or, or. They've been around long enough, now, that the long term problems -whatever they are- have spotlights on them!

 

[shell]

I personally would focus first on getting sleep assistance help for yourself and the baby, I wish someone had suggested it to me earlier as I was constantly exhausted and struggled for years and it wasn't good for my son, and it made every thing seem worst for me. The government assisted help sites have excellent help lines available for your use.

The day to day basics become impossiple without sleep.

I would not let go of therapy either, although it may need a change of focus away from trauma if that is what is currently happening.

Setting a consistant routine for you and your baby can make a massive change to stress levels.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. Hope your son is feeling better now and that sleep has improved a little for both of you.

If what you really want is just a 10min check in with your therapist at the moment, could you just do that? Perhaps over the phone? Sounds like she really cares about you and you have a close relationship, so could you call/email her to say you're exhausted and feeling too fragile to feel up to attending full therapy sessions just now, so can you make a short term arrangement to do a quick check in call once a week to tide you over until you feel up to returning to the usual therapy pattern?

 

[barefoot]

And as @shell says, maybe you then need to review the focus of your therapy so that you get whatever it is that you need at the moment.

 

[Seasounds]

Three thoughts:
1. Yes, your need to talk to and take distance from the doula make since. You've created a supportive relationship to get through your birth; postpartum is part of that process. And, with you needs being different, of course it is a task to speak your new needs. Do your best to just be you and to no worry about how she will take it. If she has good training she will be able to flow with you. Your hormones are still in flux. Giving birth can be traumatizing and can result with isolating behavior.

2. Let the doula relationship take a rest for now; if she is a friend, she may not be able to deal with intense feedback coming her way.

3.. Find a new therapist or new psychiatrist: I've recently become aware of some who specialize with post partum women- they sound very empathetic, kind, and smart,
They can provide the personal and medical support you may need, to get through this time. They often are women so went through what you are going through.

Good care and kindness to you

 

[seekingstability]

But 6-9mo? That's really when all the glaring problems new parents face really come into focus for most people.

Thanks Friday. Will go for a ten min session. Drive an hour there and an hour back... And if I stay I stay.

 

[seekingstability]

The day to day basics become impossiple without sleep.

I would not let go of therapy either, although it may need a change of focus away from trauma if that is what is currently happening.

Setting a consistant routine for you and your baby can make a massive change to stress levels.

Thanks shell, I think this is what I need to do.

 

[seekingstability]

Cheers barefoot. X

 

[seekingstability]

@Saetva, I don't really understand your post. Or maybe you didn't understand mine. Thanks for your reply though.

To clarify - my therapist and I have been working on trauma - not postpartum support. She was there for the birth purely to keep me grounded and present - pain makes me dissociate.

X