Childhood Not sure what to do with these

[Anarchy]

Glad that you and your dog are both safe.

Are you able to get a couple of USB memory sticks? And an adaptor so that you can plug them into your phone. I can't remember what capacity DVDs are, I think they're about 12 gig each. If there's a computer at home at home or at your brother's with a DVD drive that youcan use while no one's there...

You can copy the DVDs onto one of the sticks

Then at your leisure you can copy them from one stick to the other.

Sticks are easier than DVDs to smuggle out of the house, and for example, smuggle to a T appointment.

A media player like vlc will play video from a memory stick, on a phone or a tablet.

You can then offer to show the T some examples of what you are dealing with, and how implicated, untrustworthy and poisonous your mother is in your life. You can even offer to lend the T one of the sticks.

Good luck!
@

 

[Klo]

They didn't call me today. I'm just reminding myself that the receptionist used the word "probably."

"He will probably call you this afternoon or tomorrow. But yes we are taking new patients right now."

I had called a place before that, and the receptionist told me that they wouldn't accept me because they don't do private pay and basically hung up on me.

I still went back to the website a little while ago and used the feature on the website to request an appointment. With the way it's set up, I think the request goes right to the psychiatrist, himself. So did that just in case somehow the receptionist didn't pass on the info for some reason, or wrote down my phone number wrong, or something.

I hope it's not because I have a bad reputation as a 'problem patient' in the area. I know psychiatrists/therapists are not supposed to discuss patients with each other, but I am also sure that they totally do, 'off the record' and such. Over the years I've seen a few different psychiatrists and have butted heads with all of them at some point because they wouldn't really listen to me and wanted to put me on anti-psychotics, wouldn't let me take medication that had actually been helpful for me in the past.

For example choosing to be homeless for a while rather than moving back in with my mother and her husband, one psychiatrist concluded that I must have been "manic" to make a choice like that, labeled my schizoaffective bipolar type and then always talked to me like I was just "paranoid" and refused me an anti-depressant with an attitude like, "You just want to be manic again because it feels good." Like no bitch, I was not manic or paranoid, and I definitely did not "feel good." Ugh.

 

[ladee]

Well, the day isn't over... you may still hear from him... he may wait until after regular office hours to do this kind of intake... but glad you went ahead and did the appt via the site.... hang in there, Help is on the way.......

And if they are taking new patients.... he can not, legally, refuse his service until or after he has spoken with you and made his OWN assessment....I still feel he will see you... taking the CD's is going to help you not have to try and find words to explain this insanity.... you didn't have proof, or was unable to express what is going on... the CD's are more powerful than anything you could say....

 

[Klo]

Yeah I'm trying not to be too ironic. "I'm not paranoid, and I bet other psychiatrists told you bad things about me, didn't they?!" I can still poke fun at myself, so I guess I'm not totally off the deep end yet. I'm just so used to not being believed or having my concerns dismissed. I get preemptive anxiety. The DVDs are in a very hidden place in the house. I check on them every day to make sure they are still there. If he calls me and lets me have an appointment, I will try to give him a chance, but then bring in the DVDs next session if he gives me a hard time.

 

[ladee]

Good idea.... and ya, you do still have a sense of humor.... you are hanging in there tighter than you think.. and you are a lot more sane than you believe....let us know what happens..

 

[Ocin]

Hey Klo I am thinking positively in your direction. I've been in that space myself in the past few years. For me it was the push and pull as I separated enough cognitively from those who neglected me/permitted the abuse to begin to see how abnormal my family culture is vs the parts of me that didn't know I was older ("kill yourself, at least you can control whether you live or die"), the child part of me that speaks ahead of my mother to minimize her ability to harm ("you are all mixed up. . . You should just quit and move home. . .you are crazy. . .you are ruined") and finally grown up competent adult me who was and is realizing just how much terror, neglect and emotional abuse I've endured.
Knowing that you must make a major change without knowing what the future will hold is frightening. Especially when you've been told you can't trust your judgement, your sense of reality is routinely undermined and history is or erased or revised by your own flesh and blood.
#1 Basic needs: safety, shelter, food, medical care
Once #1 is in place the rebuilding begins, and with that fully grieving (like you would a death)the things you deserved as an infant/child/teen but did not receive.
In accepting the past we can actively chose to work towards a different future.
PS _no one_ likes the vulnerability of finding a new shrink. Most pdocs have their preferences of patients/conditions they are best able to treat, hence the doc doing the screening. Even if they were to say they can't help you, you would be in your right to ask for a referral to someone who can. Explain that you are interested in therapy to work through depression but medication has helped in the past, and you think you might need it again. Folks who specialize in attachment, trauma, family therapy, and psychodynamic psychotherapy would pick up on the red flags in your family history and would "get" the bind you are in. Just avoid anyone who does short "Med management" visits. You don't at all sound like a patient who would have a reputation. And we don't sit around discussing cases by name. Most of us prefer to chit chat about every day things when we gather. Reference the "double bind" theory if you ever again get questions about homelessness vs living with mom.
It took years to get us all tied up in knots, it will take time to get us free. But you are on the path!

 

[Klo]

No call today. Just moving on then I guess. There is a facility about half an hour's drive away that has psychiatrists/therapists and does sliding scales, which means they wouldn't reject me just because I use Medicaid / pay out of pocket. So I will call them in the morning until I get through. Tried to call previously but recording kept saying the line was bust and to just leave a VM. Or maybe that is just how they screen all calls by default. So I guess if I don't get through after several tries again then I will leave a VM.

My mother bought a $10k boat a couple years ago that she doesn't spend much time on. Asked me to go spend time on it with her. I said no. Then she left to go out of state on business for a couple days. Her husband is also out of town on business for the week. So I have a couple days by myself. It actually is nice not having any photos of me in the house. When I walk around the house, it looks like I have never existed, no trace of me, like it's all just kind of a strange and bad dream, me being here.

 

[ladee]

Have you tried calling the first Dr again?? And hope the other one works out....
Glad you said no to the boat... that gives me the creeps....
Enjoy your time alone... and relax... and stay hydrated and eat good.... some good 'me' time with your dog..
Gentle hugs.

 

[Klo]

Still no return call from the one place, and it has been a week now. Tried getting through to the other place today, multiple calls, none of them had someone pick up, just a recording saying that the receptionist is busy. I left a message with my name, number and asking someone to call me back regarding questions about becoming a patient. So more waiting. My mother seems excited over the idea of me being "mentally ill" again, so she has been hovering about it ever since she got back. She told me that nobody is calling me back because of the way I sound on the phone, basically that I sound like a wimp (I probably do sound like I have anxiety, since well, I do). She offered to make the calls for me, since as she puts it, "I don't ask, I demand, and I sound like it would never occur to me that people won't obey. So people do obey me. That's how it works." I just changed the subject to something boring and then walked away. So then she started texting demanding to know if I had some coffee mug of hers, which I don't, and then acting like she thinks I stole her coffee mug. I guess? Just up to her usual mindf*ckery. My emotional jets have been cooling off a bit. Still anxious and depressed, but not nearly as bad a last week. Felt like I was losing my mind for a little bit there.

 

[Kintsugi]

Wow. Your mom is f*cking nuts Klo. I know you know that. But damn. F*cking crazy.

 

[Ocin]

Encourage her to use those advocacy skills to arrange her own commitment hearing.:wacky:

 

[ladee]

How are you doing today Klo... thinking about you... hoping you and your dog are safe... sending gentle hugs.... let us know how you are if you feel like it.