Oh God That's Me! - Reading About 'disordered' Personalities

[NatBird]

@coco9 @Pencil thank you both for sharing your relationship experience.

The last breakup I had was with the first person I was totally vulnerable with, I dare say I loved, however unskillfully. It was seven years ago.

I'm being a bit simplistic here but I basically shutdown and went into avoidance. I tend to act in, punish myself. I've not had a relationship since.

The experienced was really damaging. I'm only seeing that now and still working it out. I have felt a lot of shame about not 'getting over it'. That was difficult to write for some reason.

Abandonment, or percieved abandonment is a key part of the PTSD experience for me as it seems to be for others.
This is what brings out/up features more often associated with borderline. My way of coping is avoidance which leads me to recognising aspects of avoidant personality and the vulnerable narcissism, with being totally preoccupied with ME - will I be attacked, humiliated, rejected, abandoned.
Maybe I'm conflating aspects of vulnerable narcissist behaviour with hypervigilence....?

Thankfully this is shifting but the labels and shame I experience at what is basically a reaction to trauma is quite excrutiating at times.

As said really appreciating comments and chance to clarify my feelings and thoughts on this.

 

[sedna]

@ Pencil- I understand what you mean about feeling so desperate even though you knew the relationship was...

@coco9 @Pencil thank you both for sharing your relationship exper...

I can relate better to what you're saying after your last comment @NatBird.

I've also very adept at avoidance and have avoided romantic relationships for years, I also deflect friendships and keep them at friendly acqauintences. If someone gets pushy they get cut off.

Your description of vulnerable narcissism and hypervigilence is about where I function at, its very painful because much of the damage in my life is due to dealing with someone else's pathological narcissism. It gives you a feeling you've somehow become the enemy.

My therapist is pretty helpful about keeping me from beating myself over the head with it though.

What I said in my original comment supporting what pencil said really is true. I know you dont feel you need reassurance that you dont have these disorders, but please remember that the ability to self reflect honestly, feel the concern, shame etc. is what distinguishes those traits from disorders and what are very understandable human reactions to extremely painful experiences.

The fact that you are aware of how you react and why, and question it, is a sign that its not fixed in place. Thats where the hope is that you can gradually work on your feelings and begin to find happier and more healthy situations and relationships.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you think treatments overlap?

Yes they do, a lot! There are times my therapy starts to flow over to my BPD and there are times I thought we were working on BPD and we were actually working in PTSD.

Both can be treated simular. My BPD has been treated more now with a medication. Specifically low dose Seriquol XR (extended release). This dumbs down the extreme emotions a bit to give me more moddle ground, gets me closer to where "normal people's" emotions are. Not equal but closer.

Also for BPD the best thing Ive used for it is DBT:

Dead Link Removed

It has helped a ton!

Only medication Im on for PTSD is Xanax and that's self lowering because of the seriqueol.

EMDR works well for PTSD as well as a few therapies. So they can differ but they mesh together a lot so at times i have no idea what im working on other than "issues".

Hope that answered it.

 

[NatBird]

Yes they do, a lot! There are times my therapy starts to flow over to my BPD and there are t...

@lostforgottensoul thanks.

Yes was just interested in your view/experience with that.

 

[Pencil]

I basically shutdown and went into avoidance. I tend to act in, punish myself. I've not had a relationship since.

Same here.

Thankfully this is shifting but the labels and shame I experience at what is basically a reaction to trauma is quite excrutiating at times.

Ditto.

Thanks for this thread. Especially what you say about shame cuts close to the bone for me.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Yes, the labels do indeed seem to add shame at times.

And then I realize that I'm not what I fe...

Yes, I always fear I have BPD and stuff, when actually I had some very horrible things done to me from an early age and I am struggling with the normal reactions and problems that this would cause any normal human being. Anyway, that is what my psychologist says to me. He hates any labels and only uses the PTSD label because I find it helpful when explaining some of my symptoms to others.

 

[EveHarrington]

One thing I've pondered is how my personality disorder type symptoms seem to come and go along with my stress level.

For example, I suspected PPD (paranoid personality disorder) but my paranoia symptoms vary greatly from none at all to I'm never leaving my bedroom again, depending on how stressed I am.

