D
Deleted member 20280
For me, the month of August is the most painfull of my Trauma TImeline for many many reasons.
1) My eldest son was born on the 4th of August,
2) I was arrested under section 136 of the UK Mental health act on August the 11th
3) Today is a double for me on August the 14th I was transported under a Police Escort to a secure Mental Health Hospital under the Mental Health Act! It is also my first wifes birthday
4) I married my first wife on August 22nd and my 2nd wife took me to civil court on this date and I have not been allowed to see any of my six wonderful children since that date.
5) August 24th is my 2nd wifes birthday and is also the date I was released from the Secure Mental Health Hospital, with only my clothing and I was then made homeless and had to sleep in a shop doorway.
On each of these dates last year I totally lost it on every one, to the point of total isolation, being unable to even leave my bedsit, I remember several times trying to leave and collapsing on the floor in floods of tears and urinating myself I was that scared.
In addition to these dates and the significance of them to me I have not been sailing since I was 14 due to being scared witless of the water (I was barged into the shallow end of a swimming pool, knocked out cold and had to be rescued by the lifeguard) Well, last Saturday, Mike, the guy I am helping renovate a 150 year old house (as part of a structured therapy to help me get back my ability to be sonstructivelly active during the day, doing something I really enjoy and I am in fact sleeping so much more and better these days too :) )
To cut this bit short, last Saturday Mike invited me out on his boat to sail from my home town across the estuary to the other shore, some 4 miles away across the water, (He has previously offered me this on several occasions and I have literally gone into flight mode and totally refused, this time I jumped at the chance, I admit to being slightly apprehensive but I was certainly not in a panci whatsoever.
A lady from our Church and her two sons aged 8 and 6 came with us, Mike and I ensured that all three of them were suitably set up with life jackets as was I, He and I had to tell the boys very sternly about the rules on the boat (not to stand up at all, to hold onto the safety handles provided at all time, we talked them throught the safety procedures including knowing the morse code for S.O.S ** dot, dot, dot, - dash, dash, dash, - dot, dot, dot, ** or on the whistle ** long blow x 3, short peep x 3, long blow x 3 **and made sure that they could find and use their life-saving whistles properly.
Well fast forward to half way across the Estuary. Mike and I are chatting at the stern end and he was guiding us through the water with the outboard, all of a sudden we tilted to starboard and the mother is overboad, screaming that she cannot swim, screaming that she is drowning, no, her life jacket has instantly inflated and she has grabbed the side of the boat, being an inflatable we are steadily yet quickly taking on water, the boys are sat as instructed this whole time,
Now my fear, when I refused to go so many times was that if any event even remotely like the one that has just happened, was that I would go straight into a major episode and god alone knows what I would have done then. Well I did not panic one slight bit, I stayed totally calm the whole time, dealt with this overboard incident the way I would have as a teenager, or when I was in the Military, calm and collected, kept the mum as calm as I could whilst mike guided her to the re-entry point of the boat, we then continued our sail to the other beach, sorted the boat and outboar out, then sailed back to my home town with no more problems.
For me to get through the first 14 days ofg August with no issues of triggering, no isolation issues, no panic attacks at all, no anxiety problems, with the fact I take zero medications now as well, for me that is a total miracle, :happy:
Yes I do feel accomplished and successful at the moment and I know in my heart that I will get through today totally fine, will go to the building site as I have every day for the last three weeks, do what is needed and come home, then the 22nd will come and go as will the 24th.
I realise it is weird but I genuinly know in myself that I can and will get through the whole of August this year with no issues whatsoever.
:D
1) My eldest son was born on the 4th of August,
2) I was arrested under section 136 of the UK Mental health act on August the 11th
3) Today is a double for me on August the 14th I was transported under a Police Escort to a secure Mental Health Hospital under the Mental Health Act! It is also my first wifes birthday
4) I married my first wife on August 22nd and my 2nd wife took me to civil court on this date and I have not been allowed to see any of my six wonderful children since that date.
5) August 24th is my 2nd wifes birthday and is also the date I was released from the Secure Mental Health Hospital, with only my clothing and I was then made homeless and had to sleep in a shop doorway.
On each of these dates last year I totally lost it on every one, to the point of total isolation, being unable to even leave my bedsit, I remember several times trying to leave and collapsing on the floor in floods of tears and urinating myself I was that scared.
In addition to these dates and the significance of them to me I have not been sailing since I was 14 due to being scared witless of the water (I was barged into the shallow end of a swimming pool, knocked out cold and had to be rescued by the lifeguard) Well, last Saturday, Mike, the guy I am helping renovate a 150 year old house (as part of a structured therapy to help me get back my ability to be sonstructivelly active during the day, doing something I really enjoy and I am in fact sleeping so much more and better these days too :) )
To cut this bit short, last Saturday Mike invited me out on his boat to sail from my home town across the estuary to the other shore, some 4 miles away across the water, (He has previously offered me this on several occasions and I have literally gone into flight mode and totally refused, this time I jumped at the chance, I admit to being slightly apprehensive but I was certainly not in a panci whatsoever.
A lady from our Church and her two sons aged 8 and 6 came with us, Mike and I ensured that all three of them were suitably set up with life jackets as was I, He and I had to tell the boys very sternly about the rules on the boat (not to stand up at all, to hold onto the safety handles provided at all time, we talked them throught the safety procedures including knowing the morse code for S.O.S ** dot, dot, dot, - dash, dash, dash, - dot, dot, dot, ** or on the whistle ** long blow x 3, short peep x 3, long blow x 3 **and made sure that they could find and use their life-saving whistles properly.
Well fast forward to half way across the Estuary. Mike and I are chatting at the stern end and he was guiding us through the water with the outboard, all of a sudden we tilted to starboard and the mother is overboad, screaming that she cannot swim, screaming that she is drowning, no, her life jacket has instantly inflated and she has grabbed the side of the boat, being an inflatable we are steadily yet quickly taking on water, the boys are sat as instructed this whole time,
Now my fear, when I refused to go so many times was that if any event even remotely like the one that has just happened, was that I would go straight into a major episode and god alone knows what I would have done then. Well I did not panic one slight bit, I stayed totally calm the whole time, dealt with this overboard incident the way I would have as a teenager, or when I was in the Military, calm and collected, kept the mum as calm as I could whilst mike guided her to the re-entry point of the boat, we then continued our sail to the other beach, sorted the boat and outboar out, then sailed back to my home town with no more problems.
For me to get through the first 14 days ofg August with no issues of triggering, no isolation issues, no panic attacks at all, no anxiety problems, with the fact I take zero medications now as well, for me that is a total miracle, :happy:
Yes I do feel accomplished and successful at the moment and I know in my heart that I will get through today totally fine, will go to the building site as I have every day for the last three weeks, do what is needed and come home, then the 22nd will come and go as will the 24th.
I realise it is weird but I genuinly know in myself that I can and will get through the whole of August this year with no issues whatsoever.
:D
