Childhood Not sure what to do with these

[Anarchy]

Can you look for women's refuges?
What you are enduring is in effect (if not in name) a hostage type situation.

Your mother controls your finances, and your contacts with the outside world. She sabotages your attempts at freedom and self determination in order to keep you trapped. And she abuses you, painting herself as the simultaneous victim and rescuer.

She can broadcast the bull sh!t of Poor her that she's got to look after an ill daughter, but look at the efforts she makes and how she suffers...

It's a shitty game that she won't easily be made to give up

State sector Social services can often (not always) be slow, bureaucrapic and lazy,. You are often better with charities and activists, rather than with people who are waiting for their seniority and then for their pensions to mature, and don't want controversy to get in the way.

One of my friends on the forums here, describes dealing with state sector bureacracy as being like dealing with their narcissist mother, something that seems simple and straight forward can become unbelievably complicated convoluted and infuriating. Be ready for that, and don't let it crush you!

I've just had a look at Ayaan Hirsi Ali's Foundation website. She's Somali born, and has resources intended for women looking to escape mutilation, forced marriage, "honour" violence and domestic captivity. Situations that have considerable overlap with yours!

Unfortunately the resources sheet downloads as 7 blank pages!

For jobs, you are probably best off looking at a job as a temporary way to get out of the house for a few hours each day. From what you have shared, your mother is almost certain to take pleasure in sabotaging it. See it as a way to get out of the house and to get a chance to call people on your way too and from work, and in your lunch break.

Don't go for the big chains. It's the small businesses that you are likely to stand most chance with.

Ideally you need to be starting afresh far away from your mother and her tentacles, so if you do look for a local job, look to use it to plan the escape for you and your dog!.

Good luck!:hug:

 

[Anarchy]

Ladee said it better than I did.

 

[Klo]

Thank you both for the encouragement. I really do appreciate it.

I think I'm honestly just scared. My dissociative symptoms have been flaring up a bit, I don't have much sense of time, and think it is the wrong day like every other day. I thought today was Saturday and felt very disoriented and confused when my mother's husband was leaving for work, yet she is still here. Turns out she is working from home today I guess, since she is executive level she can do that when she wants to. I eventually found a clue in my environment that let me ground into what day it really was. I'm not sleeping at night and getting about 6 hours of sleep during the day, but won't today because she is home. I know this is just hypervigilance anxiety stuff, though. My brain is doing its robotic-like calm for me, which is helpful. I can type, search online and make lists. Those sorts of things. I also remember it now. That is why I had to wait until Monday to call the doctor's office, because she is here today, instead of at her office at work. So it makes sense when I think about it, it just comes to me kind of laggy in my head I guess. Okay. Sorry typing as I am thinking.

I also remember why my brain or body is getting scared. Over a week ago roughly (my sense of time is still not doing so hot but it's something like that range I think) I told my brother about the DVD's. He was acting really strange already and I was worried that my mother was putting him up to something, so I was just honest and told him that his strange behavior was making me worried about that and just flat out asked him if it was the case. We got to talking about our mother and I wound up just blurting out some stuff like about the DVD's and a couple things she did to me when I was younger. He had a completely eerie silence the whole time. He wouldn't say anything and just had a stone face. After some awkward silence I just changed the topic, and then we pretended like I hadn't said anything. Now the signs of the smear campaign have started. I never should have said anything. I just feel like something terrible is going to happen.

 

[ladee]

Then get out before it does, and take the DVDs with you..... you are not being paranoid.... you have legitimate reason to feel and think the way you do.... and if nothing else, it's all going to come to a head now.... that can be a good thing... but think 'smart', even if you are foggy brained, you are making sense to us.... get you and your dog out of there.....

You told for a reason, you are tired of carrying this by yourself... and if your brother turns traitor, then that is simply more validation to get out.... will try to check in today from work... hang in there, you have lots of support here.... thinking of you.

