Sufferer Not Sure Where To Start...

[pink.sunflower]

I was diagnosed with severe depression 20 years ago after escaping 6 years of domestic violence. And several years after that I was diagnosed with panic disorder. And several years after that I was told that it was PTSD all along. Unfortunately, due to my mental state, my ex gained custody of our children. I was a broken, scared young lady and I didn't have the knowledge or strength in me to fight him. I guess 6 years of abuse, physical and mental, will do that to a person. I almost died twice and was hospitalized 3 times. Back then the police did not get involved unless the victim pressed charges, which I was too scared to do because my ex told what would happen if I ever did. And I had been living in a state where he was from with no family or friends of my own.

I saw my kids as much as I was "allowed", and most of the time that involved a police escort to and from the house. After I finally got on my feet, and started feeling more secure, I moved back to that town (which was only 40 min from where I had been living). It wasn't easy, there weren't many jobs or decent places to live. My kids had been fed a bunch of lies placing all the blame on me for a failed marriage and leaving them (btw, my ex was not abusive to them, physically, and was well thought of in the community and made a good living (look up sociopath). At the time of the divorce I felt like he could be a better provider because I didn't think I was worth the paper my birth was written on.)

The years went by and I just pretty much existed. My kids didn't have much respect for me. People in the town didn't have much respect for me. And my ex took whatever chance he had to put me down and control my life (through my kids mainly). But, I stayed and did the best I could until my kids were all out of high school. At that point I wanted to make something of myself and do something I could feel proud of. I started back to college which required me to move about an hour away. But, I went back about every other weekend for visits with my kids who seemed to be even more bitter towards me as time went on.

During this time my ex was caught cheating on the wife which he cheated on me with (big shocker). However, he had tried to make her their mother and make them have respect for her (while he encouraged the opposite for me). So, his cheating didn't go over real well with the kids. But, they all forgave him and he was once again king of the hill. Then shortly after he was fired from his job of 20 years for stealing thousands of dollars. And they still stood by him. But, his troubles somehow made my troubles worse.

He started attacking me again, mostly when nobody was looking. Doing his best to tear me down and destroy what bit of a relationship I had with my kids. I guess he couldn't handle the thought of me being successful while his little world was crumbling around him. Does anyone have any idea what it takes to try to coexist with the person who is the cause of your PTSD? To try to push your feelings aside for the sake of your children? To take every cuss and name calling with a grain of salt? Bringing back the nightmares, the flashbacks, the insecurity, the humiliation, and the anger...

So today I sit here with less than a year of getting my BBA. My kids are not talking to me because I need to just "Get over the past". They are tired of hearing what their father has put me through, because he is a great man and he is wonderful and he wasn't the one who left them. I feel like I am back to square one with this. I feel like this hell is never going to end. My grades are slipping, I'm starting to question my sanity, I don't want to leave the house. All the years of struggle and hard work down the drain just about.

My oldest daughter is pregnant, due in two weeks, and not even speaking to me. And she is just as verbally abusive towards me as he is. My kids don't know why I cry so much and when I try to explain it to them they get mad. My son has even told me that if I don't "get over it" to just leave him alone. I do have a support system, but they don't suffer from PTSD and they really don't know how to help. They try, but they don't understand me. I don't understand how one person can destroy a life and look in the mirror and feel good about what they have done??

I have been divorced for 20 years now and I still cannot have a relationship with a man. I don't trust them and the first time their voice is raised I'm out the door and don't look back. I know there are people that have been trough much worse. I don't know how they cope and live a productive life. This is destroying me and I don't know how to stop it. People say to forgive, but I don't know how to do that. How do you forgive someone that is constantly twisting a knife in your back? We have kids and grandkids now. There are birthday parties, showers, weddings, special occasions, do I just not go to any of them because I know he will attack me in some way? And if I don't go, then "i don't care about my kids".

I'm not in a situation where something bad happened and I have to work through it and get on with my life. I'm in a situation where I am constantly exposed to the abuser and his abusive ways if I want to be a part of my kids lives. That makes it kind of hard to put it in the past. I asked my son to look up PTSD and educate himself and maybe he would understand where I'm coming from, he just got mad at me and said I was making it hard on myself. They don't see what their father does when their heads are turned. I don't know what to do anymore... Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

 

[Changing4Best]

Tape record him and play it to them?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know they are your kids, but at this point they are also adults. If contact with your family is increasing your symptoms, then perhaps it is time to let go in the sense that you should put yourself first and cease exposing yourself to toxic people. I'm not saying this is easy, because I know it's not. I just don't see your current situation as anything but toxic and since they won't change, then you must change.

