littleoc
VIP Member
I just need support.
I know it's less dramatic than losing everything to wildfire, volcanoes, tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, derechos, earthquakes, etc. But this "eviction" will leave me with nothing. And I'm frozen with anxiety trying to save anything, which will make me lose the rest -- if I can even keep that.
By which I mean, I'm on a very low income and am not allowed to make more. But will try to afford a storage unit for items I can save. But will likely lose that too.
I have re-homed every animal, though am waiting to confirm the date the bird I've had for 20 years (⅔ of my life) will be moved.
I originally planned to die in childhood. I wish I had but I guess I'm glad my mom didn't have go deal with that, and now she's dead. Next goal was to pass away after the service dog died, but cats and other animals and my brother needed me.
Now no one will. I am free to do it as soon as I move out. But am in the habit of not hating past me by planning accordingly just in case I don't, so I don't screw myself over.
But I can't save any food. I can't save family heirlooms, but my abusive dad who caused the entire situation to develop this way gets a house and anything I leave behind -- not that I care, but illustrating that my dad's side of the family is f*cked. I lost some weird game of chess with him and he's still trying to get control.
I have a mass in my liver that I genuinely hope is cancer. After I move out of this house, it's a toss up on if I go to the mental hospital or get the liver looked at, but the worry of screwing myself over is a lot less for that because there's less grief in losing my liver. It'd be over quickly once it failed, if it did. No, I don't know that it's cancer, but I'll genuinely be very upset if it isn't. I have lost everything and everyone I love and have nothing left. I do not want to live.
So the packing is a ton of pressure and it might be useless anyway.
I dont know. Not being able to pack is increasing my stress just as much because I feel like I HAVE to try.
I am overwhelmed. I will have nothing. Nothing worked out. No my career, not my housing, not being able to keep my animals, nothing.
I just need to get stuff I want to put in a unit into boxes but every day I am paralyzed in fear. I can't believe my family has put me in a position where I will lose everything time and time again, and now it really is everything.
Shocked I'm not homicidal. Very suicidal though. But can't get help or my brother will get kicked out worse -- my family tends to favor me. They don't treat me well but they treat me the best.
My dad's side of the family is just full of abusers and enablers. I hate myself. I hate being alive.
Mom's side is trying to support but aren't wealthy like they are/were.
I don't know if this post even makes sense. Said a lot that I deleted. I don't know if I even want replies. I wish I'd never been born.
I know it's less dramatic than losing everything to wildfire, volcanoes, tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, derechos, earthquakes, etc. But this "eviction" will leave me with nothing. And I'm frozen with anxiety trying to save anything, which will make me lose the rest -- if I can even keep that.
By which I mean, I'm on a very low income and am not allowed to make more. But will try to afford a storage unit for items I can save. But will likely lose that too.
I have re-homed every animal, though am waiting to confirm the date the bird I've had for 20 years (⅔ of my life) will be moved.
I originally planned to die in childhood. I wish I had but I guess I'm glad my mom didn't have go deal with that, and now she's dead. Next goal was to pass away after the service dog died, but cats and other animals and my brother needed me.
Now no one will. I am free to do it as soon as I move out. But am in the habit of not hating past me by planning accordingly just in case I don't, so I don't screw myself over.
But I can't save any food. I can't save family heirlooms, but my abusive dad who caused the entire situation to develop this way gets a house and anything I leave behind -- not that I care, but illustrating that my dad's side of the family is f*cked. I lost some weird game of chess with him and he's still trying to get control.
I have a mass in my liver that I genuinely hope is cancer. After I move out of this house, it's a toss up on if I go to the mental hospital or get the liver looked at, but the worry of screwing myself over is a lot less for that because there's less grief in losing my liver. It'd be over quickly once it failed, if it did. No, I don't know that it's cancer, but I'll genuinely be very upset if it isn't. I have lost everything and everyone I love and have nothing left. I do not want to live.
So the packing is a ton of pressure and it might be useless anyway.
I dont know. Not being able to pack is increasing my stress just as much because I feel like I HAVE to try.
I am overwhelmed. I will have nothing. Nothing worked out. No my career, not my housing, not being able to keep my animals, nothing.
I just need to get stuff I want to put in a unit into boxes but every day I am paralyzed in fear. I can't believe my family has put me in a position where I will lose everything time and time again, and now it really is everything.
Shocked I'm not homicidal. Very suicidal though. But can't get help or my brother will get kicked out worse -- my family tends to favor me. They don't treat me well but they treat me the best.
My dad's side of the family is just full of abusers and enablers. I hate myself. I hate being alive.
Mom's side is trying to support but aren't wealthy like they are/were.
I don't know if this post even makes sense. Said a lot that I deleted. I don't know if I even want replies. I wish I'd never been born.
