Childhood Not sure what to do with these

[ladee]

I don't think it would be weird.. He has a FB page to help rehome dogs.. even if he doesn't remember you, that is something he does.... hope you wait to see what happens tomorrow before you make plans for your furbaby.... and it has to be a personal choice... you have such pure love for your dog, thinking of his welfare when you leave... if it comes to having to rehome him, I would sure contact this guy... he may have other fosters that take care of dogs until adopted... there are many rescue sites out there, and think they are vetted very seriously before being allowed to do business.... and I am like you... My rescue will never go to a pound.... I will live in my car if I have to.... but also want you to know there are many food banks that now also have dog food... so even if he doesn't get vet care until it something you could afford, he would still eat...
So, let us know about tomorrow... really hoping you get some helpful hopeful news and that you can get out of there, and hopefully with your dog.... thinking of you...

 

[shimmerz]

No, not inappropriate. I think he would respect the fact that you care enough for your dog to have him placed properly. I would say for sure contact him. Oh, and I used to run a rescue for animals. I was always grateful when people cared enough about their animals that they went out of their way to make sure they were properly placed. Life happens right? Hardest thing (almost) I ever did was to have to place my last dog because I couldn't take care of him properly.

 

[Klo]

Just in case, I have gathered all of my belongings together.

I have 5 outfits of sweatpants, shorts, t-shirts and sweaters, socks and one bra.

My laptop, a phone that has a $45 recharge fee per month (cards bought at a store), earbuds.

Deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, hairbrush, sanitary pads.

A little wallet purse with I.D. in it, and a blanket.

If necessary I can throw it all into a trash bag to carry it.

But I won't go anywhere unless I can bring my dog or until I can make sure he is with a really loving new person.

There are no women's shelters showing up on the map in my area. But I think this might be because they are secret. Like for women escaping dangerous partners, so that the partners wouldn't be able to find those women. So maybe if I ask about it at the rehab office they might be able to tell me.

 

[Klo]

I found a shelter. I have emailed them anonymously using a throwaway account to ask them some questions. One question if they can accommodate a small dog or if I need to rehome the dog first, the other question if they are still willing to work with someone if the person is not currently employed. I will wait to get a response from them in the throwaway email inbox and see what they say.

 

[ladee]

How great !!!!! Please let us know what they say.... and you have a plan, that is great also... And remember, you are over 21, you have enough sanity to plan your escape and plan for a safe place for yourself and your dog.... that does not sound like a 'crazy' person to me, sounds like a woman who knows to save her life she has to run for her life.... so excited for you... hope you hear from the shelter soon... sending you angel wings to fly far away !!!! And you get to begin a new life... we are here for you... and sometimes shelters help with phone cards too... Be safe, thinking about you !!!!

 

[Klo]

Part of me feels so embarrassed and guilty. I hope the people who decide who can stay at the shelter for a while are able to understand. I imagine that they will ask me questions to determine if I am a candidate, and when I try to think of how to words things, to me it sounds like I am just being too sensitive. I don't know. My mother and her husband do not lay hands on me or anything like that. They do not abuse me other than psychologically and emotionally in that I am not allowed to show any negative emotion or say anything unacceptable without them possibly acting insane, but still not laying hands on me. It is so hard to live here because I have so much terrible history with my mother. Things she did and said when I was younger. Times when she has acted insane during my adulthood too that scared me but then she denies it. She let my biological father do terrible things to me and told me to never tell anyone. I just feel like I am constantly on the edge of sanity in this house. I feel like actually getting my life together would be so much easier if my mental health was better like being able to sleep normally and not always be on edge and dissociated a lot. Plus how to explain how nobody in my life would take me in. Like my brother lives in a big house with three extra bedrooms. But he also plays along with me being the scapegoat that is defective. Like I have some terrible unspoken contagious disease. I can't imagine people would not think there is something very wrong with me if they know that nobody in my life will help or take me in. But I know that I just need to try not to overthink it. Just wait for a response and take it one step at a time.

 

[ladee]

Klo, the most insidious abuse is mental.... it is crazy making, makes us doubt our own reality, if the right people aren't listening, we sound like we are just whining and being misunderstood.... I absolutely understand what your concerns are.... but you can say what you just shared !!!!! That sums up the environment you live in... a grown woman who is not allowed to say or express any emotions except what is acceptable by your parents????? yes hon, that is ABUSE.....

