Not sure what's going on with me...

[sunnydays]

Hi all,

I've been trying to figure out my brain and where it's at. I'm 43 and have been going to therapy for a few months, but the more I go, the more realizations I have that things aren't as "normal" as I thought they were. Makes me wonder if I've dissociated, have DID, just a really bad memory?

Here are things I've been thinking about:

1. Had a very chaotic / sometimes "uncomfortable" childhood (the little bit I can remember or things I just "know")

2. Don't remember much of childhood. Have 2 memories of school up until high school, and not much in high school either. Memories I DO have of childhood are more of a gist of what happened with maybe a snapshot or two in my head to go with it.

3. Have had "underlying panic" - like a growing feeling of panic that has nothing to do with what is currently going on. Sometimes it's panic, sometimes anger, sometimes weird feelings or sensations. But usually I feel separate from it, like I'm observing this feeling, but I can feel it at the same time. It's really odd.

4. Somethings make me cry for no reason - was editing something once that said Best Kept Secret, and I bawled out of nowhere. I can't listen to Kesha's song Praying with out feeling terribly angry with someone (not sure who) and break down crying.

5. I've realized I've been randomly saying in my head "Are you alright?" and replying "I'm ok" for as long as I can remember. Never paid attention to the fact that I did that. Is it just a comforting mantra I came up??

6. I do what I guess could be called "maladaptive daydreaming". I know when I was young, I would look forward to being alone at night so I could daydream about characters in books and on tv. Like with the "Outsiders" - I would daydream something terrible would happen to one of the boys and the others would find out and help them through it.

7. I felt so angry one time, I asked myself in my head what was wrong and I pictured a young version of myself pushing and hitting some man (couldn't see who it was). She was very angry and I held her back and hugged her and she cried. Feels odd to say that ?
Sometimes I give in to these feelings and cry some or beat up a pile of clothes, it then just disappears. And I'm fine like I never felt it.

8. I know I don't have much sense of self.

9. I repress my emotions. I almost pride myself on being able to handle anything and hate to be perceived as not being strong enough to take anything that comes at me.

9. Sometimes I feel like I'm from a different world than those around me - like I've had to learn what "normal people" are like so I can pretend to be one...when to laugh, how to do small talk, etc.

10. Sometimes when I've felt the panic, crying or anger, I've closed my eyes and typed whatever came into my head. Sometimes I've written things like "How could you!!! I hate you. Why Why Why. It doesn't make any sense. Please no. Please. I can't." And sometimes I write like I'm talking about someone else - "he didn't understand" or "she said no".

11. I've had dreams about things like a man almost running me over with his car twice, then throwing things at me and someone shooting me.

12. When I look back at photos of me before I moved out, I don't remember any of it and feel like I have no connection to that child.

13. I don't know if it's just different sides of my personality, but sometimes I feel like saying or doing something that's out of character for me, but I stop myself from doing or saying it.

I never have things happen like losing time (just don't remember childhood) or having things in my home I don't remember getting.

I don't know. The more I think about things, the more I realize things just seem...off. Sigh. It's all feels so weird ?

Anyone else have anything similar to these things happen with them??

Thanks to all who took the time to read!!
sunnydays

 

[Cypress]

I have had similar experiences to everything you have listed here. When I started therapy I would have described myself exactly as you have. Now I know that these different parts of me were holding on to a whole lot of trauma.

Have you talked about all of this with your T?

Hope you are coping and taking good care of yourself

 

[joeylittle]

I've been trying to figure out my brain and where it's at. I'm 43 and have been going to therapy for a few months, but the more I go, the more realizations I have that things aren't as "normal" as I thought they were. Makes me wonder if I've dissociated, have DID, just a really bad memory?

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD?

 

[sunnydays]

Hi Cypress and joeylittle - thanks for replying!

joeylittle - I've never been diagnosed with anything. I don't know if no one has ever gotten to a point to categorize me yet or if they don't tell clients what they label you as. I guess I could ask. I've seen 3 Ts over the last couple years. The first two weren't trauma Ts and I just saw them for a couple months each. The one I'm with now is a trauma T and I like her.

Cypress - I just came across some of these realizations last week and talked a little about it with my T on Tuesday, but I've thought more about it the last couple days. She said there are lots of ways children deal with things that they aren't ready to handle - including dissociating. I've told her I'm scared of finding out that I'm dissociating or anything like that. But I know wishing I don't do that that won't make it not be true. Was it hard for you to accept?

sunnydays

 

[joeylittle]

If this helps - dissociation happens on a spectrum. Everyone dissociates - even people in the best of mental health. If you've ever driven to a location you go to regularly (home, work, school) and realize you don't quite remember part of the drive - that's dissociation. Drifting off and not hearing what someone is saying - also dissociation.

Before I disclosed my trauma to my therapist - really, a good few months before - I had an increase in a number of uncomfortable symptoms. I hadn't gone to this therapist to work on trauma, and I didn't have diagnosable PTSD, I was dealing with major depression. My point is - simply beginning the mental process of looking back over your life, and simultaneously being in an environment (therapy) where one of the things you know you'll be doing is opening up questions about yourself- that can start to stir things up. I'd encourage you to understand that the fear you are having is very normal, and try and not let it stop you from really talking with this therapist about your history.

 

[sunnydays]

Thank you for your thoughts! I went initially for anxiety and the underlying panic I was feeling as well as concern about realizing I remembered so little from when I was young compared to those around me. I also have POTS and IBS which I hoped would get better if my anxiety was lower. Since starting, yes, things have been stirred up, I would say.

I'm trying to be a big girl and allow myself to accept whatever comes and be willing to work through it. I have been trying to be more honest with my therapist, but I know I've been hesitant at times, which I need to stop.

 

[Cypress]

It was and still is very hard for me to accept that I blocked out these terrible incidents in my childhood. Some days I accept that all this stuff happened to me. Some days it feels like it happened to someone else.

I don't have a clear diagnosis either. My T told me he thought all that DSM stuff was BS for the insurance companies and that we should focus on my individual experience instead of a label. I'm OK with that.

All of the physical and emotional symptoms you are having sound pretty normal for people dealing with trauma. It seems like you have a good T though. Learning to tolerate being stirred up is part of the process and your T can help you with that.