 

[Hashi]

Hi pink sunflower,

Welcome to the forum, although I'm sorry for the things that bring you here.

I'm not in a situation where something bad happened and I have to work through it and get on with my life. I'm in a situation where I am constantly exposed to the abuser and his abusive ways if I want to be a part of my kids lives.

There are birthday parties, showers, weddings, special occasions, do I just not go to any of them because I know he will attack me in some way? And if I don't go, then "i don't care about my kids".

Is there a way to be part of the your kids lives without going to the special family occasions? To see your kids when he isn't around, now that they're grown up and living their own lives?

I know that it isn't fair for you to have to miss the occasions that other people take for granted they will attend. But it sounds like the price you have to pay for attending - having to be around him - is keeping you from enjoying them and keeping your kids from seeing the best of you.

You say your kids are tired of hearing what their father put you through, and are dealing badly with seeing you so upset. It sounds like you're at a dead end with that if things continue as they are. I can't see it changing if you continue having to be around him so much when you see them, so that you're naturally upset and have to explain why - when they're not sympathetic to this because their experience and perception has been different.

They clearly don't want a relationship with you that's about your past with him, and from their point of view I think that's understandable. So I think you need to get to a relationship with them that is about something else.

I do see a possibility for change if you can see them without him, not at the big family occasions but on smaller and more private ones. I wonder if you can build a relationship with your kids away from him. So it can be about who they are now and who you are now - studying and making a better life for yourself - and doesn't have to keep reverting to the past.

I'm not sure who would say you don't care about your kids if you don't go to the family events - him? From your kids point of view, if you mark the occasions but in a different way would they think you didn't care? It sounds like maybe they'd prefer a different approach, that the current one isn't working well for anyone. You could still send cards, give presents, spend time with your kids and their families to celebrate the events of their lives, just not at the occasions that he's present at. Maybe you could also spend time with them in ordinary, everyday ways like minding the children for a while, or just visiting with them and their families.

Most importantly, though, I think you need to stay away from him for your own sake. As you say, you're continuing to see the person who caused your PTSD and he's still abusive towards you. This must be constantly damaging and distressing. I can't see how it's possible to work on healing in that situation. I think you need to be away from him so you can work on therapy and healing - for your sake and not just because of your relationship with the kids.

 

[pink.sunflower]

Thank you all for of your response. I do try my best to stay as far away from my ex as I possibly can. But, my kids want something that I can't give them and that is for everybody to be one big happy group. Any time I have told my kids I could not attend something because I could not be around their father, the the response I get is, "you are both adults and should be able to be around each other and be civil". And under normal circumstances I would agree with them, but this situation is far from normal.

I have been a peace maker since I was a little girl. I always wanted everyone to be happy and get along. I was a pleaser. It made me happy to please others. I'm not an aggressive individual, but my ex is very aggressive. And he is very sly, he treats me just like everyone else until all heads are turned and then the claws come out. I end up in tears, having panic attacks, and running away crying. It is very hard for me to even look at the man or hear his voice without cringing, but his remarks are unbearable.

My daughter lived with her father when she first got pregnant and it was a constant fight with her because I refused to go to her father's house and visit with her. The same house in which I was abused and lived 4 out of the six years I was with him. I would go to my son's house 15 minutes away and ask her to come there and she refused. So, no, they want me to "give in" and "stop being so dramatic" about being around their father. It is only when I have to defend my actions that I bring up what happened with him.

So, they have all stopped speaking to me until I can "get over it". I don't understand that, they say that my ex has never hit his current wife, which I do not believe for a second. I have become very good friends with the girl he dated for 5 years before I married him, and her and her family have both told me horror stories about him. Also, I have heard plenty of stories about how he talks to his wife from my daughter-in-law and I can't help but think that my kids have to know that my life with him wasn't pleasant.

