Relationship Not Sure Which Way To Turn

[3kidsinpa]

My husband returned from his first tour in Iraq in summer of 2008. Really "my husband" did not return but someone so different from what I would ever have in my life. He is disrespectful, moody, unattentive, difficult and just plain miserable.

Since his return this has negatively impacted my attitude and it is a constant battle. We rarely have anything to say and nothing in common. I am lonely and gained over 50 pounds since he returned home.

There is basically no relationship and the romance is non-existent. He tells me he wants to fix things and build our relationship but it is difficult to believe this when he acts the way he does. We also have issues with his family and they are not involved in our lives. He has a large amount of resentment that he says is for them, but I feel he takes it out on me.

I have found online porn and dating sites on his computer, along with two screen names that one would use on these types of sites. He claims this was a "one time deal" but I am not sure if I believe him. We argued this weekend about the lack of intimacy in our relationship and he became so angry that he told me this weekend that due to my weight gain he does not find me attractive any longer. I asked him to leave but he refuses.

I asked him to no longer speak to me until he can apologize for his behavior and tell me the truth about the screen names he has been using and what sites he has been on. I am considering hiring a private investigator. He has blown through a large sum of money over the last 8 months (from what I can tell he is just running up bills over dumb things).

I am feeling lost and not sure where to turn. I can't tell family or friends because no one knows what struggles we have had over the last few years. We have covered it well and everyone would be surprised to find out how bad it really is.

We have tried counseling through the VA but the counselor is not good. The few times I went he gave us "things" to work on before our next session but never covers them when we come back the next time. I feel that he is not affective and I am not certain what he thinks he is accomplishing.

If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do or where I should turn it would be appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[Dallas]

Start focusing on your own life. When you do that, everything will fall in place. What do YOU want out of life? What kind of job or career do you want, what things do you want to experience? Join a fitness group or just start walking on your own. Make a list of all your goals and aspirations and dreams. Don't worry about your husband. He will be fine. Leave him in God's hands. God can take better care of him than you ever will be able to.
Go for it! Life is exciting! It can be whatever you want it to be!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

Always remember, you are a child of God! He loves you very much. He created you with your own special abilities and talents. How awesome is that! Don't waste them...use the gifts God gave you!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[3kidsinpa]

Thank you Dallas. I know that I need to concentrate on myself. If I don't no one will unfortunately. I appreciate your words and pray everyday that God will show me the way. He seems content being miserable and I have let him drag me down long enough. I do need to plan and that is a good place to start.

 

[Bilby]

Can you request a different counsellor and mention that both you and your husband don't feel confident with the current one?

Yes, you do need to look after yourself, there's absolutely no denying that, but if you love your husband and want to work on your relationship, then continuing on with counselling is essential. It may be necessary that your husband has intensive treatment just for himself, for PTSD (assuming he has received this diagnosis?) as well as some counselling for the both of you. He may/may not need medication to help him with his struggles.

I'd encourage you to read as much as you can about PTSD so that you can understand the nature of the beast and what he is facing. By no means does this excuse certain behaviours and I am realising that it is incredibly important that boundaries be set in our relationships. It has only been through this kind of intensive therapy (in hospital) that my husband has made any real progress, and that our communication as a result, has improved dramatically.

I hope this has given you a few things to think about :) Good luck.

 

[discarded]

Hi 3kidsinpa, ((((hugs for you)))). Your story is oh so familiar to mine. Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you or any answers. Just support in that I know how painful it is and how frustrating to want answers and never get any. My husband prefers to blame me for his problems rather than admit he actually has one. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and originally got help and was doing ok and we got back on track. He has relapsed but refuses to get help this time. I found out about an internet affair that actually then turned into phonecalls and texting when I received an email containing some of the conversations they had. (very disgusting and upsetting). I broached the subject with him and he denied it. I emailed the woman involved from to the address on the one I had received and she said she had chatted with him on an internet forum but new nothing about the sexual content of what I had received. A few years later after another incident with a woman at his workplace which saw him charged with assault, he finally confessed that the email stuff was true. He then laid the blame on me saying that I was boring nad he needed more excitement in his life.

I lost all trust in him and constantly was on alert for any more indiscretions. Needless to say he got angry at me and our marriage has broken down. I feel you and the situation you are in. I can cop the angry outbursts and his wanting space and so on, but I can't cope with the secrecy and the lies or the stuff that I consider to be cheating. You are worth so much more than that and so am I. For a long time he had me convinced that I was his problem but after much therapy I realise I am not. I stood up for myself and he didn't like it.