I have lived my life minimizing the emotional abuse and my body is paying a dear price.... from keeping the stress under wraps, not expressing myself unless I was a raging lunatic because I could not contain it one second longer..... I wish neither of us had to walk this path... but you are not alone... and you have a much more clear head than I ever did about this.... so that is why I keep saying I am so proud of you ..... You and I have been so abused.. so mistreated, so invalidated, so not heard, that we are struggling to even understand , sometimes, what is real..... and I am many years into my healing journey.....

So, like I said, just share what you just wrote.... they are going to hear you.... people do know more about mental abuse now,,,,, no we don't go in with a black eye, but if the could see our soul, they would see the gashes and bruises and unhealed wounds..... we matter... you matter.... and you keep right on doing what you are doing to find your freedom.... you are amazing and smart and want so bad to have a chance..... sending gentle hugs for your fighting spirit.... you can do this.... !!!!

 

[Klo]

I'm not really sure what is happening to me. I feel like I am cycling through different intense emotions and perceptions too fast. Something feels very wrong. It is like one hour I feel suicidal, the next hour I feel like beating my mother with a hammer, the next hour I feel like running away and dying somewhere privately maybe just starving outside, the next hour is just gone completely, the next hour I feel numb, the next hour I feel a sense of hope, the next hour I don't know what to do, the next hour nothing makes sense, the next hour everything makes sense, the next hour I think I should give up my dog for adoption, the next hour if I lose my dog I will die. Something is just very wrong. I cant retreat into my mind like I normally can. I feel a terrible feeling in my chest. Something is just wrong. I go through periods of rage or grief but something is different about this time. I am going to take a shower and go to the hospital. Thank you all so much for your support. It has helped me a lot.

 

[Anarchy]

:hug::hug::hug:

Hoping that you are ok. When you get the opportunity, please let us know how you are doing.
If you are still at home by the time you read this, asking for a women's refuge would be safer than hospital. You won't get drugged there, and they will listen to you, rather than pathologise you.

In terms of abuse;
You are over 21,
Your mother sabotages any jobs you get, and would only let you study / train for a job that would absolutely freak you out (nursing)
She keeps you trapped and financially dependent and stops you from establishing the independent life that is your right.
She then plays the victim/rescuer/persecutor (all of the roles of the karpman drama triangle! Look it up) that you are crazy, that she has to look after you, poor victim that she is...

Those are ongoing abuses

Then there are the past ones, the sadism, the desertion of responsibility, and the sexual stuff that she exposed you to from your bio father.

Hoping that you are safe:hug:
@

 

[ladee]

Please, when you can, let us know how you are.
Thinking of you. Hoping you are safe.

 

[Klo]

Sorry everyone. I had a panic attack in the Uber and asked him to turn around, and came back home. In the end I was too scared to leave my dog. I got back home and held my dog and cried for a while. I just needed to cry for a while. My mother tried to gaslight me half to death and acted creepy, though she did not know what I had been planning. She left the house for a while (another work from home day) and I did manage to make myself call psychiatrists. The third one would take me according to the receptionist, but she said the psychiatrist himself likes to do the intakes because he really wants to get to know patients and actually have time to talk with them not rushed. She said he will call me sometime tomorrow to talk on the phone and then schedule my first appointment. My mother is willing to pay for psych treatment as long as she thinks it is for a mental illness. So I just have to play those cards right. When I can finally talk to him in private in an appointment I am just going to tell him everything and tell him I need something to help keep me calm and steady so that I can function well enough and consistently enough to think straight and take gradual but persistent action towards escaping with my dog. But I also have to be careful what I say so that he doesn't think I am "paranoid" but I have some time still to think of how I will word it. I hope he will let me go on Effexor because in the past it made me numb but not sedated. That is what I could really use at least for right now. I bet 50% of my mental health would stabilize if my sleep could just get normal. Then I could plan better. So the receptionist promised he will call tomorrow. Thank you all so much for the support. I'll be one step closer tomorrow. I am not in any real imminent danger so please nobody worry or anything. I'm just an emotional mess is all. Just helps to vent it out some.

 

[ladee]

Hon, you owe no one here an explanation, tho I am very happy things turned out as they did. We just want you to get help. And to be able to have a life away from that insanity, and WITH your dog.... And having a new T and hopefully meds that work, will help you to stabilize and not be on the edge all the time...You are very aware of what is going on around you and what she is up to... so let her pay to help you get what you need.... she owes you that.

I am just glad you are safe, and not in a lock down.... and able to stay in touch with us....share all you need to... we are here for you. So good to hear from you... hope you get some sleep tonight, and hope this T is all you need him to be.... if you can, take the CD's to him... I doubt he will think you are paranoid then... not that he will anyway.....

Please keep in touch... we really care what happens to you.... and that you stay safe and have your dog with you all the time... sending gentle hugs...