Nowhere To Cry?

[AngelKeeperJ]

This has been an awful week, not 100&, but pretty bad. No ONE thing, but everything that is going on has finally hit me...at the same time. And it's the worst time of the year anyway.

I'm 'middle aged', and live with my elderly parents'. Caring for them is my 'job', but I consider it a blessing to be able to be here for their final years. They (my dad) have been so supportive throughout my 4 marriages/divorces, helped my son become the man he is, and has been my 'rock' since the death of my little girl in 1993. I became 'medically retired' in 1995, and have lived with them since they came back from Alaska in 2004 where they (dad) was a missionary pastor for around 8 years.

I have discovered that it is very hard to find a place that I can go, where I can be totally alone so I can cry till I can't cry anymore. The parks, have people. Every road, someone is driving by. I have to walk a 1/2 mile to my 'place of peace' and haven't been able to do that for a long time. So, I just get my crying done quietly, and try not to let my pain show. Emotional and physical.

I know that suicide is TOTALLY NOT an option, but sometimes I long for my 'Eternal Rest'. I am here until I get to 'graduate' to heaven!!

I'm trying really hard to NOT have this be a 'crying day'.

 

[Icon Nikon]

(((((((AngelJ)))))))

I needed this thread last night. You have been my rock in recent weeks, now let be yours. You are so generous and supportive of others, but you should have to cry alone or keep things all bottled up. You do however need a place where you can just be you, a safe place where you can escape to when needed and let out what is eating you up. Don't hold back your tears today - cry if you need to and I'll be here to catch each tear you shed.

I have more to say unless you need this space to be separate from us. I would understand. I don't wish to crowd you anymore than you already are. I am so sorry that this week in particular has been so hard on you. It seems as though you have been being strong for all the others in your life, and now you just need time for you, to feel what you've set aside. Please take that time for yourself, just no "eternal rest" - not just yet anyway.

My heart is holding yours, so it can beat while you cry.
Love, Alex

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Thank you for understanding! I'm not ashamed of our friendship. It doesn't matter if you are gay, blue, purple, or an alien! A person is a person, not their sexual preference. I've said before, "I am A-sexual, as in Ain't." If people choose to judge, I say, "what goes around, comes around." We share the devastation of un-loving mothers and that makes us 'sisters' in a way. That kind of deep trauma transcends physical boundaries.

I survived, mom cleared the table, and I don't feel like crying...YAY, and whew!!

(((Alex)))

 

[Icon Nikon]

(((angelJ)

I only have a minute, but you and my typos made me laugh when I didn't think that I could. First of all, I hope you read my intended words as opposed to the ones that ended up on here (like putting "not" in where I did not and having to type faster than my finger can keep up or being so very dyslexic).

I am indeed a pukey greenish-purple asexual gay alien! And proud of it considering the family I came from. However, that is not what I meant, though I thank you for willingly standing with me when others can't run away fast enough. What I meant was that sometimes we just need to let it out and sometimes we need to hear how others relate to our experiences in different ways. And sometimes we just need to share some things with some people and other things with other people. So what I was trying to say is if that was what you needed here in this thread, then I can understand and respect that knowing that does not diminish us, only another way for me to learn more things about you (so I can be a better friend to you).

Yet when I read what you wrote, I began to cry for you. And I just couldn't read it and not let you know how much it moved me. And how much I wanted to just give that place to cry, rest, and replenish. I also didn't want you to do anything rash in a moment of utter distress, for I would miss you.

More than anything, I wanted you to know that no matter what is going on with me, I will always be here for you. So please don't ever feel the need to protect me, just because you don't want to add anything more to my plate.

ALL YOU EVER ADD IS FRIENDSHIP - to someone who is in short supply of such.

I am glad that letting some of your feelings out about this past month and year appeared to be helpful. And that the day improved as it when along. I am thankful for that!

YAY & Whew, I can totally agree with! I know we both want out of our own lives at times, but in reality I think us "sisters" just want less stress, less pain, and more peace in our lives. If another wave of tears comes, you know where I am!

Love and Hugs,
Alex