I know most of this is pretty negative stuff but if he would communicate with me about all of it I might be able to understand why he did it. Unfortunately PTSD has robbed him of his ability to communicate about anything that stresses him. I have been married to this man for nearly 28 years, the last 7 with PTSD. The first 21 years were great. He went on 4 deployments and each time less and less of the man I married came back. The man I married would never have hurt me the way he has, would never have sort out other women like he has and would not have lied about it. I don't know this man anymore and I have exhausted myself trying to understand and help him. You need to look after yourself and leave him to help himself.

 

[Bilby]

I couldn't cope with cheating either, that would destroy me I think :(

I feel very lucky that this has never happened and I never believe it will. I truly feel for you, Discarded, and anyone else who has been in such a situation.

 

[discarded]

Bilby, I never thought it would happen either, infact I really did believe him at first when he said it wasn't true. But he couldn't come up with any plausible explanation for why I had received such a shocking email and some of the stuff in it was true and not something that some random person would know. Just bringing up the subject makes him panic and shut down on me and if we can't resolve this issue then for me there is no future together. Ironically he says "just let it go, it is in the past, get over it". A pity he can't do the same and his PTSD would just disappear.

 

[3kidsinpa]

Thank you all -

Discarded....after reading your message I have to ask myself whether there is more than what I see. I have found my husband was on porn/dating sites. I recently found out he was using screen names describing certain desires. I am hurt and confused and would like to believe it was "nothing" and a "one time thing" as he describes but I also find it hurtful that he is so angry when I bring it up. I have a hard time believing him when he does not seem to be honest about it. We aren't talking now (going into day 5 and living in the same house is stressful and difficult for everyone including the kids) and I have told him the only way I can move on is for him to put everything on the table, be completely honest and show me the sites he was on using those screen names and allow me to view his email and text messages (he deletes everything now) until I am confident I can trust him. I told him if he truly had nothing to hide then considering what he did (whatever that was on those sites) that he needs to do anything he can to fix it.

He immediately shuts down and will not discuss anything associated with our relationship. I believe that I know that it's time to move on but having difficulties since the kids are involved and I don't want to subject them to time with him and not have me as a buffer. He is not abusive to them, but very impatient and I just can't know how unhappy they might be if they were alone with him and felt they had no other options. So lost right now as to what to do. Even if I start concentrating on myself I don't know that things will get better and the time away from the kids bothers me so much.

 

[discarded]

I too stress about the effect all of this is having on our 11 year old, one of the deciding factors in moving out. It just happened that our 21 year old got posted back to our home town at the same time (he is in the army) and moved his stuff in with me. It is best we all leave their dad alone at the moment. I worry about my daughter being on her own with him also as he does not really interact with her and loses his patience easily. She has no desire to see him and fortunately at the moment he has no desire to see her. I assume if he gets treatment that will change and I will then have to deal with it.

As for the cheating, it hurt a great deal but worse is that he won't explain any of it to me. He saw my wanting to view his texts etc as an invasion of his privacy. I have struggled with all of this for a few years now and every 6 months or so there is a another reason to doubt him, with the same woman I might ad. He says she is stalking him yet he has done nothing to prevent it, didn't change his mobile phone number or email address. It is frustrating to me that I will never know why he did this and I am tired of making my own assumptions about it. I have a tendency to think the worst and I may be very wrong.

I don't know why men need porn sites and the like, but obviously many do or they wouldn't exist. It is not so much the accessing these sites that concerns me but the lies and secrecy that went with it. I felt after all the years of standing by him that I deserved better than what I got, I deserve honesty. My trust in him is gone and he doesn't seem to care that I don't trust him. It is easier for him to cope if I leave than have to address the issues.

I wish you luck. Please understand that I do not know you or your partner or the relationship you share. This is my experience only and you need to make your own judgements for yourself. I love my husband and it crushes me to see him so miserable and I don't want to contribute to that any more. There is plenty of support on here no matter what you decide. Take your time. I am here to chat if you need an understanding ear.

 

[christine12]

3kidsinpa & Discarded I dont really have any advice for you but I did want you both to know that I am truly sorry for what you are going throu and If I could do anything to help you I would. As I read your Thread and as I read the previous replys I become angry with the fact that this tragic illness of PTSD has taken your husbands away from you and made them someone that you dont know anymore.