Odd Adult Son Tormenting Daughter

[Anarchy]

"Disowning" is both overly drasticizing and presenting in a far too black and white way what you are trying to achieve, and how you are trying to achieve it.

In very simple terms, you are trying to ensure a safe environment for your younger children (and yourselves). In his present state of development, your older son has demonstrated that his visiting your home is not consistent with that safety.

You are in no way disowning him or cutting him off,

instead you are making it clear that until he can take responsibility for his actions, your contact with him will be away from home and in places where there will be witnesses and repercussions if he abuses anyone.

I don't want to fuel a domestic, but what exactly does your wife propose doing if your son is in the house and begins to act like an arsehole?

A: say "that is nice" and pat him on the head?
B: completely deny that it is even happening?
C: call the cops and if they actually do show up that day, risk getting an armed [ster]roid raging thug, acting out in your house...

I'd say meet him at the mall, and if he can show he has grown out of it, you can start to carefully lessen the distance, on the other hand if he hasn't calmed down and taken on some adult responsibilities by the time he's about 25 years old, You'll likely have to face up to having a sociopathic (in the broader sense) son, and treat him accordingly.

 

[Raj]

He currently is very irresponsible has stolen from his landlord, possibly employer I found out turned him in. No action so far! Maybe landlord didn't care. He does not pay rent either, along either most other bills. Talks about drinking and porn a lot. On the flip side he is a very good volunteer firefighter, probably the adrenaline rush and his fasination with fire. We have no mall and an overwhelming anti-mental health enforcement sherrifs department. Welcome to ruralville. We have been having a high number of suicides here.

There is no mall there are a few restaurants snd a bowling alley. This is good ol boy ranch, mine country. Problems mean you are weak! I think problems make you human.

Raj

 

[Queen Boudica]

You are not disowning him you are being a responsible parent. You are putting in boundaries and consequences. If he follows the rules, gets himself help and changes he gets to visit if not he doesn't. What does she want to do end up with another 2 damaged kids?

The other 2 kids sound like they definitely need to talk this over with a psychologist.

 

[ms spock]

There is no mall there are a few restaurants and a bowling alley.

The restaurants and the bowling alley could be the go, then as a neutral place.

 

[Dee Morris]

@TreeHugger I don't feel the need to review anyone's posting history before I respond to anything. My thoughts are what they are, and not determined by something someone might have posted about in previous threads. How about you focus on your own responses and don't worry mine.

 

[Justmehere]

Denial is a coping mechanism for people in pain.

Give people other ways to cope, and they won't need to use denial so much.

The more supported your family is, the more they will be able to let go of denial and see things for what they are.

I know you are in a rural area. Any luck finding support outside of law enforcement for your family menevwr other than your ODD son?

 

[Raj]

We have one counselors or that an employee abusing developmently dd layed childeren last year, so constant staff turnover. one that told ODD son he doesn't need rules, so yeah. One left works mainly as ith snger issues helped me. Does not do child counseling. Next one is sixty miles and may not take our medicaid.

Raj

 

[Justmehere]

Geez, those are crappy options for counseling. :( Going 60 miles is a big cost and tough to do - but it may very well be worth it. In some states, Medicaid will even provide transportation to/from a Medicaid provider if a doc can sign a simple form stating there is no speciality counseling within 25 miles.

 

[ms spock]

Next one is sixty miles and may not take our medicaid.

Best to check if that one does or does not accept you, no point considering if it is not an actual option.

 

[shimmerz]

unless she wants contact

This should not be left to a minor to decide. You both need to be responsible for protecting her.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

This should not be left to a minor to decide.

I second this - fear of what might happen if she doesn't do what he want's or feeling that she should do something to make him happy, especially as he's going through a rough time, coupled with bribery and/or mild manipulation are forms of psychological grooming and children can be easily exploited like this. Genuine care for others in an innocent being are an abusers best friend - to be honest, I've seen plenty of people who aren't abusive even take advantage of others like this - though most wouldn't do that to a child. You're playing with her life if you trust him with her - not because he'll immediately fatally harm her, but because the psychological damage he can do to her is immense and often incredibly difficult to come to terms with/get past/move on.

 

[Justmehere]

I concur. Especially in the case of a minor with disabilities who has been previously abused by him. People and children who have been abused sometimes are vey drawn towards their abusers - and it's not a healthy thing.

She may have a lot of conflicted feelings in all of this, some of which she may not share with you. She needs you to make the decisions for her as to if her brother, her abuser, is safe for her to be around.