I assume that if you are on this website that you have PTSD or you have a loved one that has PTSD. Do you ever "get over it"? It has been 20 years and when I'm around my ex it seems like it was just yesterday. Can someone tell me "how" to talk to my grown children in a way that they might understand that what is wrong with me is not a "choice"? I don't understand a lot about PTSD myself, so I find it very difficult to try and explain it to someone else. I am trying to learn about it though.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

A past therapist told me that as long as I'm in regular contact with those who traumatized me, I would not be able to heal. I would spend my time "putting out fires" instead of truly healing. It wasn't until I got away from this toxic person that I was able to work on overall healing instead of simply trying to calm myself in the moment. I say all of this because I don't think that contact with your abuser is conducive to healing.

I also think that your children have no idea what's going on, and you may never get them to see/know the truth. Why? Because to admit that you have PTSD and can't "just get over it" is to also take their father down off that pedestal. They would have to see him in a negative light. They have been "brainwashed" by him. I honestly don't know if you'll ever be able to get them to believe the truth about their father.

A lot of people can't understand. It should be OK for you to be in the company of your abusive ex? Yeah, just like a rape victim should just be able to forgive, let bygones be bygones, and associate with their rapist? Nobody would ever think this is a rational expectation! I could go on....

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @pink.sunflower and welcome to the forum.

So sorry to hear of all you continue to go through. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. Unfortunately however, I don't think you're going to find an answer that will "magically," make your kids become understanding and repair these relationships. (I acknowledge how very unfair it is that you should even have to repair them, when your were not the one who damaged them). It sounds like your kids are in deep denial and are not at a place in their lives where they are willing to hear and accept the truth.

You said it yourself - they want something that you cannot give them -- one big happy group. And you cannot "just get over it," for many reasons, one of those being that it the abuse continues every time you see him.

I think it is time that you stand up for yourself and put your foot down - tell your kids that you will no longer be attending gatherings that your ex husband will be at. Tell them you would love to see them individually. If you do get the opportunity to spend time with them, I would encourage you to avoid the subject of your abusive history with their dad - at least for now. Try to rebuild a relationship with them on positive terms. Hopefully one day they will be ready and willing to hear and accept the truth but clearly that time is not now.

I also like what someone else has mentioned - you need to focus on YOU for awhile. Good for you for going back to school! Don't let that get taken from you! Are you also in therapy? You would do yourself good to find an experienced trauma therapist to help you with these different struggles.

Hang in there and keep posting! :)

 

[pink.sunflower]

I have been in and out of therapy. I have tried every antidepressant known to man and I do not want medication. I do not like feeling nothing. I haven't taken a nerve pill for years until recently. I have been having anxiety attacks, nightmares, and depression.

I honestly thought I was about over all of this until back in November when I took a really bad cussing from my ex. I haven't been the same since, it's almost like a relapse I guess. I mean, I have never been the same as I was before the domestic violence, but I thought I had made huge improvements. This is very upsetting to feel like I'm back to square one after all of this time.

You are exactly right though. I have been looking for that magical solution for weeks now. My mind keeps thinking that I'm missing something, that there has to be SOMETHING I can do to fix this. I don't even want to go back to therapy because frankly I'm just as sick of talking about it as people are of hearing about it. All of this has just been a HUGE setback.

 

[Hashi]

Do you ever "get over it"?

You can heal. I'm on the site due to trauma and a PTSD diagnosis. After a lot of work and therapy, I don't have the symptoms any more. Now I'm trying to put together a better life for myself.

As others have said, you can't heal while you're still being traumatised. And I doubt there's a way to tell your children so they'll understand - it sounds like they don't want to understand, because it would contradict too much of what they believe.

I think the big happy family picture has to go out of the window for everyone. Like you say, you can't give them that. All you can do is offer them something else. I do think that needs to be something that doesn't revolve around PTSD or history. You need proper support, but that isn't the place you're going to get it.

I would read around the site, and I would look for a trauma therapist who specialises in relationship abuse.

I wonder how you'd feel about group therapy? It isn't for everyone, but some people find the shared understanding of experiences can be very helpful.

 

[Hashi]

My post crossed with yours, saying you don't want to go back to therapy. I'm not sure what kind of therapy you had, but there are a lot of different kinds. Just talk therapy can keep things stuck, and can actually entrench the trauma rather than processing it. Endlessly talking about it can go nowhere - especially when you're still exposed to abuse.

 

[pink.sunflower]

Hashi, I have tried group therapy before and I do not do so well in groups. I am too shy, I have always been shy. So, I do not open up well in groups. But, thank you for all of you suggestions.

 

[pink.sunflower]

btw... what is a trauma therapist? That even sounds painful.