Obsessed

[deleted]

Ugh not again.

I'm headed off to college in the fall and our school has this app where kids can connect, find roommates etc. Well I messaged a guy on there who was looking for new friends and we started talking and really hit it off until we were texting, Face Timing etc.

This is all well and good until my brain starts grasping onto his every word and action for support and stability. I have no "safe places" in the world right now, they've all been stripped from me in one way or another. I am so out of control that this was the worst time for this to happen because my brain has attached my entire life and mental stability on what he says, does, etc. If he doesnt text me back, seems distant, etc. I panic and my whole world spins upside down. Its like he's the only thing keeping me together right now.

Because of this I've totally started smothering him and I know I'm doing this but I can't stop myself. I need him and I'm so scared he's going to go away and take my stability with him. Which just makes him pull away from me but like I said I can't seem to stop myself from totally smothering him. I've tried every distraction there is when the urges hit and nothing works. It's so bad guys. He didn't respond to my comment on his Instagram but he responded to another girl and that little action alone made me so upset and unstable that I started crying. It's so embarrassing how obsessed I am.

This happens with almost every guy I have a connection with. I run to them to keep me safe and stable and I smother them until they leave and devastate me even though it was my fault.

I don't want him to leave but I don't know what to do. I'm talking to my therapist tonight so hopefully he can give me some insight into this but I thought I would ask you guys too.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I'm a guy and have been a loner most of my life due to how few people don't frustrate me with their normal human behaviour such be being fair-weather friends, flakey, using, lying, not using common sense almost ever, etc. This is my problem though so I just tend to go it alone often. The annoying part is the I very much like the company of people and talking to people. My father is much more intense on this front and so also doesn't have a lot of people to talk to. The outcome is that anyone that is around is talked to a lot. People just need/want to talk to people and know someone can hear them and help them not feel like they are all alone in the world. Old people in nursing homes, old people that live alone with no family and friends alive anymore, etc. all can feel this way.

At least you acknowledge there is an issue. My issue is more that I'm broke still looking for work so have to stay home most of the time.

You just need to feel like you aren't losing your mind and have people to talk to. That is ok. Just start making friends and limit your contact to a level that isn't smothering. Eventually you will end up with a lot of people you can talk to and won't have that problem anymore of only having one or two people to talk to. The biggest thing though is to find things that you do for fun for yourself that are also social as well. In my situation, I learned how to play pool at bars and pool halls, dance at the nightclub, frisbee golf, etc.

If you are in the USA I suggest looking into www.meetup.com as you can find a group of folks that do almost anything you enjoy. Some are just social groups that just hang out and do random things like one I went to that everyone just brought a plate full of cookies of some type. That way everyone could try a cookie or two of many types, tell stories, exchange recipes, etc.

The electronic connected world does make things quite difficult to connect with new people in a real way. Those electronic methods allow people to keep people at arms length at their own discretion. It creates a very strange scenario and can make you feel invisible in the world. Don't worry. You're not the only person feeling that way. Many people feel that way these days.

It's important to find activities you can do that you can do on your own but that others can join in and be social as well. I've been trying to find an indoor climbing wall for a while and found out that there is a place where I live that has that, an indoor water park, and a bunch of other cool things there. Those kinds of things you can do on your own, and still meet others that like those things too.

Life is hard, but social skills and making new friends is a skill just like any other skill in life. It takes practice. In the old days it was necessary to talk to lots of people in person so many older folks are good at it because of that. These days we are separated by fast pace things, electronic communications vs in person things, etc. People spend hours on facebook and such instead of just of being together in person. Even social events you see tons of people all just texting or playing on their phones instead of talking to the people they are out with. Don't worry. Just work on limiting contact with individuals and spread out your chatter and such across many friends that you can make. We all are different. It's ok.

 

[Chimera]

What mr_smith_v2 said...dead on.

@Katiee_co
You are in a transitional place right now. Stability is vital...but you cannot place your stability into the hands of another. They cannot understand your needs and I hate the idea that you are giving away your sense of security and self to others. Reaching out is difficult for us. But I suggest you follow Mr smith's advice and attempt to meet more people and avoid placing your hopes onto one person. Focus on what truly is relative to you...ie shyness, relationships, growth..wherever you truly strive to grow. Like minded people are generally more compassionate.
Please be kind to yourself and know you are admired for your introspection, it's a powerful tool in your healing.
I wish you all the luck in the world..you're very brave.

 

[anthony]

I've totally started smothering him and I know I'm doing this but I can't stop myself. I need him and I'm so scared he's going to go away and take my stability with him

Ok, first things first, you have identified the problem, yet you're still partially assigning blame to him for your actions.

Your stability does not lay with him, nor anyone else, it actually resides with you and you alone. The sooner you grasp the truth in that, the better you can approach the problems you recognise and understand.

You think you need him, but do you really? Do you need him to get out of bed in the morning? Do you need him in order to eat? Do you need him in order to educate yourself? Do you need him when you go to the bathroom?

There is a huge difference between need and want, or need and choice. You're choosing for him to be in your life, you're choosing to smother him, and you're already choosing your actions may be his reason for leaving the friendship.

Accepting the truth is half the problem, doing something with the facts is the other.

What can you do to change smothering him?

 

[Friday]

Need. Want. & Choice. ^^^

You master those 3 things? Hell. Even apprentice to them? Watch your life explode in possibility, & action, & all things really f*cking amazing. Doesn't mean shit isn't still hard. Life is hard by definition. But life gets really damn amazing when you get those 3 things working for you.

 

[Casey_03]

It's good that you've identified the problem but I think you also need to dig a bit deeper and examine why you feel like you need this guy, or any other guy for that matter. You've said your brain latches on to him for stability, but why is that? Are you avoiding facing something traumatic by clinging to other people as a distraction? Did something happen to you to convince you that you are incapable of functioning independently? I'm sure there is a reason that you have developed this bad habit, and you need to figure out what it is. Once you do, I think it will be easier to start replacing this bad habit with a healthy one.

 

[Cavegirl]

I struggle with this. I'm cold and distant to most people, but when I find someone I think is safe I am a stage 4 cling-on. It's terrible. I literally have to set myself up time limits to wait before contacting him. interacting on a normal level is exhausting.

Good luck, you're going to be ok regardless.