I've been curious-----for those who have personality disorders, are the symptoms more consistent? I knew a narcissist once and he was consistently a narcissist. Nothing ever changed. I'm curious if that's part of the diagnosis----I mean having consistent personality type symptoms that don't vary so much based on an external factor like stress.

(Sorry if this is too off topic OP! I can move it elsewhere if you prefer. :))

 

[brae]

personality disorders, like most things in life, exist on a spectrum. for example bpd has 9 criteria in the dsm and you have to fit 5 of them to qualify for diagnosis. this means there are over 250 combinations of the symptoms that can manifest in an individual with bpd, let alone each symptom exists on a spectrum of its own, so we all look so different to one another. to say that all people with a personality disorder behave in a certain way, or that nobody w a personality disorder could have the self awareness to identify their symptoms and behaviours is quite violent and dehumanising to me. personality disorders are a complicated thing and i feel that they are all a ~type~ of post traumatic stress, no question. its ridiculous to me that a pd could manifest with no prior/developmental trauma at all.

sometimes i feel like i really dont get the support that i need because i seem too self aware to the professionals. that doesnt mean im not still in excruciating pain. its just that there is that idea that to be really unwell u need to have no concept of reality or something? its like they dont think things are as serious if you have read about ur illness and understand how it is constructed. initially i read about bpd online and identified with it intensely to the point most people would prob say i was self diagnosing. i didnt end up mentioning it to any professionals but shortly after that my gp, my therapist and my psych all suggested independently that i might have bpd and i was diagnosed. it was relieving to me in a bunch of ways, it validated that i have a reason to be in so much pain and darkness, it gave me a frame of reference as to how to go about seeking resources for learning to start more skilfully managing my symptoms, as well as where to look to find people to connect with who might also experience similar things to me.

i really think it can be valuable, especially for people who dont have access to mental health professionals, to research our symptoms online and read other peoples experiences, learn about what they did to seek help or manage symptoms, what they might have been through to get to where they are, how people navigate relationships with mental illness, to feel a bit less alone etc even if it isnt exactly what that person has or whatever. im not saying i think self diagnosis is this wonderful be all end all thing, i can see the grey between the extremes, self dx is on a spectrum itself id say.
to be 100% anti self diagnosis to me is saying that a psych who has met you twice has more authority to say what ur experience is than the individual who is actually experiencing the disorder. it takes our power away, it says that we cant trust ourselves to be self aware, and it says only people who can afford hundreds of dollars worth of psych appointments and therapy are worthy of being able to put a name to what they experience. especially when it comes to personality disorders. even on this forum i have come across quite a few threads where people w pd's are being very 'othered', spoken about like we are monsters with no hope of recovery or improvement, or like someone w a pd wouldnt actually read what is being said? i know people with npd who have become aware of their disorder, and its not easy but they can begin to accept and explore treatments too. i do feel that this stigma is slowly shifting in current times and thats really important. all mental health needs to be spoken about in ways that include and dont shame the sufferer and dont demonise symptoms, which are always manifestations of trauma.

 

[Ronin]

im not saying i think self diagnosis is this wonderful be all end all thing, i can see the grey between the extremes, self dx is on a spectrum itself id say.
to be 100% anti self diagnosis to me is saying that a psych who has met you twice has more authority to say what ur experience is than the individual who is actually experiencing the disorder. it takes our power away, it says that we cant trust ourselves to be self aware, and it says only people who can afford hundreds of dollars worth of psych appointments and therapy are worthy of being able to put a name to what they experience.

This. Thank you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

for those who have personality disorders, are the symptoms more consistent?

No. Just like PTSD, my BPD are better some days and over the top the next. It doesn't necessarly mean Im not managing well or even having a horrible day.

It is better, overall, if Im consistantly working DBT but thats the same with any mental disorder. If we are consistant with the coping tools, we cope better.

But my sysmptoms vary on a large scale. Spectrum aside, where I am on the spectrum (8 of the 9 symptoms), the symptoms themselve vary greatly from day to day and often cross with PTSD so a lot of the time I dont know which Im managing...which doesnt really matter as im just managing symptoms. But my point is, its just as inconsistent as PTSD or really any mental disorder.

 

[stop lol]

My counsellor ALWAYS tells me to STOP reading and STOP self-diagnosing. We aren't professionals, it just makes us way more depressed and anxious!! Still so.hard.to.stop.damn.you.Google :) lol.