 

[Klo]

If I go to the hospital on Monday and they try to make me stay there, then my dog will be here by himself and they might do something to him while I am gone. If they did that though then everyone would know in the end that they got rid of my dog while I was in a hospital and they wouldn't really be able to make others think that they are good people anymore. So maybe they wouldn't do it. They only ever do things that they can get away with. If the only way they might get caught doing something horrible is if I were to tell someone then they will do it because they already use smear campaigns behind my back so that nobody will speak with me and everyone avoids me or ignores me. God only knows what they have said about me at times to make people not even speak with me. I am so tired I am not sure if they could come up with something that would explain why they had to get rid of my dog while I am in a hospital. Or do I go to the rehabilitation office instead. I don't have to make a decision until Monday morning since that is when I will be going to one of these two places, on Monday during the day. I know it probably sounds nuts but I feel like I have some other part of me in my head that is trying to get out basically. I had a therapist years ago that thought I had DID. I don't ever think that what I have is exactly like that. I looked at lots of forums about DID at the time and people had lists of alters with names and ages and hobbies and everything and I have nothing like that. They are not like actual different personalities and I am also aware that they exist so there is no major amnesia either. It is just more like parts of my own mind and one of them is extremely agitated and upset and has been since the DVDs and I even got rid of all the photos of my face in the house because it was making it worse. I do remember it started with the wedding photo but then I had to get rid of all of them. My memory is just botched to hell right now I think it is just because I am so tired and normally is not this bad. I have until Monday to actually decide what I am going to do though don't have to figure it out for sure right this minute.

 

[Klo]

I just need to dump these thoughts somewhere might spam this thread today just venting and dumping nothing more.

I don't really know what to think of my brother. My brother's presence when I was young was often a negative impact for me even though I loved him very much. Sometimes when insane shit would be happening in the household my brother would just tune it out like it was not even happening which increased the derealization feeling of everything and made it even worse. Such as one time when we were kids and my father had cornered my mother in the laundry room and he was slamming things around and acting insane. I was standing outside the laundry room on the other side of the door holding a kitchen knife and basically just preparing myself in case I had to stab him to death if he tried to kill my mother. My brother was at the other end of the basement siting and playing video games like he was completely oblivious. I often felt like I had to handle things because otherwise nobody else would. My mother was always despondent and did not protect herself or us. She could also be just as mean and crazy sometimes. My father was constantly drunk and a danger to himself and the rest of us. My brother was mostly unresponsive to everything and it was like he was basically a sack of potatoes when shit was hitting the fan. Later in life I learned that he was probably in a dissociative state but I didn't understand that when we were kids. All I understood really is that someone had to do something sometimes and there was nobody but me to do it in many cases. So I just did. That is just how it was. Other times my brother's presence was negative for me because our parents were always trying to pit us against each other and often to make me feel bad. My brother was encouraged to be mean to me to the point that he would sometimes do it on his own. Such as one time when he flushed something I owned down the toilet and it actually broke the toilet. Our parents pretended to assume that I must have flushed my own possession down the toilet (????) and flew at me in a wild rage while I screamed that I hadn't done it why would I have done it and knew my brother probably did it because he had an obsession around that time with destroying the plumbing like taking the pipes apart under sinks and such. When they "realized" that my brother had done it, they thought it was hilarious. Sometimes my father would whisper things to me such as that when my brother grew up, he would be able to beat me up and would hate me. It was just constant mind games. But I still loved my brother all these years. Just instinct I guess. He was younger and smaller than me and I could just sense in a way that he just wanted to be loved. The things our parents did was never his fault even if they wanted us to hate each other. By the time were adults though it felt like it had worked to an extent. There were years when he disowned me without any explanation whenever our mother decided that I was bad for unknown reasons and would be outcast for a while. When I spend time with him we can only ever talk about the things he cares about, finds interesting, his day, his ideas, and so on. I just have to mirror him completely or he shuts down and loses interest or even acts irritated. The one thing though is that between the two of us nobody could ever get me laughing like my brother could. Sometimes we would get each other laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. In those moments it has always been like it was the real us even if for just a few minutes. Like when we were little and would sneak out into the woods and get away from the house and our parents for a while, and there was no tension or confusion or danger or anything bad about it. I couldn't help but love him.

