Undiagnosed Now ex-physician, vicarious trauma

[Shedr]

Hello everyone.
I suffered repetitive vicarious trauma during my residency as a physician (especially EMT/ER rotation and Obgyn). It was in Europe, I now have quit my job because of this and moved to the United States. I do not work in the medical field and do not want to anymore. I feel guilty calling it PTSD, because 1) I feel that it cannot be compared to what for example the military experience, 2) a lot of other medical staff are exposed to similar things and seem to be able to keep doing their job/deal with it, 3) I should have been able to deal with it
I was exposed as a resident while working crazy hours, 24-h+ shifts with no sleep / no breaks and no support, to situations that were overwhelming to me and graphic, involving people dying/sick.. And feeling powerless at the time while witnessing people's/families' suffering.. I have intrusive thoughts (I am not sure they are flashbacks?) about the situations I've been through, catastrophizing any situation, intrusive thoughts where I imagine people I love dying or having accidents, multiple times a day, frequent nightmares although nightmares about medical stuff has subsided since I quit my job 2 years ago.
I am happy I quit my job, my life is good now, but my intrusive thoughts/catastrophizing and anxiety resulting from it are difficult to live with. I cant talk about the situations without hyperventilating and getting a knot in my stomach which is one reason I have not been to therapy. I am not sure even whether to call this PTSD, I feel guilty about,not having been able to cope when others have and because I feel like others have been through worse such as personal trauma versus vicarious trauma. I am writing this because,I feel like here I would not be judged, and would appreciate recommendations on books about this / techniques that could help me with the intrusive thoughts.. Maybe it is normal to have thoughts of your loved ones dying/accidents happening? I dont even know. Thank you for reading.

 

[Lucycat]

HI @Shedr and welcome to the forum.

My CPTSD is from something other than work, but I still understand what you say. I was a paediatric nurse for many years and have witnessed the deaths and decline of many youngsters, and had to 'comfort' the upset and bereaved families. It is incredibly hard and I was not even in the Emergency Department as you were.

I took early retirement from my job 2 and a half years ago- and have never regretted it.

No-one can say that you 'should' have been able to cope in such a stressful job. It is well known (here in the UK anyway) that doctors have a higher rate of smoking and drinking than the general population. There is a good reason for this, and you are displaying that.

I cannot say whether or not you have PTSD, that is for a professional to diagnose. However I do think that therapy would help you. EMDR amongst others is very effective. There is no shame in seeking help for psychological things and I am sure as a doctor you would have been the first to tell your patients to get the help they need!

 

[blackemerald1]

Welcome @Shedr - as your name says at some level you must still identify as a dr., Leaving must have been a heartbreaking decision though I am pleased you are happy about no longer working in that environment. There is no reason to feel guilty about not being able to cope with ER - some people can and love it, others - it's not their cup of tea and that's fine too.

I am not sure even whether to call this PTSD,

Obviously you won't find anyone diagnosing you here and it's probably not a good idea to try to do it yourself. Have you sought out therapy from a psydoc or therapist to obtain a diagnosis or work on the distressing symptoms you detailed above?

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

You might find it helpful to know that studies have been done on the rate of PTSD in ER doctors.

A meta-analysis of 1,616 physicians found a prevalence of PTSD, diagnosed by DSM-5 criteria, of 14.8%, and an abstract recently presented at the Society of Academic Emergency Medicine conference demonstrated emergency medicine–specific rates of 15.1% among 526 emergency physicians Dead Link Removed

I cant talk about the situations without hyperventilating and getting a knot in my stomach which is one reason I have not been to therapy.

Therapy doesn't require talking about situations. In fact, a good trauma therapist wouldn't dive into situations at the get-go. They know that talking about the trauma stirs up symptoms. That's really common. They will ask about symptoms and help work on ways to stabilize long before jumping into the trauma.

We are all peers here, no one is able to diagnose, but a good therapist can help sort out if this is PTSD (seems likely), and most of all, help you gain some relief from the pain you are in now.

 

[Cypress]

I have PTSD due to previous life events but working in the ER/ ICU really exacerbated my symptoms. I would ruminate obsessively about the miseries of life I saw everyday. Finally, I took a year off, studied public health and then decided to put a toe back in the clinical arena by doing some hospice work. This got my confidence back up and let me use my clinical skills without feeling overwhelmed. My job now is in occupational health which many find boring but I enjoy the wellness aspect to it.

Don't give up on yourself yet. You may just need some therapy and a new role.