Relationship Not Sure What To Do

[MurphyJB]

Alright.
A lot of you talk about your sufferers pushing you away and such. Mine is exactly the opposite. He wants me with him every moment of every single day. This obviously isn't possible because I work 65 hours a week and go to school, but he expects me to be with him all the other times. He doesn't grasp the idea of me just wanting alone time. I honestly wouldn't mind this SO much if we could spend time at my apartment instead of his mom's house...but he refuses to even come to my place. It turns into a whole big argument if I want to sleep at my place one night. I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bee. Which again, I wouldn't mind sleeping tree everynight except for the part where he wakes me up 10 times a night. Not on purpose, but he's a very violent sleeper. He wakes up too, but he's not the one that has to wake up at 6:30 every morning and work for 12-14 hours. I really just don't know how to handle this...I haven't seen my friends in a long time, and my roomate wi text me to make sure I'm still alive. I don't want to start a fight, but something has to change.

 

[sisu]

Tough one MurphyJB. Curious...how long have you two been together?? When my BF is "himself" he is sort of like this too. We have constraints that don't allow the 24/7 time together.....our own houses, kids, dogs, jobs, etc. But when we are apart he would call me all the time....if I missed the call and I didn't call back in 30 minutes he would call again.

Currently he is in shut down mode and I haven't talked to him since last Wednesday. He has combat ptsd and January is an anniversary for his time in Afghanistan (where he says he "broke").

Anyway, you need to do what is right for you and if you are feeling smothered, try to carefully talk to him about it. You don't want to wind up resentful and frustrated about this fixable problem. Communications is so important in any relationship ~ ptsd or not.

Good luck! (hugs)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am a sufferer...But IMHO, I think you should set a boundary with him. This is true in any relationship, not just ones with PTSD. If you contuine to let it go like it has it might just get worse.

You are allowed to have your own life!

 

[Iron_Angel]

Hey MurphyJB, that can sure feel like being smothered at times, wrung out and used up. I agree with the above posts. When you set that boundary line, maybe tell him the choice is to have you like it is now, with you tired, burnt out, and worn out, so giving him only a little when you can, OR by giving you a bit of space to recuperate, he can have you rested up, recharged, and ready to focus on him. Quality over quantity.

And if he's still wanting to be clingy, tell him you choose the quality part.

If he needs to know when he can ask for your time/attention, you could give him a schedule. Otherwise, when he intrudes on your Me time, just respond, "I'll get back to you soon, right now it's Me time. Love & Hugs!"

I can tell you from experience that if you don't have that Me time, just for yourself, pretty soon you have nothing left to give anyone, not even yourself. You can't help anyone then. And you might even feel like there's no "Me" left.

Good luck with it!

 

[NikkiNikki]

Before my BF shutdown we were together every chance we got. We didn't live together & we both work and have other things we do without each other but we were together every single chance we got. We spent most nights together, usually at my house, sometimes at his house. We text, emailed, facebooked, and talked on the phone constantly when we were apart. We never went more than an hour or two without some type of communication. I personally loved it, and he did too. So for me going from talking with my BF from morning till night & seeing him nearly every night to nothing at all is really hard to get used to....we always had a great time together...I really miss it.

You should get involved in something, just you. I like to go to Zumba a few times a week and some nights I would go have dinner with my best friends...and he used to go to the gym after work as well. Everyone needs me time.

 

[After Sunset]

MurphyJB, it doesn't sound to me like your boyfriend is showing much respect for your needs. Hopefully this is just because you haven't made them clear enough to him. It can be tricky to say something that amounts to needing to see less of someone without hurting their feelings, but you need to do it, because no-one can be expected to stay in a relationship where their needs are being so ignored over the long-term.

It might be best if you start with explaining the need for just one change to him, instead of hitting him with all of this at once. If I were you, I think I would start with an agreement that you spend a certain number of nights a week at your own apartment in your own bed, because the lack of sleep is going to do more damage than anything else—take that from someone who's been dealing with sleep interruptions from PTSD for over 4 years. It will drive you mental eventually, particularly with a work and school schedule as demanding as yours. Once he has accepted that, and actually abided by the agreement and let you do it without argument, you can move on to the other issues.

PTSD doesn't give us the right to be entirely selfish or to ignore our partners' needs. That just kills the relationships we all so desperately need.