I accidentally posted this in the wrong section, so I re-posted it here.
Usually I can handle the memories of my past abusive relationship fairly well, I could distract myself easily, or not feel the physical symptoms that come with it. But its weird, I hurt my jaw while surfing and its bothering me for a while. At first I did not connect the too. I just noticed more nightmares of being choked, they were more vivid. I can literally feel the physical aspects of the flashback, where as before it would be more emotional.
I did not notice that my jaw was the trigger until I remember how he use smash my face into the bed or wall when "I would talk to much" we did not fight about many things, and not often but every once in while things would escalate. It was mostly because I would nag about going out on a date or something like that, he hated going out in public with me. I think it was all the racism we would encounter as an interracial couple. But now that I think about it, it was most likely his fear of one of his side girls seeing us, or others seeing his dominating nature towards me.
I woke up last night, when I was home alone cause my love had to stay at work late, with my hands desperately reaching my throat as if I was trying to pull hands off of them. I realized where I was. and just lay there absorbing what just happened. I was safe in my home, I don't have to worry anymore.
Anyway this simple pain I feel in my jaw is causing more vivid memories. I never realize that pain can trigger flashbacks. I train in Martial Arts as part of my recovery, I remember panicking when we were learning a choking move and my partner did not listen to my tap, thinking that I could handle it. He whispered "Shh, don't worry I wont hurt you." And I went limp hoping it would end soon. I know he was trying to help but it did not.
I use to hide in the bathroom, because the area we lived in was not safe, (I was attacked once when I lived out there) The bathroom was always to room with the lock. And even though me and my boyfriend hardly fight, when we do, and he gets really mad I still hide in the bathroom. I guess its just old habbit. I feel bad though. My new boyfriend should not have to suffer with the guilt of my past.
I don't think many understand the damage it does to someone when the person they love tries to kill them. Anyway, I just am so frustrated with the idea that if I get hurt it can make me remember. Does anyone else have the same problem? How do you deal with it?
Usually I can handle the memories of my past abusive relationship fairly well, I could distract myself easily, or not feel the physical symptoms that come with it. But its weird, I hurt my jaw while surfing and its bothering me for a while. At first I did not connect the too. I just noticed more nightmares of being choked, they were more vivid. I can literally feel the physical aspects of the flashback, where as before it would be more emotional.
I did not notice that my jaw was the trigger until I remember how he use smash my face into the bed or wall when "I would talk to much" we did not fight about many things, and not often but every once in while things would escalate. It was mostly because I would nag about going out on a date or something like that, he hated going out in public with me. I think it was all the racism we would encounter as an interracial couple. But now that I think about it, it was most likely his fear of one of his side girls seeing us, or others seeing his dominating nature towards me.
I woke up last night, when I was home alone cause my love had to stay at work late, with my hands desperately reaching my throat as if I was trying to pull hands off of them. I realized where I was. and just lay there absorbing what just happened. I was safe in my home, I don't have to worry anymore.
Anyway this simple pain I feel in my jaw is causing more vivid memories. I never realize that pain can trigger flashbacks. I train in Martial Arts as part of my recovery, I remember panicking when we were learning a choking move and my partner did not listen to my tap, thinking that I could handle it. He whispered "Shh, don't worry I wont hurt you." And I went limp hoping it would end soon. I know he was trying to help but it did not.
I use to hide in the bathroom, because the area we lived in was not safe, (I was attacked once when I lived out there) The bathroom was always to room with the lock. And even though me and my boyfriend hardly fight, when we do, and he gets really mad I still hide in the bathroom. I guess its just old habbit. I feel bad though. My new boyfriend should not have to suffer with the guilt of my past.
I don't think many understand the damage it does to someone when the person they love tries to kill them. Anyway, I just am so frustrated with the idea that if I get hurt it can make me remember. Does anyone else have the same problem? How do you deal with it?
