Six Ways to be The Persecutory Therapist *cue the thunder and lightning*

[ms spock]

So here I need to practice Radical Acceptance as well as Radical and Fierce Self Compassion.

 

[ms spock]

She wrote me an email yesterday re times. She's given the time I used to see her at, away. This is good. Someone else who has a need can have it.

She said I could ring her during her lunch hour. Which is what she offered but I did not ask for or accept.

It is what it is.

 

[ms spock]

It was to be expected that the end of a decades long therapeutic relationship would be hard.

That I would grieve for my family again and the losses that I have had.

 

[ms spock]

I am thinking of having a symbolic funeral for my relationship with my psychiatrist.

I will write out the unkind things that she said. I will put all those comments in a shoe box. Then (in a safe place, with a hose on hand) I will cremate what she said. Then our therapeutic relationship will be finished.

I am just thinking about it at the moment.

 

[ms spock]

I am missing events today. The combination of the attack of the tradie and my psychiatrist not behaving in a kind and professional manner has laid me l very low.

I was barely managing after the attack of the tradie. I was low level of functioning.

My psychiatrist knows about the attack last December, in detail, but I would rather lose the complaint than speak to her again.

For my mental health it is just not worth it, given how dishonest and unprofessionally the Insurance Company is behaving. It is too much stress.

 

[ms spock]

I also miss the good things about her. I found a couple of research articles she would have found interesting. She would have been so intrigued by them.

 

[ms spock]

In this caravan, I managed to be present for almost two Irish Gaelic Language Classes. I was vaguing/spacing out at the end. I didn't understand a lot in the advanced class. But I was able to follow what was being discussed. I don't have to be perfect or go beyond what I can manage.

This illustrates what my challenge is. If I am profoundly dissociated I can't learn or retain any information.

This has been a significant issue for me for most of my life.

It took all the energy I had to be mostly present.

If I had gone to the Aboriginal Conversation Circle yesterday. I could not have done this yesterday.

I can't do everything. If I can't manage the basics then what is the point of putting pressure on me to do more.

My psychiatrist kept saying if you just keep doing things that they will become habits. They didn't though.

And because I wasn't connected to my myself I didn't know what I wanted, thought needed and felt. Faking it until I made it didn't work for me as there is so many parts involved. I had to silence parts or cut them off to see her.

My psychiatrist would push me to do more and more and more which ended up with me becoming burnt out, and then crashing with a major depressive episode.

Sadly I started fawning and doing things that I thought that she would want to do. So I imagined what she wanted to do and stuff that.

The little parts are really attached to her. They want to see her.

My psychiatrist said that if I did exactly what she said that I would get better from my PTSD. No mental health professional should say that because if their modalities don't worry then they have you set up to feel like a failure.

However, she did not have the skills to understand me and help me to assist myself. And she did not change tactics when what she was doing didn't help me.

She said that she did not understand what was going on with me. Yet she did not ask me. Why treat someone with a certain modality if you don't understand what is going on with that client? That doesn't seem sensible to me.