P
Purple_Iris
I just...
I barely know what to do anymore. I have so much future in front of me...I have so many plans..to go to college, and do so many things. But it's like it barely matters..I just feel so numb all the time..I can barely do anything. There are times when I'm either not feeling anything, or feeling absolute pain. I don't know which is worse. When I feel one thing, I'm desperately for the other..and they're both hell. I had an od scare recently, I accidentally took over 10 times the dose of my anxiety meds. I thought I was going to die..and I realized I don't want to die. But reflecting...I don't want to live either. Why is life such a rift between life and death. Pain invades after each brief moment of happieness, and makes the simplest things a chore. I feel like my uphills are mountains and my downhills are cliffs. I don't know what to do anymore. I just..I wish I could be a kid again. I'm only 16, and I already feel like Atlas with the world on my shoulders. When I was 5 I was an ADHD filled ball of sunshine. Sure, I had no friends, and my own step-sister would tell me to kill myself, but..I never knew what that meant back then. It would hurt alot when I was bullied endlessly..but I would play outside in the dirt, and go into my mind and... it'd be happy. I had my own world with my own characters who loved me, and I'd laugh at the stories I'd make up in my imagination. Now..I'm addicted to reading and rp-ing just to feel SOMETHING other than pain. I will I had that innocence I had when I was 5. Ive gone through so much I haven't expressed in words...so much f*cked up shit (excuse my language) has happened in my life, that if I said it all you'd think I was just seeking attention. You wouldn't believe me. But trust me when I say I couldn't make this up if I tried...and I wouldn't even try, I'm not some pity partier. I just...I'm surprised I'm still alive after everything. But after everything, I don't know how to be alive. How am I supposed to just...I don't know. I need help, but there's nobody to listen..
I barely know what to do anymore. I have so much future in front of me...I have so many plans..to go to college, and do so many things. But it's like it barely matters..I just feel so numb all the time..I can barely do anything. There are times when I'm either not feeling anything, or feeling absolute pain. I don't know which is worse. When I feel one thing, I'm desperately for the other..and they're both hell. I had an od scare recently, I accidentally took over 10 times the dose of my anxiety meds. I thought I was going to die..and I realized I don't want to die. But reflecting...I don't want to live either. Why is life such a rift between life and death. Pain invades after each brief moment of happieness, and makes the simplest things a chore. I feel like my uphills are mountains and my downhills are cliffs. I don't know what to do anymore. I just..I wish I could be a kid again. I'm only 16, and I already feel like Atlas with the world on my shoulders. When I was 5 I was an ADHD filled ball of sunshine. Sure, I had no friends, and my own step-sister would tell me to kill myself, but..I never knew what that meant back then. It would hurt alot when I was bullied endlessly..but I would play outside in the dirt, and go into my mind and... it'd be happy. I had my own world with my own characters who loved me, and I'd laugh at the stories I'd make up in my imagination. Now..I'm addicted to reading and rp-ing just to feel SOMETHING other than pain. I will I had that innocence I had when I was 5. Ive gone through so much I haven't expressed in words...so much f*cked up shit (excuse my language) has happened in my life, that if I said it all you'd think I was just seeking attention. You wouldn't believe me. But trust me when I say I couldn't make this up if I tried...and I wouldn't even try, I'm not some pity partier. I just...I'm surprised I'm still alive after everything. But after everything, I don't know how to be alive. How am I supposed to just...I don't know. I need help, but there's nobody to listen..