My freshman year of high school my mother had an online boyfriend who lived in Europe. She had also gotten a job doing clerical work for a lawyer. She and my father were still married at the time so she was basically having a very open affair which was driving my father to especially disturbing behaviors and nastiness and he was severely drunk every single day and night. My father was a real piece of garbage so I never faulted her for wanting to be with someone else. But the problem was that she didn't care about my brother and mine's safety at all. Our father was constantly drunk and dangerous and also when he was drunk he would act like he couldn't tell the difference between my mother and myself and he would take out on me whatever he wanted to do to my mother. He would say things to me like how I looked just like my mother and he would be smirking but obviously full of hate and then he would do whatever he wanted to do. He was actually afraid of my mother. Sometimes he might act like he might hit her but she would give him a look and he knew better. So then it was going to be me instead who would take his hatred. The more openly she was having this strange affair with this man online the more insane my father became. When she first got the job and was saving the money I had been hoping that it was because she was planning to get us out of there using the money. Sometimes she would get in the car at night and just drive off and be gone the whole night so that my father could take out his issues on us without her having to be around for it and then she would be back in the morning. It was complicated because in a way I would deliberately get my father's attention but it was so that he would leave my brother alone. I was so protective of my brother I was just constantly horrified that our father would do something to him. Whenever there had been a time when my father had been alone with my brother at all I would ask my brother about it and would be relieved when my brother just reported that our father had just acted retarded due to being drunk and saying stupid or "funny" things but that was it. The rest of the time I made sure my father's attention was focused on me with my brother in his room playing video games with the door shut. That was the only way I could protect him and he complied without me even having to say anything I would just shut his bedroom door and he would stay in there. It turned out instead that my mother had been saving the money to go visit her online boyfriend and she left us for a couple weeks. I remember the day she left and the day she returned but I have never been able to remember anything between. I have no idea what happened during those weeks. It's all just completely gone from my mind without a trace. When she got back she cried to me and told me she wished that she had never had to come back. I didn't know what to say so I just held her hand. Shortly after that my parents divorced and my father moved out. Shortly after he moved out I had a complete mental breakdown but I was still holding on. I couldn't stop crying or screaming but mentally I was still there in my head. But the last thing I remember is that our mother had our father come to the house and take my brother. After everything I had done to try to keep my brother safe from our father my mother sent my brother away with him. I saw our father taking my brother out the front door and vanishing into the night and then I disappeared.

 

[Anarchy]

Does your mother have any dealings with the local vet?

Veterinary nurses often have a circle of contacts who will look after pets in emergencies, or can put you in touch with people who can organise that care.
Even if it delays you by a couple of days, it's worth the peace of mind to get your dog to safety. I'll try to speak to my ex tonight to see if she has other suggestions.

Can you start a thread here, asking for suggestions for escaping from an abusive family? There may be safer options than doctors and hospitals. I think someone mentioned YWCA, there are women's shelters etc as well.

Take the DVDs

I'm really glad that you are planning your escape!

 

[Crow]

Try these resources for your dog. You need to get out.
There are dozens of other organizations nationwide that will provide both grants to you and safe haven for your animal if your pet can't go to a shelter with you. Your symptoms will continue to get worse if you do not remove yourself. People will help you navigate leaving.
RedRover Relief | RedRover
Dead Link Removed
Safe Havens Mapping Project for Pets of Domestic Violence Victims | Animal Welfare Institute

And for resources for yourself, start here When Georgia Smiled: The Robin McGraw Revelation Foundation -

 

[Klo]

I think I am going to go to the rehabilitation office in secret on Monday. I tried to look up online what to expect when going to the emergency room for mental health problems and it was nothing but horror stories. I'm probably not going to do that now. But I will go to the rehabilitation office on Monday and see what they are about. Might as well find it if they can help me or not. Will figure things out from there. Thank you for all of the links I will look at them all before the end of the weekend. My brain is just dumping a bunch of thoughts and memories right now. I'm okay in the most basic sense. My brain is just doing its thing right now. My mother just tried to talk to me a little while ago wanting to talk about the photos and some part of my mind basically told her very politely to shut the f*ck up and she did and went away.

I really need to sleep. I think that's the biggest issue at this moment in time. I have some old 10mg Zyprexa pills from years ago that I save in a secret place because they are highly sedating and I use them in rare emergencies when I can't sleep. One usually knocks me out for like 10-16 hours. I am going to take one and just lie down and wait.

 

[Kintsugi]

In my (admittedly limited) experience, many (if not most) organizations that support people through DV situations would consider your situation domestic violence, which is also sometimes called family violence (for this very reason--to eliminate the myth that DV is always spousal).

You do qualify as having a disability if you have PTSD, in most org's eyes, again, from my limited understanding.

Have you tried the good old fashioned unemployment office?

 

[Anarchy]

I spoke to my ex

She said to check out that any dog rescue organisation or network doesn't euthanise the dogs, lots of pounds and shelters do it after a week or so as a matter of policy.

My ex is part of a network of people who look after pets on an open ended basis.

Vet nurses often have a circle of reliable people for rescuing, looking after and if necessary re homing pets.

 

[Klo]

Well that pill knocked me out for about 23 hours straight it looks like, if the time stamps are correct. I feel pretty damn stiff and groggy still. I don't qualify for any unemployment benefits, but I do still intend to go the rehabilitation office on Monday.